FabSwingers.com forum: Permission to be miserable

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yesterday I was feeling really low.

Understandable as the times we are going through at the moment with the pandemic are going to negatively effect us all in some way or another.

I was really down in the dumps.

I found myself sat at home alone while it was dark & pouring with rain. I felt unable to listen to any music or watch television as when I tried to do so it all seemed too cheery for my current mood.

I was wallowing in a fog of doom & gloom.

I knew this was unhealthy, but I couldn't shake the feeling.

I ended up sat in silence while my mind ran around in circles thinking about why I was feeling so glum. Not good! Especially when I do have so much to be thankful for!

I am normally a very positive cheerful happy person, & can snap myself out of negative moods pretty quickly by turning my attention to creative or productive endeavors, but all inspiration & desire to do that just evaded me yesterday.

It wasn't until I had a phone call with my partner that I began to feel better.

He may not have realised, but something he said was a refreshing way of looking at things.

When I have had low moments in the past, many times the advice others gave me was to "snap outta it"

"Focus on the good" and "be active get out & do something to take your mind off it!"

No-one has however given me this advice before... (I will condense the sentiment behind his words to be something like this) :-

It is O.K. to feel low at times.

It is also perfectly O.K. to not put pressure on yourself to snap out of it!

It is O.K. to just do nothing & to feel what you are feeling.

Right then he gave me a gift.

He gave me "permission" to be miserable!

This was freeing.

I didn't have to struggle to do anything.

There was no forcing myself to think happy thoughts.

I could just be miserable, but know that it was just a feeling, and feelings pass.

This was just one of life's moments.

And life is to be embraced with it's whole diversity of emotions, even the bad ones!

Without the dark moments the light ones would never shine quite as bright!

After a good night's sleep, I woke feeling much more my usual self.

Even my creativity returned allowing me to write this.

So a good lesson learned I feel.

We are human.

Life sometimes grinds us down.

When it does, cut yourself some slack & give yourself a gift.

You have permission to be miserable!

(even just for a little while!)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yesterday I was feeling really low.

Understandable as the times we are going through at the moment with the pandemic are going to negatively effect us all in some way or another.

I was really down in the dumps.

I found myself sat at home alone while it was dark & pouring with rain. I felt unable to listen to any music or watch television as when I tried to do so it all seemed too cheery for my current mood.

I was wallowing in a fog of doom & gloom.

I knew this was unhealthy, but I couldn't shake the feeling.

I ended up sat in silence while my mind ran around in circles thinking about why I was feeling so glum. Not good! Especially when I do have so much to be thankful for!

It wasn't until I had a phone call with my partner that I began to feel better.

He may not have realised, but something he said was a refreshing way of looking at things.

When I have had low moments in the past, many times the advice others gave me was to "snap outta it"

"Focus on the good" and "be active get out & do something to take your mind off it!"

No-one has however given me this advice before... (I will condense the sentiment behind his words to be something like this) :-

It is O.K. to feel low at times.

It is also perfectly O.K. to not put pressure on yourself to snap out of it!

It is O.K. to just do nothing & to feel what you are feeling.

Right then he gave me a gift.

He gave me "permission" to be miserable!

This was freeing.

I didn't have to struggle to do anything.

There was no forcing myself to think happy thoughts.

I could just be miserable, but know that it was just a feeling, and feelings pass.

This was just one of life's moments.

And life is to be embraced with it's whole diversity of emotions, even the bad ones!

Without the dark moments the light ones would never shine quite as bright!

After a good night's sleep, I woke feeling much more my usual self.

Even my creativity returned allowing me to write this.

So a good lesson learned I feel.

We are human.

Life sometimes grinds us down.

When it does, cut yourself some slack & give yourself a gift.

You have permission to be miserable!

(even just for a little while!)

"
permission granted x

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I'm so glad you wrote this.

It was briefly covered in another thread yesterday but from a different angle, without the permission granting bit.

Time is often what is needed.

We try to rush ourselves into feeling what we THINK we should be feeling or what we're being told we should be feeling.

This in turn makes us feel worse, makes us feel "wrong" for feeling blue or grumpy.

I think it often seems from our parents telling us to stop crying or they'll give us something to cry about instead of teaching us to accept, allow and process our emotions.

We begin to suppress them early on in life because we don't want to get in trouble with our caregivers, we don't want to be given that something that will REALLY make us cry. I mean, how hellacious must that be?!

And then, as adults we carry guilt for feeling shitty! How backwards is that? We feel bad..... for feeling sad.

That's just gonna loop the sadness.

We grow into adults that aren't armed with the tools to process our emotions, we may lash out because we simply know no other way and the worst bit - it's ourselves we lash out at!

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to give myself permission to feel how I feel, and to grant others that permission too. It's not up to me to dictate to someone else how they *should* be feeling, but to let them know it's ok, and it WILL pass.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

Spot on OP and Peach. For me bottling emotions up isn’t healthy, just give yourself time to ride out whatever you are feeling, find a way that works for you in dealing with them.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Fucking preach.

Is it healthy long term? No. Duh.

But pretending to be happy when you're not is corrosive. Your feelings are valid. They always were, but... this fucking year, man. Of course you get to be down. Depression, anxiety, trauma responses, and regular garden variety emotions do not just go away because you want them to.

Your feelings are valid.

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

This is awesome, OP, asi often feel this way (living alone can do that to you)

But that's a fresh perspective for which I thank you

And Peach, your parents had exactly the same approach as mine as I remember that warning too

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Spot on OP and Peach. For me bottling emotions up isn’t healthy, just give yourself time to ride out whatever you are feeling, find a way that works for you in dealing with them. "

Exactly! Feel like spending the day in bed eating ice cream? Permission fucking granted.

Of course if that day turns into 2, and those 2 days turn into weeks then action needs taking in the form of seeking help to process things.

But short term it really is not only allowed, but fucking recommended!

Be your own friend people.

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By *stroboy78Man
over a year ago

Abergavenny

He sounds like a social worker. Its perfectly ok to be sad and miserable, no of us should put unnecessary pressure on ourselves or others to cheer up given the current circumstances. We are all very different and quite often a simple call to someone who's feeling a bit low and the acknowledgement of that feeling is sometimes enough to help change the mood. Its ok to feel low

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a lovely read and in fact I felt this myself on Saturday when my hot water cylinder burst and my kitchen ceiling collapsed with all the water. I had every right to feel bloody miserable, sit in a chair with a drink and not move. I didn't even want to talk.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Spot on OP and Peach. For me bottling emotions up isn’t healthy, just give yourself time to ride out whatever you are feeling, find a way that works for you in dealing with them.

Exactly! Feel like spending the day in bed eating ice cream? Permission fucking granted.

Of course if that day turns into 2, and those 2 days turn into weeks then action needs taking in the form of seeking help to process things.

But short term it really is not only allowed, but fucking recommended!

Be your own friend people."

I'm not sure when I picked this up, I think it might be my own.

There are three strategies for dealing with depression.

Wallowing: ice cream, sleep, chocolate. Stuff that makes you feel good but might be counterproductive. You ease that pain.

Building yourself up: peripheral stuff that makes you feel good and might help but isn't directly on the problem. Hobbies, exercise, talking to friends. Build those endorphins, do good things. That can be enough.

Processing: actually dealing with your shit. Therapy etc. Hard fucking work, take on when stable and supported.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are not short of words Bella. Ever thought about writing a blog?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yesterday I was feeling really low.

Understandable as the times we are going through at the moment with the pandemic are going to negatively effect us all in some way or another.

I was really down in the dumps.

I found myself sat at home alone while it was dark & pouring with rain. I felt unable to listen to any music or watch television as when I tried to do so it all seemed too cheery for my current mood.

I was wallowing in a fog of doom & gloom.

I knew this was unhealthy, but I couldn't shake the feeling.

I ended up sat in silence while my mind ran around in circles thinking about why I was feeling so glum. Not good! Especially when I do have so much to be thankful for!

It wasn't until I had a phone call with my partner that I began to feel better.

He may not have realised, but something he said was a refreshing way of looking at things.

When I have had low moments in the past, many times the advice others gave me was to "snap outta it"

"Focus on the good" and "be active get out & do something to take your mind off it!"

No-one has however given me this advice before... (I will condense the sentiment behind his words to be something like this) :-

It is O.K. to feel low at times.

It is also perfectly O.K. to not put pressure on yourself to snap out of it!

It is O.K. to just do nothing & to feel what you are feeling.

Right then he gave me a gift.

He gave me "permission" to be miserable!

This was freeing.

I didn't have to struggle to do anything.

There was no forcing myself to think happy thoughts.

I could just be miserable, but know that it was just a feeling, and feelings pass.

This was just one of life's moments.

And life is to be embraced with it's whole diversity of emotions, even the bad ones!

Without the dark moments the light ones would never shine quite as bright!

After a good night's sleep, I woke feeling much more my usual self.

Even my creativity returned allowing me to write this.

So a good lesson learned I feel.

We are human.

Life sometimes grinds us down.

When it does, cut yourself some slack & give yourself a gift.

You have permission to be miserable!

(even just for a little while!)

Lovely post. How are you feeling today?

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"Spot on OP and Peach. For me bottling emotions up isn’t healthy, just give yourself time to ride out whatever you are feeling, find a way that works for you in dealing with them.

Exactly! Feel like spending the day in bed eating ice cream? Permission fucking granted.

Of course if that day turns into 2, and those 2 days turn into weeks then action needs taking in the form of seeking help to process things.

But short term it really is not only allowed, but fucking recommended!

Be your own friend people."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm so glad you wrote this.

It was briefly covered in another thread yesterday but from a different angle, without the permission granting bit.

Time is often what is needed.

We try to rush ourselves into feeling what we THINK we should be feeling or what we're being told we should be feeling.

This in turn makes us feel worse, makes us feel "wrong" for feeling blue or grumpy.

I think it often seems from our parents telling us to stop crying or they'll give us something to cry about instead of teaching us to accept, allow and process our emotions.

And then, as adults we carry guilt for feeling shitty! How backwards is that? We feel bad..... for feeling sad.

That's just gonna loop the sadness.

We grow into adults that aren't armed with the tools to process our emotions, we may lash out because we simply know no other way and the worst bit - it's ourselves we lash out at!

Thanks for the honest and emotionally open thread. It's given me a cathartic moment.

If my 12 year old nephew is crying because he doesn't want to do something that he is anxious about, like taking a flu jab because he has a morbid fear or pain, my natural instinct is to behave how my dad did with me, which was to make me feel ashamed of being afraid and worse, crying about it.

What should be the right way to behave to ease his anxiety and NOT make him feel guilt and shame for refusing and crying about it?

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I'm so glad you wrote this.

It was briefly covered in another thread yesterday but from a different angle, without the permission granting bit.

Time is often what is needed.

We try to rush ourselves into feeling what we THINK we should be feeling or what we're being told we should be feeling.

This in turn makes us feel worse, makes us feel "wrong" for feeling blue or grumpy.

I think it often seems from our parents telling us to stop crying or they'll give us something to cry about instead of teaching us to accept, allow and process our emotions.

And then, as adults we carry guilt for feeling shitty! How backwards is that? We feel bad..... for feeling sad.

That's just gonna loop the sadness.

We grow into adults that aren't armed with the tools to process our emotions, we may lash out because we simply know no other way and the worst bit - it's ourselves we lash out at!

Thanks for the honest and emotionally open thread. It's given me a cathartic moment.

What should be the right way to behave to ease his anxiety and NOT make him feel guilt and shame for refusing and crying about it?"

Ask him what you could do that might make him feel more at ease perhaps. Sometimes the answer is nothing, sometimes just accepting it and riding the storm is enough.

How many times as adults can we be telling someone something we're pissed off about, scared about or whatever. All we are doing is venting really, but then they come along and offer advice we didn’t want and you think "fucking hell, I wish I'd not said anything now, I only wanted someone to listen and acknowledge"

I don't know him so have no idea how he would respond best, but I can pretty much guarantee that by berating him it will make him lose faith and trust in you as someone to turn to who will understand, or at least try to. You won't be viewed as someone who's sympathetic or empathetic. You'll be another adult "who just doesn't understand"

There is so much help online these days, but ask yourself this question...

"If I was him, what kind of person would I have wanted, needed and trusted during these times?"

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By *ary Mary not so hairyWoman
over a year ago

Tamworth

If you are down fab isn't the best place far better to call real friends on the phone they will help without an agenda.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you feel better today OP. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Part of the human condition seems to be to try to escape what we see as negative emotions. But they are neither positive nor negative, they are simply feels based emotions. Inhabiting our emotions fully, witnessing them in their fullness is a way of integrating them into ourselves, instead of fighting them as if they are somehow invading us from outside.

Your partner’s advice, in my view, was excellent.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"If you are down fab isn't the best place far better to call real friends on the phone they will help without an agenda. "

I've found quite the opposite at times.

Not everyone here has an agenda.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To Princess Peach:

Thanks for the advice. What you said re my nephew is exactly how I don't want him to feel about yet another adult. My first instinct to behave with disappointment in him, etc. The usual emotions that my generation got from our dad.

I am aware of it and desperately want to correct it but it's hard to fight a lifetime of conditioning.

I'll have some apologising and explaining to do when I see him this weekend.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone who has commented on my thread.

I am now very glad I wrote this here, if it helps at least 1 other person then it will have been worth the time I took to write it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"This is awesome, OP, asi often feel this way (living alone can do that to you)

But that's a fresh perspective for which I thank you

And Peach, your parents had exactly the same approach as mine as I remember that warning too

It is a fresh perspective for me too! but it has worked.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You are not short of words Bella. Ever thought about writing a blog?

No I haven't. I do occasionally post writings on another Fetish site that shhh, we are forbidden to name on here, but those who know, will know!

but never actually considered a blog.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hope you feel better today OP. Xx"

Thank you! I do feel much better.

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By *mnipotent_BehemothMan
over a year ago

near Merry Hill shopping centre

I know this feeling, my work in the NHS is getting to breaking point again and although the first time around I was driven by caffeine and adrenaline, this time I just feel spent, tired and very grumpy.

Sometimes allowing yourself to be down is great but it’s hard when you have motivate a team under you in the day, and then you feel even more despondent once you turn the lights off and closes the doors, worse when you can’t even do that and work becomes 24/7.

Strange times

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"To Princess Peach:

I am aware of it and desperately want to correct it but it's hard to fight a lifetime of conditioning.

I'll have some apologising and explaining to do when I see him this weekend."

And you know something, I think he will appreciate that more than you will realise.

Open lines of communication are massively important as is working together. I lost all respect for my mum and have never regained it. I respect certain things she did, but I don't respect her as a person.

To me she was looking for the easy route, the "do as I say, not as I do" route. The shut that shit down and she doesn't have to deal with it or take responsibility route.

I was an embarrassment to her when I did stuff wrong, nothing was ever good enough and I was never gonna amount to anything.

I'm almost 43 and still trying to shake it at times. I still even now find myself self sabotaging when I fuck up, I'm almost berating myself for her and we barely speak!

I find myself wanting to be better, but not believing I can be.

It takes an awful lot of work to undo the damage done, and the earlier the better.

I'd definitely recommend looking at online tools that could help you.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To Princess Peach:

Thanks very much for your insight. I can relate to the damage done to you by the person in whom you should have received to most comfort and security from.

What you have said about your experience and being open about it, recognising it, is a step in the healing process. It's up to us to stop the cycle. My generation got the treatment that our father's generation endured back though the generations. I suspect your mother was the product of much the same treatment. Mental well-being was not a topic for open discussion without being ridiculed for it at that time.

I refuse to behave the same way with any child but it's easy to slip into old habits when I forget myself. The only thing I can do thereafter is to apologise and admit my fallibility.

I wish you all well.

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