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How many men can relate to this

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By *i015 OP   Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton

You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

the land of BOBFOC x

I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you are ok OP. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep.... certainly here over the years when ive been through tougher times

Although i dont think its just confined to the men! We all have oir problems and deal wirh them in different ways!

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By *ribsaMan
over a year ago

A box at end of your bed

Yes I have been there many times.

Think my worst was during my divorce and suspect that goes for most that have been through that experience especially if children are involved.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

It's good to talk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Eloquently put OP. Hope you’re ok.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been there. Relate to all you have said.

X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last few weeks ive found it really hard. Im type bottles up and can't unload. Times i think what's this all about and what is reason to even keep going.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This relates to men, women and children!

Thanks to corruption, coercion and greed in our society!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think we all do. Men and women. I’ve certainly had days where it’s all I can do to hold the tears in. I still do. Sometimes it’s pride, sometimes it’s a fear of being seen to be weak, or being a burden on someone.

When I feel overwhelmed, I make some alone time, and I put on a sad film, and just have a fucking good cry. Let it out. It helps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My inbox is open for anyone who needs a chat. No one should feel alone

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Whilst I think it's good to highlight that the vast majority of men find it hard to talk and need to learn that it is ok not to be ok - as others have said I think much of what you've said applies to all genders, ages etc

The key is being able to talk, and have those that will listen, but also be able to listen yourself - regardless of gender.

Communication is something we all do every day - but good communication is something that many miss or don't do.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"I think we all do. Men and women. I’ve certainly had days where it’s all I can do to hold the tears in. I still do. Sometimes it’s pride, sometimes it’s a fear of being seen to be weak, or being a burden on someone.

When I feel overwhelmed, I make some alone time, and I put on a sad film, and just have a fucking good cry. Let it out. It helps."

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious."

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think sadly a lot of people relate to this. Men and women. But it IS worse for men. 12 men every day in the U.K. thats one every 2 hrs. Let that sink in.

When men express negative emotions a large proportion of society turn their backs. Some don’t, but as most do, we learn to try our best to keep it in. Can’t keep it in indefinitely though.

I think it must have taken a lot of bravery for OP to write this and I respect that.

Thank you.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why? "

I vividly remember trying to comfort my grandfather at my grandmother's funeral. He was crying. I was in primary school.

He pushed me away. He couldn't let me see him cry.

My grandmother had just died fairly quickly and in a pretty horrific way. I'm glad my siblings and cousins remember less than I do, and even at my tender age I wished her out of her misery at the end.

And my grandfather thought he wasn't allowed to be seen to be upset. At his wife's funeral.

It makes me so angry. And sad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why?

I vividly remember trying to comfort my grandfather at my grandmother's funeral. He was crying. I was in primary school.

He pushed me away. He couldn't let me see him cry.

My grandmother had just died fairly quickly and in a pretty horrific way. I'm glad my siblings and cousins remember less than I do, and even at my tender age I wished her out of her misery at the end.

And my grandfather thought he wasn't allowed to be seen to be upset. At his wife's funeral.

It makes me so angry. And sad."

I remember something very similar to this as I was growing up. It just wasn't the in thing for men to show there emotions. Not macho..

Really sad. I think there is nothing wrong in anyway for a mant to show his emotions and express his feelings and to just talk...Hope you are OK OP.x

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By *i015 OP   Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x"

I agree that it affects women as well but most men have difficulty to open up and talk about their problems with other. Men tend to bottle up a lot of their problems.

I find the worst thing that can be said to a guy when he tries to talk about his problems is to "Man Up" and that is the reason most men don't talk about their feelings and problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is true that more males commit suicide then females. Whether females are more resilient I don't know. We all have mega problems at the moment with this virus and yes we are all in it together so they say but some peoples lives are much easier then others. Life is hard for most, how many days of our lives do we have the perfect 10.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Now is this a good thing or should we all be blubbing like babies?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x

I agree that it affects women as well but most men have difficulty to open up and talk about their problems with other. Men tend to bottle up a lot of their problems.

I find the worst thing that can be said to a guy when he tries to talk about his problems is to "Man Up" and that is the reason most men don't talk about their feelings and problem.

"

My ex partner suffered for 7 yrs with mental health issues and all everyone use to say to him was snap out of it or pull yourself together stupid.... I agree it is extremely hard for men 100%

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

For those that need it try this, lots of help, webchats / helplines and links for specific issues

https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

There is also the Samaritans

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"It is true that more males commit suicide then females. Whether females are more resilient I don't know. We all have mega problems at the moment with this virus and yes we are all in it together so they say but some peoples lives are much easier then others. Life is hard for most, how many days of our lives do we have the perfect 10. "

I think women are given more permission to talk, to let their emotions out. I think the taboo is fading, this idea that men can't express a full range of emotions, but it still exists and it still causes real damage to men.

I feel we owe our men and boys better, and I have for as long as I've understood this phenomenon.

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By *each loverMan
over a year ago

Great Yarmouth

Was so glad to see this... To me this Means there are people who understand

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

the land of BOBFOC x


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x

I agree that it affects women as well but most men have difficulty to open up and talk about their problems with other. Men tend to bottle up a lot of their problems.

I find the worst thing that can be said to a guy when he tries to talk about his problems is to "Man Up" and that is the reason most men don't talk about their feelings and problem.

"

I agree that as a society it's not the 'done thing's for men to cry, which is wrong. But its definitely not gender specific. It's a person to person thing, how we are brought up too. Sometimes women feel the need to put on a brave face as well. If we dont act like everything is falling apart then maybe it wont type of mindset x

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By *ick270Man
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

If you haven't you are either a liar, or a narcissistic .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If men need to cry why not, it isn't a sign of great masculinity by hiding all your emotions. That's part of the problem

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"If men need to cry why not, it isn't a sign of great masculinity by hiding all your emotions. That's part of the problem "

But this is what culture teaches so many boys.

We need to change the culture.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why? "

As my dad said to me when my divorce destroyed me... "what do you want to talk to anyone for?"... Great post OP thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love this post. And i hope it helps other men. Because you're supposedly strong and should just suck it up. But you feel the same things women do, but perhaps you cant talk about it, shouldn't talk about it, release it. Then what happens? Who made those rules? Support each other guys x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP thank you for bringing this very important subject to the forefront of our minds.

The Fab community is a fantastic place for help, advice and care shown towards fellow people. With such a vast range of experiences and useful links to professional help and support networks.

My inbox is always available for anyone who needs a chat during difficult times. I am not a trained counsellor but I am a friendly person who listens and quite often that can be all that's needed...to unburden the weight on your mind.

I hope you too are ok OP.

Big cwtches for all

Her x

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why? "

Sadly some that purport to want to change the "big boys don't cry" thing - also promote the notion that "men only do horny, hungry and angry" - perhaps if they accepted that not all men are like either and didn't perpetuate either of those schticks then that would be a good starting point.

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By *hekaiserMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I have had my moments....stuck in rut...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why?

Sadly some that purport to want to change the "big boys don't cry" thing - also promote the notion that "men only do horny, hungry and angry" - perhaps if they accepted that not all men are like either and didn't perpetuate either of those schticks then that would be a good starting point."

I couldn’t agree more fella

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By *martin1001Man
over a year ago

Bromsgrove


"

I think there's a lot we need to do to help ourselves express ourselves emotionally, and cope with what life throws at us.

Society lets men down enormously here. The patriarchy hurts men too. Here it's really obvious.

I agree. In a nutshell ‘big boys don’t cry’ We spend our formative years being actively encouraged to suppress our emotions. And then our adult years being the butt of jokes like ‘men only do horny, hungry and angry’ Gee, I wonder why?

Sadly some that purport to want to change the "big boys don't cry" thing - also promote the notion that "men only do horny, hungry and angry" - perhaps if they accepted that not all men are like either and didn't perpetuate either of those schticks then that would be a good starting point."

I'm horny, hungry, angry, sleepy, grumpy, bashful, sneezy and dopey on a rotating basis (as well as being hung like a dwarf)

In terms of men showing their emotions, it makes me laugh when you watch a UFC fight with two guys or girls beating the living daylights out of each other, and then the one who wins gets all emotional and start crying - are you REALLY going to imply that it's a weakness after just watching do what they do?!?

The real strength is having the emotional security to not really care what other people think about you showing your emotions - easier said than done if you weren't brought up to feel it's ok to cry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been there, its shit

Unfortunately many people including some men on this site thinks it's weakness and you should just get a grip and man up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its not just men that do that ....many a time ive shut myself in my room music on and cried myself silly .my kids are really shocked the few times ive cried in feont of them

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By *icearmsMan
over a year ago

KIDLINGTON

A very good thread op. And very a interesting read. Like many on here I have suffered with mental health and sometimes still do.

Yes I find it hard to talk sometimes, because it's hard for me to show emotion. It's the old put a brave face on scenario. And stems back to parts of my childhood.

I did hit rock bottom once and am ashamed to say I tried to end it all. Looking back now I'm glad I didn't succeed and am grateful to the freinds that got round me and mended me.

If anyone here needs a chat then drop me a line. I wont have all the answers. And i wont judge sometimes it's easier to vent to someone who doesn't know you or have an opinion of you.

Be kind....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to bottle it up then realised that anyone who subscribes to the idea that a lack of emotion equals masculinity doesn’t have the cerebral matter to bother engaging with.

So now I am forthright and honest about what I want and feel.

I let it flow. I’ve never felt better.

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

the land of BOBFOC x


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP "

I don't think my words make sense without an example so I'll be honest and give you my own example:

I once had a silly argument with my wife as she was leaving for work one morning, I actually told her to "fuck off" as she slammed the door and set off in the car. Twenty minutes later she was hit head on by a twat on the wrong side of the road and died, leaving me and our girl who was two at the time. I didn't cry, couldn't cry for ages, more than a year, initially due to shock, but later because I was just "surviving" and focusing on what needed doing, I was managing it in my own time and at a pace I could cope with and I would eventually get to where I needed to be. People would tell me every bloody day that I needed to "let it out", but that's no fucking help when you're dealing with things your own way and you CAN'T let it out because you're not ready, it just makes you feel guilty. These friends and relatives would quite literally be letting it out themselves because I couldn't (how silly is that?) but again that's just their way of dealing with something difficult.... anyway, people deal with life's difficulties differently and that's ok in my opinion. Real men and real women are unique and beautiful....!

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP

I don't think my words make sense without an example so I'll be honest and give you my own example:

I once had a silly argument with my wife as she was leaving for work one morning, I actually told her to "fuck off" as she slammed the door and set off in the car. Twenty minutes later she was hit head on by a twat on the wrong side of the road and died, leaving me and our girl who was two at the time. I didn't cry, couldn't cry for ages, more than a year, initially due to shock, but later because I was just "surviving" and focusing on what needed doing, I was managing it in my own time and at a pace I could cope with and I would eventually get to where I needed to be. People would tell me every bloody day that I needed to "let it out", but that's no fucking help when you're dealing with things your own way and you CAN'T let it out because you're not ready, it just makes you feel guilty. These friends and relatives would quite literally be letting it out themselves because I couldn't (how silly is that?) but again that's just their way of dealing with something difficult.... anyway, people deal with life's difficulties differently and that's ok in my opinion. Real men and real women are unique and beautiful....!

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP

I don't think my words make sense without an example so I'll be honest and give you my own example:

I once had a silly argument with my wife as she was leaving for work one morning, I actually told her to "fuck off" as she slammed the door and set off in the car. Twenty minutes later she was hit head on by a twat on the wrong side of the road and died, leaving me and our girl who was two at the time. I didn't cry, couldn't cry for ages, more than a year, initially due to shock, but later because I was just "surviving" and focusing on what needed doing, I was managing it in my own time and at a pace I could cope with and I would eventually get to where I needed to be. People would tell me every bloody day that I needed to "let it out", but that's no fucking help when you're dealing with things your own way and you CAN'T let it out because you're not ready, it just makes you feel guilty. These friends and relatives would quite literally be letting it out themselves because I couldn't (how silly is that?) but again that's just their way of dealing with something difficult.... anyway, people deal with life's difficulties differently and that's ok in my opinion. Real men and real women are unique and beautiful....!

"

This just made me cry. Xxxxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP

I don't think my words make sense without an example so I'll be honest and give you my own example:

I once had a silly argument with my wife as she was leaving for work one morning, I actually told her to "fuck off" as she slammed the door and set off in the car. Twenty minutes later she was hit head on by a twat on the wrong side of the road and died, leaving me and our girl who was two at the time. I didn't cry, couldn't cry for ages, more than a year, initially due to shock, but later because I was just "surviving" and focusing on what needed doing, I was managing it in my own time and at a pace I could cope with and I would eventually get to where I needed to be. People would tell me every bloody day that I needed to "let it out", but that's no fucking help when you're dealing with things your own way and you CAN'T let it out because you're not ready, it just makes you feel guilty. These friends and relatives would quite literally be letting it out themselves because I couldn't (how silly is that?) but again that's just their way of dealing with something difficult.... anyway, people deal with life's difficulties differently and that's ok in my opinion. Real men and real women are unique and beautiful....!

This just made me cry. Xxxxxxx"

Don't be daft, we're all good now....

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x"

This true but men are at a disproportionate risk of this not taking anything away from women we find harder to talk.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model"

Very true. Men especially need to solve or advise but often the best response is just to support someone enough so that they can do the fixing in their own time and own way.

I ran a retreat for a bunch of outwardly ordinary, successful happily married men , couldn’t believe the stories , everyone one of them was a mess with pressures, demands, fears, failure, guilt, family and finance problems they just bottle in up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah I know what you mean...I keep.a smile to people always a smile and a nice joke...but inside it's all.messed up and wen I'm alone all comes to air ..but better days will come..I'm pretty positive..

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Yeah I know what you mean...I keep.a smile to people always a smile and a nice joke...but inside it's all.messed up and wen I'm alone all comes to air ..but better days will come..I'm pretty positive.."

Just be real. If you feel down for valid reasons show it to those who care about you so they know. Better than being whiny or miserable about the weather or Brexit. We’ve always clicked well with authentic people who experience extreme highs and lows and don’t hide it, rather than mediocre types.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great post op.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is a great post op but I don't think resilience is gender related.

But great post nonetheless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All the time brother

Again... it’s not gender specific though.

It’s a human condition

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yeah I know what you mean...I keep.a smile to people always a smile and a nice joke...but inside it's all.messed up and wen I'm alone all comes to air ..but better days will come..I'm pretty positive..

Just be real. If you feel down for valid reasons show it to those who care about you so they know. Better than being whiny or miserable about the weather or Brexit. We’ve always clicked well with authentic people who experience extreme highs and lows and don’t hide it, rather than mediocre types. "
always real mate but people dont have to take my problems you know...and bout talking to close people all I get is are you in you period??women and men wise..so sometimes it's just better keep it a strong face and happy face..better days will come...but all that said I'm always me real genuine ..

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By *i015 OP   Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton

[Removed by poster at 21/08/20 19:22:42]

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By *i015 OP   Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton


"I almost feel these days that we're told there's only one correct way to deal with our feelings and problems and if we dare to deviate from that then THAT'S when we're not real men. Some ppl need to cry, some need to talk, some need some peace and silence,some a change of scenery, some a best friend, some a stranger, some need to plan, some need a distraction, some can cope on their own some need help, some dare I say even come on and use fab to ease their worries! All of those mechanisms are perfectly ok if they work for the individual! I don't need to bottle it up to be a real man and I also don't need to cry on every occasion either unless I NEED to. I have my own approach, tested by past experience and it works. Over assertive advice and opinion can be quite damaging when you're not confident enough in your own approach because it can often set another new ideal just as harmful as the 'men don't cry" model. If you can't cry then you can't cry and shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about that....

I hope you're ok OP

I don't think my words make sense without an example so I'll be honest and give you my own example:

I once had a silly argument with my wife as she was leaving for work one morning, I actually told her to "fuck off" as she slammed the door and set off in the car. Twenty minutes later she was hit head on by a twat on the wrong side of the road and died, leaving me and our girl who was two at the time. I didn't cry, couldn't cry for ages, more than a year, initially due to shock, but later because I was just "surviving" and focusing on what needed doing, I was managing it in my own time and at a pace I could cope with and I would eventually get to where I needed to be. People would tell me every bloody day that I needed to "let it out", but that's no fucking help when you're dealing with things your own way and you CAN'T let it out because you're not ready, it just makes you feel guilty. These friends and relatives would quite literally be letting it out themselves because I couldn't (how silly is that?) but again that's just their way of dealing with something difficult.... anyway, people deal with life's difficulties differently and that's ok in my opinion. Real men and real women are unique and beautiful....!

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think this affects men and women. We all put a brave face on sometimes while inside we are crumbling x"

Agree..this is not exclusive..there are equal numbers of men and women that hold the home together etc

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By *rouserbulgeMan
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

I’m terrible for bottling it up. Going through a separation currently and it’s hard to put into words how shit it all is. I’ve a couple of friends who are supporting me and it means the world. I’m so lucky to have them to talk to. I’m going to get counselling to which previously I never would have considered in a million years.

Men are terrible for putting on a brave face when everything is turning to shit (this man in particular).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It is true that more males commit suicide then females. Whether females are more resilient I don't know. We all have mega problems at the moment with this virus and yes we are all in it together so they say but some peoples lives are much easier then others. Life is hard for most, how many days of our lives do we have the perfect 10.

I think women are given more permission to talk, to let their emotions out. I think the taboo is fading, this idea that men can't express a full range of emotions, but it still exists and it still causes real damage to men.

I feel we owe our men and boys better, and I have for as long as I've understood this phenomenon."

Couldn't have said it better!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree..I hold stuff inside as I ve learned after major breakdown how to manage it better alone..what I meant earlier is that women are in similar positions. I adapt and overcome alone..the same way I managed my own recovery...as brutal as it was it worked. Problem I found, especially at the level I was at, is that people can t really help or understand unless they ve actually been there...but for all guys out there..talk,talk, talk..let it out alone or otherwise..it needs to come out!!

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By *orbidden eastMan
over a year ago

london dodging electric scooters

You not alone there OP. Sometimes it’s just good to let it all out and do what we have to do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a "friend" who has just told me hes struggling

We're not close or anything like that. In fact we're practically strangers

I've just told him that I'll be here for him if he needs me. I'm not emotionally invested in him so I think I can be objective. I'm also happy to just listen and nothing more.

I hate to see other people struggle and feel like no one wants to hear it. I know exactly how that feels!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

You're not alone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been there got the mental and physical scars

Had intense therapy aswell

I find it sad that statistically suicide is the biggest cause of death in men aged between 20 to 40

I think most see it as a weakness to cry or talk to their family about how they are feeling

Well gents it isn't

If you can't open up to your family find someone that you can talk to

My inbox is always open if anyone needs to vent some steam or just chat about anything that's on their minds

Stay safe people it's a shitty nasty world out there please don't become a statistic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

Yes but to be fair, mental health issues affects everyone.

I urge everyone to talk to someone, I did and was the best thing I did after losing my parents.

Forget the ego bullshit of "pushing it down"...no one is an island.

Just my 2 cents, and my own very humble opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've spent this last year providing a shoulder and ear for struggling work colleagues, male and female. I saw it as my duty as a team lead, and helped many of them through stressful times.

But never has anyone asked how I am, never do they consider whether I'm broken inside too

It's hard for us guys to open up.. And fab does no benefit for the majority of us in need of a boost of endorphins.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've spent this last year providing a shoulder and ear for struggling work colleagues, male and female. I saw it as my duty as a team lead, and helped many of them through stressful times.

But never has anyone asked how I am, never do they consider whether I'm broken inside too

It's hard for us guys to open up.. And fab does no benefit for the majority of us in need of a boost of endorphins."

I think people should grasp whatever forum they can to seek support or offer help, but it’s at best a poor understanding or misconception if men seek to gain anything to boost esteem from a swinging site, or any gender etc, it’s often a short term impact or skewered belief system that creates the wrong things for many as it’s escapism being offered and seen that sex is a holy grail, rather than a result of the right connection etc. Should always be a luxury or bonus really. I think the internet impact has a negative effect and influence for many generations sadly at the moment.

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By *i015 OP   Man
over a year ago

Millbrook, Southampton

It's good to see loads of Fabsters are willing to help others out when they are feeling down, If only there was a way we could all get together and have a coffee/tea and talk as a group ( I know that there are help and support groups out there but most the ones I've looked up seem to be for specific topics/subject/problems not for general talk)

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By *ensualtouch15Man
over a year ago

ashby de la zouch


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

I think what you suggest is a human trait one shared equally by men women and those who have no need to gender identify

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By *arex2Couple
over a year ago

Bradford


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

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By *arex2Couple
over a year ago

Bradford


"You'd be surprised at how many times a man sits in his car, on his bed, in the bathroom, in the living room and holds in his tears because he’s so stressed or lost or confused or hurt or ready to give up...But when he shows his face again he looks perfectly fine, unbothered and he still manages to smile and go about his business like nothing happened... Men are some of the most resilient, overlooked, and in the mind underappreciated to go through so much... You are the glue that holds everything and everyone together, your very presence is power, when you speak it resonates and yet your silence is deafening... in all that you go thru as you fight for not only who you are but who you are striving to be. When you can't win the day, just keep winning the moment!! It starts from the inside out!!! Stay strong Brothers, If it gets too much just talk , you're not the only one!

"

You've just described me to a tee!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes op. All the time. Just know you aren't alone x

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By *irtydanMan
over a year ago

Blackpool


"Yes I have been there many times.

Think my worst was during my divorce and suspect that goes for most that have been through that experience especially if children are involved."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree depression, anxiety, sadness etc are all genuine things that can crush people...BUT... I can't help thinking we sometimes talk about them a little too much, we've almost come to a point where people can think themselves into these states of mind or feel they should be suffering.

We should start promoting mental resilience and teaching people what you think is often what you become, what you surround yourself with is what you absorb.

Rumination is the biggest risk to mental health churning things over and over in your mind, remember you don't always suffer from the past or the future you often suffer from memories and your imagination.

Can I suggest the importance of exercise, a healthy diet cut the booze/drugs out completely if you need to, empower yourself with positivity as often as possible.

I'm not saying it's easy but if you keep chipping away at it and applying consistency I promise you you'll start to see the clouds lift.

If you're feeling bad I really low I suggest you seek professional help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've never felt a man to be more strong than when he's able to open up and let his emotions go. As has been mentioned it's the whole big boys don't cry ethos. All that does is create monsters inside.

I'm in 'the business' and number of men and boys I've worked with who broke down and felt ashamed by it dismay me. It's so easy to put that face on, easy to play a role and feels very hard to be yourself but it's not, try it, it's very liberating and therapeutic and most certainly not weak, no way.

Society is made up of us, you n me, mothers and fathers raising boys to be strong and not show weakness.... Its in our hands to change that.

Power to you guys out there

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