FabSwingers.com forum: Auntie Ps advice line

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

You know the drill.

You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.

Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.

As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.

Bosch.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You know the drill.

You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.

Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.

As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.

Bosch.

"
do we asked publicly or dm??

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"You know the drill.

You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.

Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.

As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.

Bosch.

do we asked publicly or dm??"

Has to be public. Tis the law.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You know the drill.

You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.

Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.

As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.

Bosch.

do we asked publicly or dm??

Has to be public. Tis the law."
oh hell I'm not so sure about that

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

What do I do about my sister who I kinda like, but she keeps insisting on talking to my ex even though she knows he's a right piece of shit?

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Aunty P! Howdy!

Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?

I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.

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By *lfacatMan
over a year ago

Cumbria

Hello Aunty P

I have to wear in a new pair of Levi’s and they feel like they’re made of cardboard...

Is there away of avoiding the onset of chaffing?

Thank you in advance

Your red thighed servant.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"What do I do about my sister who I kinda like, but she keeps insisting on talking to my ex even though she knows he's a right piece of shit? "

Ohhhh my sunny sombrero!

My sister called Linda she leant out the winda and shat on my sunny sombrero.

You switch hats with her, send her downstairs just below the window and drop a log.

Tell her if she likes shit, you've plenty more pieces where that came from.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Dear Aunty P.

What's your solution for feet that are so cold that they're actually numb and are slightly blue?

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P! Howdy!

Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?

I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself."

Rolling pin innit.

You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Hello Aunty P

I have to wear in a new pair of Levi’s and they feel like they’re made of cardboard...

Is there away of avoiding the onset of chaffing?

Thank you in advance

Your red thighed servant."

You know in the film Oliver! when they're beating the shit outta the dusty rugs? Yeah, go to my house and do that.

Once you've done that you can help yourself to the vaseline on the window ledge.

As for your levis.... burn them. Problem solved.

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By *ntrigued32Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Afternoon Auntie P.

My hip is giving me a right pain in the arse and it's knocking the life out of me. I'm on all the meds but nothing is working. I can't get to see my gp. But will have a call in two weeks time. If I get up within 5 minutes of standing on it. It gives way.

I'm a miserable mare.

Help!!

Jo.Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Auntie

Being completely straight, recently I have been having certain feelings, now i do like my cock played with, but have been wondering what it would be like to do this to another?

Oh auntie what do i do

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Dear Aunty P.

What's your solution for feet that are so cold that they're actually numb and are slightly blue?"

Hot water bottle slipperage.

Make sure you cool them down in the freezer for a few hours so as not to burn your tootsies.

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By *umstibleMan
over a year ago

Colindale

A classy lady who shall not be named local to me keeps teasing but when i ask about a possible meet after lockdown she totally changes the convo.

Is she playing hard to get? Or just playing me?

Shall i pursue or back off?

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Afternoon Auntie P.

I'm a miserable mare.

Help!!

Jo.Xx "

Knackers yard? I reckon D will get a fair price for ya which can go towards crimbo.

I wish you'd have said something sooner, I had some quality knockout gas leaking from my armpits. Actually, the green vapour cloud that escaped out the window when I showered may be reaching yours about now.

Roll to the front door and inhale deeply

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues."

YouTube has endless resources

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Auntie

Being completely straight, recently I have been having certain feelings, now i do like my cock played with, but have been wondering what it would be like to do this to another?

Oh auntie what do i do"

You go wash those rotten thoughts out of your head. Playing with someone else's cock! Jebus man, who in their right mind would touch someone else's genitals?

*shudder*

Or..... you *could* attend a glory hole and take it from there but that's far too sensible to come out of my mouth

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aunty P

Currently drenched in baby oil.. thought id try making new vids. I used a bit too much.. I got some in my hair (fucking mad at myself) so now need a shower but dont wanna kill myself in the process lol

water/oil = not best mixed

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"A classy lady who shall not be named local to me keeps teasing but when i ask about a possible meet after lockdown she totally changes the convo.

Is she playing hard to get? Or just playing me?

Shall i pursue or back off?"

Tell my Uncle Bill to pack it in. He's always doing this.

Back in the day when he lived in Buffalo he got quite good at penis tucking and dressing as a woman. He's suckered you in sweet cheeks.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"What do I do about my sister who I kinda like, but she keeps insisting on talking to my ex even though she knows he's a right piece of shit?

Ohhhh my sunny sombrero!

My sister called Linda she leant out the winda and shat on my sunny sombrero.

You switch hats with her, send her downstairs just below the window and drop a log.

Tell her if she likes shit, you've plenty more pieces where that came from.

Fucking love it, was going to tell her to go fuck him if she liked him so much. But I much prefer this solution

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues."

I recommend contacting Le Po-Po

Gaffa tape, pliers and an electric drill is frowned upon these days

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question "

Honest answer.

It makes you human.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question

Honest answer.

It makes you human."
well I wasnt expecting that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Auntie P,

I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)

I'm in pain, have a little one off school until monday because he had a dodgy tummy this morning, I havent slept in what feels like a decade and I'm only just resisting the urge to bring the twat bat out and go to town on everyone that breathes in my direction.

Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.

What do you advise?

Yours

Non Sparkly - Sparkles

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By *ntrigued32Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"Afternoon Auntie P.

I'm a miserable mare.

Help!!

Jo.Xx

Knackers yard? I reckon D will get a fair price for ya which can go towards crimbo.

Roll to the front door and inhale deeply "

If I thought he would get a decent price Id let him sell me. I guess I'll have to roll to the front door and inhale deeply and hope for the best.

You're a life saver Auntie P.

Jo.Xx

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P

water/oil = not best mixed

I'm well practiced in this art.

You go roll in the grass like a dog who's found a steaming pile of fresh fox dollop.

Fool-proof

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Auntie P,

I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)

Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.

What do you advise?

Yours

Non Sparkly - Sparkles"

You got any rotting veg?

You and the munchkin can build a lego trebuchet and point it in the direction of the ex.

Educational AND serves a sinister purpose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Auntie P,

I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)

Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.

What do you advise?

Yours

Non Sparkly - Sparkles

You got any rotting veg?

You and the munchkin can build a lego trebuchet and point it in the direction of the ex.

Educational AND serves a sinister purpose."

Oh I love this answer! Thank you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question

Honest answer.

It makes you human."
what would the auntie p answer be lol

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question

Honest answer.

It makes you human. what would the auntie p answer be lol "

It makes you so desperate for attention that you'll entertain Rose West if she winked at ya.

Go get yourself a goldfish and call it Captain Shinysides.

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By *r.HMan
over a year ago

A gentleman never tells

Auntie P the all seeing all knowing knowledgeable one, please help me deal with the fuckwit drivers who are too lazy to use the indicators on their cars. I am at the end of my tether and feel my inner hulk brewing

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Dear Auntie P, is it possible to get repetitive strain injury from too much wanking?

Asking for a friend

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..

If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them

does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question

Honest answer.

It makes you human. what would the auntie p answer be lol

It makes you so desperate for attention that you'll entertain Rose West if she winked at ya.

Go get yourself a goldfish and call it Captain Shinysides. "
hahahahaha love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues.

I recommend contacting Le Po-Po

Gaffa tape, pliers and an electric drill is frowned upon these days "

I quite like frowning, Le Po-Po in the frame

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Auntie P the all seeing all knowing knowledgeable one, please help me deal with the fuckwit drivers who are too lazy to use the indicators on their cars. I am at the end of my tether and feel my inner hulk brewing "

Release

The

Hulk

Be a gem tho, and get it on video

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Dear Auntie P, is it possible to get repetitive strain injury from too much wanking?

Asking for a friend

Nope. Not even a little bit. In fact it just means the muscles are weak like a tiny little mousey and more practice is needed.

RSI is something lazy people made up to get out of work.

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire

Auntie P,

I slipped on a stray ice cube in my (laminate floor) kitchen earlier and now have the worlds smallest perineum.

Who do you think I should call. The Guiness book of records or that doctor that suddenly got buff from ‘embarrassing bodies’?

I feel that fame beckons......

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Aunty P! Howdy!

Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?

I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.

Rolling pin innit.

You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places."

Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee.....

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Auntie P,

I slipped on a stray ice cube in my (laminate floor) kitchen earlier and now have the worlds smallest perineum.

Who do you think I should call. The Guiness book of records or that doctor that suddenly got buff from ‘embarrassing bodies’?

I feel that fame beckons......"

Bare with me whilst I compose myself, I'm not laughing. Butt I am.

Fuck it, get em both round!

Genuine reason to sort yourself an accidental 3some.

The entrance music as they enter the threshold to your dwelling has to be "notorious"

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P! Howdy!

Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?

I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.

Rolling pin innit.

You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places.

Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee.....

Steal her bank card and order yourself a coffee machine.

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Aunty P

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P"

She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.

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By *ang bang bangity bangCouple
over a year ago

Sunderland

Dear Aunty P

S needs a new vibrator for the release of sexual tension.

Rechargeable or mains powered?

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

My Dearest Auntie P,

I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely?

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

"Aunty P

She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot."

Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Dear Aunty P

S needs a new vibrator for the release of sexual tension.

Rechargeable or mains powered?

Jump leads. Rev that baby up like Lewis motherfucking Hamilton

I would have said Schumacher but that would be bad taste and made me think of Frankensteins monster coming to life.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"My Dearest Auntie P,

You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My Dearest Auntie P,

You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them "

Head hamster

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P

She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.

Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal. "

No, that's why I like it.

*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.

This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"My Dearest Auntie P,

You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them "

Sometimes Auntie P your advice is so spot on it's unreal - other times it just makes me want to

- no prizes for guessing what this one is!!

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"My Dearest Auntie P,

You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them

Sometimes Auntie P your advice is so spot on it's unreal - other times it just makes me want to

- no prizes for guessing what this one is!!

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Aunty P! Howdy!

Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?

I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.

Rolling pin innit.

You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places.

Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee.....

Steal her bank card and order yourself a coffee machine.

You're a flipping genius. Just don't tell her that's the plan

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By *ang bang bangity bangCouple
over a year ago

Sunderland

"Dear Aunty P

S needs a new vibrator for the release of sexual tension.

Rechargeable or mains powered?

Jump leads. Rev that baby up like Lewis motherfucking Hamilton

I would have said Schumacher but that would be bad taste and made me think of Frankensteins monster coming to life."

And now you're a little turned on by the thought of Frankensteins Monster coming yo life....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Looking for helpful advice on best way to dispose of a body.....(best friend's arsehole husband!!!!)

Under the patio?

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Looking for helpful advice on best way to dispose of a body.....(best friend's arsehole husband!!!!)

Under the patio?"

Patios are always a good shout.

Mine is in dire need of some work so an obvious choice of disposal site.

Just don't be letting her go all practical magic on me and leaving me with a tequila drinking Latino ghost prick and a garden full of toads.

Also, bring a few pot plants, I'm a fan of the bottle bottlebrush (I think that's what it's called) and fuchsias. Fuck me I love em.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dear Auntie P

My ‘friend’ has a bit of a dilemma...

Is it ok to shag an Aunt?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dear Auntie P

My ‘friend’ has a bit of a dilemma...

Is it ok to shag an Aunt?"

Since when were we related ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Looking for helpful advice on best way to dispose of a body.....(best friend's arsehole husband!!!!)

Under the patio?

Patios are always a good shout.

Mine is in dire need of some work so an obvious choice of disposal site.

Just don't be letting her go all practical magic on me and leaving me with a tequila drinking Latino ghost prick and a garden full of toads.

Also, bring a few pot plants, I'm a fan of the bottle bottlebrush (I think that's what it's called) and fuchsias. Fuck me I love em."

Thank you Wise One

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Dear Auntie P

My ‘friend’ has a bit of a dilemma...

Is it ok to shag an Aunt?"

That depends which one.

One that you'd need to exhume first and I'll suggest you might not want to be doing that. By the time you've finally got the lid off you'll probably be too knackered anyway, and even if you did have a few thrusts in ya, you'll probably scratch your winky on a sharp bit of pubic bone.

If it's a short arse aunt who has a big mouth and goes by the name of _rincess peach tho, I not only say it's ok, I actively encourage and recommend it

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

"Aunty P

She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.

Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal.

No, that's why I like it.

*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.

This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.

The fact is if you hold in farts they will travel up through the spine to your brain and will give you shitty thoughts!

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Aunty P

She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.

Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal.

No, that's why I like it.

*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.

This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.

The fact is if you hold in farts they will travel up through the spine to your brain and will give you shitty thoughts!

Must explain why I'm such a smarty pants then, coz I let mine roam free

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