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Could, should, would

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Can infidelity be forgiven? Is this something you could, would or should do? Do you even think it is possible?

There's many threads on here about cheating men and cheating women, and I am not saying I condone it, as it can be so destructive and has the potential to tear families apart, but can a relationship come back from this? Would you even try to repair the damage, or would that be it, end of.

I have my hard hat and safety goggles at the ready for possible onslaught

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nurse! He's escaped again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did once, all that happened was he saw it as weakness and did it again confident he'd be forgiven again... He wasn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d never forgive it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been cheated on once, I got out of there immediately. I'd say I would do the same if it happened again, though if I were married with kids it would make my decision more difficult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't because I know it would break my heart.

If we had kids it's a different situation and I would probably try to work on our relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I did once, all that happened was he saw it as weakness and did it again confident he'd be forgiven again... He wasn't. "

What if he hadn't again, do you think it would of worked?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have done and forgive and like said previous I think the other part take it as a weakness and think they can get away with it all the time plays with every emotion going really I went though twice before I ended it all

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu "

I agree, it's not the act, it's the deceit, but I'm guessing you wouldn't be able to forgive this kind of thing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I've been cheated on once, I got out of there immediately. I'd say I would do the same if it happened again, though if I were married with kids it would make my decision more difficult."

Do you think you'd be able to work through that for the sake of children?

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By *lex1979ABCMan
over a year ago

liverpool

The reason I'm single is because I was cheated on. I can't forgive her for that so I'm happy to stay single rather than risk giving my heart away again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu

I agree, it's not the act, it's the deceit, but I'm guessing you wouldn't be able to forgive this kind of thing. "

I'd forgive him...eventually.

But I couldn't be with him. Honesty is the most important thing to me within a relationship, once that's gone, the rest is worthless.

Lu

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have done and forgive and like said previous I think the other part take it as a weakness and think they can get away with it all the time plays with every emotion going really I went though twice before I ended it all "

I get that, and feel for you, it's an awful thing to experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried soooo hard to forgive but it tore me apart..

if i were cheated on again i wouldnt even fight id just walk for my own sanity and self worth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've been cheated on once, I got out of there immediately. I'd say I would do the same if it happened again, though if I were married with kids it would make my decision more difficult.

Do you think you'd be able to work through that for the sake of children? "

I think I would try, kids shouldn't suffer. If I could beleive she wouldn't cheat again then I think I would try and stay together.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I tried soooo hard to forgive but it tore me apart..

if i were cheated on again i wouldnt even fight id just walk for my own sanity and self worth.

"

That's understandable, I've seen people border on breakdowns because of infidelity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s kills you if done more than once my ex did twice first tome forgive and stayed together for kids and worked things out but was always on the back of my mind and got me close to a breakdown it makes you feel worthless 2nd time I didn’t even fight I was gone and fought for my rights with kids etc if I had stayed I would have being rock bottom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nah that over no need for sneak..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No.

Although it would always depend on circumstances. My ex walked out 2 days after I got out of hospital having nearly died. The lies and deceit I uncovered followed by the gaslighting were worse than the 18month affair.

In a weak moment I did try to forgive him (which he begged for as soon as he saw I was moving on!)but I couldn’t and so walked away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It’s kills you if done more than once my ex did twice first tome forgive and stayed together for kids and worked things out but was always on the back of my mind and got me close to a breakdown it makes you feel worthless 2nd time I didn’t even fight I was gone and fought for my rights with kids etc if I had stayed I would have being rock bottom "

I am glad you had the strength to walk away and fought your corner for your kids.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"No.

Although it would always depend on circumstances. My ex walked out 2 days after I got out of hospital having nearly died. The lies and deceit I uncovered followed by the gaslighting were worse than the 18month affair.

In a weak moment I did try to forgive him (which he begged for as soon as he saw I was moving on!)but I couldn’t and so walked away.

"

Yes, well that's a total other level of deceitfullness there, and understand you walking away.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort "

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the many reasons I don't want another traditional relationship is because I don't think happy monogamy is possible.

I don't think I could fully forgive a 'slip '

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

Never cheated on anyone,and would never forgive someone who cheated on me no matter what.theyd be gone

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One of the many reasons I don't want another traditional relationship is because I don't think happy monogamy is possible.

I don't think I could fully forgive a 'slip '

"

Do you think that's possibly why many cheat, or have a 'slop' as you put it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Never cheated on anyone,and would never forgive someone who cheated on me no matter what.theyd be gone "

It's good that you stick to your standards

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship? "

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away. "

Well thanks for taking the time to answer and for sharing this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away. "

What would you class as being emotionally unfaithful?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away.

What would you class as being emotionally unfaithful?"

Stuff like forming an intimate emotional bond with someone that involved discussing things with them that they hadn't discussed with me. I don't mean friends obviously it's OK for people to have relationships other than their primary partner or partners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away.

What would you class as being emotionally unfaithful?

Stuff like forming an intimate emotional bond with someone that involved discussing things with them that they hadn't discussed with me. I don't mean friends obviously it's OK for people to have relationships other than their primary partner or partners. "

I get that. That’s why I never understand when people say their husband’s/wife’s best friend is a member of the opposite sex and they tell each other everything.

To me, that’s being emotionally unfaithful.

I’d rather they had meaningless sex with a stranger.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex cheated on me with his ex wife after we’d been together 6 months , I loved him so much and I was young so I forgave him but I never forgot it !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One of the many reasons I don't want another traditional relationship is because I don't think happy monogamy is possible.

I don't think I could fully forgive a 'slip '

Do you think that's possibly why many cheat, or have a 'slop' as you put it? "

A slop?

People cheat for different reasons.

But the lie is still the same.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"It depends on the relationship, the circumstances, the motive and the willingness to both learn from what's happened. Sometimes it's possible and can even makea relationship stronger other times its not worth the effort

Could you forgive any infidelity, in relationship your in now, or any hypothetical relationship?

The short answer is I don't know.

We've been together 40 year, have experienced the usual ups and downs of a long relationship and faced and overcome various problems together. I would have to look at the bigger picture before I made a decision. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful sexually or emotionally though.

In a new relationship I'd probably walk away.

What would you class as being emotionally unfaithful?

Stuff like forming an intimate emotional bond with someone that involved discussing things with them that they hadn't discussed with me. I don't mean friends obviously it's OK for people to have relationships other than their primary partner or partners.

I get that. That’s why I never understand when people say their husband’s/wife’s best friend is a member of the opposite sex and they tell each other everything.

To me, that’s being emotionally unfaithful.

I’d rather they had meaningless sex with a stranger."

When people discuss problems with their partner on here I often think "just go and shag a random. It's far less damaging than you laying bare their faults and vulnerabilities to other people"

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

It’s a tough one. The first time it happened we worked through it, took months. However within a year some of the old tell tale signs started popping back up and although he swore blind he wasn’t cheating, I couldn’t live with the doubt, the trust had gone and I didn’t like the person I was becoming so I ended it.

The other times it’s happened it’s been a straight goodbye, no looking back and done

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Can infidelity be forgiven? Is this something you could, would or should do? Do you even think it is possible?

There's many threads on here about cheating men and cheating women, and I am not saying I condone it, as it can be so destructive and has the potential to tear families apart, but can a relationship come back from this? Would you even try to repair the damage, or would that be it, end of.

I have my hard hat and safety goggles at the ready for possible onslaught "

I think I could have eventually forgiven the infidelity, if it hadnt been so crafty, sustained and calculated. A one off, maybe, but to find out on the same day your father dies, that they made the decision to end things was the final nail in the coffin.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One of the many reasons I don't want another traditional relationship is because I don't think happy monogamy is possible.

I don't think I could fully forgive a 'slip '

Do you think that's possibly why many cheat, or have a 'slop' as you put it?

A slop?

People cheat for different reasons.

But the lie is still the same.

"

Haha, these bloody fat thumbs!

But yes, I agree, the lie is still the same.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My ex cheated on me with his ex wife after we’d been together 6 months , I loved him so much and I was young so I forgave him but I never forgot it !"

Is that why the relationship ultimately ended?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No ,my ex cheated on me after 22 years together,it destroyed our marriage

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Everyone's situation is different. Cheating is often not the real problem but an indication or symptom that there are other issues in the relationship, communication, investment of time and emotion, respect. If and when it happens often a quick fuck can be a different dynamic to an affair... And 1000 different permutations so I don't think there is a one size fits all answer.

I do wish however that we could show more empathy, forgiveness and understanding to people who have "transgressed" or made mistakes. We are all human and none of us are perfect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldnt cheat have been cheated on. Even with kids I could never forgive or forget, the way I see it is if your not happy dont cheat just dont be in a relationship

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/09/20 09:59:20]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I’d rather they had meaningless sex with a stranger.

When people discuss problems with their partner on here I often think "just go and shag a random. It's far less damaging than you laying bare their faults and vulnerabilities to other people" "

Totally agree with this.

One of the most damaging aspects for me was that he had shared very personal things about me, things which only he knew and I trusted him implicitly with, with the other woman.

If he had just been shagging her, it wouldn’t have been so damaging.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m interested, did those who cheated want to be forgiven and to continue in the marriage or relationship?

In my case, I was the one who cheated but I didn’t want or ask to be forgiven.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Can infidelity be forgiven? Is this something you could, would or should do? Do you even think it is possible?

There's many threads on here about cheating men and cheating women, and I am not saying I condone it, as it can be so destructive and has the potential to tear families apart, but can a relationship come back from this? Would you even try to repair the damage, or would that be it, end of.

I have my hard hat and safety goggles at the ready for possible onslaught

I think I could have eventually forgiven the infidelity, if it hadnt been so crafty, sustained and calculated. A one off, maybe, but to find out on the same day your father dies, that they made the decision to end things was the final nail in the coffin."

Well that seems there was a bit more at play in what you describe, and sounds like you dodged a bullet there.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Everyone's situation is different. Cheating is often not the real problem but an indication or symptom that there are other issues in the relationship, communication, investment of time and emotion, respect. If and when it happens often a quick fuck can be a different dynamic to an affair... And 1000 different permutations so I don't think there is a one size fits all answer.

I do wish however that we could show more empathy, forgiveness and understanding to people who have "transgressed" or made mistakes. We are all human and none of us are perfect. "

Great contribution sir, appreciate it, but would or could you forgive in that situation?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I’d rather they had meaningless sex with a stranger.

When people discuss problems with their partner on here I often think "just go and shag a random. It's far less damaging than you laying bare their faults and vulnerabilities to other people"

Totally agree with this.

One of the most damaging aspects for me was that he had shared very personal things about me, things which only he knew and I trusted him implicitly with, with the other woman.

If he had just been shagging her, it wouldn’t have been so damaging."

Agree with this, it's almost a different kind of betrayal to share personal and intimate things with another person like that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’m interested, did those who cheated want to be forgiven and to continue in the marriage or relationship?

In my case, I was the one who cheated but I didn’t want or ask to be forgiven.

"

Did your partner make any effort to try salvage the relationship?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope never forgive

My husband cheated throughout our relationship, my pregnancies & our marriage

Purely because he enjoyed the thrill

The people he chose too .... the nursery worker I handed our baby to daily, my friends, his nephews gf

The lies he spun, omg the lies I fell for

Its not always about the sex, its about disception, lac of respect, lying, the people who help cover their backs, the fact that they tell you you're the mad crazy one.

You doubt yourself, your own sense of truth, your self worth

Then there's the risks .... sti's that you could have been given

So no, never forgive

And would never knowing help someone to cheat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’m interested, did those who cheated want to be forgiven and to continue in the marriage or relationship?

In my case, I was the one who cheated but I didn’t want or ask to be forgiven.

Did your partner make any effort to try salvage the relationship? "

Would have been pointless, I didn’t want to salvage it. The relationship was over in my eyes. I wanted a divorce.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

It is possible to forgive, and move on if both parties are committed to that, but it does fundamentally change a relationship.

Once trust has gone it's very hard to rebuild that.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town


"Everyone's situation is different. Cheating is often not the real problem but an indication or symptom that there are other issues in the relationship, communication, investment of time and emotion, respect. If and when it happens often a quick fuck can be a different dynamic to an affair... And 1000 different permutations so I don't think there is a one size fits all answer.

I do wish however that we could show more empathy, forgiveness and understanding to people who have "transgressed" or made mistakes. We are all human and none of us are perfect.

Great contribution sir, appreciate it, but would or could you forgive in that situation? "

Hypothetically... If it were meaningless sex,I'd like to think probably yes, if it were more intimate and emotional it would be much harder for me. Much easier to say than if genuinely confronted with the situation though.

If I were with someone a long time I'd have more invested to make more efforts to try and work things out. Genuine forgiveness takes time though. Life is short and if your are with someone who apart from a fuck, makes you happy... Its worth some effort I'd say.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It's up to individuals to define their own terms inside a relationship and everyone's different.

It's hard to regain trust and especially so if someone is very deeply hurt. You can reformulate a relationship and make new rules but it needs total investment of all parties.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kindness is a weakness.

You never ever give second chances as humans take the piss and will do it again.

You move on without them. Let them destroy someone else's life which they will do in time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Kindness is a weakness.

You never ever give second chances as humans take the piss and will do it again.

You move on without them. Let them destroy someone else's life which they will do in time."

I moved on. Didn’t destroy anyone’s life

Why do some people always have to make everything a drama?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Kindness is a weakness.

You never ever give second chances as humans take the piss and will do it again.

You move on without them. Let them destroy someone else's life which they will do in time.

I moved on. Didn’t destroy anyone’s life

Why do some people always have to make everything a drama?"

You may not have done but there is no denying that infidelity can and does have far reaching consequences for many.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Kindness is a weakness.

You never ever give second chances as humans take the piss and will do it again.

You move on without them. Let them destroy someone else's life which they will do in time.

I moved on. Didn’t destroy anyone’s life

Why do some people always have to make everything a drama?

You may not have done but there is no denying that infidelity can and does have far reaching consequences for many.

"

I think it’s the actions surrounding the infidelity that can cause far reaching consequences, not necessarily the act of infidelity.

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By *heGentleman2024Man
over a year ago

North West

Trust is something that never comes back in a relationship once lost...you can work on it all you want but it will never be the same..when kids are involved it makes everything much much harder.

Everything happens for a reason. If your a good person with a kind heart. Never blame yourself if its happened to you.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I didn't forgive it with my ex. Though he had the opportunity to have an open relationship with me but wanted monogamy when he couldn't handle me seeing others but then was caught out seeing another girl for 3 months behind my back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being cheated on had a detrimental effect on me, my mental health, my (our) family... The great big love I had for him unfortunately turned into hate. Hatred, anger, sadness, resentment; powerful emotions. I know I will always have "feelings" for him, sadly they are not good feelings

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, I would never cheat on my woman and no, I'd never forgive.

Simple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The reason I'm single is because I was cheated on. I can't forgive her for that so I'm happy to stay single rather than risk giving my heart away again."

Same. I can't trust anyone.

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By *heGentleman2024Man
over a year ago

North West


"The reason I'm single is because I was cheated on. I can't forgive her for that so I'm happy to stay single rather than risk giving my heart away again.

Same. I can't trust anyone."

This on so many levels..one day

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I appreciate all the responses on here, and apologies for not replying to some. Really glad the thread didn't turn into a sagging match, and also great to see quite a few different perspectives, and thanks for the openness and honesty

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu "

100%

They don't lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves.

I'd potentially forgive if they were on a night out, did what they did and told me right away.

I'd respect the honesty.

Hiding it tho, that's deceptive and a conscious decision to keep something pretty fucking important from you. How dare someone withold information that may be life changing and think that's OK?

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

For me it’s a no. Cheating to me is the ultimate lack of respect. Not putting myself through that again for anybody.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu

100%

They don't lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves.

I'd potentially forgive if they were on a night out, did what they did and told me right away.

I'd respect the honesty.

Hiding it tho, that's deceptive and a conscious decision to keep something pretty fucking important from you. How dare someone withold information that may be life changing and think that's OK? "

Yes, I agree that it's the deceitfulness and lies that are more hurtful. And in no way is that to protect unknowing partner.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"For me it’s a no. Cheating to me is the ultimate lack of respect. Not putting myself through that again for anybody. "

I agree that it really isn't something I would do to anyone, but given how many threats there is on the subject, was just wondering if anyone had managed salvage a relationship from this.

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"No.

There's no excuse for it within our relationship. It's not as if I'm not ok with him playing with others.

If he went behind my back it would be a huge betrayal. I'd lose all trust and once that's gone the relationship is dead.

The sex with someone else is never what hurts, it's the behind your back part.

Lu

100%

They don't lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves.

I'd potentially forgive if they were on a night out, did what they did and told me right away.

I'd respect the honesty.

Hiding it tho, that's deceptive and a conscious decision to keep something pretty fucking important from you. How dare someone withold information that may be life changing and think that's OK? "

That’s what happened to my friend, her hubby had too much to drink at works night out then cheated on her. He was overcome with guilt, confessed a couple days later, he moved out they talked it over and had a toddler so that may have been why they got back together but 12 years on they seem stronger than ever and do a lot more family things than they were doing prior to the affair.

I think if both parties are honest about why the affair happened and can talk everything through there is a chance to salvage it but they need to be completely honest and that’s not always easy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried to forgive and move on (for the sake of the children) but even though he was truly sorry and I was reasonably confident he wouldn’t do it again (and even understood why he’d been tempted in the first place), it just killed something for me. I think I just lost respect for him and once that’s gone, it’s game over. We struggled on for about 3 years (lots of marriage counselling etc) and I just woke up one morning and realised it would never be the same again. As others have said, it’s the deceit not the action itself ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

That’s what happened to my friend, her hubby had too much to drink at works night out then cheated on her. He was overcome with guilt, confessed a couple days later, he moved out they talked it over and had a toddler so that may have been why they got back together but 12 years on they seem stronger than ever and do a lot more family things than they were doing prior to the affair.

I think if both parties are honest about why the affair happened and can talk everything through there is a chance to salvage it but they need to be completely honest and that’s not always easy "

That is great that they have managed to salvage their relationship and aven better that they are stronger than before

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I tried to forgive and move on (for the sake of the children) but even though he was truly sorry and I was reasonably confident he wouldn’t do it again (and even understood why he’d been tempted in the first place), it just killed something for me. I think I just lost respect for him and once that’s gone, it’s game over. We struggled on for about 3 years (lots of marriage counselling etc) and I just woke up one morning and realised it would never be the same again. As others have said, it’s the deceit not the action itself ..."

I agree, once respect is lost for a partner, it is very hard to rebuild, as with trust. And yes I agree also, it isn't the act, it's the deceit.

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"

That’s what happened to my friend, her hubby had too much to drink at works night out then cheated on her. He was overcome with guilt, confessed a couple days later, he moved out they talked it over and had a toddler so that may have been why they got back together but 12 years on they seem stronger than ever and do a lot more family things than they were doing prior to the affair.

I think if both parties are honest about why the affair happened and can talk everything through there is a chance to salvage it but they need to be completely honest and that’s not always easy

That is great that they have managed to salvage their relationship and aven better that they are stronger than before "

I think my friend realised they had got so caught up in their baby that they had forgotten each other so it worked for them although he didn’t try to blame her he accepted total responsibility which helps too

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

That’s what happened to my friend, her hubby had too much to drink at works night out then cheated on her. He was overcome with guilt, confessed a couple days later, he moved out they talked it over and had a toddler so that may have been why they got back together but 12 years on they seem stronger than ever and do a lot more family things than they were doing prior to the affair.

I think if both parties are honest about why the affair happened and can talk everything through there is a chance to salvage it but they need to be completely honest and that’s not always easy

That is great that they have managed to salvage their relationship and aven better that they are stronger than before

I think my friend realised they had got so caught up in their baby that they had forgotten each other so it worked for them although he didn’t try to blame her he accepted total responsibility which helps too "

Yes, the ability to see from each others point of view is always ideal, but in the moment can be rather difficult, and openness and honesty much needed as well as being able to listen properly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In all these scenarios, it seems as everyone thinks the one cheating wants to be forgiven.

That’s not always the case.

I cheated on my ex husband, and I didn’t want or ask for forgiveness.

Do I think I was the devil incarnate and him the totally innocent party? Do I fuck!

Sex was never the reason I cheated. It was simply that I fell in love with someone else.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"In all these scenarios, it seems as everyone thinks the one cheating wants to be forgiven.

That’s not always the case.

I cheated on my ex husband, and I didn’t want or ask for forgiveness.

Do I think I was the devil incarnate and him the totally innocent party? Do I fuck!

Sex was never the reason I cheated. It was simply that I fell in love with someone else."

This can be the case, and your situation also can be the case, and more so than some would imagine would be my guess.

I wouldn't presume anyone to be the devil incarnate in that instance either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/09/20 17:18:50]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I did once, all that happened was he saw it as weakness and did it again confident he'd be forgiven again... He wasn't. "

id go with this.

if you accept someones bad behaviour they will see that as weakness and do it again.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

..

Yes, I do think infidelity can be forgiven. I suppose it depends on the set of circumstances that got the relationship to that point. I think there is more pressure on people to walk away from a marriage/relationship than to stay and work it out these days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m married with young children but still have my secret life as Maxine and meet men for sex ( most are also so called straight and married) I do feel guilty about it but still continue even though I know once I’m caught the heartache will be terrible.

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

It's down to each individual, if they can carry on their relationship and get over it

Personally don't think I could, especially since I'm half a couple.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

I've never experienced cheating so its hard to say whether I could overcome it or not, I suppose it depends on the reasons behind it all.

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By *onkyLemonsCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Hmmm.....going to go against the grain here and say yes. It’s a very personal thing and I totally get that everyone will react differently and have different emotions dependant on their own circumstances.

I don’t want to go in to all the sordid details, but we, as a couple, had to deal with some infidelity in our relationship.

A while back we went through this as a couple. One of us did the dirty with an old flame after chatting with them secretly for a long time. It was all very secretive, deceitful, etc etc etc - all the negative things everyone above has said; they’re all correct.

Anyway, it got found out - as these things always do. The fall out was horrific, we seperated, there was drama, sadness, anger - all of it.

Then we had a period of openness. We had to stay in touch due to familial commitments, so we had kept chatting here and there.

It was actually a very cathartic, albeit horrendously painful process. And when it was all laid bare, it was obvious that our relationship had been in trouble for a while.

That was a long while back and we’d both probably say that we’re much much stronger for having gone through the process.

I think there is forgiveness in our relationship, it’s definitely not forgotten, but there isn’t an inkling of malice or anything when we think / talk about that time in our lives.

And before anyone asks, we didn’t decided to try and get in to swinging to “fix” anything. We had long kissed and made up before we started chatting about anything as remotely sordid as swinging!

TLDR; Yes, you can forgive infidelity - but as with everything, it’s all dependant on the person / persons / circumstance.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"In all these scenarios, it seems as everyone thinks the one cheating wants to be forgiven.

That’s not always the case.

I cheated on my ex husband, and I didn’t want or ask for forgiveness.

Do I think I was the devil incarnate and him the totally innocent party? Do I fuck!

Sex was never the reason I cheated. It was simply that I fell in love with someone else."

My ex not only wanted forgiveness, he expected it. He's never really let it go and has stalked me ever since (coming up to 5 years) trying to contact me. From about 6 months after we split up I've made no contact as every conversion resulted in me being guilted and him trying to convince me I was being irrational for not taking him back and that him cheating was all my fault anyway.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

No. It would break my heart and my trust. Although I could forgive them (eventually) I’d never forget. And ultimately, that would make me miserable.

And I don’t believe that if you truly love someone that you would hurt them like that. So no. They could go.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Some. people have a capacity to forgive it some don’t but whether or not the relationship survives is another issue altogether.

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

It happened to me. Twice.

First time was in about 1993. I'd been with my wife about 11 years and married 6, when she sat me down and out of the blue told me she was having an affair with a guy I considered one of my best friends. Our kids were coming up to their 4th and 2nd birthdays and my concern was them.

A few days later she told me she was moving in with him and perhaps it would be a good idea for me to take the kids to visit my parents on the day she was leaving, as she didn't know when they would see each other again. I took the kids and sat at my parents' house very subdued, trying to find the words to tell them what was happening.

Then the phone rang. Mum answered and called me to the phone. It was my wife. She said she'd realised she'd made a big mistake and would I forgive. I drove home and we had a long heart-to-heart. It took a long time, but eventually I did forgive, but didn't forget, and thought to myself that if it ever happened again I wouldn't go through that pain again.

Things seemed good; the kids grew up, the eldest had finished university and left home to live with her boyfriend, and the youngest was in her 2nd year at university, but was at home for the summer holidays. One day I got home from work and neither my wife nor daughter were home. I assumed they were visiting friends so went to get changed. I found the wardrobe cleared of the wife's clothes, so went around the house and found other stuff missing. Then she walked in. Said she'd been to the supermarket. I pointed out that the supermarket is 6 miles away, she doesn't drive and the last bus to our village was 3.30pm and it was now after 5pm. I also asked where our daughter was - turned out she'd gone to her boyfriend's house for the weekend.

Then the wife said she'd found another guy online, had been having an affair with him for the last 6 months, her stuff was in a van they'd hired and he was parked at the end of the street.

I didn't flip my lid. I stayed calm. She asked why wasn't I trying to persuade her to stay. I replied saying that she was obviously not happy being with me otherwise she wouldn't have looked elsewhere. I wished her good luck and said "go and be happy, but, if it all goes tits up, don't come running back to me as we are now finished.

This was in 2011, when the kids were almost 22 and 20. We'd been together 29 years and just had our 24th wedding anniversary.

I have minimal contact now. I think I've seen her three times in the last 9 years, though I am always civil with her. She's still with the guy she left me for, but if I were him I'd be wary, as she dumped her first boyfriend to be with me, so has a track record of dumping men for others lol.

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