FabSwingers.com forum: When your brain works against you....

By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

You start wondering if they are just playing you along,wonder if you are one of several they are planning to meet and then your brain just starts going off on an unnecessary tangent and causing you problems.

How do you stop this from happening???

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By *awk90Man
over a year ago

Amsterdam

I tend to try this occupy my mind with something else when this happens, try to break the negatively spiralling thoughts. Go for a run, or cool some food, edit a video, or something. Just put the silly brain to use doing something else.

It is tricky though :/

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"I tend to try this occupy my mind with something else when this happens, try to break the negatively spiralling thoughts. Go for a run, or cool some food, edit a video, or something. Just put the silly brain to use doing something else.

It is tricky though :/"

Its totally frustrating, why does our brain want to work against us?

I just want to be a go with the flow person!!

I will try distractions though,thank you

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

I know the feeling I sometimes spoil it for myself I do try and think positive xx

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"I know the feeling I sometimes spoil it for myself I do try and think positive xx"

Thats exactly it, I ruin things sometimes and its so stupid!

I need to think positively too!

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

It is tricky though :/

Its totally frustrating, why does our brain want to work against us?

I just want to be a go with the flow person!!

I will try distractions though,thank you

What i find frustrating is you're getting along really well and during normal times you'd be aiming to sort out a meet or a social and because you really can't, things become stale and it sadly seems to die.

Its not that you're not interested but more that you can't follow things up in the normal progression and then you wonder if they've gone off you or if they think you're not interested any more.

Its disheartening and I've had a lot of chats end up going this way and its hard to keep it going or resurrect it again.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"I know the feeling I sometimes spoil it for myself I do try and think positive xx

Thats exactly it, I ruin things sometimes and its so stupid!

I need to think positively too!"

Omg snap xx and yet I try to be positive and humorous till last minute then

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

It is tricky though :/

Its totally frustrating, why does our brain want to work against us?

I just want to be a go with the flow person!!

I will try distractions though,thank you

Its not that you're not interested but more that you can't follow things up in the normal progression and then you wonder if they've gone off you or if they think you're not interested any more.

Its disheartening and I've had a lot of chats end up going this way and its hard to keep it going or resurrect it again."

Totally agree, its hard to form a solid connection with someone you can't even meet, I try and have the 'whats meant to be,will be attitude but it doesn't last

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"I know the feeling I sometimes spoil it for myself I do try and think positive xx

Thats exactly it, I ruin things sometimes and its so stupid!

I need to think positively too!

Omg snap xx and yet I try to be positive and humorous till last minute then

One negative thoughts slips in and then that positivity just plummets!!

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"I know the feeling I sometimes spoil it for myself I do try and think positive xx

Thats exactly it, I ruin things sometimes and its so stupid!

I need to think positively too!

Omg snap xx and yet I try to be positive and humorous till last minute then

One negative thoughts slips in and then that positivity just plummets!!

"
this xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

I know this approach isn't for everyone, but would it be easier to assume that they are also still making plans with other people, but still enjoy it for what it is? Unless you're only looking for something exclusive, or that's what you guys have discussed, I would just try put that worry out of my head altogether and just enjoy our chat/meets x

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

Maybe thats a good way to view it even though I've been told that they aren't looking for multiple people.

Just maybe assume they are and so not be put off by this??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's too personal a decision for me to say that's what you should do, I know there's lots of people who do want some exclusivity. I just know that for me, part of the appeal of this site is I have zero game playing with anyone as there's no need to be sneaky or hide anything. Chat, meet up, have a great time and what you both do outwith that I don't stress about.

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"It's too personal a decision for me to say that's what you should do, I know there's lots of people who do want some exclusivity. I just know that for me, part of the appeal of this site is I have zero game playing with anyone as there's no need to be sneaky or hide anything. Chat, meet up, have a great time and what you both do outwith that I don't stress about. "

Great outlook

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By *atBottomGirlsWoman
over a year ago

St Austell-ish

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

It's a swinging site--I didn't think people came on here assuming others WOULDN'T also be meeting or at least chatting with others (overall).

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I just keen it simple and make few assumptions until I get to meet in person. I keep it light and away from being an involved relationship conducted via technology

If I was uncertain about them or my reactions, I would step away for a little while.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

It's a swinging site--I didn't think people came on here assuming others WOULDN'T also be meeting or at least chatting with others (overall)."

Maybe people think they'd be OK with it, then just find it difficult to adjust to that idea in reality? Or they just decide they don't want to, I've seen loads of folk say they want some form of monogamy and everyone uses the site differently so I can get why it plays on some peoples minds whereas for others it's not a concern at all.

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

It's a swinging site--I didn't think people came on here assuming others WOULDN'T also be meeting or at least chatting with others (overall)."

Don't get me wrong,I wouldn't be unhappy if they were chatting to 100 people, its more about when people tell you that they are looking for a fwb and only one that my mind goes a bit wonky!!

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

"I just keen it simple and make few assumptions until I get to meet in person. I keep it light and away from being an involved relationship conducted via technology

If I was uncertain about them or my reactions, I would step away for a little while. "

Usually meets would happen fairly soon after starting to chat, its harder nowadays.

Talking a step back is a wise move.

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By *atBottomGirlsWoman
over a year ago

St Austell-ish

"Don't get me wrong,I wouldn't be unhappy if they were chatting to 100 people, its more about when people tell you that they are looking for a fwb and only one that my mind goes a bit wonky!!"

OH yea! That I get.

Overthinking on here takes up so much brain space, it's giving me dementia.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your brain consists of competing factions anyway, think of it as multiple programs running simultaneously to solve a problem. Several solutions will be available but different parts of your brain will ‘vote ‘ for different outcomes, this is why you argue with yourself and ultimately wish you’d picked a different solution

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I totally get what you mean OP and have done the same as you in the past - it's very easily done here, sex is an emotive subject whether you're looking for NSA or something a little more committe, and it's so easy to get caught up in the emotional side of things where you *do* end up overthinking things and reading more into a situation than there might actually be.

Doesn't help either that there's a perception of "unwritten rules" around what you should/shouldn't discuss with prospective meets for fear of scaring them away.

When it's happened to me and I've realised I'm doing it, I've taken myself off and given my head a wobble, reminding myself that this is an NSA led environment and that people may well be talking to/arranging to meet others but that they're also talking to me still - simply put I try to stop thinking subjectively and think objectively and it's usually done the trick.

Of course not being able to meet and solidify any connections you may have made doesn't help, and of course some "connections" may naturally fizzle out, at either or both ends, over a period of time too and there's nothing you can do about either situation - so all you can do is try and keep your own head straight, maintain the contact and carry on building the connection (if you feel it worth building) and see where it leads.

Also, you don't know they may be feeling exactly the same about you, so may be worth taking a bold step and being open and honest about how you feel - which is a risk admittedly, and only you can know if it's one worth taking.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Brilliant reply from Gemini Man above ^.

Personally, I know that I'm prone to overthinking during a particular time of the month (thanks hormones) and I'll tend to step back/ talk to a good friend about my irrational doubts and laugh about how ridiculous they are.

It's a good idea to frame it as they probably are talking to others but they are taking the time to talk to you - if they weren't interested would they carry on doing so? Probably not. Have more faith in what the other person is saying - if they express an interest in you it's exactly that; little good comes from overthinking the nuances and it's easier if you accept or believe in what they say to you. I tend to think also that if someone is no longer interested in you and you've had decent conversations before, they'll probably have the decency to say if it's faded/ changed for them. In an ideal world you'd be able to just ask them but that leads to the danger of being seen as needy or various other things.

I think that right now it's all so uncertain isn't it? You don't know when you might meet so as much as possible, try to enjoy it for what it is without overthinking it. And if you do start doing that, step back and focus on other things because you and the other person deserve that.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

And to carry on from Meli's equally well put post above - I've used the talking to others thing and it's funny how when you start to put thoughts into words clarity comes naturally and sometimes to the point that you start to realise as you speak how ridiculous those thoughts are.

Another way of doing this, particularly if you've no-one you can talk to about these things, is to write yourself an email in which you let your thoughts jumble out, phrase it as if you were going to send it to the person causing those thoughts - again quite often clarity comes from the process of doing it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

Maybe you're having those feels and thoughts for a reason.

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By *ittyandtheboyCouple
over a year ago

Back of the bins.

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

The nature of ethical non monogamy would indicate that anyone may have multiple conversations going at any time. I don’t think you can expect or even request someone is exclusive.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Everything is going great, you're chatting to someone that ticks all your boxes and getting to know each other.

Covid is obviously preventing meeting so chatting it is for now.

You think you really click,want the same thing and then boom...

How do you stop this from happening???

The nature of ethical non monogamy would indicate that anyone may have multiple conversations going at any time. I don’t think you can expect or even request someone is exclusive. "

You definitely can't *expect* exclusivity for sure - but you can always *request* it, you just have to be prepared to accept the outcome of doing so, good or bad.

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By *ot monkey71Couple
over a year ago

middlesbrough

Went to a meet, even though they had great feedback, i got it in my head this could be a set up and i may be about to get mugged. Got to the house walked up the steps, looling at the steps to plan my getaway, knocked on the door and the female who we spoke to answered. It was all good but hey the brain can be a twat lol.

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By *az080378 OP Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

Great and helpful responses,thanks guys.

Just to clarify,I don't request someone only talks to me,ever,as thats not the way I am.

I also fully expect people to meet others etc and thats also not a problem, but I've found with not being able to meet and only making an emotional connection, things play on my mind.

Emotions are far harder to keep in perspective.

And when you find someone who you do form an emotional connection with,its sad when it fizzles out.

I know I'm not alone in the overthinking now though and that's helped alot,so that you to everyone who commented

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