FabSwingers.com forum: Checking your young teenage childs phone...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Responsible parenting or invasion of privacy?

My teen is under 15, its that transition self finding age. Hormones and teenage angst. It wasnt like when i was that age, social media is a big influence now. as soon as they get a phone to the age of 15 I feel like there should be some monitoring. But at the same time you have to trust the child, right? and in your own parenting...?!

Im probably explaining this all wrong. Just asking for advice really. What are other parents and carers doing?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly trusting a good thing but checking is better.

Just make sure she doesn't know that you do it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I check. I will check and I think I’m right to check. And I’ve found things that I’ve had to bring up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately social media and modern technology are not compatible with children, despite what they think, of course you must check.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

I was told by my 16 year old daughter that she’s been asked for “nudes” before on Snap Chat. I was a bit shocked if I’m honest.

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

I look every few weeks. But I do it without her knowing. I think maybe I should tell her....

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Check. The stuff that goes on is shocking and youngsters are very susceptible to peer pressure and flattery. I said on a previous thread like this that we prevented two near disastrous situations by checking our under 16s Internet history

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By *jallMan
over a year ago

Cork/Sligo

"I look every few weeks. But I do it without her knowing. I think maybe I should tell her...."

Can I ask how you do the check? This is such a minefield, I've a 14yr old

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

[Removed by poster at 20/06/20 20:10:04]

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

"I look every few weeks. But I do it without her knowing. I think maybe I should tell her....

Can I ask how you do the check? This is such a minefield, I've a 14yr old "

Usually when she's asleep. I dont let her have social media so I just see who she's chatting to on whats app and what they are saying.

Theres been a couple of times someone sent her inappropriate content and I went psycho mum and called their parents

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son is 15 and has asperger's so I check regularly.

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By *ittleAcornMan
over a year ago

visiting the beach

I used to check it with my daughter present. It was one of the rules for her getting it in the first place.

I also had a forward-proxy/URL Filter on our home network.

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By *he-Curious-CoupleCouple
over a year ago

Rhondda

Just want to ask a question here, As this subject is very close to home for us...

What age do you stop looking/worrying ?? And stop interfering???

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I prefer education and trust, alongside appropriate restrictions. Age restricted Internet use is very pertinent IMO.

Free and full discussion of apps and who is in contact.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just want to ask a question here, As this subject is very close to home for us...

What age do you stop looking/worrying ?? And stop interfering??? "

I think the age you stop looking depends on your child but 16 was when we stopped. Interfering is something we only did when she was in danger. Worrying will occur until the day we die.

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

"I prefer education and trust, alongside appropriate restrictions. Age restricted Internet use is very pertinent IMO.

Free and full discussion of apps and who is in contact. "

That doesn't cover people they know from school sending inappropriate content. Whether it be videos from online, bullying messages, pictures of themselves etc.

No matter how much education you give, there will still be alot of teens too ashamed to approach mum or dad over something like that

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By *hemanwithnoname38Man
over a year ago

Wellington

I have a 10 year old boy who has my old phone during Covid as he lives with his mum. I have got it restricted and can see what he types into the search bar... men with no tops on and men tied down.... I have no idea where he has got the idea of bondage yet but I had to have a good chat with him to explain that there are things that might pop up (no pun intended) on the internet when searching for those things that he is not old enough to see... so I gave him a list of safe places he can look at images like that...

Even though he is young and I thought way way too young to be thinking sexually yet, apparently he is

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I have a 14 year old daughter. I don't check her phone. I ask her every now and then about who she's chatting to and I trust her enough to know that she's not lying.

She's very clued up and would go absolutely mental if I looked at her phone while she was asleep. Shed never trust me again and atm she talks openly and honestly with me and I'd hate her to not want to be like that with me.

I do wish social media wasn't such a big thing for them though. Things were much simpler when I was her age

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think the age you stop looking depends on your child but 16 was when we stopped. Interfering is something we only did when she was in danger. Worrying will occur until the day we die. "

I’d agree entirely with this! I feel vindicated in checking but defo need to talk more. Thanks for the feedback so far. Hope this thread helps others!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I prefer education and trust, alongside appropriate restrictions. Age restricted Internet use is very pertinent IMO.

Free and full discussion of apps and who is in contact.

That doesn't cover people they know from school sending inappropriate content. Whether it be videos from online, bullying messages, pictures of themselves etc.

No matter how much education you give, there will still be alot of teens too ashamed to approach mum or dad over something like that"

Yes. We learned the very hard way in the early 2000s. I can't talk about the stuff we intercepted because it's not something I feel we should share but I would advise any parent to be fully aware of what their child is doing on line, who they're interacting with and the type of messages and images they're receiving and sending.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just remember if you do check it, you can't take back anything you stumble across. Your head will have to deal with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I trust my girl

I ask her , she tells me

I Used to check when she was younger

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By *ankie303Woman
over a year ago

Weirdsville South Coast Dorset

My sons nearly 19 and a streetwise sarcastic twat so iv never had to worry about him but my daughter is nearly 7 and the total opposite to him, she hasn't got a phone but I check her tablet all the time especially after finding tiktok installed and I was mortified at the content! Now I'm the mean mum

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

"Just want to ask a question here, As this subject is very close to home for us...

What age do you stop looking/worrying ?? And stop interfering??? "

Erm....never lol

It's a minefield.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

I never looked but, my daughter was very open with me and still is

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i think more than the looking you gotta think about the approach you take to anything you find... if its the overbearing parent yelling at them they will just find a better way of hiding it next time

like the OP says its a time of hormones and learning and experimenting so if looking opens up a helpful discussion of “sex isnt always like porn” or teaching them to be very careful about what content of themselves they put out there then great, if its just going to be a “this is not age appropriate” shutdown then i dont see much point

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By *leasureseekers123Couple
over a year ago

Heathrow

"I used to check it with my daughter present. It was one of the rules for her getting it in the first place.

I also had a forward-proxy/URL Filter on our home network. "

Can you explain what that is please? We’re not tech savvy enough but it sounds like something we should get!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Mostly trust but do have Norton Parental Controls set on all my 16 year old's media (phone, tablet, laptop etc) that allows them some freedom but you to be able to set appropriate filters as to what they can see and view and also flags anything inappropriate searched for etc. - has been in place ever since she first had internet access and never once have any red flags gone up, hence the level of trust, along with talking to her regularly of course.

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By *voryforebonyMan
over a year ago

boogie town

"Responsible parenting or invasion of privacy?

Im probably explaining this all wrong. Just asking for advice really. What are other parents and carers doing?"

Don't be fast, of course you should check.. It's being a responsible parent. And being such means that if you do stumble across something personal you are old enough to appreciate it's personal, move on and day nothing. Whilst if you do find something of concern you are old enough to be able to approach the subject calmly and in the right manner, all the time acting in the best interest of your child. Stop worrying and keep checking

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would look but I have full trust in my daughter if anyone asked her for stuff she would say

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

My sister does a weekly check, she asks for the phone and goes through every bit of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Check. It's good to check but dont be sneaky about it!! If you're sneaky it shows that you dont believe in what you are doing is right.

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By *ittleAcornMan
over a year ago

visiting the beach

"I used to check it with my daughter present. It was one of the rules for her getting it in the first place.

I also had a forward-proxy/URL Filter on our home network.

Can you explain what that is please? We’re not tech savvy enough but it sounds like something we should get!

Some broadband routers/hubs have this sort of functionality. Or you deploy something specifically for the task (my preference).

Basically it's a gateway, through which their Internet connections are routed.

At that point there are tons of things you can do. Number one being log it all. But also apply rules regarding what they can access. Most products give you a list of categories, and manage the actual sites within those categories for you.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I look at it this way, would you be comfortable not knowing who your early teen was alone in their bedroom with? Because with full internet access on their phone you don't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My daughters 13 and I check. And will continue to do so for quite some times. She knows this, and she also knows that the day she starts becoming cagey and refusing, she’ll be in deep trouble. It baffles me that other parents don’t keep an eye on what their children are doing. Some of the group conversations I’ve seen have been vile. I’m not naive enough to think my daughter is an angel, and she won’t delete things that are inappropriate but I’d like to think she’s been brought up to know whats right and what’s not when it comes to cyber matters.

L x

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By *sm265Woman
over a year ago

Shangri-la

I do random checks on phones & tablets, but with their full knowledge (it was agreed before they got them that I would check regularly). I have parental controls set on the broadband and on their devices so they can't download any apps without me putting the password in first.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Just be prepared you are not going to like everything you see on there, that's a pretty much guarantee unless they know you're going to check.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just be prepared you are not going to like everything you see on there, that's a pretty much guarantee unless they know you're going to check. "
,

It helps if you cast your mind back to how you were as a youngster and realise that your kids are individuals.

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By *londie8399Couple
over a year ago

blackpool

I have a parent app on my phone that sends me messages when they look at somthing they shouldn't and key words in messages. It sends me an email warning people might thing its wrong but when my son was younger somone was trying to get him to meet him and we had to get police involved so I'm very over proactive now

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I have a parent app on my phone that sends me messages when they look at somthing they shouldn't and key words in messages. It sends me an email warning people might thing its wrong but when my son was younger somone was trying to get him to meet him and we had to get police involved so I'm very over proactive now"

If people think it's wrong that frankly is their problem and more than that none of their business - you're doing what you think is the responsible thing to do and that is all that matters

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By *ittleAcornMan
over a year ago

visiting the beach

If people think it's wrong that frankly is their problem and more than that none of their business - you're doing what you think is the responsible thing to do and that is all that matters

It's similar to physical security. It's a long road, and every one goes down it far enough to feel comfortable.

Some will be happy with a locked door. Others need alarms and CCTV.

We all stop at the point we feel comfortable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How I see it , it don’t matter how good your child is , it’s other people who will send or ask for photos etc , I would look at there phones

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My brother did this to me when I was about 13/14 and reported on me to my mum which turned it into a whole thing. It wasn't anything major, mainly just innocently talking to my friends about boys we fancied but somehow the whole thing got twisted. Think we were talking about putting a condom in a friend's birthday card as a joke and suddenly I was made out to be some sort of teenage harlot. It really hurt me and I told my practically nothing of what went on in my life as a result, even to this day I don't share many personal things with her. There's so much she still doesn't even know about and probably never will!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How I see it , it don’t matter how good your child is , it’s other people who will send or ask for photos etc , I would look at there phones "

I was asked for nudes by a 16 year old lad when I was 14 but I came to the decision on my own not to send them, even though I was really tempted. Sometimes you just need to trust your kids will make the right choice.

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By *ulldog_71Man
over a year ago

Sedgefield

The problem is you may trust them but can you trust everybody that they talk to? at that age they are vulnerable to grooming and trusting people they shouldn't, so yes you could check it but you could do it with them so they know why. Talk to them about it first and explain your reasons keep everything open.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rest assured you are legally obliged to look after the interests of a child (child protection act 1995) others more specific exist, depending on the situation and circumstances.

Do a little search on the act, it will help you determine your options and responsibilities x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My brother did this to me when I was about 13/14 and reported on me to my mum which turned it into a whole thing. It wasn't anything major, mainly just innocently talking to my friends about boys we fancied but somehow the whole thing got twisted. Think we were talking about putting a condom in a friend's birthday card as a joke and suddenly I was made out to be some sort of teenage harlot. It really hurt me and I told my practically nothing of what went on in my life as a result, even to this day I don't share many personal things with her. There's so much she still doesn't even know about and probably never will!"

yeah me and my neighbour got caught with a condom we had bought from a vending machine when we had been at a family party in a function suite ... it was pure innocent curiosity to see one but the reaction it prompted told me to no discussion in my house was going to end well as i was expected to stay a child forever... so i just never uttered a word about my life at home after that and still keep it private from my family to this day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Same. Just always a minefield over whether what you think is a funny/interesting story is gonna get you a massive lecture or not

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