FabSwingers.com forum: Am I being an arsehole by texting others in a sexless marriage

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this?

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By *B69Woman
over a year ago

Wiltshire

Your can do what you like, makes no difference to me but some will call you out for it, brace yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Up to you it's fab after all

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

do you feel like an arse hole?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can answer that op

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

I question why you need verification from others over your actions. Will you stop if you get crucified for it? Unlikely.

At the end of the day you have to make your own choices. Although I do wonder how happy you'd be if the shoe was on the other foot

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"do you feel like an arse hole?

That's what I was going to say....

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with. "

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?"

Spit it out now!!!

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?"

He's being wise today

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

Spit it out now!!! "

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

Spit it out now!!! "

Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’

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By *ert n BerylCouple
over a year ago

middlesbrough

OP the fact you’re even asking means you already know the answer!

How would you feel if it was reversed? Maybe a sex councillor can help?

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

"So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this? "

Only you can decide if you are being an arsehole or not same as it’s other people’s choice whether they interact with you or not.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sometimes I do cause obviously it’s not fair, but we all have needs and everyone likes the attention of others it’s human nature.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honest opinion OP, address the situation between you and the wife before it eats away and destroys your marriage. Texting might be a distraction but its not the solution, IMHO

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love these posts. Opp go for what makes you happy. Some will understand some wont. Bit like brexit really

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

Spit it out now!!!

Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’

Am I the only one who read that as a wanking?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you for being honest

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

Spit it out now!!!

Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’

Am I the only one who read that as a wanking? "

Definitely not! I was about to offer to help

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"Sometimes I do cause obviously it’s not fair, but we all have needs and everyone likes the attention of others it’s human nature. "

We do all have needs. Everyone's situation is unique to them. It only matters how you see things. Sometimes things aren't black and white...well Not for me anyway.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

That's a long time to be married for someone of your age.

It's wrong yes, but if it's what you feel you need to do then so be it.

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By *oriarty99Man
over a year ago

London

Yes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ve had conversations with her about it and doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference. I’m a sexual person and I like the attention

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?

Spit it out now!!!

Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’

Am I the only one who read that as a wanking?

Definitely not! I was about to offer to help

I may have done that before I read it properly

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By *assing Fancies xCouple
over a year ago

Sherwood Forest

Tops & bottoms of it in my opinion yes you are being a arsehole? For whatever reasons your marriage is sex less if you are messaging others behind her back or without her consent then for me it's the wrong way to go about things.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I appreciate your honesty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why worry about what anyone on here thinks of you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why worry about what anyone on here thinks of you?"

This...

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By *asy markMan
over a year ago

rawtenstall

Walk away and be free and enjoy your life without it being a secret

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By *asy markMan
over a year ago

rawtenstall

Any one else horny tonight

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's up to you what you do but I'd ask yourself why the sex has fallen off at home and make a bit more of an effort to get back on track with your wife.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do what feels right.

Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sometimes I do cause obviously it’s not fair, but we all have needs and everyone likes the attention of others it’s human nature.

We do all have needs. Everyone's situation is unique to them. It only matters how you see things. Sometimes things aren't black and white...well Not for me anyway."

^^This^^

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

"Do what feels right.

Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay? "
There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way..

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By *ushy 99Man
over a year ago

somewhere nearby

Its your life.. depends intirely on how you feel about your wife and what you would do if she found out.. some wont like it but others may not care..

Whatever you decide is right for you just be sure to stay fab!

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By *am450Man
over a year ago

North Kent/Greater London

"I’ve had conversations with her about it and doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference. I’m a sexual person and I like the attention "

If you wife found out do you hope in some way it might trigger the conversation you want to have but can't because your wife avoids it??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hold on, I'll go ask my wife and see what she thinks.

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By *hav02Man
over a year ago

Glasgow/London

If we all said you're being an arsehole, would you do anything different?

It's your choice OP, and you're the only one who will have to deal with consequences if the milk turns sour.

But how would you feel if you found your wife was on here or she was doing a similar thing behind your back?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly, if you aren't happy in the bedroom of your marriage, I'm pretty sure things aren't right in the livingroom either.

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By *hat BlokeMan
over a year ago

Harrogate

If your relationship with your wife is otherwise loving healthy and happy, I would concentrate on trying to get the sexual side working again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly, if you aren't happy in the bedroom of your marriage, I'm pretty sure things aren't right in the livingroom either.

I disagree. I know plenty of people where all else in the marriage is fine but the sex has dwindled. Hence the reason they stay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do what feels right.

Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay? There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way.."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Difficult one but the marriage is sexless for a reason. I know a guy who as been in this position for years and envys our lifestyle. He cheats he lies and is a complete fantasist and tells me 24/7 hes not happy yet finds every excuse in the book why he cant leave her. My answer is yes I think hes an ass hole more so for staying with someone hes not happy with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can answer that, but many on here will help you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do what feels right.

Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay?

There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way.."

Interesting view.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Sometimes taking the easy way to a temporary solution to relationship problems is more attractive than the difficult and potentially hurtful way to sort things out and come to some sort of resolution.

Are you happy with how things are, do either of you have the appetite to hear the things that you'd both need to say to sort this out?

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By *eventysixCouple
over a year ago

glossop

Personally as a man I wouldn't go behind her back honesty is the best policy. Talk and be honest. lies hurt and if kids are involved that's even worse that's my opinion. dont be in something your not happy in and if there no movement is talking then your not ment to be. There has to be compromise that's how relationships work.not on lies and deceit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So basically you're saying your wife has gone off sex and you wouldn't be on here if she hadn't ?

It also says you're Bi - curious on your profile does your wife know this aswell ?

Asking complete strangers for justification for your actions on a swingers site won't find the answers you're looking for imho.

Secrets in any relationship are unhealthy and rarely end well leading a double life is difficult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Personally as a man I wouldn't go behind her back honesty is the best policy. Talk and be honest. lies hurt and if kids are involved that's even worse that's my opinion. dont be in something your not happy in and if there no movement is talking then your not ment to be. There has to be compromise that's how relationships work.not on lies and deceit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's easy for other to judge you, not knowing the complexity of your relationship or the people involved

I also know how it feels to be in a union where sex is an issue

Having come out the other side, I would advise you to talk, talk and talk some more

You may have more common ground than you think

You may have more to work on than you think

You may realise you are both unhappy and are maintaining the status quo to spare the feelings of the other person

Either way, what you are doing now is destructive - to both your mental health and your marriage

You have the power to change this, not us, YOU

I can assure you, the thoughts are unlikely to go away so do something about it now

Meeting other people knowing you are cheating is great whilst your clothes are off, but just wait til you're on your own and the guilt starts eating away at you... Or you meet someone and develop feelings for them...

Don't waste your life or the life of your wife on whats, ifs and maybes, turn a page

So, in short, I don't think you're an arsehole, but I do think you need to get real, talk and make some potentially difficult decisions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A number of people on this thread telling others how to be truthful and no deceit. They have their moral standards and good luck to them. They are on here wanting sex. And many are happy to have sex with another mans wife!

Options

Tell her and see if she leaves you, ever been divorced. Try it, not a good feeling

Have sex using this site. Without telling her.

Live your life without sex.

Your telling people to take the last option? So try it for say 6 years and then rejoin on here with the same morals......yeah right

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...

If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.

If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away.

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By *lorious hole bs16Man
over a year ago

Bristol

Sounds very much like sexual guilt is gnawing away at you....

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

It's easy for other to judge you, not knowing the complexity of your relationship or the people involved

I also know how it feels to be in a union where sex is an issue

Having come out the other side, I would advise you to talk, talk and talk some more

You may have more common ground than you think

You may have more to work on than you think

You may realise you are both unhappy and are maintaining the status quo to spare the feelings of the other person

Either way, what you are doing now is destructive - to both your mental health and your marriage

You have the power to change this, not us, YOU

I can assure you, the thoughts are unlikely to go away so do something about it now

Don't waste your life or the life of your wife on whats, ifs and maybes, turn a page

So, in short, I don't think you're an arsehole, but I do think you need to get real, talk and make some potentially difficult decisions

I agree with this.

You say the sex has become less and less, it's clearly not at the level you'd like it to be, however, is it that you were bumping every night and now it's "only" once a week?

Have a watch of "mating it captivity" it may give you some ideas and also the confidence to speak to her properly.

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

He left. I wonder why

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He left. I wonder why

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"He left. I wonder why

Because the usual double standards were on display. Imagine my shock.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"He left. I wonder why

I thought I was nice

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

"He left. I wonder why

I thought I was nice "

You’re always nice peachy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I question why you need verification from others over your actions. Will you stop if you get crucified for it? Unlikely.

At the end of the day you have to make your own choices. Although I do wonder how happy you'd be if the shoe was on the other foot

This and good choice OP, I hope things work out....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He left. I wonder why

Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/09/20 12:05:55]

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"He left. I wonder why

Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage. "

I like to think that's the case. He was already questioning his own integrity so had doubts about his behaviour.

Fair play to him.

I'm genuinely hoping he's gone to watch mating in captivity and it gives him and his wife new hope.

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

"He left. I wonder why

Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage. "

On the back of the expert advice he received

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...

If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.

If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away. "

It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...

If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.

If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away.

It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference. "

In your case right?

I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.

Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.

The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge.

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...

If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.

If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away.

It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference.

In your case right?

I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.

Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.

The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge."

Exactly the op didn't say she couldn't for health reasons

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He left. I wonder why

Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage.

On the back of the expert advice he received

Yes. There was a good range of opinions from people who will have experienced both sides.

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By *omer47Man
over a year ago

leigh

You have to ask yourself if she was doing it how would you feel? For me I'd like to see my Mrs with another man, maybe cuckold me or just watching her but it's not for everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m guessing that he answered his own question there bless him.

See you back on here soon op.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.

Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.

Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process."

Cheating is cheating - it happens, a lot of ppl have done it or will do it, but ppl should never seek approval or validation for it imho. The honourable thing would be to talk to the existing partner about the "problem" and either work on it or at least be honest that your felt the need to be on fab. Sex really isn't everything and there is a LOT LOT LOT more to life and to a relationship than sex. So yes I'd agree it's selfish and shows a lack of love and respect for the current partner if a person is on here in secret. Judgemental eh, but it's a public forum....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.

Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pity OP is gone, just in case he's lurking somewhere under a different username though...

OP take a look at the r/Deadbedrooms subreddit on Reddit. I was in a similar situation for a similar amount of time. Texting others or even having an affair just delays the inevitable.

Address the issue at its source, have a chat with your Mrs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.

Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.

The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge."

Not a lot of men will agree with that statement

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