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Paddy and mick strike again!

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Bic Lighter

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the

Irish shoreline when Bob 

Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had 

No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' 

Ralph replied with an Irish

Accent, and then reaching into his tackle 

Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 

  

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking 

The huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 

'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and 

Sure enough, out pops the Genie. 

Addressing the Genie,Bob says, 

'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master. 

Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks. 

The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving 

Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks. 

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of 

A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead. 

Over the roar of the million ducks 

Bob yells at Ralph, 

'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, 

not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 

'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing. 

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch bic ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and mick get new jobs on a building site.

Paddy is sent to the roof to help the crane un-load materials and mick is sent to the 6th floor to help install windows.

After half an hour, paddy goes flying past the window, falling to his death!

At the inquest, mick is on the stand:

"well your honor, i believe paddy died of V.D."

"Oh?" said the judge, "And why is that?"

"Well, your honor, as he was flyin past the window, i heard him shouting 'i'm a gonner ere'!!

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Mick says to paddy close your curtains the next time your shagging the wife, the whole st was watching and laughing at you yesterday. paddy says well the jokes on them the stupid bastards because i wasnt even home yesterday.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

PADDY WAS SHOWING OFF HIS NEW FLASK AT WORK, MICK SAID "WHAT DOES IT DO PADDY ?" "WELL APPARENTLY IT KEEPS HOT THINGS HOT, AND COLD THINGS COLD" "WHAT HAVE YA GOT IN THERE TODAY THEN PADDY ?" PADDY REPLIES "TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND A CHOC ICE !"

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By *enithWoman
over a year ago

closer than you think

Paddy and Murphy were walking through the forest and Paddy turns to Murphy and says "God I need a shit"

Murphy says "well go behind a tree". Paddy replied, "I don't have any toilet paper"

Murphy says "have you got a fiver on you?" Paddy replies "yes" .... "well use that" says Murphy

20 minutes pass and Paddy emerges covered in shit!!

"Beejeezus what happened to using the fiver you had?"

Paddy says "you trying using 3 pound coins and 4 50p pieces"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy says "I'm thinking of divorcing the wife... she hasnt spoken to me in 4 months" Mick replies "You best think it over very carefully Pat, women like that are hard to find"

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By *ishopstippleMan
over a year ago

Purley

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why are Irish jokes so simple????

So the english can understand them!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

anybody else find these Paddy jokes offensive??????

Paddy!

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By *uttyMan
over a year ago

Local to you maybe


"anybody else find these Paddy jokes offensive??????

Paddy!"

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By *ourbonKissMan
over a year ago

a land up north..... of leicester

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

3 Irishmen in a bar. Murphy says "My local's better than this. In my local, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free"

Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Paddy says, "That's nothin'. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW," says the other two. "Has that actually happened to you?". "No," says Paddy, "But it happened to my sister."

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Feel free to post if you have a funny one to add

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and Murphy the Ryan Air Pilots were in the cock pit and coming into land. Captain Paddy turns to co pilot Murphy and says "I Hate this airport, its a tough one to land" "I know" says Murphy "its a tough one to be sure"

So the start the decent..

"Lower landing gear, Murphy"

"Full Flaps"

The plane is shuddering and dropping fast

"WE ARE TOO FAST" Shouts Paddy

"Engines are on idle" Paddy replies "if we go slower we will crash"

They fight the plane as it tries to drop out of the sky and they finally plop onto the runway and come to a stop.

"Phew" says Paddy "That was close, this runway is so short"

"Yeah" replies Murphy looking out of the side windows "Its bloody wide though"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

paddy and Murphy are 2 Irish astronauts, they call a press conference to tell the world of there next adventure, We are going to fly to the Sun says paddy, a bemused reporter shouts dont be daft you will be burned alive, ah we have though of that says murphy, we are going to go at night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

How come it takes someone from Engurland to object......the paddys have a great sense of humour as do the jocks.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought."

In other words you don't have a sense of humour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy."
hahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought."

Oh my word, relax!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

In other words you don't have a sense of humour"

I don't think it's about not having a sense of humour, just that these sort of jokes weren;t overly funny 30 odd years ago. In the same way as Jim Davidson's Chalky character wasn;t funny either. I don;t get offended, just glad that my humour is slightly more refined than this level

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's nothing wrong with Irish jokes, because it gives the English something to laugh about for a change

Wolf

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

In other words you don't have a sense of humour

I don't think it's about not having a sense of humour, just that these sort of jokes weren;t overly funny 30 odd years ago. In the same way as Jim Davidson's Chalky character wasn;t funny either. I don;t get offended, just glad that my humour is slightly more refined than this level"

The thread title says it all, nobody is forcing you to read something that is not worthy of your "sophisticated tastes"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Incidentally my friend Patrick thinks these jokes are hilarious ( he is Jamaican)

Michael finds them funny too (he is Jewish)

Who mentioned anything about paddy and micks race?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

oh please, they are jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

In other words you don't have a sense of humour

I don't think it's about not having a sense of humour, just that these sort of jokes weren;t overly funny 30 odd years ago. In the same way as Jim Davidson's Chalky character wasn;t funny either. I don;t get offended, just glad that my humour is slightly more refined than this level"
Take a chill pill

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

In other words you don't have a sense of humour

I don't think it's about not having a sense of humour, just that these sort of jokes weren;t overly funny 30 odd years ago. In the same way as Jim Davidson's Chalky character wasn;t funny either. I don;t get offended, just glad that my humour is slightly more refined than this levelTake a chill pill"

go to Australia and listen to the 'whingin pom' jokes.. i dont get offended i just laugh at them...

why do people get so easily offended.....???

i am a little overweight and i get called 'slim' by some of the girls at work.

i dont get offended by it cos its a joke.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Incidentally my friend Patrick thinks these jokes are hilarious ( he is Jamaican)

Michael finds them funny too (he is Jewish)

Who mentioned anything about paddy and micks race?"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy & Murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was Emotions. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red-anger, green-envy, yellow-cowardice. They look shocked 2 c Paddy naked with his cock lodged in a pear & Murphy with his cock in a bowl of custard. When asked what they had come as Paddy says, 'Well l'm deep in dis-pear' & Murphy said 'And l'm fuckin dis-custard!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Excellent jokes

I'm English but don't lump me in with the killjoys pleaseeeeeee

Ta

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please don't be mistaken, I'm no kill-joy here. No judgement has been made, certainly not by me anyway.

Humour can very often also be a point of discussion, and we can measure ourselves (should we wish) by our reaction to, or use of humour.

A "pause for thought" is by no means a "judgement call".

So there was this spastic, a barren woman and her Norfolk cousin walk into a bar...

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

FFS.... pass me a razor blade.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London


"Please don't be mistaken, I'm no kill-joy here. No judgement has been made, certainly not by me anyway.

Humour can very often also be a point of discussion, and we can measure ourselves (should we wish) by our reaction to, or use of humour.

A "pause for thought" is by no means a "judgement call".

So there was this spastic, a barren woman and her Norfolk cousin walk into a bar...

"
Don't try to cover yourself by insulting others

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By *adja_lazloCouple
over a year ago

Solihull

tell sharon and tracy jokes then?

Fat slag jokes?

We Irish, laughed at a few of them, then got fed up up, and yes the Irish do have a sense of humour, we had the English rule for years and have to put up with that

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Let's face it, the Irish have got back at us Brits for skitting them all these years - they've given us Jedward

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill


"Let's face it, the Irish have got back at us Brits for skitting them all these years - they've given us Jedward

"

Now this thread has just lost it ....thats way out of order....f*****G Jedward

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a blonde woman walk into a bar. The barman goes "What is this... some kind of joke?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/07/12 17:57:30]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope I have posted my thoughts and decided that it is not really worth the effort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A black fellah, a Scotsman and an Arab all walk into a pub

What a beautiful example of cultural integration in modern Britain..........

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy goes into a florist and said, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

Mick the florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?" Paddy replies "A fuck"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good natured fun get a life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and mick are enjoying a walk in the country.

As they pass a small cemetry mick looks down and exclaims"jesus paddy this stone says the fella was 123 when he died."

"What was his name"says paddy.

Mick"miles to london".

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

PaddyGive me 3 packets of condoms please,"

cashier 'do you need a bag with that sir?"

Paddy 'Nah .... she's not that f.....g ugly!!

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Barman says to paddy ur glass is empty do u want another one paddy says why the fuck would i want two empty glasses

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

apart from being old and not funny i think these jokes are really offensive and cant believe thread hasnt been closed,so can i start telling black and jewish jokes now? wonder how long it be before im banned.

mr.c

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

Liza came home and found Rastus all dressed up in suit and dickie bow.

What you dressed up like that for Rastus?

Been to the doctor Lza and he says Im impotent.....and if doc says Im impotent then Im goin to dress impotent.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy caught his wife having an affair, so decided to kill her and himself.

He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife and says "Don't laugh, youre fucking next"!!:D

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By *irtydanMan
over a year ago

Blackpool


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

Oh my word, relax!!"
i agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

Oh my word, relax!! i agree "

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy & Murphy are in a pub when a woman starts choking on her food. As she starts to go blue in the face Paddy rushes over an goes behind her, whips her skirt up, pulls her knickers down & runs his tongue up and down between the cheeks of her arse! The horrified woman gasps & spits the food across the room. Murphy says, 'Well done Paddy. I've heard of the hind lick manouvre but that's the 1st time I've seen it done!!'

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy and his mates plan a camping trip, but the day before they go Paddy's wife tells him he's not going. Paddy's mates are disappointed but go anyway. When they arrive Paddy is there - sitting with a tent set up & bbq going. Mick asks: "Paddy, how did you persuade the wife to let you come?". Paddy: 'Well last night she came in wearing a see-through nightie, stockings and crotchless panties, then led me upstairs & handcuffed herself to the bed. Then she said: "Do whatever you want!". So here i am!'

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By *kmale421Man
over a year ago

wirral

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and

announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/07/12 14:57:48]

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London


"Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and

announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length"

It careful, it's supposed to be paddy and mick, you will get me in trouble with blonde jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Building site boss interviewing people for a job as a surveyor when along came Murphy.

The boss thought "I'm not hiring that thick Paddy"

So he set a test for Murphy hoping that he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

First question was "Without using numbers, represent the number 9"

"Dat's easy" said Murphy who proceeded to draw 3 trees.

Boss said "What the hell's that?"

Murphy replied "Tree 'n tree n tree makes nine"

"Fair enough says boss "Using the same rules, represent 99"

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says

Boss scratches his head and said "How on earth do you get that to represnt 99?"

Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree ' n dirty tree, dats 99"

Boss is quite worried now so he says "Right Murphy, Same rules again but represent the number 100"

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts "Got it!!" He made a little mark at the base of each tree and said "Dere ya go sir, 100."

Boss looks at Murphys attempt and thinks "HA!! Got you this time" Says "Murphy, you must be mad if you think that this represents 100"

Murphy leans forward & points to the marks at the tree bases and says "A little dog comes along and craps by eachtree, so now you have got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd which makes one hundred, when do I start the job??"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rupert, Jock and Paddy are chatting. Jock says "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car - she doesn't even drive!"

Rupert says "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy says "That's nothing. My wife's taken 30 condoms with her to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!!"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy said I'm not going bungee jumping! A broken rubber brought me into this world, I'm not letting one take me out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Cockneys were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store in London. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some wise arse idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Paddy walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad London accent asked

'Wot yer sellin' 'ere?

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Paddy said,

'Yer doin' well .... Only two left!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Excellent!!!

Check out sickipedia...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Rupert, Jock and Paddy are chatting. Jock says "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car - she doesn't even drive!"

Rupert says "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy says "That's nothing. My wife's taken 30 condoms with her to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!!""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One Londoner is walking along the Thames. He sees someone else on the other side. He calls over "Orite mate. How de fack am oi ment to get to de other soide?"

The other one looks back at him, puzzled "What de fack are you torkin' abaat? Your'e on de other soide."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One Londoner is walking along the Thames. He sees someone else on the other side. He calls over "Orite mate. How de fack am oi ment to get to de other soide?"

The other one looks back at him, puzzled "What de fack are you torkin' abaat? Your'e on de other soide."

"

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire


"apart from being old and not funny i think these jokes are really offensive and cant believe thread hasnt been closed,so can i start telling black and jewish jokes now? wonder how long it be before im banned.

mr.c"

Em's from dublin and finds them kinda funny, although not riotously so.

lighten up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some will find offensive some won't.

The title of the thread gives it away a bit but after reading one if it's not you taste stop reading. There just jokes. Lighten up and make your choice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Irish and heard them all before! gets boring after awhile! (YAWNS)

BILLY

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"PADDY WAS SHOWING OFF HIS NEW FLASK AT WORK, MICK SAID "WHAT DOES IT DO PADDY ?" "WELL APPARENTLY IT KEEPS HOT THINGS HOT, AND COLD THINGS COLD" "WHAT HAVE YA GOT IN THERE TODAY THEN PADDY ?" PADDY REPLIES "TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND A CHOC ICE !""

Priceless........

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By *ngel Devil69Couple
over a year ago

Manilva

PC Brigade?? That's why this country is so messed up.

What happened to free speech?

Jokes are just that, regardless of content. If you don't like them, don't read them.

As on the TV. If you don't like what's on, change over.

Some people need to get a life?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"PADDY WAS SHOWING OFF HIS NEW FLASK AT WORK, MICK SAID "WHAT DOES IT DO PADDY ?" "WELL APPARENTLY IT KEEPS HOT THINGS HOT, AND COLD THINGS COLD" "WHAT HAVE YA GOT IN THERE TODAY THEN PADDY ?" PADDY REPLIES "TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND A CHOC ICE !"

Priceless........

"
very good

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

tsk tsk tsk, this is the sort of thing that started of the irish war of independence

mind you half my family are irish and they have some belters up their sleeves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"PC Brigade?? That's why this country is so messed up.

What happened to free speech?

Jokes are just that, regardless of content. If you don't like them, don't read them.

As on the TV. If you don't like what's on, change over.

Some people need to get a life?"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy & Mick are walking down the street Paddy falls down a hole Mick shouts "Is it dark down there?"

Mick replies " Don't know can't see..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bearla a fuair tu do brains saus do asal

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy & Mick are rowing to America they get half way across th'Atlantic when Paddy says

"Mick I'm bored can we go home and do the other half tomorrow?"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

 

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" Paddy shouts.

To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".

Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy "what's Framks surname?"

Mick. "frank who?"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Bloke come in the pub last saturday in a black top, black shorts and a whistle in his mouth.......

I thought to myself........

He's gonna kick off in a minute.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the doctor suggests his wife is overheating during sex. So Paddy gets his mate round whilst they are having sex.

After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap. "I'll shag her and you waft the towel." Within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy turns to his mate slowly and says, "That my old son is how you waft a f*ckin' towel!"

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy wants to become a Priest, so he goes to see the Bishop who says, "First you must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"First, Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" replies Paddy.

Second, "Do you know anything about Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all known germs"

says Paddy.

Third, "What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

"Not sure about that!", says Paddy! "Did Popeye kick the shit out of them!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and Mick are walking through the meadows when they stumble on two preachers baptising people Paddy and Mick walk over ,when suddenly the preachers start talking to them they say "Are you ready to find Jesus?" " Yes we are. " they both replied the preachers put their heads under water for a minute pulled them up "Have u found Jesus?" "No." they replied they went under again for two minutes "Have you found Jesus?" "No. " was there answer. They went under again for five mins this time Mick and Paddy came up together the Priest said "Have you found Jesus?" Paddy replies "Are you sure this is the spot where he fell in....."

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

‘When I got to the door I couldn't jump.

So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches

& says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your arse !......’

Mick asks "Did you jump?".

Paddy replies "I did a bit when it first went in".

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire


"Paddy "what's Framks surname?"

Mick. "frank who?""

what!?

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy rushes his pregnant wife into the maternity hospital in labour.

Nurse asks, "How dilated is she?"

Paddy says, "ah jaysus, she's over the fuckin moon!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy want's to shag his wife and puts on two condoms 'to be sure, to be sure'

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Paddy and Mick were waiting at a bus stop when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery" Paddy says

"Do what?" say Mick

"Send me lawn away to be cut" says Paddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

paddy and mick go for an interview at there local shopping centre where B+Q is and halfords and lots of other shops are.The interveiw is at halfords and they both walk in,the manager says "hi boys, mick come through and we will start straight away with the test". As Mick walks in the test begins, the manager ask random questions for mick, maths first says the manager 2+2? Mick says 4, 4+4, mick says 8 , 8+8 mick says 16. the manager says correct, physics next mick, here are a load of fire works, go and make the biggest possible noise you can make. Five minutes laters theres a massive explosion BANG BOOM!!the manager says "fudgekin HELL,how did you do that? " mick replies i stuck them altogether.fair anuf says the manager,last test now, how many letters in the alphabet? mick says 26.brilliant says the boss, you got the job.send paddy in next please,paddt goes in.hi there paddy?paddy says hi(in a nervous voice). The boss explains what he`s going to be asking and paddy calms down a little bit."maths first says the boss".2+2 paddy says 4, 4+4 paddy says 8, 8+8 paddy says 16, correct says the boss.next is physics paddy, heres a load of fire works, go out side and make the biggest possible noice that you can imagine of, paddy goes out thinking of what he can do,30mins later the was an massive explosion BANG BOOM BANG. The manager says,f**k ME, how the hell did you get it that loud? paddy says "easy" "stuck them altogether" fair enough says the manager.The last test now paddy is english,"ok says paddy2 how many letters in the alphabet explains the boss "ummm2paddys thinking says "theres 24 in the alphabet" the boss lowers his head and says "sorry paddy, you havnt got the job", why asks paddy, the boss says theres 26 letters in the alphabet ,paddys shouts FUCKIN ANIT,I JUST BLEW B+Q UP!!!!!!

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought."

well im half irish and go out with a jew and i find these jokes exremly funny, english, irish , scottish jokes have been around longer than me. Weve go cds with jewish humor on them and i can tell you most of the jokes are taking the piss out of themselves

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire


"Spirit of Manning lives on.

Would this thread be acceptable if "jew", "black", "muslim" or some other racial/cultural stereotype were ridiculed?

All well and good amongst friends whom may understand each others view and/or whether they have a balanced view, but this is a public forum, and sometimes a little thought could be emploiyed before posting.

Just a thought.

well im half irish and go out with a jew and i find these jokes exremly funny, english, irish , scottish jokes have been around longer than me. Weve go cds with jewish humor on them and i can tell you most of the jokes are taking the piss out of themselves"

pisses me off.

relayed most of these to Em and she thought some were very funny.

some people just love to get insulted on other peoples behalfs.

bless

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London


"

well im half irish and go out with a jew and i find these jokes exremly funny, english, irish , scottish jokes have been around longer than me. Weve go cds with jewish humor on them and i can tell you most of the jokes are taking the piss out of themselves"

Jewish humour?

You already got a cake thread going

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays, Murphy says "yes cheers mate get me 400 Bensons." 2wks later Paddy comes back home, sees Murphy in the pub & says "i got ur fags, u owe me £149.00" "fuck sake" says Murphy "where did u go on holiday?"

Paddy says 'Skegness'

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

A big row has broken out in the irish olympic synchronised diving team, after paddy accused mick of copying him.

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

 

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.  Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

 "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five

people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law".

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over.

I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Mick is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." .

 

 

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By *abloBack OP   Man
over a year ago

London

Paddy and mick were on a noisy building site, paddy asked "what's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

Mick replied "it's simple, Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe was responsible for Faust"

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