FabSwingers.com forum: Re write the bible

By *iamondsmiles. OP Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

So shall we do our own version of the bible.

God created woman, then thought lets have a laugh now i got six days left. Think i will create something completely useless, give it a pulse and a cock and name it man

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By *ove2-shareCouple
over a year ago

South Gloucestershire

"So shall we do our own version of the bible.

God created woman, then thought lets have a laugh now i got six days left. Think i will create something completely useless, give it a pulse and a cock and name it man"

how about instead of god created woman from adams rib, god created men from a few of the womans ribs and said lets have a gang bang

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On the 495th day, God called Adam unto him for a quiet word, which Adam immediately understood correctly to mean that he should leaveth Eve to do the washing whilst he spake with God on more serious matters.

God said unto Adam, "Tell me son, how are things with Eve?" Adam replied unto the Lord, "It's ok pops, but she a proper miserable cunt every fourth week, what's all that about then?"

God thought pensively for a moment and then replied, "Ah. Sorry bout that, I've forgotten to give you the recipe for making ale haven't I?"

Adam looked at God more quizzically and asked, "Ale? What's that then?"

God chuckled unto himself and then told Adam to try this drink he'd miraculously made appear in a large tankard. Adam drank the liquid and immediately saw it's potential as his legs felt a little unsteady and to prevent him from toppling his cock thought it's services would be needed and sprang to attention in antipication of eagerly helping his master.

God watched Adam and then said, "Adam, this is what ale is for. When she is on blob week you have the God-given right (that's me btw, I'm God) to go and get wankered as you can't shag her with all that messy stuff about but your cock will get hard easier with ale inside you so if you really have to you can still screw her. Understand?"

Adam looked at God with temper in his eyes and then said unto the Lord, "And it took you nearly 500 fucking days to let me know! Have you any idea what a total bitch she's been! For fuck's sake!"

God blushed and lowered his head and said softly to Adam, "Sorry bud, I was pissed."

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

When God made man, She was only joking

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When God made man, She was only joking

or god created woman but got so pissed off waiting for her to come out the bathroom, and when she did she complained about her hair , her clothes how she looked, her weight her periods, her surroundings, that he thought again and said nope on second thoughts ill stick with man lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

when god made man and women, he made them completly different for his own amusement

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By *iamondsmiles. OP Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"Man shall not lie with man"

Unless his wife is giving him a blowjob at the time or she is sitting on his face

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By *iamondsmiles. OP Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

But its ok if its Mr smith round the corner cause his wife is well fit and his house is worth more than yours

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/06/12 13:25:05]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So shall we do our own version of the bible.

God created woman, then thought lets have a laugh now i got six days left. Think i will create something completely useless, give it a pulse and a cock and name it man"

look lets get one thing straight....

god didnt create the earth ok...

mice did and it was all an experiment to find the answer to the meaning of life.

which is 42 if you wanted to know....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

and on the 4th day, god said let there be arguments and mucho falling out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and on the 4th day, god said let there be arguments and mucho falling out "

Thou shalt not refer to the Holy Trinity as Big Daddy, The Kid and Spooky...

Red meat is harmless...;-)

Green meat'll kill ya...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

God said, "Let there be light!" and Polo lifted Bussy's bollocks from over her eyes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"God said, "Let there be light!" and Polo lifted Bussy's bollocks from over her eyes.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

King James version: Matthew 5:39

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn unto him the other also.

Fabswingers version: Caz 5:69

But I tell you, Do not resist a naughty person. If someone strikes you on the right arse cheek, turn unto him the other also and say "Spank me harder, big boy"

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

"and on the 4th day, god said let there be arguments and mucho falling out "

Oh no he didn't

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

"King James version: Matthew 5:39

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn unto him the other also.

Fabswingers version: Caz 5:69

But I tell you, Do not resist a naughty person. If someone strikes you on the right arse cheek, turn unto him the other also and say "Spank me harder, big boy"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And Jesus answered...,

“Get yo own bitch, mudda fukka!!!!!!!!"

(Luke 7:36-50....... almost)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And Jesus answered...,

“Get yo own bitch, mudda fukka!!!!!!!!"

(Luke 7:36-50....... almost)

is that possible? hahahahaha

Keep them coming

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Deuteronomy 25:11

When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.

Fabswingers 25:69

When two men are fucking and the wife of one of them is feeling left out and intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches the man by his privates, she must push the one guy between her legs while she sucks the other to completion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So God made Woman in Her own likeness and set her in the Garden of Eden.

After some time Woman asked God why she had given her three breasts and God said unto Woman 'Behold the Holy Trinity but what is wrong?' to which Woman replied 'I get back ache carrying 60DDs around and M & S only make bras for two'.

So God pondered for a dew days and came back to Woman in the Garden of eden and said 'come here and I will remove one' So the middle one was taken off and thrown away and Woman was happy again.

After some time Woman asked God why she was all alone in the Garden of Eden and God said 'We are women and don't need anything else' to which Woman replied well maybe not in Heaven but here in the Garden of Eden I could do with an extra pair of hands doing the lawns and borders. And the apples will need picking soon.

So God pondered the problem and saud to Woman 'Ah I have it I will make you a Man to serve you for all time.'

'Now where is that tit I threw away earlier ..'

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Numbers 31:32

These were the spoils which remained of the plunder taken by the fighting men: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and as for persons, 32,000 young women who had had no intercourse with a man.

Fabswingers 31:69

32,000 virgins????????????? As if....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and on the 4th day, god said let there be arguments and mucho falling out "

And lots and lots of make up sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sony 16:9 see all, hear all, do fuck all!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thou shalt not refer to the Holy Trinity as Big Daddy, The Kid and Spooky...

Red meat is harmless...;-)

Green meat'll kill ya...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Numbers 31:32

Fabswingers 31:69

32,000 virgins????????????? As if....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth had no form. It was empty, covered with darkness and water. Then the Spirit of God hovered over the water, and God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good.

Then He divided the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Then God said, “Let there be a great expanse of air to divide the waters below from the waters above.”

And God called the expanse “heaven.” And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Then God said, “Let the water under the heaven be gathered together in one place, and let the dry land appear,” and it happened.

And God called the dry land “earth”; and the gathering together of the waters He called “seas”: and God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let the earth produce grass, and herbs, and fruit trees, all yielding after their own kind,” and it happened; And God saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Then God said, “Let there be lights in the heavens; and let them be for signs and seasons, and for days, and years.” God made two great lights; the sun to rule by day and the moon to rule by night. He also made the stars.

And He set them all in the heavens to give light upon the earth; And God saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Then God said, “Let the waters abound with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth.” So God created great whales and everything that moves in the water, and winged animals—all these producing after their kinds; and God saw that it was good. And He blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful, and multiply.” And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Then God said, “Let the earth be filled with living creatures.” So He made the animals on the earth, the cattle, and every thing that crawls upon the earth—all producing after their kinds; and God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness.” And the Lord God formed man out of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

So God created man in His own image; and He created them male and female. God named the first man Adam; then later Adam called the woman, Eve.

And God said, “A man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.”

And God saw everything that He had made, and it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

The heavens and the earth were finished, so on the seventh day God ended his work, tired, hungry and in need of a beer.

But God stayed a little too long at the Heavenly Watering Hole as, on the evening of the 7th day, he turned up at Adam and Eve's gaff feeling like he really needed a good hard shag after all that work, knocked on the door and said "Adam, fancy a 3some Matey????????"

... and so God created .... Swinging

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Let they who are without sin cast the first stone"

And a big rock flew right outta the crowd... Killed the hooker...

And the lord spake...

"Sometimes mom yer a pain in the ass..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Numbers 31:32

Fabswingers 31:69

32,000 virgins????????????? As if....

what????? with all those horny donkeys about... the randy fuckers...

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I cannot accept that God hoovered.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Genesis 15:9

The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”

Fabswingers 16:23

Bestiality's not allowed on the forums

Admin x

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Mark 14:51

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

Fabswingers 17:52

Bloody single bi guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"On the 495th day, God called Adam unto him for a quiet word, which Adam immediately understood correctly to mean that he should leaveth Eve to do the washing whilst he spake with God on more serious matters.

God said unto Adam, "Tell me son, how are things with Eve?" Adam replied unto the Lord, "It's ok pops, but she a proper miserable cunt every fourth week, what's all that about then?"

God thought pensively for a moment and then replied, "Ah. Sorry bout that, I've forgotten to give you the recipe for making ale haven't I?"

Adam looked at God more quizzically and asked, "Ale? What's that then?"

Adam looked at God with temper in his eyes and then said unto the Lord, "And it took you nearly 500 fucking days to let me know! Have you any idea what a total bitch she's been! For fuck's sake!"

God blushed and lowered his head and said softly to Adam, "Sorry bud, I was pissed." "
And lo, God saideth "When the Main Road is Blocked, take The Dirt Path.........."

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Omg soooo funny I think Ive pee'd myself

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By *ove2-shareCouple
over a year ago

South Gloucestershire

Let he who is without sin join fab swingers, youll soon learn.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Let he who is without sin join fab swingers, ...."

.... and get a life!!

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Ezekiel 23:19

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Fabswingers 17:42

Would that be Hung_Like_Donkey1969 then???????

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

In the beginning there was God, played by Morgan Freeman, and it was dark and cold and empty. God said “Let there be light” and so it came to pass there was light… after choosing the cheapest energy provider, three cancelled appointments and a workman call Dave turning up 2 hours late. The light came and it was good.

Two days passed and God said “Let there be a period of dark between periods of light as I can’t fucking sleep when it’s this bright outside” And so it came to be that day followed night, which followed day, and it was good.

After a good long nap, God looked around and God said “There’s feck all to do around here” and so God made the heavens and the earth. And it was good, until God realised how much ing would need to be done in a few months. So God shaped the land and made mountains and great seas of water and it would have been good if only God had checked the instruction manual; as it was mean to be a multi-gym and a pool table.

Still much of the land was bare and so God said “Let there be Ground Force who will make-over this land with decking and flower beds”. And two days later God came back and pretended to be surprised as there were trees and shrubs and a small water feature on the patio. And it was good.

And God did look smugly at the neighbours gardens.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

"I cannot accept that God hoovered."

surely not after he had created a woman

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