FabSwingers.com forum: Why do most men not want to settle down?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

I’m talking real life guys. You can get talking to a guy and right from the off they say they’re not looking for a relationship. Like years ago you’d date someone and spend time with them and from there you’d both decide if anything is going to come from it but it seems more guys these days are just not open to anything. Even speaking to male friends.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scared of responsibility and commitment.

I dunno, I don’t know many men who don’t want to settle down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Scared of responsibility and commitment.

I dunno, I don’t know many men who don’t want to settle down"

Probably fairly accurate

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By *ebjonnsonMan
over a year ago

Maldon

Same applies to women. In my dating days on POF just a few years back, I met many women that were happy with their life - house, car, pet, grown kids etc, but just needed a man ‘occasionally’ for company. They weren’t avoiding ‘settling down’ but had no interest in committing to a full time relationship. Mind you, they didn’t like the idea of sharing either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the times are changing, settling down is no longer seen as the absolute necessity it was 50 odd years ago. Of course there’s still some pressure from society in general but I think the idea of ‘meet girl/boy, date girl/boy, get married, have kids’ is falling out of fashion. People have more freedom than ever to say ‘sorry, that life choice isn’t for me.’

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Not giving me much in the way of usable content.

Just want some reasons why guys prefer to remain single, like you’re all on a sex site as opposed to a dating site so between you all you should be able to come up with some reasons as to why you use this option as opposed to dating/relationships.

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By *arkus1812Man
over a year ago

Lifes departure lounge NN9 Northamptonshire East not West MidlandsMidlands

In my case it is Selfishness,

Something which in old age I am now coming to regret

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think the times are changing, settling down is no longer seen as the absolute necessity it was 50 odd years ago. Of course there’s still some pressure from society in general but I think the idea of ‘meet girl/boy, date girl/boy, get married, have kids’ is falling out of fashion. People have more freedom than ever to say ‘sorry, that life choice isn’t for me.’"

True, but why?

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

Divorce rate is high these days and men lose more financially and seldom get custody of the children. Maybe men are just becoming wiser.

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

Send them my way. Most men I meet want to marry, and I don't

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Fingers burnt before?

Financially independent so no need to nest?

The digital age now provides so many different opportunities for fun and dating without commitment.

Feel like missing out because on the face of it the bachelor types are having more fun.

And then the MGTOW types.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Scared of responsibility and commitment.

I dunno, I don’t know many men who don’t want to settle down"

This pretty much describes me to a t

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Fingers burnt before?

Financially independent so no need to nest?

The digital age now provides so many different opportunities for fun and dating without commitment.

Feel like missing out because on the face of it the bachelor types are having more fun.

And then the MGTOW types. "

Just had to google that acronym, now I’m gonna have to put a whole new chapter in to include this!

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

"Fingers burnt before?

Financially independent so no need to nest?

The digital age now provides so many different opportunities for fun and dating without commitment.

Feel like missing out because on the face of it the bachelor types are having more fun.

And then the MGTOW types.

Just had to google that acronym, now I’m gonna have to put a whole new chapter in to include this!"

Incel and MGTOW forums are disturbing rabbit holes.

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By *r FirecrackerMan
over a year ago

London

100% agree with this, times, society and attitudes are changing.

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

The way people meet each other has changed. In days gone by the only way was to meet somebody in a pub or nightclub.

With the growth of online dating apps it's become much easier to meet somebody but also much easier to meet somebody else, for a lot of people the grass always appears greener on the other side!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's science!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

I’ve never wanted a long term relationship, never thought marriage was a good idea.

I’m happy to enjoy shorter term relationships where either party can feel happy to say I think this has run its course and move on with no acrimony.

I can’t think of anything worse than being trapped in a relationship that isn’t working any more. And I’ve never wanted kids.

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By *affeine DuskMan
over a year ago

Caerphilly

The concept doesn't interest me, I guess.

Kinda like my life the way it is, couldn't imagine it differently at this point.

(Not a sweeping opinion, just my individual circumstance)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure that it's just guys that don't want to settle down. I'm sure there's many many reasons for people not wanting to settle down. Men don't have the same biological clock going against them either which may be a big factor.

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By *otmale5Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Probably the same reasons women don’t.. It’s all about life style choices. Well that covers one sentence in your book lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yep. I fully get the grass is greener mentality and also with all the available technology and apps and ways of speaking to people online it’s made people become more disposable.

But if people go around thinking we’ll i don’t want to settle cos there’s always gonna be something better they’re never gonna build something meaningful with anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In the modern world we live in (before covid) single life is hassle free and fun. All the holidays and travelling. Sex is easily found if wanted with all the apps and sites. When you get used to doing what you want when you want it can be hard to adjust to thinking of someone else’s needs and wants. Hope this helps a little.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"Same applies to women. In my dating days on POF just a few years back, I met many women that were happy with their life - house, car, pet, grown kids etc, but just needed a man ‘occasionally’ for company. They weren’t avoiding ‘settling down’ but had no interest in committing to a full time relationship. Mind you, they didn’t like the idea of sharing either."

Exactly this... Fear of sharing stuff they have acquired on their own. The fear that if / when it goes pear shaped they could lose some of "their" stuff. Superficial and easy wins over deeper and more effort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yes I agree and it's not just men - I feel the same way.

I don't think I'm alone in thinking that monogamy isn't realistic for most people - and the internet makes it easy for people to find the next sexual partner.

Lots of younger people don't want children or marriage and they are financially independent.

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By *ightkitty4uWoman
over a year ago

Epsom

I am yet to meet one who wants to settle, I find all the emotionally unavailable ones. Think I have a magnet on my head for them

Alas I annoys me when people ask why I have no kids... I had no intention of being a single parent and all the men I meet and dated weren’t suitable

Now, I’m happy doing my own thing, yes be nice to have someone to grow old with and go on adventures with

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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Copied from an article I read recently - from a woman's perspective, but could easily be from a man's too:

I always enjoy the start of a relationship.

It is exciting to spend time with someone new, to find out all about them and share intimate things with each other.

Men make more of an effort in the early days, as they are eager to please and excited by you and your body.

After the honeymoon phase, sex starts to feel like hard work.

Men change and their effort goes out of the window, though they still expect sex regularly.

Women get so fed up, they stop enjoying it and end up making excuses to avoid it.

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By *utecontradictionMan
over a year ago

Malvern

At a base level it's about hundreds of thousands of years of genetics and the natural world versus a few thousand years of man made situations such as relationships and marriage. When all is said and done people are animals and there are very few examples in the animal kingdom where a creature has a monogamous relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Copied from an article I read recently - from a woman's perspective, but could easily be from a man's too:

I always enjoy the start of a relationship.

It is exciting to spend time with someone new, to find out all about them and share intimate things with each other.

Men make more of an effort in the early days, as they are eager to please and excited by you and your body.

After the honeymoon phase, sex starts to feel like hard work.

Men change and their effort goes out of the window, though they still expect sex regularly.

Women get so fed up, they stop enjoying it and end up making excuses to avoid it."

true story

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

Maybe years of being told we're useless and that women don't need us like they used to us having an effect too

(sweeping generalisation terms I know, but look at a lot of modern TV advertising depicting nuclear families etc)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not giving me much in the way of usable content.

Once bitten twice shy. I spent ten years completely devoted to a woman who was cheating on me and using me as a cash cow. I only blame myself (for the record). It’s ruined me to be honest and my faith in people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

every case is different.

with me, i just dont know why.

i do enjoy being single and doing things when i want to etc. maybe selfish that maybe true.

but my problem is im a workaholic and driven. a lot of women cannot stand that and need a man to be there for them.

in the past i just havnt been that guy and it has cost me the love of women who did everything for me.

now ive started to slow down and stop rushing all over the place a part of me would like something more permanent but the other part says its a risk and if goes tits up you'll be worse of and back to square one.

maybe someone could change that. i dunno

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Divorce rate is high these days and men lose more financially and seldom get custody of the children. Maybe men are just becoming wiser."

^^^^ This ^^^^ I Agree 100%. I have a few married platonic male friends and they're in unhappy marriages. They have said as soon as Wifey got the big day out and the ring she let herself go

and also sex is non-existent. So many sexless marriages out there. So lads wise up for sure

I never married, never felt the need to. To me it's just a legal document. Don't get me wrong it wasn't for the lack of proposals, I've had 5

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Hi op

Have you watched married at first sight?

Its interesting to hear that they get married blind. Then go and cheat. As some of the men have had a history of cheating.

Women cheat on the programme. Yet they claim they had enough of whatever there single life is.

Both men and women go the whole course just for cameras. Off camera it's different.

I remember meeting a guy from here. He told me that he would never marry again. He went and got married.

I've heard many here have gotten together and some have married.

I think it does happen on here.

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

"Divorce rate is high these days and men lose more financially and seldom get custody of the children. Maybe men are just becoming wiser.

^^^^ This ^^^^ I Agree 100%. I have a few married platonic male friends and they're in unhappy marriages. They have said as soon as Wifey got the big day out and the ring she let herself go

and also sex is non-existent. So many sexless marriages out there. So lads wise up for sure

I never married, never felt the need to. To me it's just a legal document. Don't get me wrong it wasn't for the lack of proposals, I've had 5

I've had 5 in 13 years, but I think those were more financially motivated because of age. Like someone said earlier, men who haven't come out well financially from marriage, wanting someone to look after them in old age etc.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?"

No. Like I said in the opening post, I’m talking about real life guys, guys from the real world not here. I wouldn’t expect a man from this site to be looking for a relationship but it seems guys from all walks of life all have the same mentality of not wanting to settle down.

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By *HaRiFMan
over a year ago

Beyond the shadows.

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

I'm a fickle person and I get bored easily it would really be fair on the other person or me.

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

[Removed by poster at 07/10/20 10:02:06]

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

Three of my offers to settle down were from the real world.

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

Okay, understood. How do you meet these ‘real life guys’, out of interest?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

problem is guys gets blamed for everything. look how single guys get treated on here surely they must think 'fuck it' and not bother, and why would you?

a lot of women these days are narcissistic and that makes guys walk away if anything.

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By *man79Man
over a year ago

newry dundalk. warrenpoint

I was settled down for 20 years. This is my second chance at life and I’m enjoying every minute of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yep. I fully get the grass is greener mentality and also with all the available technology and apps and ways of speaking to people online it’s made people become more disposable.

But if people go around thinking we’ll i don’t want to settle cos there’s always gonna be something better they’re never gonna build something meaningful with anyone. "

Do you think your question is based on some assumptions that don't stand up to scrutiny, and causing you to frame all this in a negative light?

Many people (men and women, though yes I know more women that are unhappily single than men) ARE settled - they're just not settled into a traditional lifestyle. They have work and relationships and roots and family - they just haven't taken the path of becoming exclusive and monogamous with one person with a plan to stay that way for the rest of their lives.

This does cause problems for society - many people are unhappily single, whereas in previous generations there would have been clear roles and obligations that coerced people together - but those problems aren't worse than the problems we had before (people unhappily married, mainly) and anyway, individuals shouldn't be expected to "feed the system" with their lives.

If you believe that then the grass isn't "always greener" (though that does happen), but people accept that relationships aren't made up of static jigsaw pieces - individuals change, and as they change they may find they no longer fit. People aren't disposable, they're just on their own journey - and you might bump into them again, or not.

You don't need to settle down forever to build something meaningful - as many single parents can attest to. Indeed, it's easier to imagine building many meaningful things with many partners over a lifetime. As a married father myself, I wouldn't consider the meaningful things we built in our relationship to be "lost" if we ever broke up (though many people seek to destroy them and dispose of them at the end of a relationship, like the only options are bliss forever or scorched earth). Many people split up and keep the happiness, support, strength and meaning from those relationships long after they've stopped considering each other romantic partners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(May I suggest instead that the main problem we have, as a society, is that it's hard to be single - especially a single woman, and ESPECIALLY a single mother - financially. Look at places like Iceland, as a counterpoint and where relationships aren't necessarily expected to last. This may explain the disparity between men/women looking to "settle down" better - Men generally are expected to focus more on their careers, and are left with less responsibility, when relationships end)

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

To be honest I think there's always been people who marriage and children didn't suit but it just used to be less of an option not to in the past. So lots of people went through with it and just ended up being a terrible spouse/parent as it wasn't really what they wanted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's the times that we are living in

My mam and Dad where married almost sixty years,back then they stuck it out,divorce is way to easy these days,I know because I've been there did it twice,first time married 4 years, second 22 which I thought was for life

Settling down with someone just doesn't have the same meaning anymore

I personally would love to meet,fall in love and settle down ,but I'm a firm believer in fate ,and if it's meant to happen it will

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

Okay, understood. How do you meet these ‘real life guys’, out of interest?"

I don’t really meet many guys from the real world. I’ve been on here for almost 10 years and was expecting to find something meaningful. My last experience with a guy was a guy who had come to my home a few months back to do work (we were already acquaintances and Facebook friends) but after he came here he was messaging me quite intensely dating he was falling for me and all kinds of bullshit whilst stating that he has no wish to have a relationship as he’s wasted years of his life with unsuitable women and doesn’t want to do it anymore. Also my girl friends meet guys in all kinds of situations, in the gym, Facebook, dating sites, guys they’ve met in a bar, guys they meet through work, the running theme is that guys state from the off they’re not looking for a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

She gets a ring and marriage all of a sudden, the sex is non existent, she lets herself go, and also if she feels like “discovering herself” she divorced you and takes half your stuff

Why would any man in this day and age get married??

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By *attM73Man
over a year ago

Oldham

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

"
Relationships become boring and stale that’s my experience anyway, so why do it again

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Just based on my own experience of a divorce and bitter acrimonious family court hearings, "The fucking you get ain't worth the fucking you get"

I think Women lose more when they marry, whereas men lose more when they unmarry.

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

From what I’ve been told by male friends. Past bad experiences with women are making them not interested in a future relationship. It’s all the woman’s fault things went wrong, lack of sex, financial issues and they want to do what they want and with whom. This is the norm with most men over 50.

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

She gets a ring and marriage all of a sudden, the sex is non existent, she lets herself go, and also if she feels like “discovering herself” she divorced you and takes half your stuff

Why would any man in this day and age get married??"

It’s all ‘her’ fault then? Good contribution that!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ll write this separately so it stands out more but both myself and many of female friends have said that they start talking to a guy and right at the start, before even meeting each other in the flesh (if it’s an online thing) or if they’ve met once in real life and exchange numbers, guys say right at the start, they’re not looking for a relationship.

Instantly then as the woman they’re saying it to you’re kind of forced into saying oh that fine neither am I, which turns into some assumption that you’re happy to have casual sex with no commitment. Or you have to say well actually I am looking for a relationship, but right at the start how are you supposed to even know you would want a relationship with that person?

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fear of commitment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alot of men have been heartbroken in the past and are scared of history repeating itself. It's kind of an ego thing as you know men don't like to cry/express their sad emotions so those 1 or 2 flashbacks of when they couldn't help can be almost traumatic. Lol

However I can only speak for my generation.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I honestly don't know. We've been together almost 17yrs, married for 11. We got together at sixth form, so we've been together for our entire adult lives and are very happy

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By *ionelhutzMan
over a year ago

liverpool

I must be in the minority.

The one thing I want is someone to settle down with and be happy.

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By *uvhandle20Man
over a year ago

SE London

"Scared of responsibility and commitment.

I dunno, I don’t know many men who don’t want to settle down"

Pretty accurate. In some case (like in mine) some men had been in a close relationship that broke up. Now we don't want to repeat the experience of being under tight control or the experience of a break-up again, so we try to avoid it.

But it doesn't help, sooner or later we will come back and looking for love

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By *DGF20Man
over a year ago

Dublin

So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"I’ll write this separately so it stands out more but both myself and many of female friends have said that they start talking to a guy and right at the start, before even meeting each other in the flesh (if it’s an online thing) or if they’ve met once in real life and exchange numbers, guys say right at the start, they’re not looking for a relationship.

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious. "

For the sake of fairness, if someone is ultimately looking for a relationship and not looking for casual sex and meets someone that says from the get go that they aren't looking for a relationship then surely the sensible thing to do is not pursue anything more than friendship with that person?

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

Maybe they think they can win them over?

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious. "

You may want to include a chapter on the effect of Online Dating. The name of the game for the last 15 years is show how little you care.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Like I said in the opening post, I’m talking about real life guys, guys from the real world not here. I wouldn’t expect a man from this site to be looking for a relationship but it seems guys from all walks of life all have the same mentality of not wanting to settle down. "

This is a huge generalisation and you're obviously projecting.

As a man I feel quite offended by your blanket assertions.

And just for the record, fab is really life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

She gets a ring and marriage all of a sudden, the sex is non existent, she lets herself go, and also if she feels like “discovering herself” she divorced you and takes half your stuff

Why would any man in this day and age get married??"

Oh and men don't let's themselves go once they are married

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By *ooking4othersMan
over a year ago

Here ...

It's the Panda effect for men ... they just want to eat shoots and leaves.

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By *affeine DuskMan
over a year ago

Caerphilly

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

She gets a ring and marriage all of a sudden, the sex is non existent, she lets herself go, and also if she feels like “discovering herself” she divorced you and takes half your stuff

Why would any man in this day and age get married??

Oh and men don't let's themselves go once they are married

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

Isn’t this more likely to be a reflection on the guys you are meeting through a sex site, rather than guys in general?

Okay, understood. How do you meet these ‘real life guys’, out of interest?

I think the issue is that essentially no-one wants to settle down, until they meet someone who feels special enough to them for them to want to settle down with.

And in l the situations you describe, the meetings are going to begin as casual. The problem is in all those scenarios of the first thing you are telling people is you want to settle down, many people would run a mile.

So really I don’t think it’s anything exceptional or related to the times we live in - since forever people have wanted to be free and single until they find someone who makes them not want it anymore.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

Maybe they think they can win them over? "

Maybe but you can't really complain when someone tells you from the get go what they do and don't want then you pursue them anyway despite it not being compatible with what you want and then they don't change their minds. You're kind of setting yourself up for dissapointment from the beginning.

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By *J2020Man
over a year ago

somewhere

This is my personal take , was in a relationship for nearly 20 years , in that time I was betrayed twice , yes I was the fool , shouldn’t of been more than once .

I live in the hope of being able to make it work , I realised it wasn’t me , just the way she was , had a child before it happened the first time . Sadly I left with the big fat 0 as I was foolish not to protect myself financially and was duped in that the family home I invested in wasn’t “ours” after all . Properly stitched up .

So yes , trust is a big thing and after seeing how they could make someone else feel so special yet abandon the one they supposedly loved so much makes you question others motives .

If the right one was to come along and it was clear it was a mutual relationship based on honesty and being an adult then who knows . But after being deceived , lied to and cleared out . It would make anyone wise very careful .

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By *attM73Man
over a year ago

Oldham

"I’ve never wanted a long term relationship, never thought marriage was a good idea.

I’m happy to enjoy shorter term relationships where either party can feel happy to say I think this has run its course and move on with no acrimony.

I can’t think of anything worse than being trapped in a relationship that isn’t working any more. And I’ve never wanted kids. "
Agreed mate

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down? "

I was in a relationship from age 17 with the father of my child and we split up when I was 26. I had a few years of enjoying single life and adjusting to being a single parent. All areas of my life are fine other than the fact I’m very single. I’m part of the army of women who want to settle down again but just keep meeting emotionally unavailable men. It’s not just me either I have friends in many different situations. Childless friends who are stunning and have good jobs. I’ll use one of my very close friends as an example, she’s 31, doesn’t have children owns her own home, drives a Range Rover, is a pt and fitness instructor so her body is insane. She also works in a bar, she meets many different guys and she too is struggling to find a relationship. She was married for 3 years and with him 9 years prior to that and she can’t believe how different the dating game is now compared to back when she met her ex husband.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off

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By *partacus2024Man
over a year ago

Near You

INSANITY

Doing the same thing

over and over again

and expecting

different results

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious. "

I remember dating when women didn't want clingy guys and it felt like a tightrope I had to walk to show I was interested but not "too keen" which might put her off. I think around that time I started to reply with "I'm just looking to go with the flow and see what happens" rather than "I'm looking for a girlfriend that I can go steady with and I know we've just met but I'm hoping its you". As I got older I'd say "I'm looking to date and find a connection with someone and see if we can take it further", whereas now I know I have commitment issues amongst others so its "im happily single".

I'd say some guys are using the no commitment thing wittingly as a get of out of jail free card, but most probably aren't. Its probably more the case that they start something that they then can't finish and it becomes an obvious line they can cling on to and repel away and back into single life.

I think you should stick to your guns and not say "neither am I" looking for a relationship, or right there and then dive into a conversation and ask exactly what it is they do want. But then you run the risk of "scaring them off" by asking such a heavy question so early on. Dating is still a bloody tightrope to be honest lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From my own personal point of view and experience...

I've had a number of disastrous relationships. With some heavy breakups. I don't think anyone should have to go through that, and I don't want to again. Attitudes to dating have changed, and people seem to be able to just fob a partner off via cheating or a "Lifestyle change" way too easily. As opposed to putting a bit of effort or sacrifice into what they already have.

Now granted, I do actually hope to one day find THE ONE and settle down. But she has to be someone with an old fashioned way of thinking. And also accept that I 100% don't want kids. This is where I find myself, with a FWB who also doesn't trust men and just wants a bit of fun once in a while. Until she too meets the one.

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

I think most blokes would like to find the right one and settle down. Deep down most of us want the one person to come home to and be happy with.but as with women,the hearts a fragile thing. Once broken the walls go up

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I'm not too sure if it's the type of men you and your friend are interested in (not an aesthetic sort of type, more personality) but the friends/men I know are looking to settle down or have already done so. I do think that people, not just men, are more open to exploring less than traditional monogamous relationships and don't want to settle because it's what's expected. My fiance has never been married or engaged before and he spent a good twenty years or so no not wanting to settle down with anyone. And then he met me and it just worked for him.

So maybe you're not the right fit for these men and they're not for you - when the right one comes along the lack of wanting to settle down won't be an issue.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off "

Just using her as an example. I have many single female friends and acquaintances and they can’t all have shit personalities, can’t all be meeting emotionally unavailable men. Society has changed and most men these days simply don’t want to commit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you just say that most men want to settle down? Years ago when I was looking for a relationship the amount of women that would message me back and say that there is a lot of guys that do not want to settle down they just want to get their willy wet as much as they can

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

It’s hard isn’t it cos like you say if you say to them well I’m looking for something more solid they’re gonna get scared off straight away and they might not even be someone you want a relationship with anyway cos how can you tell straight from the off!?

Could you say something like I’m not looking for a relationship either but I’m not completely closed off to the idea. Nah, even that sounds too heavy.

This saying they’re not looking for anything serious or wanting to stay single is a clause they can use for when they want to make a quick exit without feeling guilt. They want the sex and closeness for however long suits them. They can emotionally invest and give you their time when it suits them and that makes the other person think bonds are forming and then they can pull the rug and say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Did you just say that most men want to settle down? Years ago when I was looking for a relationship the amount of women that would message me back and say that there is a lot of guys that do not want to settle down they just want to get their willy wet as much as they can

Umm no. The whole theme of this thread is about guys not wanting to commit or settle down.

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By *DGF20Man
over a year ago

Dublin

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off "

Well she has her personal reasons and we are not here to judge her... Anyway i wish you all the best in the future

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Again I put my foot in it again I'm stupidly not looking at the thread properly I do apologise there are a number of certain guys that do wanna settle down but unfortunately because a lot of other guys do not want to settle down a lot of women class every guy has the same back on the day when I was on dating sites I wanted to settle down and hopefully start something with someone but unfortunately there are websites out there like this where a lot of guys just want to get their willy wet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

TL;DR: Society has created more freedom and acceptance to live the way you want. This might be starting to shift though.

Societal norms have shifted. Going back to the '50s it was all about the nuclear family.

Someone's path in life (for middle and working class) was seen as school,work (except for women),marriage,retirement. You wouldn't leave your parent's home and buy somewhere of your own until you got married.

The 'upper' class would've had the means to seek different options of living and more freedom to experiment (I will generalise and say that most bohemians/artists would've come from the upper echelons of society). But they would also have been vilified, at the time, as 'degenerate'.

Since the '60s the freedom to seek other ways of living has filtered down through the other classes of society. Since the '80s people have been encouraged to own property as soon as possible. The knock own effects of that is people are expected to leave the 'family' home as soon as possible and live in their own property thus creating a society of singletons.

Then the web/social media/dating apps happened thus giving singletons more options to stay single but still date/find sex/have a social life and opened up a wider pool of people to pick from. Advertising/media has also encouraged the 'grass is greener' attitude.

So now there is more choice and freedom to live the life you want or think you want. And I don't think this is just exclusive to men either.

But now this widening of society could be looking at a contraction as the reports of an epidemic of loneliness, people not being able to afford property, not leaving the family home (or moving back in), COVID and being more 'green' all have an impact on society.

From my own point of view I have never wanted to get married (just never interested me - I like space, my own time and can get bored quickly) and I only had one girlfriend who I could've seen myself 'settling down' with (but I walked away for various reasons). Now I am settled and have responsibility and commitments but not in the 'married/long term relationship (LTR)' sense.

I do not have the inclination, energy or 'space' for a 'traditional' LTR but would be open for something non-traditional where each other's focus is not solely on each other and you both have your own lives but you have an added 'relationship' part to your life (more than a FWB/FB but less than a 'traditional' LTR) - not poly but not neccessarily exclusive sex wise either.

Or, as many people tell me, I've just never met the 'right' person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So maybe you're not the right fit for these men and they're not for you - when the right one comes along the lack of wanting to settle down won't be an issue. "

That's what I keep being told - just not met the 'right' one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I want to move across the ocean so long term relationship wouldn't work.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Umm no. The whole theme of this thread is about guys not wanting to commit or settle down. "

And do you think this is specific to men?

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By *stbury DavenportMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Fab *is* real life.

I can't speak for anyone else, but "settling down" sounds like a nightmare to me. Monogamy feels like a terrible punishment, and a genuinely disturbing way to demonstrate "affection" for someone.

I also dislike it when people characterise considered and logical aversion to something unpleasant as "fear", like they're trying to dare you into doing something deleterious by calling you a coward. Ugh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off

Easier to blame men then deal with issues

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ah there’s a plethora of reasons that apply to different men with different likes, dislikes and experiences in life. If you’re talking about a specific person then you’d really have to drill down with them. If you want to go deep then it may be something to do with how that person has dealt with rejection in the past. Or have they seen their mates/family go through some stuff that makes them think “nah, not for me.” Alternatively it come be that they’ve been there done that and want the freedom or yes, they just don’t like the idea of it the commitment, it might sound like too much for them. The list is virtually endless. Your book sounds interesting OP, let us know how you get on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I know fab is real life and real people. I just use real life as a way to describe people we meet in our everyday lives and not people who are on a website that is mainly dedicated to sex, therefore the people on here are generally looking for ‘just sex’. It would be unwise to expect a man from here to want a monogamous committed relationship, not impossible just you’re more likely to find someone who wants to date/have a relationship, in other scenarios so I use real life to describe all things away from this site. Yeah?

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By *attM73Man
over a year ago

Oldham

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

"
I think why us guys don’t want to settle down, is because you ladies make it hard for us “real guys” to be ourselves! I mean if we don’t have a certain look/ Body shape, then you ladies don’t want to know, if we’ve got a belly or like a beer that’s “real guys” for you. I mean this site alone is very anti- single men! I’d love to meet someone off here and see what happens and not just about sex either!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP are you familiar with the phrase " under the thumb " ?

Well young males who settle down are often teased and mocked for fully committing, by their mates these days.

To be young and loved up makes you vulnerable and basically not in control. Being in control of your emotions is important as nobody wants to get hurt.

So I believe many young males use a defense mechanism so they can still be a bit of a lad to their mates. Also it means they don't necessarily have to be exclusive and can still mingle.

Older males can be very bitter about past experiences it really is as simple as that.

Dating is a bit like a game of poker these days it's not wise to show your hand too quickly.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off

Easier to blame men then deal with issues

Okay so all single women have issues then and it’s nothing to do with the fact that society has changed and made most men not want to have monogamous relationships anymore? Despite everyone on this thread agreeing that things have changed you believe it’s because the women have issues. Okay. Thanks for your input.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know fab is real life and real people. I just use real life as a way to describe people we meet in our everyday lives and not people who are on a website that is mainly dedicated to sex, therefore the people on here are generally looking for ‘just sex’. It would be unwise to expect a man from here to want a monogamous committed relationship, not impossible just you’re more likely to find someone who wants to date/have a relationship, in other scenarios so I use real life to describe all things away from this site. Yeah? "

Absolutely, personally I’m looking for fun but remain open minded as remaining rigid would mean possibly missing out on something spectacular.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So you are 37 years old, did u settle down?

Maybe her personality puts guys off

Easier to blame men then deal with issues

How is it blame? It’s more of an observation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Okay so all single women have issues then and it’s nothing to do with the fact that society has changed and made most men not want to have monogamous relationships anymore? Despite everyone on this thread agreeing that things have changed you believe it’s because the women have issues. Okay. Thanks for your input. "

Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys."

But if many of her friends are all having the same sort of “issue” what else could it be?

I’m not seeking a relationship, but I have definitely come across the kind of guy she’s mentioning several times. Even when I haven’t even hinted at a “relationship”.

I can see where she’s coming from.

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By *onty1971Man
over a year ago

London St Helier Trier

My BFF is in the above situation too no available men that emotionally want to settle down.

We discussed it. One is single settles into own grove and like the way things are at home. But still having some fun is nice. How about having fun with one regularly but I can still go back to my place. Ok add to that the odd holiday. Oh yeah I got cancer can you look after me but still don't move in....

Happiness is now different.

Are we more selfish?

Are we more free?

Are we out of the cave / tribe unit and acting for oneself every day? Then switch back to the tribe (state) when things go wrong?

Freedom is now more highly rated than constricting relationships.

Perhaps as a research tool do a poll on survey Monkey with some questions and some free format text boxes for opinions and collect many responses....

Good luck with the book. I know how difficult that is. Just about to publish 1st book I edited.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys.

But if many of her friends are all having the same sort of “issue” what else could it be?

I’m not seeking a relationship, but I have definitely come across the kind of guy she’s mentioning several times. Even when I haven’t even hinted at a “relationship”.

I can see where she’s coming from.

It could be the type of guys she goes for, the kind that attract her. Not saying she’s looking for a guy who’s hard work but if we say (for arguments sake) that most guys that wear leather jackets like to play the field and not settle down, maybe she likes guys with leather jackets. That’s a poor example but maybe the guys she likes fall into a type of category. Now no one should settle especially if they’re looking long term but it will potentially become a massive feat to find someone that looks that part but doesn’t play that part if you get what I mean.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most guys do. Out of all my male friends only one is still single and not settled. He is happy that way. I wouldnt be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys.

But if many of her friends are all having the same sort of “issue” what else could it be?

I’m not seeking a relationship, but I have definitely come across the kind of guy she’s mentioning several times. Even when I haven’t even hinted at a “relationship”.

I can see where she’s coming from.

So, there are definitely "those kinds of guys" (and if you are a woman dating past, say, 30, you're probably more likely to bump into them). But that's a perspective, rather than the whole picture.

Most guys have stories of women that seem to try and "nudge" you into relationships, without ever explicitly calling them relationships, for example. And again, past a certain age, you're disproportionately likely to bump into them.

OP seems to have a very specific idea of what's going on that she wants to confirm, instead of consider all perspectives (and yes, others are too).

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys."

Because it’s only men that both myself and my friends are looking to date. Don’t have experience on the issues men have with women. That’s why I’m asking for you lot to say what problems, issues, fears or reasons you have.

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

More choices for all now seem mad rush to marriage for men and women, people have different priority like travel also fewer people are wanting kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally, I have no need for a wife or partner. All my needs are catered for satisfactorily one way or another. Unless I can find a woman who wants exactly what I want and when I want it I don't see the need to share what I have achieved on my own with anyone else. And I'm not looking

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Personally, I have no need for a wife or partner. All my needs are catered for satisfactorily one way or another. Unless I can find a woman who wants exactly what I want and when I want it I don't see the need to share what I have achieved on my own with anyone else. And I'm not looking

What is it exactly that you want? Also what would you have to share?

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By *pal2Man
over a year ago

cumbria

Previous bad experiences?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Quite a few people have said that they don’t want to share the things they’ve accumulated and use that as a reason not to settle down.

Another thing is the majority of single parents are women, a lot of men wouldn’t want to take on someone else’s child.

With regards to the above mentality, exactly how do you think women have coped thus far in their lives before they meet you? They already have jobs, already have cars, already have houses, already have their own appliances and furniture and clothes and perfumes and jewellery and fathers for their children. They’re not all waiting under a mushroom with their kid for a guy to come and rescue them and put a roof over their head.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is it exactly that you want? Also what would you have to share?"

Two short questions with two extremely long and difficult answers! At this time, I can only really give a cryptic answer. If I met a woman who liked the things I like, I probably wouldn't like her!

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By *ebjonnsonMan
over a year ago

Maldon

Possibly because all women are completely bonkers bordering on psycho’s?

Well, the ones that are prepared to meet me are!

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

"Possibly because all women are completely bonkers bordering on psycho’s?

Well, the ones that are prepared to meet me are! "

Like attracts like ?

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

So maybe you're not the right fit for these men and they're not for you - when the right one comes along the lack of wanting to settle down won't be an issue.

That's what I keep being told - just not met the 'right' one."

I mean right one as in right for you. You don't want a traditional relationship as above, well someone might come along that doesn't as well. Not that the 'right one' will suddenly make you want to lead a life of exclusive monogamy. Maybe in life there isn't a 'right one (or two or three)' for everyone but I'm a slight non traditional romantic who'd like to think there is.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What is it exactly that you want? Also what would you have to share?

Two short questions with two extremely long and difficult answers! At this time, I can only really give a cryptic answer. If I met a woman who liked the things I like, I probably wouldn't like her!"

I was told once by a previous meet that I won’t find a guy who wants a relationship with me if I keep sticking my tongue up a guys arse and wanting him to piss in my mouth. He said guys that will do those things with me will just want to shag me and not make me a girlfriend.

But that’s a whole other thread which I will do separately.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was told once by a previous meet that I won’t find a guy who wants a relationship with me if I keep sticking my tongue up a guys arse and wanting him to piss in my mouth. He said guys that will do those things with me will just want to shag me and not make me a girlfriend.

But that’s a whole other thread which I will do separately. "

This is male chauvinism, and is a great way to mark out men that you don't want to have a relationship with (unless you want to be kept as a trophy wife for occasional, vanilla sex while he goes and gets his from "dirty girls" behind your back).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's nothing to do with sex. Speaking from experience. We get to a point where we enjoy our own company, the things we do, our careers and free time. I certainly don't want to sign up to somewhere I can lose half my shit or settle with someone who has kids where I'll come second, but still need to give all my time up.

Nope, happy to be my own man not being slowly eroded into someone I'm not.most women at my age have got kids, a crazy ex and their sexual market place value is fucked or they are unhealthy and out of shape. I prefer just doing my own thing. That's why fab and clubs are so good

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By *pal2Man
over a year ago

cumbria

And bad previous experiences come over time. Its much easier to get into a relationship when you are younger as you dont have the preconceived ideas, bad experiences, baggage etc

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"It's nothing to do with sex. Speaking from experience. We get to a point where we enjoy our own company, the things we do, our careers and free time. I certainly don't want to sign up to somewhere I can lose half my shit or settle with someone who has kids where I'll come second, but still need to give all my time up.

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Quite a few people have said that they don’t want to share the things they’ve accumulated and use that as a reason not to settle down.

Another thing is the majority of single parents are women, a lot of men wouldn’t want to take on someone else’s child.

As I have younger children (7&11) the women I tend to interact with, will say ‘done that don’t want it again’ as they’ve often got older children or they’re adults now and see younger kids as pain to deal with.

Due to this I’ve given up, no longer worth trying to find that elusive relationship, happy enough bringing them up in collaboration with their Mother.

It is a shame as they do ask me, why daddy hasn’t got a new Mummy (as they have another Dad).

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By *pal2Man
over a year ago

cumbria

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

Correct me if im wrong but about £100 an hour?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is it exactly that you want? Also what would you have to share?

Two short questions with two extremely long and difficult answers! At this time, I can only really give a cryptic answer. If I met a woman who liked the things I like, I probably wouldn't like her!

But that’s a whole other thread which I will do separately. "

Are those two things "deal breakers" when it comes to choosing a partner? If so, I have a thousand of those things (not sexual necessarily) which lead me to believe that it's not even worth making the effort. Call me a misogynist if you will, but I think in general that women need a partner more than men do and that goes right back to the dawn of humanity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

SMV is just a loose term used by men to determine if a woman is worthy of settling down with or dating. Things like age, kids, baggage, crazy exes etc etc all 'lowers' that value. I'm sure women have their own ways of vetting guys, like money, stability etc. This is only my opinion. Nothing to do with age and looks, but all with what your getting.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"SMV is just a loose term used by men to determine if a woman is worthy of settling down with or dating. Things like age, kids, baggage, crazy exes etc etc all 'lowers' that value. I'm sure women have their own ways of vetting guys, like money, stability etc. This is only my opinion. Nothing to do with age and looks, but all with what your getting."

No it isn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/10/20 13:22:00]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it isn't."
???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it isn't. ???"

I have never heard a man use that phrase, or tot up a woman's "value".

Is this a MGTOW thing?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

No it isn't. ???

I have never heard a man use that phrase, or tot up a woman's "value".

Is this a MGTOW thing?"

Definitely not a new thing. I’ve been a single parent the last 10 years and I’ve heard many men on here and in the real world and men in the workplace and male friends all describe a woman with kids as low value or wouldn’t consider dating them as they have ‘baggage’.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Reading this I'm really glad I'm not on the dating scene

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

Is there a formula? How long does it take you to calculate? Ever made a mathematical error and realised a few years in and had to call it all off because you didn't carry the 1?

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By *essica FlabbitWoman
over a year ago

west midlands/shropshire

Sometimes I think they get into a habit... Habit of being single abs being on places like fab etc..

Other than that I have no idea lol

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

SMV? MGTOW?? wtf!?

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By *rivateparts!Man
over a year ago

Walking down the only road I've ever known!

Men don't like being backed into a corner, we loke to be the 1 to initiate the relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"SMV? MGTOW?? wtf!? "

Sexual market value and Men going their own way!

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By *stbury DavenportMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

"Sexual market value" is shorthand used by internet misogynists when they're busy reducing human relationships to a series of transactions. You know, because they consider women to be cattle rather than actual people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it isn't. ???

I have never heard a man use that phrase, or tot up a woman's "value".

Is this a MGTOW thing?"

It's a definite thing and probably a very well used term in those circles, but I don't subscribe to any movements. Just my opinion. Men that don't weigh up the value are the ones who get stuck with a women with kids, is fat and lazy, don't allow you to go to gym etc. Apart from sex, what else does someone like that have to offer?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""Sexual market value" is shorthand used by internet misogynists when they're busy reducing human relationships to a series of transactions. You know, because they consider women to be cattle rather than actual people.

It also incidentally serves as a handy way of spotting PUAs, MRAs, MGTOWs, incels and other assorted "manospherians" – all people that we (and especially women) should be going out of our way to avoid. "
call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Definitely not a new thing. I’ve been a single parent the last 10 years and I’ve heard many men on here and in the real world and men in the workplace and male friends all describe a woman with kids as low value or wouldn’t consider dating them as they have ‘baggage’. "

Definitely heard "baggage" used (by both men and women, and yes a common example is kids).

"Sexual Market Value" suggests a much deeper, ideologically-backed thought process. Reminds me of Red Pill and other groups hostile to women.

I've never heard men (e.g. at a bar or at work) discuss women as "low-value" - only on Reddit, or sometimes in Gamer communities (where there are lots of people that just hate women, frankly).

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

I have never, ever heard of attaching a "marketplace value" to men (I'm female) and if I thought a potential date or partner was using anything that suggested I was a commodity (marketplace) or had a price attached (value), then they'd never be getting anywhere near me.

Thank fuck I met and married a respectful man before the Internet dating era, a man who has never weighed up my value or placed me on an imaginary marketplace

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

No it isn't. ???

I have never heard a man use that phrase, or tot up a woman's "value".

Is this a MGTOW thing?

Love. Or is that not valuable any longer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Okay, yeh, I was right.

Don't get me wrong, people are gonna weigh up e.g. whether they want to enter a relationship with someone that already has kids. But that's more about what they want than what "value" the partner holds.

Most men don't think or talk like this.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

I think many younger men are fearful of interacting with women and there are probably many reasons for this. The expectation level of many younger women is far beyond that which most men feel they can achieve and oft tines that expectation is unrealistic.

I think men overall are withdrawing from society, I personally feel that times have changed and that men are struggling to adapt, a single, uncomplicated life is the path of least resistance and so often taken.

Again a thousand reasons for it but I won’t go into details for fear of being called a misogynist, the plain and simple truth is that for many (not all) 15 years of being battered with the “privileged” card, trying to live up to increasing unrealistic expectations and a move towards under representation in society to elevate representation of others in society has left men feeling undervalued and under supported.

Many men simply do not get involved in a relationship because a) they do not feel worthy and b) they will ultimately disappoint, leading to a self esteem shock which goes right back round to a) again

Just my thoughts, don’t hate me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich "

You seem like the kind of guy that should be on a list, mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

All guys say that they dont want to settle down UNTILL they do finally meet that one person they want to spend the rest of their life with.

I was one of those. Hated the concept of being tied down and marriage etc. Never used to believe there could be just 1 person for me...now I cant wait to be married to my girl

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

"SMV? MGTOW?? wtf!?

Sexual market value and Men going their own way!

Thanks! Market value?? Ffs this thread has given me a bad head!

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By *wosunloversCouple
over a year ago

Witney

It isn't all down to male shallowness. Divorce settlements haven't encouraged men to commit to a relationship, when the husband, even if he is "the wronged/abandoned party", can lose his home and - more importantly - contact with his children, as the Law often assumes that the mother is always the better carer, even when the children are deliberately alienated from the father. Add to such emotional and financial disasters men being regularly caricatured in the media as useless or violent, this does not add up to a great incentive for permanent commitment...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich

You seem like the kind of guy that should be on a list, mate."

Maybe so. We all have our choices.

Also an addition to that list, if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled. It's not any violence towards women if we have certain choices of who we date or not

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By *oachman 9CoolMan
over a year ago

derby

"Yep. I fully get the grass is greener mentality and also with all the available technology and apps and ways of speaking to people online it’s made people become more disposable.

But if people go around thinking we’ll i don’t want to settle cos there’s always gonna be something better they’re never gonna build something meaningful with anyone. "
In my case when ever meeting someone not once in over 40 years has there been any connection that could later develop into something stronger regardless of anything else now in later years I have a good Idea what I want and don,t want If earlier in life there had been a proper connection between both everything could have been different hopefully compatibility/shareing can come into that somewhere because I,m sure you need these things as well in a relationship, my parents stuck hard at their marriage nearly 56 years before my dad passed away but as I,ve all just mentioned you,ve got to have these at least before anything else then after that you work together you,ll perhaps have many ups in life and downs too but If you love/care enough for one another you,ll do your best for one another those principals I think are the right ones..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled."

"Pretending I was just a normal bloke didn't work. Oh well, might as well shill for the cause"

You fucking people.

you're like bad bond villains.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich

You seem like the kind of guy that should be on a list, mate.

Maybe so. We all have our choices.

Also an addition to that list, if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled. It's not any violence towards women if we have certain choices of who we date or not"

To use your own terminology, your sexual market value in my eyes is currently in negative equity. I repeat, thank fuck I'm married to who I'm married to. I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So maybe you're not the right fit for these men and they're not for you - when the right one comes along the lack of wanting to settle down won't be an issue.

That's what I keep being told - just not met the 'right' one.

I think when I get told I haven't met the 'right one' most people mean the one that I would want to settle down with and have a traditional LTR (or marriage).

But there are people who are married who don't live together (https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20150807-your-house-or-mine) and if I wanted something more 'permanent' or legal I would be inclined towards a civil partnership but doesn't mean I would want to 'live' with that person.

When people say they don't want to be 'tied down' they are thinking too much along 'traditional' lines rather than actually using a bit of imagination to how they would like something to work.

A relationship with someone is about negotiation. As you get to know someone there will be bumps and obstacles but it's how you deal with them and communicate between each other. I would be less inclined just to walk away when a problem arises. Both people need to give and take, compromise and listen. And, sometimes, it's the bumps and obstacles which can make it interesting in getting to know someone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich

You seem like the kind of guy that should be on a list, mate.

Maybe so. We all have our choices.

Also an addition to that list, if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled. It's not any violence towards women if we have certain choices of who we date or not

To use your own terminology, your sexual market value in my eyes is currently in negative equity. I repeat, thank fuck I'm married to who I'm married to. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. "

TBH, what you think of me does not matter one single bit. I'm having a good life.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"call us what you like. It's a matter of choice. You seem like the kind of guy that can make me a sandwich

You seem like the kind of guy that should be on a list, mate.

Maybe so. We all have our choices.

Also an addition to that list, if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled. It's not any violence towards women if we have certain choices of who we date or not

To use your own terminology, your sexual market value in my eyes is currently in negative equity. I repeat, thank fuck I'm married to who I'm married to. I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

TBH, what you think of me does not matter one single bit. I'm having a good life.

Jolly good. That's wonderful news.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

I think guys are willing to settle down towards 40s or Early 20s. Whatever happens between the early 20-40 seem to scare men and women to walk on the caution side of long term relationship. In fact might be more beneficial for men to settle down later because we live long now. Bear in mind guys are usually in a relationship where the woman is a few years younger or the same age.

A couple of "generalizing" unpopular opinions.

The role men play and women play in society is very blurry in the last 50 years.

Men don't like to be vulnerable, expressing their emotions for fear of appearing weak.

Women are a lot less feminine [50/50]

There used to be a lot more pressure from parent for women and men to get married.

Work-life is a lot more hectic for both men and women, which doesn't leave a place to be romantic.

Sex is more readily available without being in a relationship

Men have financial clock, women biology clock

What we value is different and can be difficult to meet in the middle with so much freedom and choice leading to decision paralysis.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship for most men, feeling accomplished, financially stable and usefulness.

Women value men based on utility and men valued women based on beauty which later becomes beauty and caring. If a guy feels useless in the relationship it is not going to last and if a woman does not feel sexy the same result.

Men look at women's past e.g. kids from another guy, sexual behaviour pattern and women look at men's future e.g. provider potential, of course, these are all done subconsciously.

Some people, men and women start a relationship with fear, lies and wound from past experiences. Judging the present moment with a victim mentality.

Expecting happiness from a relationship with can only lead to being hurt.

In relationships there are 2 halves, and you are only responsible for your half, people forget this. You are not responsible for the other half, many men and women indirectly want to control their partner and have lists of expectations which they might not meet.

Based on my assumption, not experience just spilling ideas for the book.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could you explain what a woman's "sexual market place value" is please?

And is it only women for whom physical appearance might change over time, or are men immune to the ageing process and the slow droop of time?

Correct me if im wrong but about £100 an hour?

£130 for an hour near me

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

Me personally, I just love my space and freedom.

I've got to 40 years old without a wife, kids or a mortgage which has allowed me to put myself in a position where I only have to work two days a week and get to spend my five days off doing the things that interest me.

I'm not willing to give that freedom up now.

The only way I could see myself settling down is if I met someone on the same wavelength as me, but how could a relationship form with two people who love their own space?

I actually get stressed when there's someone around me all the time

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By *orkshireBeef26Man
over a year ago

Kirkella

"Just doing some research (for my book) but it seems from my own experiences and that of my friends, guys these days have no interest in wanting to settle down.

So what are the main reasons that guys don’t want to settle down and want to remain single. Some examples from my guy mates is they don’t want drama.

I'd Love to settle down with you... Plus you like Gregg's steak bakes that's defo clinched it xxx

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"if a woman identifies as a feminist then it drops her value to a zero.

And yes, nothing wrong with being Red pilled.

"Pretending I was just a normal bloke didn't work. Oh well, might as well shill for the cause"

You fucking people.

you're like bad bond villains."

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I think to be honest, this is the same for both genders. Things have changed so much since my mother's generation. Where there was a more defined way of how life should be. You were supposed to get married then have kids for example. Now many women focus on different things such as establishing a career before thinking about having a child.

I personally believe that were in a period of time, where the old fashioned gender roles are being redefined. And this has made it more difficult for men and women to know when to settle. Should I go get my career, should I play the field more, should I go travel around the world for a year? Peer pressure to have a perfect life has blinded people a little. And essentially love is love and that is what we should focus on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only way I could see myself settling down is if I met someone on the same wavelength as me, but how could a relationship form with two people who love their own space?

I actually get stressed when there's someone around me all the time

But you can have a relationship between two people who love their own space. It doesn't mean you have to live together or be near each other. It depends how you would 'define' your relationship between the two of you. Would you be completely exclusive/monogamous? Would you be happy to have different sexual partners but not 'romantic' partners? Having a relationship where you don't live together and/or a long distance relationship probably requires more trust and 'commitment' than a more 'traditional' one.

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"I think guys are willing to settle down towards 40s or Early 20s. Whatever happens between the early 20-40 seem to scare men and women to walk on the caution side of long term relationship. In fact might be more beneficial for men to settle down later because we live long now. Bear in mind guys are usually in a relationship where the woman is a few years younger or the same age.

A couple of "generalizing" unpopular opinions.

The role men play and women play in society is very blurry in the last 50 years.

Men don't like to be vulnerable, expressing their emotions for fear of appearing weak.

Women are a lot less feminine [50/50]

There used to be a lot more pressure from parent for women and men to get married.

Work-life is a lot more hectic for both men and women, which doesn't leave a place to be romantic.

Sex is more readily available without being in a relationship

Men have financial clock, women biology clock

What we value is different and can be difficult to meet in the middle with so much freedom and choice leading to decision paralysis.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship for most men, feeling accomplished, financially stable and usefulness.

Men look at women's past e.g. kids from another guy, sexual behaviour pattern and women look at men's future e.g. provider potential, of course, these are all done subconsciously.

Some people, men and women start a relationship with fear, lies and wound from past experiences. Judging the present moment with a victim mentality.

Expecting happiness from a relationship with can only lead to being hurt.

Based on my assumption, not experience just spilling ideas for the book."

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

In my experience they're waiting for someone better/fantasy figure to come along.

Most of my male friends are single, childless and sad having missed the boat.

Younger guys still live at home with their parents and have little life experience...I guess.

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By *Jones19Man
over a year ago

Evesham, Worcester, Pershore

There's a generation of men coming through to the fore that are more independent. They are more than capable of surviving on their own and dont want to comprise on that. That same generation have potentially had relationships in early life where they are spending more time trying to please their other half than actually enjoy themselves, or seen friends or family get "trapped" in a relationship at a youngish age. Watched them have to pay out for divorces and/or a kid they arent allowed to see for more than a day a week or less.

Why have the negatives when you can find just the positives on an app, website or local drinking establishment? Logically, if the emotional connection isn't there, then there's little arguement for marriage. The only reason should be that special connection.

Maybe a look into why people want to nest for the sake of nesting will also help you here OP?

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

Maybe they think they can win them over?

Thing is... When you first meet someone, unless you have a crystal ball, how does anyone know if you want a 1st 2nd 3rd date or how it will unfold. And that's true of both sides of the relationship. Maybe different on here for those who enjoy stranger sex and one night stands but surely the excitement of a relationship is not knowing how the journey is going to go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boys not men

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

A couple of "generalizing" unpopular opinions.

The role men play and women play in society is very blurry in the last 50 years.

Men don't like to be vulnerable, expressing their emotions for fear of appearing weak.

Women are a lot less feminine [50/50]

There used to be a lot more pressure from parent for women and men to get married.

Work-life is a lot more hectic for both men and women, which doesn't leave a place to be romantic.

Sex is more readily available without being in a relationship

Men have financial clock, women biology clock

What we value is different and can be difficult to meet in the middle with so much freedom and choice leading to decision paralysis.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship for most men, feeling accomplished, financially stable and usefulness.

Men look at women's past e.g. kids from another guy, sexual behaviour pattern and women look at men's future e.g. provider potential, of course, these are all done subconsciously.

Some people, men and women start a relationship with fear, lies and wound from past experiences. Judging the present moment with a victim mentality.

Expecting happiness from a relationship with can only lead to being hurt.

Based on my assumption, not experience just spilling ideas for the book."

Some provocative thoughts... I'll add to them... Selfishness, unwillingness to compromise and empathise with partners, , divorce and the one sided nature of financial and visitation settlements, ease of getting divorced and the rabid nature of family law. Unrealistic expectations, distrust..

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By *heslimoneMan
over a year ago

Deeside

First off whilst most men you know may not want to settle down and i respect your experience, I'd say it's more like a sizeable group of men, there are still plenty of marriages and relationships which would suggest it is not most.

As for the reasons they are many and varied, some good, some bad and some just....reasons. A marriage is often a one sided affair from a man's perspective given that break ups occur far too easily and often and it's common for a guy(perhaps only their perception) to "lose" half the house, a chunk of income from child maintenance etc. This would not seem one sided or unjust if their was as much chance of the guy having custody of the kids and the financial situation reversed. That's a well known and argued over reason, personal opinion aside it is a generally accepted perception.

Some guys want only the perfect woman so won't settle for less than an aesthetic that suits them and no kids etc. I've seen it mentioned in places that a woman with kids is by some considered "damaged goods" (i do not agree with this so please don't point pitch forks at me!) and constitutes taking on a burden that belongs to another man.

Some guys are young and simply not ready to settle, it's possible to have kids at a much older age and guys just like many girls want to enjoy their freedom as long as possible.

Still others i think are scared and uncertain of their place in a relationship now as the traditional role of breadwinner and homemaker have been pushed aside, this is something i 100% agree with, every couple has to figure out what works best for them but it has left some feeling lost and lacking confidence, how can a man feel worthy to be a role model if he doesn't know his role?

As i say the reasons are many and varied justified or not. The real question is do you or should you treat any new man on the horizon as one of these regardless of experience or should you treat him with as much respect as he shows you and give him the chance to show you that respect? If we treat everyone based on our experience we will soon be living in a pretty shit world(if it's not bad enough as it is).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Boys not men "

This is a great example of how people try to nudge/bully men into relationships when they don't really want to.

It's no different from any other form of bullying, and it's (again) a great red flag to let you know that this person would probably be toxic in a relationship.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Its like guys are using that sentence as a get out of jail free card, if they end up using you got sec they can say well I did say I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

Maybe they think they can win them over?

If someone knows they ultimately want a relationship and meets someone who tells them from the get go that isn't something they want then why bother with any dates? You're obviously not compatible so move on and find someone for who a relationship is at least an option. No need for any crystal balls, these men are saying what is and isn't an option for them from the beginning. The issue is women ignoring what they're being told and quitely hoping they can still get what they want from the guy then being mad with the guy when they don't. Makes no sense to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Id so love to settle down...

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

If you want to know why some men don't want to settle down, then contrast it with why some men do want to.

I grew up thinking relationships should be a certain way. There was very little divorce in our family. It seemed the way things workdd was you meet somebody and get married. It was an ideal.

Now, one clusterfuck of a marriage later, I look back at my life before I got married and it was pretty damn good, and a lot better than my married life. The only good thing that came from my marriage was my children.

If anybody (man or woman) has a good life, why would they gamble that on a relationship that might not work out, especially if previous relationships have also ended badly? It takes a pretty special person to come along and make somebody want to take that chance. Society is putting less pressure on anybody to settle down these days.

I reckon the answer to your question in many cases is that men (and women to, but you aren't asking about them) look at their lives and think if it ain't broke don't fix it.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Boys not men "

Yeah let's cut this crap.

Men don't have to "settle down" if they don't want to.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Because they’ve not met the woman who wants to make them settle down. In my opinion.

I know shitloads of men who’ve played the field, shagged around, etc. And yet BAM, suddenly they meet a woman who changes thing for them. They get loved up, often give up their bad boy ways (If they had them) and turn into a completely different bloke.

Most recently it’s happened to a lad in work.

And it’s lovely to see.

I think men, like women, are reluctant to give their heart away again if they’ve been hurt. And yes some are selfish and prefer the single life.

But once that BAM moment happens, you have no say in things.

That’s my overly romanticised idea anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Divorce rate is high these days and men lose more financially and seldom get custody of the children. Maybe men are just becoming wiser.

^^^^ This ^^^^ I Agree 100%. I have a few married platonic male friends and they're in unhappy marriages. They have said as soon as Wifey got the big day out and the ring she let herself go

and also sex is non-existent. So many sexless marriages out there. So lads wise up for sure

I never married, never felt the need to. To me it's just a legal document. Don't get me wrong it wasn't for the lack of proposals, I've had 5

^^^^ Yes this too. At least you're wise to them

, Some women don't see the motive unfortunately to proposal, (needing a secure place to live & someone to look after them. Some are still `old school and expect everything to be done for them too).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe because by the time people get to their 30's/40's they've already had the chance to try 'settled down' and either didn't like it or have been hurt and have consequently built walls?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well you do seem to be framing it as mostly an issue with guys.

But if many of her friends are all having the same sort of “issue” what else could it be?

I’m not seeking a relationship, but I have definitely come across the kind of guy she’s mentioning several times. Even when I haven’t even hinted at a “relationship”.

I can see where she’s coming from.

So, there are definitely "those kinds of guys" (and if you are a woman dating past, say, 30, you're probably more likely to bump into them). But that's a perspective, rather than the whole picture.

OP seems to have a very specific idea of what's going on that she wants to confirm, instead of consider all perspectives (and yes, others are too)."

I’m 27 so not there yet, but I totally get what she’s saying, I’ve come across it too many times and I’m not seeking commitment.

I think when it’s happening so often and go all those around you, it does alter your perception.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To be honest I think there's always been people who marriage and children didn't suit but it just used to be less of an option not to in the past. So lots of people went through with it and just ended up being a terrible spouse/parent as it wasn't really what they wanted. "

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