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Very very mean! | |||
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"Some ladies keep teasing me but leave their backdoors closed
Very very mean!"Derrrrrrr. Pretend to be their faithful kitty and just climb through the catflap. Too easy | |||
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"I've been told I should be more positive in the forum coz you know COVID. Can't I just be myself?" Get your arse on the doorstep of the naysayers. Arm yourself with a megaphone. Lift the letterbox flap and press play on this then walk away..... https://youtu.be/gfkts0u-m6w | |||
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"How can I express my disdain for bottle lids being not put on right, milk being left out over night with lid not on right. Without coming across as a total cunt "Does not compute. Disdain at such acts is well within equal cunt rights. Don't ever feel you need to hide your cuntness. Embrace the cunt you are. | |||
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"I want to be able to eat chocolate without gaining weight, pleaze help!" Come on sweet stuff, the answer is within you. Lucid dreaming. | |||
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"How can I express my disdain for bottle lids being not put on right, milk being left out over night with lid not on right. Without coming across as a total cunt
Does not compute.
Disdain at such acts is well within equal cunt rights. Don't ever feel you need to hide your cuntness. Embrace the cunt you are."Can you please be my PA? I could use an assistant with knowledge like yours | |||
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"Should I mow the lawn or continue with the Cobra Kai marathon on Netflix? I’ve been put with dogs up the field all morning and contemplating having a lazy day. " Given the current climate the lawn will be damp. Hire some goats to chew it short. Lazy day all the way for you with maximum feeding for the billies and a lawn that just needs pooper scooping and flinging over the fence | |||
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"How can I express my disdain for bottle lids being not put on right, milk being left out over night with lid not on right. Without coming across as a total cunt
Does not compute.
Disdain at such acts is well within equal cunt rights. Don't ever feel you need to hide your cuntness. Embrace the cunt you are.
Can you please be my PA? I could use an assistant with knowledge like yours "Too much like thinking | |||
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"I've been told I should be more positive in the forum coz you know COVID. Can't I just be myself? Get your arse on the doorstep of the naysayers. Arm yourself with a megaphone. Lift the letterbox flap and press play on this then walk away..... https://youtu.be/gfkts0u-m6w " 
I have also enjoyed this:
https://youtu.be/JaV0h695BT0
and this https://youtu.be/UrgpZ0fUixs | |||
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"Should I mow the lawn or continue with the Cobra Kai marathon on Netflix? I’ve been put with dogs up the field all morning and contemplating having a lazy day. Given the current climate the lawn will be damp. Hire some goats to chew it short. Lazy day all the way for you with maximum feeding for the billies and a lawn that just needs pooper scooping and flinging over the fence " Flinging over the fence. Hahaha | |||
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"Oh! Oh! Green arrow me "Mwaaahahahahhahaaaa I like it. I can see how I'm gonna be spending the next hour!! | |||
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"Oh! Oh! Green arrow me
Mwaaahahahahhahaaaa I like it.
I can see how I'm gonna be spending the next hour!!"I went from dozing on the sofa to full, upright bitch mode. Can't wait! | |||
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"There’s this one girl, Whenever she walks across the floor she has to step on that one loose floorboard, every single time, like an announcement.... " Fix the fucking floorboard then ya plum! Or loosen all the others so she can play a tune | |||
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"I’m considering a new career as a gigalo after numerous offers. My question is, if I’m just getting bummed as a career is it still ghey?" Oh darling boy, me eating tofu don't make me vegan. As long as they wrap the cash round their cock as they enter you're nothing more than a service provider and Vodafone ain't queerosexuals are they. | |||
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"I’m going to a bbq later and I’ve been asked to bring some gin. Do I bring the good stuff I have or the cheap stuff? " You hide the good stuff in your bag for personal consumption and fill an empty bottle with council pop for them. They'll all be acting pissed up and you still have the cheap stuff at home for emergency use. | |||
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"I’m considering a new career as a gigalo after numerous offers. My question is, if I’m just getting bummed as a career is it still ghey? Oh darling boy, me eating tofu don't make me vegan. As long as they wrap the cash round their cock as they enter you're nothing more than a service provider and Vodafone ain't queerosexuals are they." Jonny cash. I’m going all country and that shizzle  | |||
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"How do I get a gorgeous forumite I have been flirting with to notice me?" Hijack the Goodyear blimp | |||
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"I need someone to plan a 10 day road trip for me. You know, with dates, times, socials, hotels, the works. Where can I find this amazing person???" Meli. She is brain goddess. | |||
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"I’m going to a bbq later and I’ve been asked to bring some gin. Do I bring the good stuff I have or the cheap stuff? You hide the good stuff in your bag for personal consumption and fill an empty bottle with council pop for them. They'll all be acting pissed up and you still have the cheap stuff at home for emergency use." Thank you Auntie P! | |||
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"I’ve got a real conundrum for you Aunt P. I am the owner of 4 different flavours of Jack Daniels. I don’t know which to hit up first and which cocktails to mix from them. (Fire, apple, honey, original) " Alphabetical order of cocktails from the tinterweb. Or start a thread asking for ideas.... could be a popular one and you could make the next mouthwatering discovery of your life | |||
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"Yay, my favourite thread is back! Bit of a puzzler here. I really want the shopping which Mr Tesco (other shops and delivery people are available) has delivered to me to be magically be put away. But I can't be arsed. How to resolve this dilemma? Help me Auntie P, you're my only hope! Mrs TMN x" Love that reference | |||
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"Yay, my favourite thread is back! Bit of a puzzler here. I really want the shopping which Mr Tesco (other shops and delivery people are available) has delivered to me to be magically be put away. But I can't be arsed. How to resolve this dilemma? Help me Auntie P, you're my only hope! Mrs TMN x" There's one way and one way only. Ouijì board and the gift of child sacrifice. You'll have them polterghooosties walloping beans in yer cupboard before you could say boo to a goose. | |||
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"How do I pull hot men at supermarkets? All they seem to care about if they got everything they need in their basket "Ah see, the problem there is the hot men in the supermarkets are there only because they're making things up to the wife. They won't even notice you, they're already planning the next moves of taking the bins out and running her a bath. Divert, divert, divert. Save yourself the confidence blow and get a tub of ice cream to pity eat instead. | |||
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"Yay, my favourite thread is back! Bit of a puzzler here. I really want the shopping which Mr Tesco (other shops and delivery people are available) has delivered to me to be magically be put away. But I can't be arsed. How to resolve this dilemma? Help me Auntie P, you're my only hope! Mrs TMN x There's one way and one way only. Ouijì board and the gift of child sacrifice. You'll have them polterghooosties walloping beans in yer cupboard before you could say boo to a goose." Woooooo... Bang bang clatter... Woooooo... Crash bang bang... Woooooo Thanks, it's working a treat! | |||
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"Yay, my favourite thread is back! Bit of a puzzler here. I really want the shopping which Mr Tesco (other shops and delivery people are available) has delivered to me to be magically be put away. But I can't be arsed. How to resolve this dilemma? Help me Auntie P, you're my only hope! Mrs TMN x There's one way and one way only. Ouijì board and the gift of child sacrifice. You'll have them polterghooosties walloping beans in yer cupboard before you could say boo to a goose. Woooooo... Bang bang clatter... Woooooo... Crash bang bang... Woooooo Thanks, it's working a treat! " Tell Casper just coz he's all grown up now doesn't mean he can willy wangle. Dirty bastard | |||
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"Auntie P I (Mr Furvert) cannot for the life of me decide on what to get Mrs Furvert for Christmas. She really needs a dildo rack to keep her extensive collection tidy and in order and prevent me from twisting my ankle on "double end Dylan" when I get out of bed in the morning but I am worried that she might prefer something else. Can you help Auntie P?" Lemon squeezey. Expand the rack idea. A whole wardrobe dedicated to sordid delights and some new friends for Dylan (get one personalised and engraved too) No more ankle twisting for you, and a plethora of perversion for her which you'll also reap the rewards of. Jackpot Oh, and don't forget something non pervy but exquisitely romantic | |||
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"Auntie P! So good to see you back. I need advice which I shall most certainly take and damn the consequences. My neighbour has been in his garden sneezing loudly for the last hour and a half. It's damn annoying and is ruining my elegant thoughts. What shall I do? " OK, you remember gladiators? You remember making elastic band balls as a kid? What you do is this. Get a cotton bud and many elastic bands. From the small cotton bud groweth man size gladiator style pugil sticks. You ram those cunts right up his snotter with enough force he ends up in the next village. It should stop him sneezing, and if it doesn't it'll take him a fair while to walk back giving you some respite from his inconsiderate snout. | |||
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"Whenever I have a pee the end of my tally whacker keeps dipping in the water of the toilet, do you think I should start to pee stood up or carry on sitting down and just get on with it " Get the cat in the hat round with his buddies thing 1 and thing 2. They can build you a toilet as tall as the Eifell Tower = no more helmet dunking accidents | |||
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"Auntie P! So good to see you back. I need advice which I shall most certainly take and damn the consequences. My neighbour has been in his garden sneezing loudly for the last hour and a half. It's damn annoying and is ruining my elegant thoughts. What shall I do? OK, you remember gladiators? You remember making elastic band balls as a kid? What you do is this. Get a cotton bud and many elastic bands. From the small cotton bud groweth man size gladiator style pugil sticks. You ram those cunts right up his snotter with enough force he ends up in the next village. It should stop him sneezing, and if it doesn't it'll take him a fair while to walk back giving you some respite from his inconsiderate snout." I'm totally on it.... I'll let you know how it goes 
You'll be my one phone call | |||
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"Auntie P! So good to see you back. I need advice which I shall most certainly take and damn the consequences. My neighbour has been in his garden sneezing loudly for the last hour and a half. It's damn annoying and is ruining my elegant thoughts. What shall I do? OK, you remember gladiators? You remember making elastic band balls as a kid? What you do is this. Get a cotton bud and many elastic bands. From the small cotton bud groweth man size gladiator style pugil sticks. You ram those cunts right up his snotter with enough force he ends up in the next village. It should stop him sneezing, and if it doesn't it'll take him a fair while to walk back giving you some respite from his inconsiderate snout. I'm totally on it.... I'll let you know how it goes
You'll be my one phone call"I'm gonna deny all knowledge.... just so ya know  | |||
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"Auntie P! So good to see you back. I need advice which I shall most certainly take and damn the consequences. My neighbour has been in his garden sneezing loudly for the last hour and a half. It's damn annoying and is ruining my elegant thoughts. What shall I do? OK, you remember gladiators? You remember making elastic band balls as a kid? What you do is this. Get a cotton bud and many elastic bands. From the small cotton bud groweth man size gladiator style pugil sticks. You ram those cunts right up his snotter with enough force he ends up in the next village. It should stop him sneezing, and if it doesn't it'll take him a fair while to walk back giving you some respite from his inconsiderate snout. I'm totally on it.... I'll let you know how it goes
You'll be my one phone call
I'm gonna deny all knowledge.... just so ya know "Don't blame you | |||
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"Is it time for me to retire from swinging." I've had sex with one person in almost 2 years. I think you're batting average is higher than mine and still wanting to have sex, again, that's more positive than mine. I would say when the fun stops, stop. But I'm hardly the posterchild for that. So, do what I do. Swing alone! You can have bedroom parties, and it's great because nobody runs off crying, nobody forces themselves on you or makes you feel uncomfortable, there's nobody better looking than you there, you're in total control of the music, mood and atmosphere. If you wanna get pissed you can and you won't embarrass yourself and you can go to bed when you are tired without feeling the need to stay up and be a great host. Parties for 1 are so underrated. | |||
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"I'm bored. What should I put on my profile that will attract men to mail me? ""Full balls? I'm your lady" "Open inbox, open legs" "I won't read your messages, please be respectful and leave my inbox alone" Or you could simply look at their profile without using ninja mode, that's a surefire way to let them know you wanna fuck them. Or you could simply message "Hi" and they'll be chomping at the bit. | |||
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"Dear Aunty Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I find myself more and more holding back on advice as I find that people asking for advice simply want an excuse for their appalling behaviour and a reason for not owning it or taking responsibility or attempting to change. Also I am pretty direct if I feel it helps ..... but im supposed to go ...... awwwwwwwwwwwww sweety awwwwwwww ahhhhhhhhh gimme a cuddly wuddly. Now kind words and cuddly wuddlies help I know ... but sound advice helps more. So Aunty Peeeeeeeeeeeee why do I hold back ? " Because deep down you have a good heart Crumpster. You have that little voice in the back of your head that wonders "what if I really am the only fucker that listens? What if I tell them the no holds barred truth and they, in their time of turmoil go and do something daft?" You can absolutely be firm but fair, honest yet respectful with your responses. But don't forget you're also allowed to say "*sigh* this is getting too much for me deal with, I want to help but until you start owning your shit, seeking a forward motion and do some self analysis we're stuck in a loop-de-loop and going nowhere. I want to help but can't until you make plans to help yourself" Or you could splat them with a custard pie that explodes and rains dog turds upon their brow | |||
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"Why, if I'm staying at home for the foreseeable future, does my hair turn out perfectly when I blow dry it but if I'm going out it looks like a haystack on my head? " Hahahahahahahahaa! There once was a man named Sod. He was a bit of a dick and always made things turn out wonky donkey. If you dibbed, you should have dabbed, if you waited you should have gone, if you left early, you ended up late. Sod was a tricksy fucker who messed things up for people. Instead of leaving the cunt to rest in peace, they created a law in his honour, and one that still stands to this day | |||
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"I'm bored. What should I put on my profile that will attract men to mail me?
"Full balls? I'm your lady"
"Open inbox, open legs"
"I won't read your messages, please be respectful and leave my inbox alone"
Or you could simply look at their profile without using ninja mode, that's a surefire way to let them know you wanna fuck them.
Or you could simply message "Hi" and they'll be chomping at the bit.
"Updated! Made a slight change because my balls are full so my brain stopped working.
I want them chomping at my bit | |||
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"How do I pull hot men at supermarkets? All they seem to care about if they got everything they need in their basket
Ah see, the problem there is the hot men in the supermarkets are there only because they're making things up to the wife. They won't even notice you, they're already planning the next moves of taking the bins out and running her a bath.
Divert, divert, divert.
Save yourself the confidence blow and get a tub of ice cream to pity eat instead."Thanks Aunty P... besides I learnt how to make healthy and unhealthy ice-cream... who needs a man, right? | |||
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"been a while folks. Hope you're all well. The time has come for me to get back in the saddle, of this part at least. So... what's doing your fruit in? Who's gears have been grinding? Someone licked your lollypop and put it back in the wrapper? Get the answers to your worldy woes right here. Sharing is caring and all that tripe Please note: if you take any advice given, you're a fucking moron and may well end up on holiday at the pleasure of Maj. " Love these posts OP  | |||
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"I'm bored. What should I put on my profile that will attract men to mail me?
"Full balls? I'm your lady"
"Open inbox, open legs"
"I won't read your messages, please be respectful and leave my inbox alone"
Or you could simply look at their profile without using ninja mode, that's a surefire way to let them know you wanna fuck them.
Or you could simply message "Hi" and they'll be chomping at the bit.
Updated! Made a slight change because my balls are full so my brain stopped working.
I want them chomping at my bit "OMFG you really have  you legend!!!! | |||
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"How do I pull hot men at supermarkets? All they seem to care about if they got everything they need in their basket
Ah see, the problem there is the hot men in the supermarkets are there only because they're making things up to the wife. They won't even notice you, they're already planning the next moves of taking the bins out and running her a bath.
Divert, divert, divert.
Save yourself the confidence blow and get a tub of ice cream to pity eat instead.
Thanks Aunty P... besides I learnt how to make healthy and unhealthy ice-cream... who needs a man, right? "Winner winner lonely dinner | |||
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"been a while folks. Hope you're all well. The time has come for me to get back in the saddle, of this part at least. So... what's doing your fruit in? Who's gears have been grinding? Someone licked your lollypop and put it back in the wrapper? Get the answers to your worldy woes right here. Sharing is caring and all that tripe Please note: if you take any advice given, you're a fucking moron and may well end up on holiday at the pleasure of Maj. Love these posts OP "There were many more before this one. I did it at least once a month for a good while. Just felt strange starting it back up again from this profile but..... I can't move forward if I'm stuck in the same place, and the advice line was very much me and mine. I'm taking it back and letting it roll | |||
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Yours sincerely,
Anonymous | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, I've got more issues than Vogue! But I don't feel like sharing at the mo' However... Reading this thread has turned my frown upside down
Yours sincerely,
Anonymous "Type the thread title into the forum search bar. There are loads more | |||
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"been a while folks. Hope you're all well. The time has come for me to get back in the saddle, of this part at least. So... what's doing your fruit in? Who's gears have been grinding? Someone licked your lollypop and put it back in the wrapper? Get the answers to your worldy woes right here. Sharing is caring and all that tripe Please note: if you take any advice given, you're a fucking moron and may well end up on holiday at the pleasure of Maj. Love these posts OP
There were many more before this one. I did it at least once a month for a good while. Just felt strange starting it back up again from this profile but..... I can't move forward if I'm stuck in the same place, and the advice line was very much me and mine. I'm taking it back and letting it roll "Keep going + the vids. Its amazing and i think we all agree. | |||
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Also do good things come in small packages? | |||
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"Hey lovely lady. I hope you're doing well.. Sadly I don't think there is any solution to the fight between head and heart, only time and cold turkey. However, if you have any good cold and flu remedies I'd appreciate those x" I don't, but maybe a turkey dinner would help. You could punch it in the chuff bum whilst stuffing it and pretend it's the spunk dribble that's twisted your melon. Kapow wobble necked nobhead | |||
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"Dearest Aunty P I have a dilemma... I've not had sex for so long now a funny kinda psychosis is taking over where I'm not only imagining fucking every sexy girl I see but also inanimate objects too. Last night I dreamt I was shagging a blackcurrent flavoured Locket throat sweet!! Its driving me menthol...
Also do good things come in small packages? "
Stay away from the vacuum cleaner!
It's been a while since I looked household objects or people with the "GET IN MY FANNY" thoughts.
I welcome those days back.
Some good things do.
Some bad things do. I mean ricin ain't huge but can cause all kinds of problems and it ain't something I want through my letterbox | |||
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Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay | |||
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What if there are moths up there? Or bats...I have visions of that scene in The Goonies where all the bats fly out of the fireplace  | |||
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"I want to control minds so that I can get them to ignore my profile !" You must be talking about men. It ain't their mind that needs controlling, it's their willy brain. Castration is the only answer | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have carnal urges that I want to satisfy, and a more-than-willing-and-able gent here to satisfy them. But my vagina and bum have a sick note. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay "You follow the doctors advice or I'll fill a sock with snooker balls and crush the willing-and-able gents scrote and he will no longer be Abel and may need a Cane. Go have a bath if you're allowed, and decide what you're having for tea. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I haven't had sex for nearly 6 months thanks to this blooming virus, and I'm hoping to get lucky soon. Have you got any tips to check that my lady parts haven't broken before I get down to the nitty gritty? I mean, my car needed some welding after not being driven for a while...is fangina welding a thing??!?
What if there are moths up there? Or bats...I have visions of that scene in The Goonies where all the bats fly out of the fireplace " as long as the lucky fella ain't wielding a set of pincers of death you should be OK.
I mean, I'm sure he'll be understanding if some spidercobs (that's my new name for cobwebs. Dead cute, my Romanian friend got mixed up with spiderwebs and cobwebs and called them spidercobs)
Anyway, I'm sure he will understand if any spidercobs fall out your fanj. Let's be honest tho, it's probably close to healed over now so not much chance of anything getting in or falling out. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have carnal urges that I want to satisfy, and a more-than-willing-and-able gent here to satisfy them. But my vagina and bum have a sick note. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay
You follow the doctors advice or I'll fill a sock with snooker balls and crush the willing-and-able gents scrote and he will no longer be Abel and may need a Cane.
Go have a bath if you're allowed, and decide what you're having for tea."There's a theme today, Aunty P
No baths yet  | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have carnal urges that I want to satisfy, and a more-than-willing-and-able gent here to satisfy them. But my vagina and bum have a sick note. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay
You follow the doctors advice or I'll fill a sock with snooker balls and crush the willing-and-able gents scrote and he will no longer be Abel and may need a Cane.
Go have a bath if you're allowed, and decide what you're having for tea.
There's a theme today, Aunty P
No baths yet "In that case, what's for tea? I'm getting the rumbly tums | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have carnal urges that I want to satisfy, and a more-than-willing-and-able gent here to satisfy them. But my vagina and bum have a sick note. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay
You follow the doctors advice or I'll fill a sock with snooker balls and crush the willing-and-able gents scrote and he will no longer be Abel and may need a Cane.
Go have a bath if you're allowed, and decide what you're having for tea.
There's a theme today, Aunty P
No baths yet
In that case, what's for tea? I'm getting the rumbly tums "Errrrr we'll have to get back to you on that | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have carnal urges that I want to satisfy, and a more-than-willing-and-able gent here to satisfy them. But my vagina and bum have a sick note. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Vay-jayjay says not tod-ay
You follow the doctors advice or I'll fill a sock with snooker balls and crush the willing-and-able gents scrote and he will no longer be Abel and may need a Cane.
Go have a bath if you're allowed, and decide what you're having for tea.
There's a theme today, Aunty P
No baths yet
In that case, what's for tea? I'm getting the rumbly tums
Errrrr we'll have to get back to you on that "OK, I'm not a fan of eating past 8pm tho unless it's genitals so..... | |||
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"Welcome back Auntie P xxxxx "Cheers cocka | |||
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"I'm bored. What should I put on my profile that will attract men to mail me?
"Full balls? I'm your lady"
"Open inbox, open legs"
"I won't read your messages, please be respectful and leave my inbox alone"
Or you could simply look at their profile without using ninja mode, that's a surefire way to let them know you wanna fuck them.
Or you could simply message "Hi" and they'll be chomping at the bit.
Updated! Made a slight change because my balls are full so my brain stopped working.
I want them chomping at my bit
OMFG you really have you legend!!!!"I took your advice Aunty P. My boredness was made less boring. Changed it to something less enticing now, because having 3 messages in 24 hours overwhelmed me. | |||
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