FabSwingers.com forum: Sorry but I have to

By *pal OP Woman
over a year ago

The Bermuda Triangle in Suffolk

Let this out.

My mum passed away almost a week ago,she had dementia and lived in a care home not far from me and developed fluid on her heart before she died.

I never saw her for 28 years because of a decision I made in life

I was cut off from my parents like I didn't exist. It was my dad that made the decision ( he was a very controlling man) and it hurt but I got on with my life.

He died last year of a broken heart (on his own) which made me feel really sad not long after she went into this care home. I didn't go to his funeral as I wasn't invited by my brother who organised it.

They were a couple who did everything together.

It wasn't until I was in my 20's did I realise the mental abuse she went through and never saw her fight back because she didn't want to rock the boat.

Only since her passing have I been able to use the word Mum, Dad and parents, strange but hey.

I have learnt so much in the past week about immediate family I didn't know existed from my nephew my brain can't take much more.

I have been trying to build bridges with my brother and he did ring me last week and it was the first time we had spoken to each other for a really long time.

I will be going to her funeral and it will be very very emotional not because it's her funeral but also not having seen my immediate family for years.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Sorry it's so long but even if no one responds that's ok.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

I can't even begin to empathise with what you're going through, but you've clearly had a lot to take in during a short space of time. I'd say you sound remarkably together, actually

I can well imagine that the funeral will be an emotional time, but just go with it is all I can offer and be kind to yourself x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't relate but an sending

OP x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope it works out for you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I can't relate directly but I do know that when someone dies a lot of past hurt gets brought out.

Go with it, don't blame yourself for things you had no control over.

Sincere condolences to you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am in the boat where I have not spoken to my parents or both my brothers for about 18 years (lost count tbf)

My father is a controlling tyrant man and my mother did as she was told. Is this sounding familiar?

I stood up to him one day (while my mother got between us so he could not be physically violent to me again) while they were guests staying in my home and that was the last straw. They left and we never spoke since. My eldest brother tried the same but was put back in line. My youngest brother is a snivelling parasite so he did not have the balls to stand up to him.

I think they are both alive, as I would find out of not. The difference between us is I do not care. When they die, they will die and it will be one less OAP on this planet.

I hope you though find peace xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you for sharing lovely. I hope you found writing it down cathartic.

So sorry that things turned out the way they did and I hope you can find some relief, release, answers, whatever it is you need.

You have a long complicated road to unravel by the sounds of it and I hope you get the answers and closure you need.

Just please take care of yourself..Inbox open if you feel you need to offload

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inamicMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

Sorry for your losses, life can be cruel at times, hopefully through this awful thing u can finally reconcile with your remaining family. My sincere condolences to you during this time

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can only relate on a very superficial level.

My grandad died last year after a long battle with vascular dementia. Watching his decline over seven years or so was tough.

I also had family issues around twenty years ago that saw me lose touch with my immediate family for a couple of years. In my case, we worked things out and we're on good terms these days.

Like I say, not really comparable to the stuff you've been through, which sounds hellish. You have my sincere sympathy x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ungscotsman26Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Best of luck, hope things work out OP.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have experienced this too and really hope you can may be build a few bridges. I think the majority of us have family problems. I have a younger sister who I no longer talk to and although I love her, I really don't like her as a person and do not want anything to do with her anymore as she is toxic. I'm so sorry you lost your mum and didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Take care x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Parts of it. Big, big hugs OP. This stuff is hard. There's no right answers.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am sorry for your losses. Hopefully you are able to mend the relationship with your brother. I can relate in the sense that a have nothing to do with my father for around 15 years. Thoughts are with you and your family

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Let this out.

My mum passed away almost a week ago,she had dementia and lived in a care home not far from me and developed fluid on her heart before she died.

I never saw her for 28 years because of a decision I made in life

I was cut off from my parents like I didn't exist. It was my dad that made the decision ( he was a very controlling man) and it hurt but I got on with my life.

They were a couple who did everything together.

It wasn't until I was in my 20's did I realise the mental abuse she went through and never saw her fight back because she didn't want to rock the boat.

Only since her passing have I been able to use the word Mum, Dad and parents, strange but hey.

I have learnt so much in the past week about immediate family I didn't know existed from my nephew my brain can't take much more.

I have been trying to build bridges with my brother and he did ring me last week and it was the first time we had spoken to each other for a really long time.

I will be going to her funeral and it will be very very emotional not because it's her funeral but also not having seen my immediate family for years.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Sorry it's so long but even if no one responds that's ok.

Yes I understand what you are going through. Forgive yourself as none of it has been your choice or fault.

Grieving takes time and you have taken the first step to healing yourself.

Reaching out to others and talking about it is the right thing to do - you may decide in the future to seek out a Counsellor - there are lots that you can consult online now and you may find that easier.

Xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s no turning back the clock but this is a chance to make peace with yourself so you can move on and enjoy life. Good luck you and don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t work out with your brother. Sometimes what we share can’t be forgotten.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pal OP Woman
over a year ago

The Bermuda Triangle in Suffolk

Thank you for all the lovely messages, I know none of it is my fault and for years wondered how I would react when I heard the news of their passing. You just never know until it happens. It has hit me a bit harder with my mum because I guess I was a bit closer to her before they cut me off.

I am usually a very private person but today it felt right to release some of my emotions.

Maybe I will get counselling in the future only time will tell but I am more concerned for my brother as he has already tried to take his own life and he knows he needs to get counselling but hopefully he will. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lay 4 uMan
over a year ago

bolton

Such a sad story but hopefully a new chapter in your life now with your family.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending big virtual hugs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rambuie100Man
over a year ago

essex/suffolk border

"Thank you for all the lovely messages, I know none of it is my fault and for years wondered how I would react when I heard the news of their passing. You just never know until it happens. It has hit me a bit harder with my mum because I guess I was a bit closer to her before they cut me off.

I am usually a very private person but today it felt right to release some of my emotions.

Hopefully Its done you good to vent on here. I know its been a rough week for my friend, bless ya. So much coming out the woodwork.

Hope you enjoyed your fish n chips Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

I can relate in a way, with me it was my Grandparents on my dads side,

Dad died 1972, he was 51, kidney failure and he was one of the early ones to have a kidney transplant, shortly after the funeral we went to see my dads mum and dad (me & mum) and we were refused entry to grandparents house.... they opened the window screaming at my mum, it was her fault dad had died, if he hadn't met her he would still be alive... now i know people say things in grief but this went on for years and the things said got more & more hurtful.

needless to say, I didn't grieve when they died, I didn't go to the funeral and never spoke to them again, Mum tried hard but failed,

never told this to anyone before ever.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi OP, I can relate to an extent.

My parents divorced at 8 and then my mum remarried a very difficult man a few years later. As soon as I could leave home, I did, she always took his side and he qas a Nasty piece of work.

I tried over the years, for my mums' sake, but at one point didnt speak to them for several years, it was better for my mental health that way.

When he died, I attended his funeral to support my mum, not to mourn him.

Since I became a mum, mine has tried, in her own way, and although we are very different people still, we muddle through.

I know its a fraction of your situation, but hopefully you can find closure, and open up new possibilities with other family members. Baby steps, and be kind to yourself xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I can relate to parts of your story, didn't speak to my dad for years. And a member of his side passed away without me seeing them for years. It's hard but I wouldn't change what I did and I accept that. My inbox is open if you need anything x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I’ve not experienced this but didn’t want to read and run.

Sending you best wishes OP. Stay strong and be gentle with yourself. X

Maybe have a look if there are any bereavement counsellors in your area that you can talk all this through with in time, when you are ready, if you feel you need to or want to.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sincere condolences xxxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pal OP Woman
over a year ago

The Bermuda Triangle in Suffolk

"I can relate in a way, with me it was my Grandparents on my dads side,

needless to say, I didn't grieve when they died, I didn't go to the funeral and never spoke to them again, Mum tried hard but failed,

never told this to anyone before ever."
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it will help you move on as the day,weeks, months unfold.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Families can be quagmires sometimes and funerals can trigger a whole host of emotions.

Hug of support to you OP and I hope the funeral goes ok.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pal OP Woman
over a year ago

The Bermuda Triangle in Suffolk

"I can relate to parts of your story, didn't speak to my dad for years. And a member of his side passed away without me seeing them for years. It's hard but I wouldn't change what I did and I accept that. My inbox is open if you need anything x"
I would not have changed what I did either, he wasn't going to control me anymore and tough as it was I know I made the right decision.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pal OP Woman
over a year ago

The Bermuda Triangle in Suffolk

"I can't even begin to empathise with what you're going through, but you've clearly had a lot to take in during a short space of time. I'd say you sound remarkably together, actually

I can well imagine that the funeral will be an emotional time, but just go with it is all I can offer and be kind to yourself x"

I have had to be "together" and usually hold in my feelings but after today's news I just had to release just a fraction of my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it's my stubbornness, fiercely independent and I don't let people get close to me,but that's another topic in itself.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

So sorry for your struggles OP.

Remember that your choices are up to you and no one can take them away or tell you that you are wrong.

My inbox is always open xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

Very much OP, My father died when I was 26 & my mum said some things I didnt agree with while I stayed with her to sort all the arrangements out. I was pretty sure it was just grief so I left it though it annoyed me no end.

I asked her about what she had said six months later & she confirmed what she had said, she was now pretty well off & living in a nice big bungalow overlooking the sea on the south coast, she mentioned she’d lent both my older siblings money for home improvements,(£20k & £15k). Another few months & she was complaining to me that neither had been making the agreed monthly payments back into her account so I rang Both of them only to be shouted at down the phone so hung up. Ten minutes later mums on the phone also berating me for having a dig at them.

With that I put the phone down & said “Fuck you then” & haven’t spoken to any of them in over thirty years & wouldn’t know if my mother is still alive or not.

Regrets yes would I be different if I had my time again? Probably not tbh if the circumstances were exactly the same.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread