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"I pretty much have a great family except my 2 boys are always up in arms. One hurt the other who just won't let it go so he always tries to make amends for past indiscretions and it doesn't work. Everything just gets brought back up. Arguments turn to threats. My one son lives here I am always in the middle of it. I feel like leaving home....it is properly doing my head in. It was a good day today and now well... not so much. I am at my wits end! What the hell can you do with 2 grown men who will just not leave it alone! Now it's totally getting me down! Anyone else had that same kind of experience and how was it resolved! Anyone else have such bad feeling with a close family member and how do avoid it kicking off? It's not as if they can really avoid each other!" 2 grown men?? Sort it out by telling them that they are big enough to have their own place. Time to move on | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. " Do they know how you feel? | |||
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"I pretty much have a great family except my 2 boys are always up in arms. One hurt the other who just won't let it go so he always tries to make amends for past indiscretions and it doesn't work. Everything just gets brought back up. Arguments turn to threats. My one son lives here I am always in the middle of it. I feel like leaving home....it is properly doing my head in. It was a good day today and now well... not so much. I am at my wits end! What the hell can you do with 2 grown men who will just not leave it alone! Now it's totally getting me down! Anyone else had that same kind of experience and how was it resolved! Anyone else have such bad feeling with a close family member and how do avoid it kicking off? It's not as if they can really avoid each other!" Sit them down and read them the riot act and tell them they're making you ill Set strict rules so they can't say you never told me that. Your home your rules and if they don't like it they can leave NOW Bang out of order and they're behaving like babies and hurting the person they should love most | |||
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"Unfortunately I thinknyou are going to have to tell them that they need to talk and sort it out as it's not fair that you are being put in the middle!! Can I ask if the son that moved back it the one that was hurt or did the hurting? " He was the hurt one and is the most unreasonable, I can see why. The other is always trying to communicate with him and it just winds him up and then off we go again? | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. Do they know how you feel?" They do and once the drama has passed I know they feel bad for me. Once caught up in the arguing everything goes out of the window? | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. " Feel your pain not quite as bad mostly bitch fighting as 21 year old was all I had left till the 26 year old daughter moved back after split with her bf! I thought ohh o peace shattered again! With them its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other! I try stay out of it unless it gets real heated ! X | |||
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"I pretty much have a great family except my 2 boys are always up in arms. One hurt the other who just won't let it go so he always tries to make amends for past indiscretions and it doesn't work. Everything just gets brought back up. Arguments turn to threats. My one son lives here I am always in the middle of it. I feel like leaving home....it is properly doing my head in. It was a good day today and now well... not so much. I am at my wits end! What the hell can you do with 2 grown men who will just not leave it alone! Now it's totally getting me down! Anyone else had that same kind of experience and how was it resolved! Anyone else have such bad feeling with a close family member and how do avoid it kicking off? It's not as if they can really avoid each other!" I don’t really have any advice for you but sending you big hugs It does sound like they’ve got a lot of issues Amongst themselves which needs to be looked into but that is on them. They’re adults now Maybe counselling? | |||
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"Unfortunately I thinknyou are going to have to tell them that they need to talk and sort it out as it's not fair that you are being put in the middle!! Can I ask if the son that moved back it the one that was hurt or did the hurting? He was the hurt one and is the most unreasonable, I can see why. The other is always trying to communicate with him and it just winds him up and then off we go again?" Unfortunately I think you are going to have to have a heart to heart with him and say that while you don't want to take sides this has to stop. He may not forgive him but they need to be able to communicate civilly enough to be around one another especially for family events etc as its unfair for him to essentially choose not to have your other son in the house if you want. And grandkids etc? Creates a bad atmosphere for them also. Really hope it sorts out soon for you | |||
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"Screaming and shouting to stop the screaming and shouting isn't ever going to work. Communication all round needs working on. Tell them (either together or seperately) calmly and clearly how their arguments make you feel. Tell them you aren't willing to be stuck in the middle and they need to sort themselves out. Or they need to accept that they are never going to be bosom buddies , but they do have to behave like adults. Good luck OP " This ?? | |||
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"Cry in front of them. Show them exactly how they make you feel. If they don’t react with remorse to seeing they have caused you such upset and vow to change their ways then throw them out and tell them both their not welcome back until they deal with their differences. Highlight your love for them but leave them in no doubt as to the way they make you feel. " I actually feel like crying...maybe they should physically see it. I know that they love me and don't want to hurt me but they are. | |||
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"Our son and daughter are no longer close. We have basically made it clear that it's their problem to sort out or not. Sometimes even adult children need to know that that if they've made a mess they need to clear it up. Would your sons expect you to mediate or get involved in any of their other relationships?" I'm not desperately close to my siblings. My parents haven't intervened (well, occasionally they'll complain that we're distant from each other*) but they'd not be out of place to say "keep it civil in front of me/ in my house". * Mum/ Dad complaining that I'm not bosom buddies with Brother/ Sister isn't going to make it so... | |||
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"Quite frankly at 30+ you tell them to stop if or fuck off. " What he said | |||
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"Hugs....agree with some above..they need to understand your feelings in all this and how it affects you...respect. stay calm " I really need and want to stay calm but there have been times that to be heard i too have shouted and it doesn't feel good x | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace." I gratefully accepting your hug. I do need to find a way through to them both. Thanks for the advice x | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace." This is excellent advice | |||
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"Have you sat them down individually and told them the negative impact it is having on you? " I have done and an uneasy truce is held but not for long. They will both come up to me separately and say sorry mom but x y z | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace. This is excellent advice " It is and I may have to do this. It really is worth a try. | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace. This is excellent advice It is and I may have to do this. It really is worth a try." There is something more stark about the written word. You will have taken time over it, chosen your words in a particular way, and it's there "on record" in a way a verbal interactions are not. | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace. This is excellent advice It is and I may have to do this. It really is worth a try. There is something more stark about the written word. You will have taken time over it, chosen your words in a particular way, and it's there "on record" in a way a verbal interactions are not. " The fact I've even written a letter would indicate how serious this is for me and won't be lost on them. | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace. This is excellent advice It is and I may have to do this. It really is worth a try. There is something more stark about the written word. You will have taken time over it, chosen your words in a particular way, and it's there "on record" in a way a verbal interactions are not. The fact I've even written a letter would indicate how serious this is for me and won't be lost on them." Do it.. So sorry that you are even having to consider this x | |||
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"Massive hugs Annabelle. This parenting malarkey really is such hard work and can be very wearing, upsetting and emotionally draining. Could you try writing an individual letter to each of them explaining how you feel? Tell them how much it hurts and you can't stand back and watch them tearing shreds off each other. That it's immensely hurting you and it needs to stop. Life is too short for upset. Hopefully it may hit home with them when they read it in black and white, and when they aren't arguing. Tell them to go to a quiet place alone and read it and absorb what you say. I hope you get some peace. This is excellent advice It is and I may have to do this. It really is worth a try. There is something more stark about the written word. You will have taken time over it, chosen your words in a particular way, and it's there "on record" in a way a verbal interactions are not. The fact I've even written a letter would indicate how serious this is for me and won't be lost on them. Do it.. So sorry that you are even having to consider this x" Thanks hun much appreciated..truly xx | |||
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"I pretty much have a great family except my 2 boys are always up in arms. One hurt the other who just won't let it go so he always tries to make amends for past indiscretions and it doesn't work. Everything just gets brought back up. Arguments turn to threats. My one son lives here I am always in the middle of it. I feel like leaving home....it is properly doing my head in. It was a good day today and now well... not so much. I am at my wits end! What the hell can you do with 2 grown men who will just not leave it alone! Now it's totally getting me down! Anyone else had that same kind of experience and how was it resolved! Anyone else have such bad feeling with a close family member and how do avoid it kicking off? It's not as if they can really avoid each other!" Bells ringing loudly here. You're not alone!!! | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. Do they know how you feel? They do and once the drama has passed I know they feel bad for me. Once caught up in the arguing everything goes out of the window?" This is the issue to me. Without wanting to be unkind it shows a lack of respect for you. People manage to behave at work without losing their temper (most anyway) but then somehow can't at home with their 'loved ones'? Their concern for you and their guilt at how they make you feel isn't enough to make them control their behavoir. That is a result of learning that they can get away with it, and a selfish disregard for your feelings. As others have said above, show them the door. You have clearly been there to offer help to the one who has split up, he should rspect that help and respect you for it. Hard though it is to turn your kids away, they aren't children and need to learn that certain behaviours have consequences. Really hope that doesn't come across as unkind, but no one should be made to feel as you do in their own home as a result of having the kindness to help Mr | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. Do they know how you feel? They do and once the drama has passed I know they feel bad for me. Once caught up in the arguing everything goes out of the window? This is the issue to me. Without wanting to be unkind it shows a lack of respect for you. People manage to behave at work without losing their temper (most anyway) but then somehow can't at home with their 'loved ones'? Their concern for you and their guilt at how they make you feel isn't enough to make them control their behavoir. That is a result of learning that they can get away with it, and a selfish disregard for your feelings. As others have said above, show them the door. You have clearly been there to offer help to the one who has split up, he should rspect that help and respect you for it. Hard though it is to turn your kids away, they aren't children and need to learn that certain behaviours have consequences. Really hope that doesn't come across as unkind, but no one should be made to feel as you do in their own home as a result of having the kindness to help Mr" It is only in this way that things are a little tough at the moment. Just lately a bit more often than ever. They are respectful people and kids. We are very close as a family and We will figure it out. Or I am going to bash their heads together! | |||
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"Unfortunately if this has been going on for so long and they are now in their 30s the behavior will be so ingrained that it's unlikely to change. I think your only route is to spell out to them clearly that when they are together in your house they must be civil, otherwise you will kick them both out - don't show favoritism they are adults and equally to blame. You also have to be prepared to carry out the threat otherwise they will just carry on and keep apologizing after the event. " I think you are right! | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. " It's funny how that works but so true! | |||
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"Unfortunately if this has been going on for so long and they are now in their 30s the behavior will be so ingrained that it's unlikely to change. I think your only route is to spell out to them clearly that when they are together in your house they must be civil, otherwise you will kick them both out - don't show favoritism they are adults and equally to blame. You also have to be prepared to carry out the threat otherwise they will just carry on and keep apologizing after the event. I think you are right! " Glad we had this chat....thanks | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true!" Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true! Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this " It's our secret! It's.good to know he's got your back at the end of the day. Just behave yourselves when at moms | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true! Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this It's our secret! It's.good to know he's got your back at the end of the day. Just behave yourselves when at moms " Don’t know if he has mine .. but I got his .. | |||
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"With family we tend to forgive them for most things because we love them and fear we will lose them. Unfortunately this sometimes gives people carte blanche to walk all over you knowing that they can act how they want and you will, ultimately, accept it. It's a big step and you have to be prepared that they could fall out with you and not see you again. This happened to me and my mum. I couldn't take her behaviour any more and laid the law down. She didn't play along and I've not seen her since. However, I am so happy about this as I couldn't take her behaviour any more. I would have loved her to change but at least now I enjoy getting up each day." Sorry it didn't work out with your mom. We are not at this stage and we will work on things so this can never happen. It is painful to cut someone out of your life...but sometimes necessary x | |||
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"Tell them that you don't want whatever happened between them spoken about in your house anymore. If you need to tell them why. If they can't do that for you is tell the one that lives with you he'll have to find somewhere else to live. Bloody kids eh, does it ever stop?!! The thought of my 3 all living here in their 30's is quite scary!" It's more bickering like they were young kids... with the potential to escalate Only 1 lives here he has just moved back after the end of a very long relationship. But yes..bloody kids eh! | |||
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"Have no words of wisdom as my family is weird. Sending love and hugs though xx " I appreciate that Hope thank you..my family is weird to in its way. Hugs and love nicely received xx | |||
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"I pretty much have a great family except my 2 boys are always up in arms. One hurt the other who just won't let it go so he always tries to make amends for past indiscretions and it doesn't work. Everything just gets brought back up. Arguments turn to threats. My one son lives here I am always in the middle of it. I feel like leaving home....it is properly doing my head in. It was a good day today and now well... not so much. I am at my wits end! What the hell can you do with 2 grown men who will just not leave it alone! Now it's totally getting me down! Anyone else had that same kind of experience and how was it resolved! Anyone else have such bad feeling with a close family member and how do avoid it kicking off? It's not as if they can really avoid each other!" Why not copy and print out your original post from here and put an (identical) covering note onto it for each of them. Tell them you were so upset and worried for your own health that you posted this in an online chat room (obviously don’t say which site!! ) Tell them the majority of the replies were saying they should be shown the door if they don’t grow up and think about your feelings as well as their own feud. You don’t want to do that - but it’s feeling like the only way. And you just need to try one last time to make them realise how much their behaviour is upsetting you.... You never know... the fact you’ve come online and shared this might wake them up to how selfish they are being. The original post doesnt indicate any favouritism for one son over the other... Sending love and hugs anyhow... let us know how things go. Dan xxx | |||
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"I'm probably no help when it comes to family issues, but you know im here for you if you want to talk. And cuddles are always available. Xxxxxxxx" Chunky me old mukka...I know, I can always count on you xxxxx | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true! Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this It's our secret! It's.good to know he's got your back at the end of the day. Just behave yourselves when at moms Don’t know if he has mine .. but I got his .. " He may not admit it but I bet he has x | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true! Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this It's our secret! It's.good to know he's got your back at the end of the day. Just behave yourselves when at moms Don’t know if he has mine .. but I got his .. He may not admit it but I bet he has x" Well he better or there’s gonna be trouble .. | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you?" I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. | |||
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"One thing is however much they are at war with one another .. they’ll always look out for each other .. It's funny how that works but so true! Sibling rivalry matches sibling love .. though I don’t see eye to eye with mine ... I gotta say I love him to bits .. just aswell he can’t read this It's our secret! It's.good to know he's got your back at the end of the day. Just behave yourselves when at moms Don’t know if he has mine .. but I got his .. He may not admit it but I bet he has x Well he better or there’s gonna be trouble .. " Just not at your moms | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to." This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x " I agree with you. The power of communication is so underestimated. World would be a better place if we communicated better. We sometimes fail to understand before being understood. | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x " I kmow and they would never really want to hurt me. Thanks Sours x | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x I agree with you. The power of communication is so underestimated. World would be a better place if we communicated better. We sometimes fail to understand before being understood." Calm communication..no taking sides and meaning exactly what I say...it's the only way forward. | |||
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"Xxxxxxx x" | |||
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"Xxxxxxx x " Xx | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x I agree with you. The power of communication is so underestimated. World would be a better place if we communicated better. We sometimes fail to understand before being understood. Calm communication..no taking sides and meaning exactly what I say...it's the only way forward." Good luck. | |||
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"I'm really sorry to hear that you've been dragged into the middle of all of that. I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid, my sister and I argue much like that and anything more than superficial small talk and we're back at it Our parents did both make it very clear though that they weren't going to take sides and that they didn't want to have to juggle only having one of us in the house to visit at a time so we weren't to fight while we're visiting, so they don't have to get dragged into it. Is that something you could do?" If that's as good as gets then yes....I would eventually like more. But may have to let it be what it is. Sorry to hear about you and your sister. I have 3 and would hate to be in that situation x | |||
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"It's awful to be in that situation. Have you tried sitting them both down and putting some sense into them? Do they know how it's impacting you? I am going to make sure I'm heard loud and clear. Maybe they don't realise how much but they are going to. This could be just what they need... the short sharp truth of how it makes you feel, no one likes to see their mam hurting and even more so be the cause of it I hope you get it sorted x I kmow and they would never really want to hurt me. Thanks Sours x " .... that’s it, it’s not intentional they might just not realise they are xx | |||
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"Fuckin hell 30 and still stressin their mum out they aint done no growing up lmao" Mummy's boys | |||
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"Fuckin hell 30 and still stressin their mum out they aint done no growing up lmao Mummy's boys " Aint we all | |||
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"Fuckin hell 30 and still stressin their mum out they aint done no growing up lmao Mummy's boys Aint we all " | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? " Shes asleep | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? Shes asleep " Poor lady. She needs rest. | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? Shes asleep Poor lady. She needs rest. " Shes amazing xxx | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? Shes asleep Poor lady. She needs rest. Shes amazing xxx" She seems amazing. | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? Shes asleep Poor lady. She needs rest. Shes amazing xxx She seems amazing. " As are you both and thanks that was nice to wake up to xxxxxxxx | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? " I haven't made my move as yet. All is quiet and peaceful I'm very happy to report | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. " I agree with the advice that noise doesn’t remove other noise. Keep calm and speak softly and tell them to both fuck off u til they grow up. Explain calmly that they are breaking your heart and you would rather not have them in your house than live with the current atmosphere. | |||
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"Thanks guys. I really am at my wits end. They are both in their 30's. The youngest has just moved back after a bad break up after a long relationship. I am sick of being in the middle. It doesn’t take much for it to escalate and I really can see fighting breaking out! It's wearing me down and making me feel really down. " 30...omg....tell them to go....they are old enough to live on their own..... | |||
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"Annabelle, did you sort those boys out yet? I haven't made my move as yet. All is quiet and peaceful I'm very happy to report " Great to hear. Next time time they act up, you know what to do. The whole fab community is behind you. | |||
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