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Cheer me up?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What a shit show of a year. Lost a lovely friend of mine to cancer this morning on top of all the other crap going on at the min. Sooooo cheer me up? Let’s hear your best rubbish cheesy silly jokes the “punnier” the better I need a giggle.

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

Sorry for your loss lovely..

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because they’d be pretty useless if they only had six inches...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am so sorry for your loss

Nothing I can say will make it better but if I can make you smile then that's ok.

Ok, I can't guarantee you will smile but here goes;

What is brown and sticky?

A stick

Sorry

Sending you love regardless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I once wrote a mystery book, or did I?

(Sending your way)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sorry for your loss lovely..

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because they’d be pretty useless if they only had six inches... "

Hahah thank you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am so sorry for your loss

Nothing I can say will make it better but if I can make you smile then that's ok.

Ok, I can't guarantee you will smile but here goes;

What is brown and sticky?

A stick

Sorry

Sending you love regardless "

Thank you I’ll take the even if the joke was pants. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I once wrote a mystery book, or did I?

(Sending your way)"

Haha thank you x

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

I once bought 8 legs of venison for £500

Is that 2 deer?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I finished writing my book last Monday about improving your memory.

Or was it Wednesday?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/11/20 20:42:54]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year."

Lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets."

Speak for yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

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By *xfordshireCoupleMFCouple
over a year ago

Nr. Oxford

It’s been a crappy year for a lot of folks.

The good news is that it’ll be January soon and you’ll have a New Years resolution to spectacularly win or fail at!

So....

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

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By *moothGrooveWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Did you know ants can't get Coronavirus?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Did you know ants can't get Coronavirus?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies! "

Did you know how to tell the sex of an ant?

If you put it in water and it sinks it’s a girl ant

And if you put it in water and it floats...

It’s buoyant

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

Butcher is working in his shop one day when a duck waddles in, jumps on the counter and says... “got any bread?”... Stunned, the butcher replied that it’s not a bakery so no he hasn’t... the duck quacks in annoyance and leaves...

The next day the duck waddles in again... “got any bread?”.... “sorry, like I said yesterday, this isn’t a bakery so no” replies the Butcher.... With an angry flap and loud squawk the duck waddles off again...

This repeats every day for a week, ther getting more frustrated and angry as the duck gets more insistent until finally he snaps.... “LOOK!... I haven’t got any fucking bread... ask again and I’ll nail your feet to the counter and use you as a display!....”.... the duck quacks and waddles off...

The next day, things seem quieter and no sign of the duck.... until just before closing time, in it comes... up onto the counter and asks...

“Got a hammer?”.... “umm no?...” replies the butcher, confused....

“In that case.... Got any bread?”.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Butcher is working in his shop one day when a duck waddles in, jumps on the counter and says... “got any bread?”... Stunned, the butcher replied that it’s not a bakery so no he hasn’t... the duck quacks in annoyance and leaves...

The next day the duck waddles in again... “got any bread?”.... “sorry, like I said yesterday, this isn’t a bakery so no” replies the Butcher.... With an angry flap and loud squawk the duck waddles off again...

This repeats every day for a week, ther getting more frustrated and angry as the duck gets more insistent until finally he snaps.... “LOOK!... I haven’t got any fucking bread... ask again and I’ll nail your feet to the counter and use you as a display!....”.... the duck quacks and waddles off...

The next day, things seem quieter and no sign of the duck.... until just before closing time, in it comes... up onto the counter and asks...

“Got a hammer?”.... “umm no?...” replies the butcher, confused....

“In that case.... Got any bread?”....."

That made me laugh out loud.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch."

Didn’t I tell you this one???

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By *iss EveyWoman
over a year ago

Camberley

I'm so sorry you're going through the ringer at the moment.

This is my favourite short joke;

I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Didn’t I tell you this one???"

No but I bet you wished you had ;-0;-) lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bet the guy who designed thongs is a bit up his own ass.

I have mixed race parents. My Dad prefers the 100 metres, my Mum the 1500.

I was raised by my Dad. My Mum left before I was born.

I liked being raised by my Dad. He's schizophrenic, but he's good people.

He used to take me to the park and I remember thinking "why does a frisbee appear larger the closest it gets?" And then it hit me.

My Dad took me fishing once. I remember swimming back to shore thinking "my Dad doesn't like me very much"

When I was 9 I felt insecure and thought I was adopted. I sat my parents down and asked them if I was. My Dad said "Ohi ching shay wang ho"

Hope this has helped

Cindi x

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Hey.. miss head... what's the difference between me and a pervert..... nothing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I bet the guy who designed thongs is a bit up his own ass.

I have mixed race parents. My Dad prefers the 100 metres, my Mum the 1500.

I was raised by my Dad. My Mum left before I was born.

I liked being raised by my Dad. He's schizophrenic, but he's good people.

He used to take me to the park and I remember thinking "why does a frisbee appear larger the closest it gets?" And then it hit me.

My Dad took me fishing once. I remember swimming back to shore thinking "my Dad doesn't like me very much"

When I was 9 I felt insecure and thought I was adopted. I sat my parents down and asked them if I was. My Dad said "Ohi ching shay wang ho"

Hope this has helped

Cindi x

"

If you need more let me know, I've spent a lifetime watching stand up comedians do one liners and have a memory full of this stuff lol

X

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

They all laughed When I left school I said I was going to be a comedian... they're not laughing now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They all laughed When I left school I said I was going to be a comedian... they're not laughing now"

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no head?

Matt.

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

Sorry for your loss, sending you hugs.

I don't really do one liners but park on doubles sometimes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you for the jokes and lovely words guys! Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear about loss of your friend.

As for jokes.. I'm terrible at telling them. Always punch up the fuck lines.

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