FabSwingers.com forum: Really bad at knowing when to let go...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just stop contacting them, and when they eventually contact you, explain to them why you are not texting.

Give them opportunity to change there ways or say goodbye

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

Just stop putting any effort into the friendship and let it slip away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just stop contacting them, and when they eventually contact you, explain to them why you are not texting.

Give them opportunity to change there ways or say goodbye "

This

have done this on several occasions.

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By *adHatter_RestrainedAliceCouple
over a year ago

In The Hills

Ghost them

Not good for you

Not worth your time

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Oh, you just have to! They'll drive you crazy. One ex friend of mine was a disaster - won't go into the details - but basically, was only there on her terms. In the end, I was so wound up, I let rip at her. We had a row, but when she called me a selfish bitch, I really lost it.

Safe to say she's been out of my life for 2 years now. My stress levels are far more manageable now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Take some time away from them.

If they’re adding value to your life, you’ll realise when they’re no longer present. That way you can speak to them about certain behaviours and give them the opportunity to right any wrongs.

If you realise that you can continue your life without them, and it benefits you not having them in your headspace then that’s when you know it’s time to let go.

It’s your headspace, if they’re not paying rent then evict them and make room for other people/things that add value.

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

Realising you feel crappy after being around them.

What do they bring to your life?????

MsD

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's very hard to do sometimes but just deciding to break away and stay away is what is needed...good luck and put you first.

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By *heslimoneMan
over a year ago

Deeside

you come to the realisation that they are not friends and that you don't need to surround yourself with them, walk away it really is that simple.

And remember it's not about who likes you it's who you like, they are the people that warrant your time.

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By * Lexi xWoman
over a year ago

stockport

Be strong and realise your worth so much more......

Goes for any kind of relationship: Romantic, friendship or family.

Once I’m done I’m done.

I’m a great friend but a wanker of an enemy.

Always here if you need a chat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just stop putting any effort into the friendship and let it slip away"

I do this, because its nearly always me making the effort.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I find the ghosting really really hard.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

I'm crap at it as you know well by now.

I've tried it all - from pointing out how self focused someone was in a polite way, putting up with shitty behaviour after my dad died which lacked any compassion and empathy to simply blocking and ignoring for a period of time.

Treat it like a relationship because essentially is one. Would you put up with that level of crap from someone you're dating? No. Friendships aren't one sided and should be good for you both - yes, of course, you can disagree and yes, you can have meh moments at each other. Overall though they should make you happy. If that's not the case, why put yourself through that? If roles were reversed, they wouldn't put up with it from you.

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"Take some time away from them.

If they’re adding value to your life, you’ll realise when they’re no longer present. That way you can speak to them about certain behaviours and give them the opportunity to right any wrongs.

If you realise that you can continue your life without them, and it benefits you not having them in your headspace then that’s when you know it’s time to let go.

It’s your headspace, if they’re not paying rent then evict them and make room for other people/things that add value. "

That really rings true and is very eloquently put.

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By *aul1973HullMan
over a year ago

East Hull

Sometimes you just have to end a friendship for the sake of your own sanity, it feels a shitty thing to do but there are times when you have to put yourself first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Distancing helps to assess whether they add positively to your headspace or make you uncomfortable in any way.. hope you get it sorted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find the ghosting really really hard."

You don't have to ghost just tell them you need to look after you and other stuff and need the space. If they don't respect that then don't worry about ghosting at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

I think sometimes it can just be that certain thing they say and you just think...You know what fuck you...

Unfortunately I've just done this with a very good so called friend. The final straw when I realised she really is just jealous of me..My mum had being telling me for years and guess what? Mums are always right..

I guess it depends on whats happened but I've just woke up and thought thats enough, no more..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone.

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By *aul1973HullMan
over a year ago

East Hull

"I find the ghosting really really hard."

It's brutal, but that's what the block button is for.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"I find the ghosting really really hard."

Just say you are taking some time out so will be out of contact for a while

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By *ensualtouch15Man
over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Aquantences easy dropped 2 toxic ex friends this year

Family now that's where I struggle good job I'm robust

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

I tell them exactly how they make me feel when they do an toxic act, literally just list over and over all what is crap in the friendship

Then I burn it when I'm ready to let go, If I destroy it too quickly I may forget what happened and let them back in.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Change their name to Don't Answer on your phone.

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By *nliveneTV/TS
over a year ago

Selby

I simply just walk away and i don't look back , it hurts but also worth find real friends that are not toxic .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i blank them.

and i mean blank them in everything.

no talking, nothing.

just a mean hard stare

a bit like paddington

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

I’m not going to tell you it’s an easy thing to do. It’s not! Especially if, like me, you’re the sort of person who constantly tries to see the good in people.

Strangely I was just talking about this earlier on, but I did a bit of a “friend cull” a couple of years ago. I had a group of people in my life who were leaning so heavily on me all the time and giving nothing in return. I was surrounded on all sides by people who were leeching all of my emotional energy and strength, leaving me totally drained. I made so many excuses for the way I was treated, and gave every excuse under the sun for their bad behaviour, being much faster to say “sorry” than to defend myself.

Making the conscious choice to step away from those friendships was liberating but also very painful. I spent a lot of time feeling like the bad guy for choosing myself over others, as if I had some sort of martyr complex. There was a huge feeling of guilt, like I had let others down by not being able to be an emotional punching bag.

However I came to realise that stepping away from those toxic people was a sign of strength, and in no way a slight on my own caring nature. Once I realised I had done nothing wrong by caring about myself first the sense of freedom was incredible! You suddenly feel so light and free from the expectations of those toxic people that have been weighing you down.

My mum describes your emotional wellbeing as a punnet of strawberries. You have to keep an eye on it to avoid any of the strawberries turning furry. If there is a furry strawberry then throw it away, because otherwise it’ll effect the rest of the punnet which is a much harder problem to solve. (She says it more eloquently, but I’m tired so forgive my rambling

)

I don’t know what your situation is my darling, but if you’re asking at all how to step away then you probably need to for your own sake. If you need to chat or want a friend, just message sweetie

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By *heGentleman2024Man
over a year ago

North West

You have to remove yourself from the situation.. you dont have to explain to anyone why..

No contact no nothing.. if it’s not good for you walk away. Toxic people drain the life out of you.. concentrate on number 1 and that’s you...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Toxic once and you’re not a friend. Not there for me in my hour of energy you’re not a friend. Ignore them and erase them from social media - no explanation. It’ll drive them nuts not knowing why which again underlines the reason for doing it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've done it a few times, each time with women who were friends, and friends alone...

One to whom I was really close essentially used me for everything she could get, and in the end, as physically beautiful as she was, she was a very sad and toxic person. Gone and no coming back!

The other was a very close friend for a few decades, to the extend she shared some of the most intense moments of my life. From deaths to child birth. She was a friend, companion, and confident... who one day took it upon herself to tell a new partner of mine every deepest darkest secret that I had, every painful emotion I felt, and damn near destroyed things. I have nothing to do with her either.

It's not easy but your life will be better for it. Mine is.

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

Just delete them from phone /social media and blank them.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Are we talking Fab "friends" or real life friends?

The underlying principle of distancing yourself is the same but here it's far easier to do than in person, here, if you don't feel able to tell them and want to avoid conflict, you can just stop replying to messages or let them fizzle out naturally and aren't in a position where you potentially have to interact with them at all - defriending and blocking are also options open if you feel able.

Real life may be a little more difficult to disentangle yourself and may call for a little more diplomacy and tact, or alternately the full frontal tell them how you feel but once it's done it's done approach. Although dependent on the depth of the friendship you can sometimes just let things fizzle and stop returning their calls or invites for a night out.

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By *rank speakerMan
over a year ago

Worcester

Sorry to intrude on a predominantly lady thread. In my experience girls are much better at staying in touch and remaining close over the years. In a time of crisis they're wonderful and will stick by you where others just fade away into the background? These are the ones you really need to hang onto?

But as so many have said, drop the rest? Good luck with your choices everyone!

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Thank you everyone."

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Depends if you can block then out of your life completely, can be difficult if you say work with them of hand friends in common.

I have done this but it's something I find incredibly stressful. But it is worth it in the long run.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Replace them with someone who isn’t ...

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Drains and Radiators! - Mood Hoovers! - Negative drama llamas!

I hang on to my true ‘radiator‘ friends, they are worth their weight in gold but some I tend to back off and keep at arms length once friendship becomes an issue. Funnily enough it tends to be those I have a clash of personality with..... although some people are better for knowing behind the facade of fab .... as I once discovered

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

It takes a massive amount for me to cut ties with someone, but once they cross that line... snip snip snip, motherfucker.

Honestly, it was worse with family than it was with friends, but I am now surrounded by 99% supporting, loving people who enrich my life (and I'm in the process of cutting contact with that last 1% soul-suckers).

Once you start, you realise that your life is better without that person in it and it becomes easier and easier to set your boundaries and stick to them.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i blank them.

and i mean blank them in everything.

no talking, nothing.

just a mean hard stare

a bit like paddington

Paddington! I'd marry that little bear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't ghost. Ghosting is the behaviour of an arsehole. If you've ever been ghosted by someone that means something to you, you'll know what I mean.

On the other hand, as Jamie wisely pointed out, there's no harm in taking some time out from somebody who's not improving your life. You don't have to disappear from someone's life completely to have them feature less prominently.

I have old friends who I've successfully distanced myself from without making things difficult for our mutuals. I have exes that I'm on better terms with as occasional acquaintances than we ever were as partners. It requires a bit more effort, but it's totally doable.

Only you get to decide how much of your time and energy other people are entitled to.

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By *ady23Woman
over a year ago

Coventry

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Cut contact reduce it to nothing. Life is too short to spend on them. Move on. Keep busy with positive folk instead

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

I had 2 friends like this. I told them personal details of the thing that utterly broke me and they told other people. -I don't know if they just told the other people the 'overview' or the really personal stuff, but I don't trust them anymore.

I just stopped contacting them. When they texted me I told them I was busy or just kept to minimal replies. Didn't take them long to get the message.

I haven't missed them or regretted it. The worst bit was cutting them off.

Good luck OP. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Real ones or fab ones?

Fab ones, be ruthless, most of them don't care and it's not gonna hurt them half as much as they make out. I ditched q few recently and we're all still happy enough. Real ones, be kind but firm and honest, you might even fix things in the process.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If friendship doesn't work in two directions, its not really friendship. Its just being used....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find the ghosting really really hard."

If its a real life person You can do something called a gray rock technique which is basically just make yourself really non responsive and boring, sort of one word answers to everything so they lose interest in trying to wind you up or get a reaction from you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find the ghosting really really hard.

Also works with abusive partners and bullying. Don't react, they get bored and bother someone else. (Hopefully)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Some really interesting ideas here, thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

You are stronger than me. You know your worth and you know it is for your own health and wellbeing. Just be kind to yourself

Love you sister from another Mr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Apparently with great difficulty. Your strong, you've got this and we love you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find the ghosting really really hard.

Also works with abusive partners and bullying. Don't react, they get bored and bother someone else. (Hopefully)"

It is really,really good, and good for if you cant actually tell people to just feck off for whatever reason. Passive but powerful. X

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"... of friends who are just damaging and toxic rather than good for me. How do you do it?

Apparently with great difficulty. Your strong, you've got this and we love you

What she said....

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

I can do it pretty easily, I can’t do with negativity in my life so I just cut it out.

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By *evil-AngelWoman
over a year ago

...

It’s your headspace, if they’re not paying rent then evict them and make room for other people/things that add value. "

I really like this, thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can do it pretty easily, I can’t do with negativity in my life so I just cut it out. "

I can too and have, I probably can more I’ve got older. Struggled more with it when I was younger. Life’s too short for people you don’t trust or who fuck you over. I don’t give second chances anymore.

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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

If a relationship of any kind makes you sad more times than happy It’s time to let go

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

I think I’m very difficult to be friends with. I don’t need or want many people around me and when the black dog rears it’s head I need a lot of time alone. I know my limits and am very upfront with others about how I am, which for some is difficult to understand. But I’m at my best when I put me first. Took a long time to understand that. If something damages you remove it. Don’t look back

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