FabSwingers.com forum: The REALLY funny joke thread......

By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Don't be lame.

Post a joke that you KNOW most will have to laugh at.......

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the local video shop and said: "Could I borrow Batman Forever?"

He said: "No - you have to bring it back tomorrow."

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I went to the doctors and said “Dr I keep feeling like a supermarket” and he said “How long have you been feeling like this?” I told him “Ever since I was Lidl”

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

What’s the difference between a disgusting transport centre that’s covered in grime and dirt and a lobster with a boob job?

One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other “ere, can you smell carrots?”

Hahahaha

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

For me the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only just a whim away... a whim away ..a whim awayyy ohhhhhohhhhhhhh weee ummm ummm awayyyyyy

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By *implynaughty1Couple
over a year ago

stockport

"Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other “ere, can you smell carrots?”

Hahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked into the kitchen and thought the fridge was playing the BeeGee's greatest hits... It was just the chives talking

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

I came out of the supermarket earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

I asked her what was wrong and she explained how she had been saving up money for the last two years to go on an amazing holiday.

Then, on the way to the travel agent she had lost all the money.

I was so touched by her story that I gave her 50 quid.

Now I don’t normally do that sort of thing ,

but I’d just found 2 grand in cash in the car park!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate asked, "So how come you and your wife have been together for so long and never seem to argue?"

"The key to a good marriage is an adventurous and exciting sex life."

"Really? I never knew that."

"Neither does she!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife...

He's been a miserable cunt lately!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman said to her husband she was thinking of breast enlargements...

"Just rub toilet paper between them, it will be cheaper," he replied.

"Will that work?" she asked.

"It did for your arse!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer."Certainly sir, that'll be a penny." "A penny? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "Ten pence " the barman replied."Ten pence?" exclaimed the man, “so where's Jack who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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By *elix SightedMan
over a year ago

Cloud 8

Doctor says "Dave, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Dave "Oh no! Why Doc?"

Doctor "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

How do I prepare my turkey for Christmas?

I just sit it down and tell it straight....

“You’re gonna die”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *ogan WillowCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

[Removed by poster at 27/11/20 11:58:08]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll pull my trousers down.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I went to a bookshop and asked where the Self Help section was. The member of staff that if they told me that would defeat the object.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Spell "I met".

Now phone home!

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"How do I prepare my turkey for Christmas?

I just sit it down and tell it straight....

“You’re gonna die”"

Winner 1.

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Doctor says "Dave, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Dave "Oh no! Why Doc?"

Doctor "Because I'm trying to examine you!" "

Winner 2

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I'll pull my trousers down. "

I guess it's all in the timing......

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Spell "I met".

Now phone home!"

Honest to fooking God....... i've tried n tried and read it n read it.

Anyone ?

I met

Now phone home ?

anyone at all ?

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By *ambozaMan
over a year ago

kilburn park

What do you call a chap with a rabbit shoved up his bum ?

Warren... boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend left her boyfriend after his penis enlargement.She just couldn't take it any longer

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"For me the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only just a whim away... a whim away ..a whim awayyy ohhhhhohhhhhhhh weee ummm ummm awayyyyyy

Exit stage left!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Spell "I met".

Now phone home!

Honest to fooking God....... i've tried n tried and read it n read it.

Anyone ?

I met

Now phone home ?

anyone at all ?"

I M E T

I Em Ee Tee

I am ET

Wiith a joke like that, no wonder they abanded him on Earth.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

My gardener just came out, but only after he got caught with Pete up his bum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kind of a joke

I asked my grandkids.did they want to go to a duck do with me? They replied,what's a duck do,which I replied

QUACK QUACK

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apparently Jeremy beadle had quite a large penis

But on the other hand it was quite small

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What's the most common type of blood group for cynics?

Be Negative.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Child to dinner lady

I'll have pissoles chips and Beans

She replied it's an R

Ok arseoles chips and Beans then

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Apparently Jeremy beadle had quite a large penis

But on the other hand it was quite small"

We actually went to his funeral , just close family and friends.....and a small finger buffet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP Woman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Spell "I met".

Now phone home!

Honest to fooking God....... i've tried n tried and read it n read it.

Anyone ?

I met

Now phone home ?

anyone at all ?

I M E T

I Em Ee Tee

I am ET

Wiith a joke like that, no wonder they abanded him on Earth."

Thanks professor ........ it's shit isn't it.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Did the Avon lady pull at the department store's Xmas party?

Yes, cos Max Factor.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Spell "I met".

Now phone home!

Honest to fooking God....... i've tried n tried and read it n read it.

Anyone ?

I met

Now phone home ?

anyone at all ?

I M E T

I Em Ee Tee

I am ET

Wiith a joke like that, no wonder they abanded him on Earth.

Thanks professor ........ it's shit isn't it."

Yes it is, cheesier than waiving some soft cheese, at a shy panda baby, at the zoo.

Camembert, camembert.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What leaves a bigger impression than a passionate kiss? A stab wound.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Doctor says "Dave, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Dave "Oh no! Why Doc?"

Doctor "Because I'm trying to examine you!" "

Nice one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'll pull my trousers down.

I guess it's all in the timing......

Yes the key is in the timing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always wondered why frisbees appear bigger the closer they get.

And then it hit me.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

What do ya call a prostitute with no legs?

A dirty cunt

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

A shepherd on his driving test is asked if he can make a U-Turn.

‘Make a ewe turn’ he replied ‘I’ll make its fucking eyes water’

Ahhhhhhhh thankewe I’m here all night

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

Or is it one of Granny's myths?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I once wrote a mystery book, or did I?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a blonde walk into a bar, I thought to myself blimey I'd have thought she'd of seen that!

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By *yronutMan
over a year ago

St Austell

Two parrots sitting on a perch......

On say to the other..... Can you smell fish??

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What leaves a bigger impression than a passionate kiss? A stab wound. "

..sealed with a leach...mmwwwaaa!

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

Stood at the bar and my mobile rang.

When I finished the call a guy walked over and said can I ask....whats your ring tone?

I replied its a sort of brownish colour, why?

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

Some people call it anal bleaching, I call it changing my ringtone.......

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

My uncle just told us all he's addicted to viagra.

He's doing ok but my auntie is taking it hard.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I used to be a werewolf ..but I'm alright nowoooooooooo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

offered to help mum put her tree up today , but she insisted she put it up herself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dyslexic best friend was arrested for dancing naked in a local farmers barn after he went to a marriage guidance meeting. I asked him what the fuck he was thinking and he said he was given the advice that he should do something sexy to a tractor

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By *hom01Man
over a year ago

St. Albans

"My uncle just told us all he's addicted to viagra.

He's doing ok but my auntie is taking it hard."
Made me laugh !!

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

My granddad takes viagra, not for sexual purposes, it stops him peeing on his shoes.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I once found a brilliant way of getting my then mrs, to shut up and listen to every word I said...

I got a job as a bingo caller.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ejaculate ... what a Yorkshire person says to jack when he’s not on time !

...

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Fart ...a painting a long way away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cannibals eating a clown ... one made an ewww face, turned to the other and asked “does this taste funny to you?”

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What did the cannibal make of the politician he just met?

A: Pork and bologne sammiches.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled.

Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank..

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''

Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'

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By *r.SJMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough

How do you get a nun pregnant...?

Dress them up as an altar boy

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"My dyslexic best friend was arrested for dancing naked in a local farmers barn after he went to a marriage guidance meeting. I asked him what the fuck he was thinking and he said he was given the advice that he should do something sexy to a tractor"

Deere oh Deere!

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

"Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

First time I’ve heard this,brilliant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My neighbours have recently made a sex tape , obviously they don’t know that yet .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1) I’ve recently seen that shops are doing advent calendars for Jehovah’s Witness’s , behind every window they’re is someone telling you to fuck off.

2) I had a Jehovah witness trying to tell me a knock knock joke but I pretended not to be in .

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