FabSwingers.com forum: When does caring for somebody

By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

is more than genuine caring and is moving towards controlling behaviour?

What are the signs and symptoms, how can we spot it and what can we do about it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't. "

You mean like having a drink or something?

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By *umstibleMan
over a year ago

Colindale

Usually, the first first indicator is financial control.

Take someones financial control from them and they are practically a slave to you.

I think another early indicator is 'that person is not a good friend to you' type stuff, where the claim is that they should stay away from a certain person, regardless how close or even if they are family or not. Again, if you cut someone off from their friends and family they are less likely to 'get away' or can't find help even if they wanted to because everyone has been alienated.

This is the behaviour of most cults. They take you away from family and friends so sane people are unable to show you the problems in the behaviour of the cult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you start feeling like your needs or opinions arent important

You are just the facilitator

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Sounds like a whole profession, not a forum subject. So many resources out there.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Usually, the first first indicator is financial control.

Take someones financial control from them and they are practically a slave to you.

This is the behaviour of most cults. They take you away from family and friends so sane people are unable to show you the problems in the behaviour of the cult."
Do you think it happens overnight or are there warning signs to watch for?

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"When you start feeling like your needs or opinions arent important

You are just the facilitator"

So being "ignored" is one indicator?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Narcissism and gaslighting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't.

You mean like having a drink or something?"

Could be anything. What you wear, who you see, what you buy. In my ex husbands case it was stopping me from working.

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By *ed_AliceWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

I suppose different behaviours are going to provoke different reactions in different people.

Telling the difference between someone being happily besotted vs someone love bombing you could be difficult.

I think the test would be to ask them to cool it/slow down & watch their reaction.

If they anger or double their efforts that would be a giant red flag & I'd probably start the process of disengaging.

Monopolising your time & attention can also be a bad sign, especially if they get upset or angry if you have plans with other people.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Sounds like a whole profession, not a forum subject. So many resources out there."

Thank you - I am not personally looking for assistance or help - I am aware of resources but I was curious what other people think and see the possibly slipper slope into a controlling relationship.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I suppose different behaviours are going to provoke different reactions in different people.

Telling the difference between someone being happily besotted vs someone love bombing you could be difficult.

I think the test would be to ask them to cool it/slow down & watch their reaction.

If they anger or double their efforts that would be a giant red flag & I'd probably start the process of disengaging.

Monopolising your time & attention can also be a bad sign, especially if they get upset or angry if you have plans with other people."
so an element of jealous behaviour, right?

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Narcissism and gaslighting "

So like making you believe things that are not there?

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't.

You mean like having a drink or something?

Could be anything. What you wear, who you see, what you buy. In my ex husbands case it was stopping me from working. "
Can I ask you when you realised this was controlling and not ok?

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I'm not sure what the signs and symptoms when they change to controlling. I believe they play on your insecurities and gradually become more and more controlling. Until you don't recognize yourself and shell of your former self. I think they become cocky eventually and then accidentally cross a line and then it's like a sudden awakening unfortunately

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When everything starts to become your fault even when it's not or they have played a part, they find a way to turn it round and blame you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't.

You mean like having a drink or something?

Could be anything. What you wear, who you see, what you buy. In my ex husbands case it was stopping me from working. Can I ask you when you realised this was controlling and not ok? "

When I had it pointed out to me by some friends and I started actually looking at the situation from the outside rather than just living it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Controlling behaviour is the very opposite of caring.

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't. "

I dont agree with this.

My covert narcissistic ex never once told me I couldnt do anything but he made sure to make it difficult for me to do it & make me feel incredibly guilty & imply I was selfish if I did.

Some people fly just enough under the radar for you not to leave them. He showed his true colours when I told him no, I wasnt going to be taking a cheating husband. Then he changed.

MsD

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman
over a year ago

Manchester(ish).

If you are questioning the behaviour, it doesn't matter what it is, it's probably bad for you / an unhealthy relationship.

Listen to your instincts, they're trying to protect you.

It's also unbelieveable how little bits of behaviour, all individually could be 'brushed off', then total up to be something horrible.

Bottom line - get out before it's hard to leave.

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By *ed_AliceWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

"I suppose different behaviours are going to provoke different reactions in different people.

Telling the difference between someone being happily besotted vs someone love bombing you could be difficult.

I think the test would be to ask them to cool it/slow down & watch their reaction.

If they anger or double their efforts that would be a giant red flag & I'd probably start the process of disengaging.

Monopolising your time & attention can also be a bad sign, especially if they get upset or angry if you have plans with other people.so an element of jealous behaviour, right?"

Not necessarily jealousy, although it could be. I was thinking more being all puppy dog sad & mopey that they won't get to spend the time with you, that they'll miss you, that you won't have as much fun without them.

The very early signs of abusive controlling behaviour usually involve a lot of positive attention designed to enthrall you & reel you in & make you feel like the centre of their world.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

How should a woman act?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ended up in an incredably abusive controlling relationship and it started with things like if I said I was meeting a friend for a drink after work he'd turn funny with me, either not talking to me or picking arguments to make the rest of my day leading up to it shit so I wasn't in the mood to go.... If I did still go he'd do stuff like turn up at the same bar with his friends so he could keep an eye on me

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By *umstibleMan
over a year ago

Colindale

"Usually, the first first indicator is financial control.

Take someones financial control from them and they are practically a slave to you.

This is the behaviour of most cults. They take you away from family and friends so sane people are unable to show you the problems in the behaviour of the cult. Do you think it happens overnight or are there warning signs to watch for? "

There are definitely warning signs, but there are generally the first big two.

Like, the fact that someone shows you sooooo much attention means that you eventually have to show some or equivalent amount back, someone has already said this way they monopolies your time and attention, this is where you start to break from friends and family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

I don't think this thread is about your problems with women Patrick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

you make it sound like it's only women are controlling, manipulative or narcissistic.

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By *olly4Woman
over a year ago

Newcastle

[Removed by poster at 17/11/20 18:48:43]

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere."

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

you make it sound like it's only women are controlling, manipulative or narcissistic. "

There is more abuse behaviour in same sex relationships. But DA is very much a gendered issue.

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By *olly4Woman
over a year ago

Newcastle

[Removed by poster at 17/11/20 18:52:52]

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

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By *olly4Woman
over a year ago

Newcastle

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells."

When they use the silent treatment as a form of punishment and you are responsible for their happiness or lack of.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you? "

Yes yes and fuck yes. I blame myself so much, how was I so stupid etc. It's a hard thing to get over

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"When you start feeling like your needs or opinions arent important

You are just the facilitator

So being "ignored" is one indicator?"

Being ignored in a relationship is an indicator of control. Even 'time out' sessions where the offender is taught to walk out of a heater situation for the victims safety is still an act of control BUT the potential danger of not walking away is a greater threat to the victim hence why 'time out' strategies are used

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you? "

No, I've been able to let go of that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

Yes yes and fuck yes. I blame myself so much, how was I so stupid etc. It's a hard thing to get over "

Hugs lovely

I agree with this though, I do blame myself for not standing up and seeing more of it sooner, for taking the crap that I did.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"Usually, the first first indicator is financial control.

Take someones financial control from them and they are practically a slave to you.

This is the behaviour of most cults. They take you away from family and friends so sane people are unable to show you the problems in the behaviour of the cult."

Yes this! And putting u down all time telling u your fat/ugly/thick and no one else will ever want u!till u reach the point u belive it! And still belive it deep in the back of your brain x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you? "

No I don't.... I did for a while but then I look at who I am as a person now and I like who I am and I'm a product of all my experiences bad and good... A favourite quote of mine is 'somone once gave me a box of darkness, it took me years to understand this too was a gift.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

Yes yes and fuck yes. I blame myself so much, how was I so stupid etc. It's a hard thing to get over

Hugs lovely

I agree with this though, I do blame myself for not standing up and seeing more of it sooner, for taking the crap that I did. "

Nearly all survivours blame themselves for not seeing it sooner.

Thi k of it another way...have you ever met a rude conman, no. They are attentive snd caring at 1st to lull people in. Dont ever blame yourself for any DA situation

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

Yes yes and fuck yes. I blame myself so much, how was I so stupid etc. It's a hard thing to get over

Hugs lovely

I agree with this though, I do blame myself for not standing up and seeing more of it sooner, for taking the crap that I did. "

It's annoying because you know looking back if it was your mate, you'd be telling them to leave, but somehow you don't see it yourself. It's only when I started crossing massive lines did I really recognise what was going on.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So, being gaslighted/ gas-lit? is one behaviour, being told what to do another, having one's confidence undermined is yet another sign of being ina controlling relationship.

How can this ever be the fault of the victim? I am just pondering ...

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

If anyone is struggling with a DA issue send me a message and I can put you in touch with organisation that can and will help you, both female and male

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

Yes this for me 2 x

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"So, being gaslighted/ gas-lit? is one behaviour, being told what to do another, having one's confidence undermined is yet another sign of being ina controlling relationship.

How can this ever be the fault of the victim? I am just pondering ... "

It's not my fault as such but I feel stupid/guilty I didn't notice it sooner as I exposed my kids to a toxic situation.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"So, being gaslighted/ gas-lit? is one behaviour, being told what to do another, having one's confidence undermined is yet another sign of being ina controlling relationship.

How can this ever be the fault of the victim? I am just pondering ... "

Eg a perpetrator can say "if you didn't do XYZ then I wouldn't have to have done blah blah blah"

Domestic abuse is a choice that is made. Yes factors like mental health, alcohol, drugs, ACES etc maybe contributing factors in ones behaviour it is not an excuse for choosing to be abusive!

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"So, being gaslighted/ gas-lit? is one behaviour, being told what to do another, having one's confidence undermined is yet another sign of being ina controlling relationship.

How can this ever be the fault of the victim? I am just pondering ...

It's not my fault as such but I feel stupid/guilty I didn't notice it sooner as I exposed my kids to a toxic situation. "

None of us are perfect, we are all human and make mistakes. Every human wants to feel love and be loved. You went to know.

For future reference you can always do a 'Claire Law' disclosure

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"When they change from asking you not to do something to telling you you can't. "

Is asking you not to do some thing evidence of caring? Surely caring for someone is encouraging them to try things?

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere."

I was totally unaware of what he was doing to me. Coercive control to a tee.

MsD

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

Yes yes and fuck yes. I blame myself so much, how was I so stupid etc. It's a hard thing to get over

Hugs lovely

I agree with this though, I do blame myself for not standing up and seeing more of it sooner, for taking the crap that I did. "

I don't blame myself for it happening, I'm not even resentful. I am however disappointed it went on for so long but fear and wearing you down are very capable control mechanisms.

I WAS a victim, and now I'm not.

It has impacted my future I can't deny it. I was terrified of trusting again, and when I allowed myself to I got burnt again, so just me myself and I from this point on.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

Some people on here know what I do for an actual job and they can vouch for me. If your stuck or have questions then drop me a message and I can put you in touch with appropriate services.

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

I was an unaware victim. My counsellor first highlighted his behaviour to me years ago. It was she that mentioned the word narcissist.

I do regret the wasted years & the crap I did put up with. But dont regret our 2 kids.

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By *hilledGuerillaMan
over a year ago

In the monkey house

If in doubt, go to the local police station for some advice.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"soon as you get that 'im never wrong' attitude from a partner its time to go.

you will always feel trapped and unable to express a view because of fear.

you'll find they will blame you for something and when they do it its perfectly fine.

possibly why more men are staying single now than ever because their is very little to gain from being in a relationship.

a lot of women act like men and have no idea how to act like women.

you make it sound like it's only women are controlling, manipulative or narcissistic. "

It sounded to me just like a bit of balance and suggesting that its not just men who can be controlling in a relationship.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Just out of interest, why do you ask OP?

Is this a position you feel you may be in now?

If so I'd signpost you towards the Womens Aid website. Lots of helpful info and support, including how to identify Red Flags.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just out of interest, why do you ask OP?

Is this a position you feel you may be in now?

If so I'd signpost you towards the Womens Aid website. Lots of helpful info and support, including how to identify Red Flags.

I second this... They have a program called the freedom program and I recommend all women regardless of they are, have ever been or have never experienced dv should do it

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

When linguistic language moves from “modal operators of possibility” to “modal operators if necessity”.

Simple shift, yet so controlling.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Just out of interest, why do you ask OP?

Is this a position you feel you may be in now?

If so I'd signpost you towards the Womens Aid website. Lots of helpful info and support, including how to identify Red Flags.

No, not at all.

It is a subject that interests me. Just like other parts of relationships. But thanks (genuine) for your concern.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere."

The Coronation Street story last year/ this year was a good example of this. Apparently they wrote the storyline very carefully so it was realistic, starting slowly and getting gradually worse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you? "

What do you mean resentful? Like feeling guilty?

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere.

The Coronation Street story last year/ this year was a good example of this. Apparently they wrote the storyline very carefully so it was realistic, starting slowly and getting gradually worse.

I saw one episode as it's not something I watch.... I sat there nodding and thinking "yep, been there, and there, oh and there too"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere.

The Coronation Street story last year/ this year was a good example of this. Apparently they wrote the storyline very carefully so it was realistic, starting slowly and getting gradually worse.

I saw one episode as it's not something I watch.... I sat there nodding and thinking "yep, been there, and there, oh and there too" "

I saw the comments in newspapers from people annoyed with the storyline as it made them feel uncomfortable and they wanted the story to be over.

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I was with someone for 20 years - it took until 3 years after he left to realise he was controlling me. I once asked T If I could do something & his response was why are you asking me?

J x

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

What do you mean resentful? Like feeling guilty?"

No, not guilty for sure. Maybe a bit angry that you were put through this is what I meant.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

"Usually, the first first indicator is financial control.

Take someones financial control from them and they are practically a slave to you.

Gradual in my case.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you? "

Yes, I’m a strong person. Never thought I’d be the victim of domestic abuse. Things started off so simple, just little things like wanting to spend all my time with him rather than friends. Not bothering to wear make up, because to him I looked good anyway. Sharing our money, unequally, not seeing family alone. I hate the fact he could control me so easily, I wonder what it was about me that made him choose me, and I hate the devastation he wreaked on me and the children x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When nothing is their fault, is turned on you instead, when your actions hurt them and you're apparently a selfish person for doing them, when they try and make you feel guilty for not giving every bit of your time that they want, they lie, when they accuse you of things they themselves are doing, when things always end up being on their terms and never on yours or a compromise, they do things to provoke a reaction from you, try to make you jealous, ask you to come off social media, want you to fulfill their wants but won't yours, play mind games, deny you something they know you enjoy or use it as a way of getting what they want, upset you but then do 'niceties' to have you think they are worth keeping, and whe they keep trying to convince you you won't find anyone else as invested in you as they are. The list goes on.

Do I resent being in a situation like that.... Not sure resent is the right word. It left me feeling worthless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When nothing is their fault, is turned on you instead, when your actions hurt them and you're apparently a selfish person for doing them, when they try and make you feel guilty for not giving every bit of your time that they want, they lie, when they accuse you of things they themselves are doing, when things always end up being on their terms and never on yours or a compromise, they do things to provoke a reaction from you, try to make you jealous, ask you to come off social media, want you to fulfill their wants but won't yours, play mind games, deny you something they know you enjoy or use it as a way of getting what they want, upset you but then do 'niceties' to have you think they are worth keeping, and whe they keep trying to convince you you won't find anyone else as invested in you as they are. The list goes on.

Do I resent being in a situation like that.... Not sure resent is the right word. It left me feeling worthless. "

Are you free now?

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Do I resent being in a situation like that.... Not sure resent is the right word. It left me feeling worthless. "

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"So if you have (generic question again) experienced controlling behaviour - do you still feel resentful that it happened to you?

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By *ama bamaMan
over a year ago

dalkeith

"is more than genuine caring and is moving towards controlling behaviour?

What are the signs and symptoms, how can we spot it and what can we do about it?

"
if you ever feel that you are in that relationship.take a moment and google toxic relationshup it is like reading a page out of your daay

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

For me it started in a lovely way. I was very young, he was more than twice my age. He worried about me getting home after nights out with my equally young and foolish mates, so would give me a lift.

Then he wanted to know where I was going, purely out of concern for me being out late at night, and he'd turn up unexpectedly, just worried about me and there to give me a lift.

If I wasn't where I'd said I would be going he'd play hell with me - it was pre-mobile days and for all he knew I was dead in an alley somewhere, he was horribly worried all night etc etc

Then when it was accepted he would turn up every time I was out (purely for my own good) he would give me a lift there too (he may as well, since he wasn't drinking because he was picking me up).

Since he became my transport for every night out I would check with him he was free. If he wasn't, I didn't go out. If he wanted to pick me up at 10pm then that's when my night ended.

He was free less and less often, so I stopped seeing friends and spent my evenings either at his house or in a pub with just him.

When I wasn't seeing my friends it meant that I wasn't getting that reality check, and his control over my life expanded unchecked. It was always for my own good, almost impossible to argue against (who gets pissed off that their boyfriend is concerned for their safety?).

I had a lot of sexual insecurities that he played on, just giving me helpful advice on how I could be better. He really didn't want to tell me that I was shit in bed, but he forced himself to for my own good, so I could improve.

He destroyed my confidence and I allowed it to happen, because he was always doing me a favour.

For me it became coercive when I couldn't say no. Giving me a lift was lovely. Making me feel like I couldn't refuse that lift was controlling.

It's not always obvious, and rarely starts out in an explicitly controlling manner.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

I'm 30 years and another relationship on from my nightmare it still rears its head! And tbh never leaves my head! But as someone else has said it's made me who I am today! And I dont regret as I have 3 lovely children from that nightmare x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When it goes from our joint account to total financial control ..

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By *urreyloverMan
over a year ago

Guildford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells."

This is so true!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just out of interest, why do you ask OP?

Is this a position you feel you may be in now?

If so I'd signpost you towards the Womens Aid website. Lots of helpful info and support, including how to identify Red Flags.

I second this... They have a program called the freedom program and I recommend all women regardless of they are, have ever been or have never experienced dv should do it"

What is the freedom program?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

It really quite concerning to read how many Fabbers have experienced an abusive relationship of some sort.

I feel very lucky to have enjoyed almost 17yrs with the same wonderful man - half our lives. I'd had one "serious" boyfriend before S (I had my son with him) but it was a normal teen relationship and we are able to get along even now. Before him, we're talking a very long time ago, but even my boyfriend before that was (is) a lovely guy - he married one of my good friends and I'm still in touch, they live nearby. I could raise all my boyfriends since the age of 14 on the phone right now.

Reading this sort of thing about coercive control etc is very sobering.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From a male point of view, it's usually women who call themselves feminists that exhibit this kind of behaviour.

It typically involves lots of implied negatives. If you straight up ask what is meant they'll deflect making an ad hominen attack along the lines "if you don't know what you're doing wrong then that proves you're the problem". The reason for this is that if they outright said what they meant it'd be obviously ridiculous.

If you're not sure then ask some questions with a sense of curiosity, if you don't get a straight answer, that is your answer.

The hallmark of any abusive relationship will be the undermining of your ability to leave said relationship.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"Coercive control underpins all abusive behaviours. It a pattern of control to shift the power dynamic. This usually happens overtime and without the survivor even noticing they are being controlled.

Someone mentioned that it starts at financial control, this is not true, it can start anywhere.

The Coronation Street story last year/ this year was a good example of this. Apparently they wrote the storyline very carefully so it was realistic, starting slowly and getting gradually worse.

I saw one episode as it's not something I watch.... I sat there nodding and thinking "yep, been there, and there, oh and there too"

I saw the comments in newspapers from people annoyed with the storyline as it made them feel uncomfortable and they wanted the story to be over.

That story line was researched with a survivor service. Coronation Street sought advice on it. It was a good example.

I've worked with a guy who when he left for work hid 5 x £1 coins around the house and expected them back when he got in so his Mrs would spend all day cleaning to try and fund them. PRICK. the thing was he would only hide 4 of them and she could never find the last one. Now that's control.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

Fun fact. 1 in 4 women will experience some form of abusive behaviour in their lifetime.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true! "

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

[Removed by poster at 18/11/20 00:26:50]

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true!

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x"

women do this, they stay with a partner to protect the children and themselves. Nothing to feel guilty about. Its not ideal but you were looking after them.

It takes a strong person to walk out on everything but an even strong one to stay!

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true!

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x

women do this, they stay with a partner to protect the children and themselves. Nothing to feel guilty about. Its not ideal but you were looking after them.

It takes a strong person to walk out on everything but an even strong one to stay!"

Ty I know u cant change what has happened! But i do think I should have got out earlier! My eldest she is 46 next monday, said couple years ago she still to this day hides when she hears the front door open and her husband comes in he is lovely by the way!

! She made a joke of it but says it stems from those days x

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true!

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x

women do this, they stay with a partner to protect the children and themselves. Nothing to feel guilty about. Its not ideal but you were looking after them.

It takes a strong person to walk out on everything but an even strong one to stay!

! She made a joke of it but says it stems from those days x"

There's a huge recognition of ACES at the moment. Just have a Google for Adverse Childhood Experiences. It will help explain a lot.

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By *urreyloverMan
over a year ago

Guildford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true! "

Thankfully I have not had a controlling partner and I feel very sorry for those of you with that experience. But in my case it is caring for someone with a mental illness. You know that you are being controlled and manipulated but are almost powerless to challenge because they can't cope with the challenge. I think there are some similarities in that the person exerts power and control over others because they are unable to deal with their own difficulties/inadequacies.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true!

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x

women do this, they stay with a partner to protect the children and themselves. Nothing to feel guilty about. Its not ideal but you were looking after them.

It takes a strong person to walk out on everything but an even strong one to stay!

! She made a joke of it but says it stems from those days x

There's a huge recognition of ACES at the moment. Just have a Google for Adverse Childhood Experiences. It will help explain a lot."

Ty I shall take a look x

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"When you start changing your behavour to avoid aggro.

When you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

This is so true!

Ohh yes relate to this 2 sadly saying to kids dont b doing this or that when dad gets in u know what he is like! I do still feel guilt about that! Not getting out sooner x

women do this, they stay with a partner to protect the children and themselves. Nothing to feel guilty about. Its not ideal but you were looking after them.

It takes a strong person to walk out on everything but an even strong one to stay!

! She made a joke of it but says it stems from those days x

There's a huge recognition of ACES at the moment. Just have a Google for Adverse Childhood Experiences. It will help explain a lot."

Looked this up so sad to watch x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you are walking on eggshells, you feel guilty when you haven’t done anything, when everything is your fault.

It creeps in gradually so you don’t even notice, I was lucky, I had some very supportive friends who helped me to see it, and once I was out of the situation I could see it more clearly.

It leaves a huge scar on you. I was and still am scared to say things/speak up/say no at times.

I felt like I lost myself and was drowning.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"When you are walking on eggshells, you feel guilty when you haven’t done anything, when everything is your fault.

It creeps in gradually so you don’t even notice, I was lucky, I had some very supportive friends who helped me to see it, and once I was out of the situation I could see it more clearly.

It leaves a huge scar on you. I was and still am scared to say things/speak up/say no at times.

I felt like I lost myself and was drowning.

Hugs xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When you are walking on eggshells, you feel guilty when you haven’t done anything, when everything is your fault.

It creeps in gradually so you don’t even notice, I was lucky, I had some very supportive friends who helped me to see it, and once I was out of the situation I could see it more clearly.

It leaves a huge scar on you. I was and still am scared to say things/speak up/say no at times.

I felt like I lost myself and was drowning.

Hugs xx"

Thank you

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