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Emotionally unavailable

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

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By *ear in the chairMan
over a year ago

yeah there

Does it really matter? You just have to do you and what keeps you happy and hopefully doesn't hurt others.

If that person comes along and makes you want to open up more and feel then it'll happen.

All things in their right time and place and in the meantime, just keep happy xx

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Have you lost out on potential relationships because of it?

I think over time people do get more guarded and wary of opening themselves up to hurt, heartache or time wasters. But I also think that if you meet someone you think has potential (as a friend or whatever) you slowly let them drop a bit involuntarily. It just happens.

One minute you feel nothing and the next moment you’re feeling all the feels.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

"

Oh God yes!!!

Im at the point where I wouldnt care if I never saw another human ever again

I'm utterly sick of selfish, self serving, disrespectful, users.

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.


"Have you lost out on potential relationships because of it?

I think over time people do get more guarded and wary of opening themselves up to hurt, heartache or time wasters. But I also think that if you meet someone you think has potential (as a friend or whatever) you slowly let them drop a bit involuntarily. It just happens.

One minute you feel nothing and the next moment you’re feeling all the feels.

"

I don't think that I've lost out from potential relationships from it. But I don't really have a way of knowing.

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

Oh God yes!!!

Im at the point where I wouldnt care if I never saw another human ever again

I'm utterly sick of selfish, self serving, disrespectful, users."

I can totally relate

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

"

I absolutely understand this. I don’t tolerate needy people or drama llamas and this year has taught me what real friendship means

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely get this. As I approach 40 I find I have less time or tolerance for people who don’t matter, but much more for those who do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey OP. If you’re feeling good about yourself then I wouldn’t worry and would say, good for you! However, I do hope that someone will come along at some point and you change your mind.... all the best for 2021

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate OP.

I think it depends whether you are happy this way or not.

It really is that simple for me.

Feeling like I 'should' have more meaningful relationships in my life doesn't mean I want them.

I occasionally have a pang of wanting a Clinton Cards version of kids, husband family dog etc .. but know it's not realistic.

Not for me anyway.

Relationships make me feel genuinely insane - I can't do it to myself anymore just because I feel like I should.

If that means I'm emotionally unavailable then so be it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the risk of being too philosophical, I think we come to a point in our lives when we meet a crossroads. We can choose to become very independent, develop a thick skin, and based on our past experiences stop trusting others. It is a natural conclusion to arrive at as we brush ourselves down after all the knocks we have taken. We look for more verification of someone’s trustworthiness before we trust them and inevitably become more cynical about other humans.

However it is a crossroads where we learn to manage our boundaries well, deal with the past hurts and let go of the emotion that has built up over the years. It is a time for reflection and reinvention, for self questioning and seeking a new path, a path where we can learn to love again, live with compassion and heal ourselves. We always have a choice.

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

Abso-fucking-lutely GB.

Me to a tee.

Happy New Year to you and maybe see you at a club this year.

V xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get fed up of people.

Live isolation and living rural but bounce back at chameleons for some reason. Guess we all feel pants some days.

Surround yourself with positive ways then you will have positive days

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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago

Sandwich


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

"

Yes I feel pretty much the same. I have love for many people in my life and I care for those that deserve it.

However, romantic type love has only ever given me more grief than it was ever worth. Plus it’s mostly hormones giving that feeling and they wear off after a few months.

I am more content than I ever have been, so it doesn’t feel as though it’s a bad thing at all

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

It's really reassuring to know that it's not totally uncommon then.

I thought I was becoming tough and enjoy my own company too much, but to know that others out there can understand and feel similar is good for me too know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been happily single for 28 years, brought my kids up, been incredibly independent, had a fantastically full life with awesome adventures and loved it but now, as doc says I'm willingly at a crossroads and doing some soul searching ... how to and if to change it? Here's to the new adventures for me ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isn't it what you call, professionalism.

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

It's ok to.feel.like this especially if have invested emotionally into others in the past and recieved little back. It's probably your minds way of protecting you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is deep, learning a lot from just reading the replies , but I want to touch on “am I missing out on something” part imho no you don’t miss what you never had, what I would say is it seems you are in a mind set now that might become character,( I think there for I am) if the opportunity to love comes along is it right to deny that expression???

I often speak with the very elderly and many of them express to me that they wish they had loved more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've been happily single for 28 years, brought my kids up, been incredibly independent, had a fantastically full life with awesome adventures and loved it but now, as doc says I'm willingly at a crossroads and doing some soul searching ... how to and if to change it? Here's to the new adventures for me ... "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I felt like you for many yrs while in my early 40s. I didn't enter into any sort of a relationship with men. Ive had dates over the past few yrs, but no one lit me up fully

I don't need a man but would like one to do things with, companion, fwb etc.

Not sure if i could have another relationship but I won't say never again.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

I am emotionally unavailable when it suits me to be tbh

I'm not interested in a real life relationship, it doesn't suit me or my lifestyle. Tried it once and I felt caged and I've not met anyone who I've wanted to try it again with. In my eyes it's not a negative part of my journey its actually a positive one for me so I'll keep on embracing it x

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By *etite_delightWoman
over a year ago

BunnyLand

I feel you OP and it happens to me time to time as well. Especially when you are willing to care someone and want to have them as friends in your life but receive little or nothing back. Makes you think why bother, then someone comes in and changes those feelings for the better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"At the risk of being too philosophical, I think we come to a point in our lives when we meet a crossroads. We can choose to become very independent, develop a thick skin, and based on our past experiences stop trusting others. It is a natural conclusion to arrive at as we brush ourselves down after all the knocks we have taken. We look for more verification of someone’s trustworthiness before we trust them and inevitably become more cynical about other humans.

However it is a crossroads where we learn to manage our boundaries well, deal with the past hurts and let go of the emotion that has built up over the years. It is a time for reflection and reinvention, for self questioning and seeking a new path, a path where we can learn to love again, live with compassion and heal ourselves. We always have a choice."

I’ll add a little more. The source of the love we need most is infinite and it comes from deep within us. Seeking the source is never a fruitless journey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I feel you OP and it happens to me time to time as well. Especially when you are willing to care someone and want to have them as friends in your life but receive little or nothing back. Makes you think why bother, then someone comes in and changes those feelings for the better. "

This is always hard to love hard but the love isn’t returned , or it is but we don’t feel it?? , as individuals we can’t all love the same but yet we expect to receive it the way we give it, but then is it truly love if we only love to get love back ???

Someone might not be hands on affectionate yet they would die for you , or should we only love people on the same frequency as ourselves to avoid feeling of neglect ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I feel you OP and it happens to me time to time as well. Especially when you are willing to care someone and want to have them as friends in your life but receive little or nothing back. Makes you think why bother, then someone comes in and changes those feelings for the better.

This is always hard to love hard but the love isn’t returned , or it is but we don’t feel it?? , as individuals we can’t all love the same but yet we expect to receive it the way we give it, but then is it truly love if we only love to get love back ???

Someone might not be hands on affectionate yet they would die for you , or should we only love people on the same frequency as ourselves to avoid feeling of neglect ?? "

Love this! Very deep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I feel you OP and it happens to me time to time as well. Especially when you are willing to care someone and want to have them as friends in your life but receive little or nothing back. Makes you think why bother, then someone comes in and changes those feelings for the better.

This is always hard to love hard but the love isn’t returned , or it is but we don’t feel it?? , as individuals we can’t all love the same but yet we expect to receive it the way we give it, but then is it truly love if we only love to get love back ???

Someone might not be hands on affectionate yet they would die for you , or should we only love people on the same frequency as ourselves to avoid feeling of neglect ?? "

This is why 'love' makes most people feel mental.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Someone might not be hands on affectionate yet they would die for you "

I feel read

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Helloooooooooo, I enjoyed the Opening Post. Meaningful.

As an older woman ( elderly in officialdoms ) can I just put it out there that life is not lineal.

Just ponder that a while

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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago

Solihull and Brentwood

Having just been 'stabbed in the back' by my grandaughter In conjunction with two other people. With respect to being independent.

I can quite happily say 'sod them all.' And that includes all the blokes pretending to be couples etc. I've had the misfortune to run into, over the past 20 years.

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By *inchyorksMan
over a year ago

huddersfield

I have been told i am broken and dead inside a few times in the last few years, i was in a relationship and had been gas lighted for years, but didnt see it until things ended.

I have built internal walls that high no one is getting over them, i am able to make friends and dated a few times but once things move forward shutters are up.

It does make me wonder if i have pushed away something that would have ended up great, but then again i am ok being single.

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By *bwlookingforfunWoman
over a year ago

crawley

I know the feeling.

Here I am, 30 years old, with no real relationship or family.

I became too cold to let anyone care. Sometimes I want to fix it, but at the other hand I don't want to be used again, so I simply fuck for entertainment and don't let anyone to get too close.

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By *ax_uk_2009Man
over a year ago

Wilmslow

My wife passed at the start of 2019 and I have focused all my emotional collateral on my kids this has meant that I have had very little to spare for anyone else. It is my resolution for 2021 to be open and available, whether I’ll manage it time will tell. Any tips appreciated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

"

I feel very close to that. I do care about people and I wouldn't say I'm emotionally shut off completely but it doesn't take much at all for me to shut that part down at the first signs of behaviours that I don't like or gel with. Or it's just not there to be shut down in most cases.

I'm all for fun and friendships but beyond that is going to take a decent person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife passed at the start of 2019 and I have focused all my emotional collateral on my kids this has meant that I have had very little to spare for anyone else. It is my resolution for 2021 to be open and available, whether I’ll manage it time will tell. Any tips appreciated."

So sorry for you loss. Be gentle on yourself, it will take time.

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By *ax_uk_2009Man
over a year ago

Wilmslow


"My wife passed at the start of 2019 and I have focused all my emotional collateral on my kids this has meant that I have had very little to spare for anyone else. It is my resolution for 2021 to be open and available, whether I’ll manage it time will tell. Any tips appreciated.

So sorry for you loss. Be gentle on yourself, it will take time. "

Thank you, problem is I am not sure where to start

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm definitely emotionally unavailable when it comes to men, but nothing bad has happened to me to make me like that to be honest, I just prefer it that way. I love my friends and family, and life the way it is and have no interest in bringing anyone more than friends into it. It's quite liberating though, I actually feel freer and more myself with people as opposed to closed off. I can enjoy sex and affection on my terms alongside the love I get from other people, I'd just rather not have them tied together in the same person. I don't think that side of me is dead, just switched off. I'm sure I'll change my mind at some point but there's no sign of that on the horizon!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was “emotionally unavailable” for a long time. For all time, or so I thought.

Then here, on a previous profile I met someone. Had met people before on here. We met, we played, we kept in touch, nothing more. But this one, well, she was different. She was the perfect storm.

We met, we took our time, and before play we had well and truly connected. Before I knew it, I was in love. Faster, stronger and deeper than ever before. Sounds great, and it was, except she wasn’t. Her barriers were well and truly up, and as much as she liked me, it would never be any more than that. At once I really knew what “emotionally unavailable” meant, and it hurt me more than anything.

I deleted my profile and retreated to my man cave to lick my wounds. And now I’m back. Changed, but back.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

"

Wow - I did not realise I could relate to this as much as I do until I read your post, OP.

Far from sounding negative, your post succinctly suggests to me- as some others have also expressed - that we have reached a point of realism. It is partly about realising that we no longer want to waste time on undeserving people or situations as life is short and also about the fact we could do/ have so much more by allocating the time and energy to worthwhile people and causes.

It is not about being cold, unempathetic or even uncaring. People come into your for a reason or a season. Great thread!

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

PS People come into your life for a reason or a season - sorry I omitted the "life" bit.

Also, wanted to add I am now at a point where I do not expect anything to happen in a particular way. I wake each morning and feel quite grateful for being well, having enough of life's comforts and awaiting what the day brings, workwise or in my personal life.

Not expecting anything specific, not setting myself up for a specific event offers me a great way of appreciating unexpected good things that happen. I no longer waste time chasing things that are probably not right for me anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a really good post, thoughtful and probably what a lot of people are feeling right now.

I feel like I am on the pivot of this, yes I love meeting people for the 1st time, the spark, the energy, but would I want to invite someone in and potentially break the peace and calm: Hell no!

I am not ruling a future relationship out, however I am not going to jump in feet first like I have in the past.

It's all about time and that old expression "what's meant for me, will always be mine".

Take care OP

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

?

I've always been this way...my colleagues haven't given me the nickname Ice Queen for no reason. But it's not that I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm just very particular about who I share my emotions with - there has been no great heartbreak in my life that has caused this, it's just how I am, I'm naturally guarded. But when I love, especially romantically, I love hard and completely, it just takes someone special for me to allow them access to my heart.

But on the flip side, when I'm betrayed or hurt then I'm able to completely close people out...they're dead to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say I’m emotionally unavailable, I have 2 men in my life that have stuck around and broke through some of my barriers. I love them both and they care deeply for me. But my family life makes relationships very complicated and what I have now isn’t perfect for me but I’m not sure things can change yet. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Interesting thread!

Can we choose to be “emotionally unavailable” or are we just more difficult to get through to? More selective? I guess in the same breath you could ask “Can you choose to fall in love?” Is that something controllable?

For me it’s always when you least expect it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn’t say you were emotionally unavailable at all because your emotions are there and ready to give to someone that was worthy of them. You’re just guarded as a result of being shit on too many times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Interesting thread!

Can we choose to be “emotionally unavailable” or are we just more difficult to get through to? More selective? I guess in the same breath you could ask “Can you choose to fall in love?” Is that something controllable?

For me it’s always when you least expect it."

I don't think it's something that just happens all of a sudden

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am emotionally unavailable but I still love the men I choose to play regularly with, I even live with one but I will never be in love with anyone again... Losing someone I was utterly in love with, after 11 years together, almost killed me too. I am not up for that, in any form, again... Everything is temporary so that is how I treat things now. It works better for me tbh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am emotionally unavailable/highly guarded.

I left an abusive relationship about a year and a half ago. I gave it my everything not realising it was abusive until after I left.

Months after leaving I found out he had a 19 year history of abuse charges and he apparently cheated on me the night he went out to wet the baby's head. He's since said that he never loved me too.

Right now, I don't want to fall in love. If it wasn't the perfect relationship, I would just break me.

It's absolutely best for me to be single right now and just love me. Maybe one day I'll learn to love and trust again.

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

Thank you so much to everybody who has commented, it has been really thought provoking to read your replies and feelings.

Some comments have made me realise even more about myself as I understand more about how I'm feeling hearing other people's views and their feelings too.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

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By *ensualtouch15Man
over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

I'm a better person with a companion

I am selective

But love to share my emotions

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By *IG08Man
over a year ago

Tadworth

100% not on your own. I've been single for nearly 8 years. I'm used to my own company, like it a lot and have a lot of friends I spend time with

I'd like to be with someone but that person needs to be my best friend (like my ex was before our split). Trouble is, I have little tolerance for drama/issues/problems, but mainly I've got to the point where I've stopped bothering to meet people. It's because if I don't connect initially I lose all interest, but I don't like being mean and saying to someone you're not for me. So I've found it easier to stop the trying part as it keeps things more simple

Some friends/people question why am I on my own. I'd love to say "what's the point in being like you where you fight, argue, etc all the time", but sometimes it's best to keep your council ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

Wow - I did not realise I could relate to this as much as I do until I read your post, OP.

Far from sounding negative, your post succinctly suggests to me- as some others have also expressed - that we have reached a point of realism. It is partly about realising that we no longer want to waste time on undeserving people or situations as life is short and also about the fact we could do/ have so much more by allocating the time and energy to worthwhile people and causes.

It is not about being cold, unempathetic or even uncaring. People come into your for a reason or a season. Great thread! "

Love your positive perspective.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Just another thought for what it is worth: If we are becoming less emotionally available, does this mean we are becoming more insular and even more selfish?

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Being aware of ourselves helps us to decide how we'd like to be different, or not and then to determine our plans. There's no rule that we have to be emotionally available, for example. For many of us, being single is a very fulfilling way to live. It may suit you for now and you may want something different in the future but choose to invest in what you may need to support this, beforehand. Go easy on yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just another thought for what it is worth: If we are becoming less emotionally available, does this mean we are becoming more insular and even more selfish?"

Not necessarily. I feel it's a 2 way thing. I don't want anything from anyone but I still give and care for others. Giver not a receiver.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"At the risk of being too philosophical, I think we come to a point in our lives when we meet a crossroads. We can choose to become very independent, develop a thick skin, and based on our past experiences stop trusting others. It is a natural conclusion to arrive at as we brush ourselves down after all the knocks we have taken. We look for more verification of someone’s trustworthiness before we trust them and inevitably become more cynical about other humans.

However it is a crossroads where we learn to manage our boundaries well, deal with the past hurts and let go of the emotion that has built up over the years. It is a time for reflection and reinvention, for self questioning and seeking a new path, a path where we can learn to love again, live with compassion and heal ourselves. We always have a choice."

I read this earlier Doc, but just came back to read again and show my appreciation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good. "

Off topic but fab pic! Made me very jealous

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

Off topic but fab pic! Made me very jealous "

Thank you! Wishing you more fun in 2021!

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"Just another thought for what it is worth: If we are becoming less emotionally available, does this mean we are becoming more insular and even more selfish?"

I don't think so.

I think the selfishness of others is often what leads us here and what we're doing when we find ourselves here isn't selfish, it's self care.

It doesn't mean we can't be respectful to others, it doesn't mean we won't help others. It means we ain't prepared to hand other people the power to hurt us emotionally. Giving yourself the love you have freely given to others can be rather empowering and that's generally when you find yourself taking the advice you'd give a friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself"

And so it should.

Let's replace emotion with money.

If someone said I'm giving all my money away and it's leaving me skint with fuck all for myself and I'm struggling to make ends meet, going without food and electric.

I wouldn't mind but the people I'm giving it to are wasting it.....

First thing people would say is "WHOAAAAAAA, STOP RIGHT NOW!"

No different in my eyes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself

And so it should.

Let's replace emotion with money.

If someone said I'm giving all my money away and it's leaving me skint with fuck all for myself and I'm struggling to make ends meet, going without food and electric.

I wouldn't mind but the people I'm giving it to are wasting it.....

First thing people would say is "WHOAAAAAAA, STOP RIGHT NOW!"

No different in my eyes."

Good analogy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"At the risk of being too philosophical, I think we come to a point in our lives when we meet a crossroads. We can choose to become very independent, develop a thick skin, and based on our past experiences stop trusting others. It is a natural conclusion to arrive at as we brush ourselves down after all the knocks we have taken. We look for more verification of someone’s trustworthiness before we trust them and inevitably become more cynical about other humans.

However it is a crossroads where we learn to manage our boundaries well, deal with the past hurts and let go of the emotion that has built up over the years. It is a time for reflection and reinvention, for self questioning and seeking a new path, a path where we can learn to love again, live with compassion and heal ourselves. We always have a choice.

I read this earlier Doc, but just came back to read again and show my appreciation. "

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself

And so it should.

Let's replace emotion with money.

If someone said I'm giving all my money away and it's leaving me skint with fuck all for myself and I'm struggling to make ends meet, going without food and electric.

I wouldn't mind but the people I'm giving it to are wasting it.....

First thing people would say is "WHOAAAAAAA, STOP RIGHT NOW!"

No different in my eyes.

Good analogy "

Thanking you kindly.

I do see them as very similar in a way. It pisses me off that people can steal your money and get reprimanded, yet abusing and stealing your time, emotion, your essence essentially, which in my eyes is worth more than money, well, you yourself get told "should have been more careful" and it gets brushed aside.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself

And so it should.

Let's replace emotion with money.

If someone said I'm giving all my money away and it's leaving me skint with fuck all for myself and I'm struggling to make ends meet, going without food and electric.

I wouldn't mind but the people I'm giving it to are wasting it.....

First thing people would say is "WHOAAAAAAA, STOP RIGHT NOW!"

No different in my eyes."

I like that. Im going to keep that in mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good. "

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

"

When it comes to a healthy relationship, I think you absolutely have to be getting something back for it to be fulfilling

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Just another thought for what it is worth: If we are becoming less emotionally available, does this mean we are becoming more insular and even more selfish?"

No.

It's been an interesting read this thread and not least because people seem to speak of this stage of 'self' being a negative and against the expectations of others.

To me, this shows how waking up to you, your own norms and needs causes needless anxiety.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

When it comes to a healthy relationship, I think you absolutely have to be getting something back for it to be fulfilling "

Yes, because if you feel you give more than you get, the only thing that happens is that resentment builds

Which eventually turns into " youre taking the fucking piss out of me"

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

But continually giving of yourself, and loving, and that love not being reciprocated gets hard

Its hard not to turn it upon oneself and think " why do people treat me like this. Is it my fault?"

Ive just got to the point where the other human's behaviour makes me sad

So its time to give that love to myself

And so it should.

Let's replace emotion with money.

If someone said I'm giving all my money away and it's leaving me skint with fuck all for myself and I'm struggling to make ends meet, going without food and electric.

I wouldn't mind but the people I'm giving it to are wasting it.....

First thing people would say is "WHOAAAAAAA, STOP RIGHT NOW!"

No different in my eyes.

Good analogy "

but not in mine...... tho I get the gist

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

"

Honestly I admire single by choice people as its good to have that level of self awareness rather than forcing yourself into a string of relationships that don't make you happy just because it's "what you're supposed to do". As someone who doesn't want children I relate to the lack of understanding and weird, unwanted sympathy. I'm waiting for the assumptions that I can't have them to start rolling in. That will be fun .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

Honestly I admire single by choice people as its good to have that level of self awareness rather than forcing yourself into a string of relationships that don't make you happy just because it's "what you're supposed to do". As someone who doesn't want children I relate to the lack of understanding and weird, unwanted sympathy. I'm waiting for the assumptions that I can't have them to start rolling in. That will be fun . "

Oh I did the whole string of relationships thing for 20 years.

It's taken me this long to give less fucks about what other people think

I knew from a very young age that I didn't want children- I'm sorry to say it but you have at least 10yrs of 'you might change your mind '

Maybe you should tell people you can't have them - just to shut them up!

It's actually a really rude personal question to ask.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

"

I was one of them... I have a boss whose never had a romantic relationship and she's in her early 60's now. I nievely thought 'how can you not want to be in a relationship?' but now I totally get it.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

Honestly I admire single by choice people as its good to have that level of self awareness rather than forcing yourself into a string of relationships that don't make you happy just because it's "what you're supposed to do". As someone who doesn't want children I relate to the lack of understanding and weird, unwanted sympathy. I'm waiting for the assumptions that I can't have them to start rolling in. That will be fun .

Oh I did the whole string of relationships thing for 20 years.

It's taken me this long to give less fucks about what other people think

I knew from a very young age that I didn't want children- I'm sorry to say it but you have at least 10yrs of 'you might change your mind '

Maybe you should tell people you can't have them - just to shut them up!

It's actually a really rude personal question to ask.

"

Hey its not easy! The weight of societal pressure sure is heavy. It's why we have so many people spending years not living as their true selves for a variety of reasons.

It's cool, I wasn't expecting it to go away any time soon . It really is a very rude, personal question. I absolutely agree.

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire


"Having romantic relationships isn't compulsory. If it's mot something you feel would add to your life and you're happy as you are then it's all good.

No it's not compulsory - well said.

Surprisingly few people understand this.

It's difficult to get through a month without someone doing a sympathetic head tilt and a ' don't worry you'll find someone '

I understand that this reaction to a 45yr old singleton is sometimes meant with good intentions.

People rarely understand others that choose a different path from them.

I'm so over other people

When I get home and close the door that is my happy place

Honestly I admire single by choice people as its good to have that level of self awareness rather than forcing yourself into a string of relationships that don't make you happy just because it's "what you're supposed to do". As someone who doesn't want children I relate to the lack of understanding and weird, unwanted sympathy. I'm waiting for the assumptions that I can't have them to start rolling in. That will be fun . "

Pleased I’m not the only one who made that decision and have no regrets whatsoever

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

I think I got to the same point about 5 years ago OP. I have tried relationships since but they falter, I am time-selfish and having lived alone for 10+ years I cannot offer the level of commitment that people seem to want, sometimes that thought makes me melancholy.

I would say, like you, I am a good friend and quite sociable when I want to be, but experience has taught me that there is sadness when I enter relationships and I think I am the cause of it, I either find the other person too demanding, too much baggage or too suffocating, when I am sure that they are perfect reasonable and lovely.

I live a good life. I can be kind or indifferent depending on how I am treated and just occasionally fab throws some raw passion my way with someone that “gets me” as I “get them”. That mutual nourishment is why I exist here. For life, I have the moors to walk, the sky to delight and books and music to pass my time. A small cadre of friends provide the warmth and laughter I occasionally seek.

It works for me, but I am not sure I would recommend this life if one is more goal oriented.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm very much emotionally available and, bar one horrendous break-up years ago which took me years to get over, I've never had any emotional baggage.

The problem is I don't do half measures. I've got a mate who lost his wife and then just jumped from nutjob to nutjob because he couldn't handle being single. For me it's all or nothing and I just haven't found that woman who completely rocks my world yet. Am I happy being single? Definitely not. But I'd rather be "meh" as a singleton than "meh" in a dead-end relationship!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think over time I have become emotionally unavailable.

I can usually chat to people, have interesting and fun conversations but as far as actually letting somebody in so that I could start to care about them, it's like that door is very firmly locked and shut.

As far as friendships go, I have good friends who I care very much about, though as far as letting emotions develop further than friendship it's like that option is greyed out permanently.

I've stopped feeling patient and caring for people (past my friendships), possibly as a result of being let down and hurt on occasion and partially maybe just despairing of the human race and and people's behaviour.

I feel in the past I've invested time and emotion in building relationships and trying to understand people, and I feel now like I've emptied my resources.

It seems that like maybe I've just got to a place where I'm an independent self-sufficient woman and I feel like I don't want or need anybody else apart from for light-hearted friendship and fun.

I feel like I don't have the patience, time or mental space to tolerate people's behaviour.

Does anybody else feel like this, it doesn't feel like a bad thing, but I do ponder it occasionally.

Oh God yes!!!

Im at the point where I wouldnt care if I never saw another human ever again

I'm utterly sick of selfish, self serving, disrespectful, users."

Yep, pretty much xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP this is massively surprising to me, I've always found you warm and open and felt instantly at home in your company. Isn't it interesting how it is often the people you least expect it from.

Reading through this thread it is weirdly heartening to know I'm.not the only one feeling like this, and that many of the women posting are people I massively admire from reading their views and input on the forums.

I've been pondering this afternoon after binning off someone I had been talking to from a dating site. I felt like I had to ignore how I was feeling, but then realised (with the help of a wise friend) that actually it is ok to realise that it is far better to be single than with someone who demands a lot and gives very little. But I too get the sympathy from married/attached friends who obviously think there is nothing worse than being single. I have literally zero faith in other people and would rather carry on as I am than settle for something less that I want or deserve xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

When it comes to a healthy relationship, I think you absolutely have to be getting something back for it to be fulfilling

Yes, because if you feel you give more than you get, the only thing that happens is that resentment builds

Which eventually turns into " youre taking the fucking piss out of me""

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By *hezingtonMan
over a year ago

Fleet

I couldn't agree more. Spot on

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By *etite_delightWoman
over a year ago

BunnyLand


"You're not supposed to give to get back. I know this

When it comes to a healthy relationship, I think you absolutely have to be getting something back for it to be fulfilling

Yes, because if you feel you give more than you get, the only thing that happens is that resentment builds

Which eventually turns into " youre taking the fucking piss out of me"

"

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