FabSwingers.com forum: What would you do if...

By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

...someone told you something unpleasant about somebody?

We've all been there - someone tells us that another person isn't nice/ can't be trusted/has done something horrible etc.

How do you deal with that information?

Believe it and avoid said person, or even go as far as behaving in an unpleasant manner towards them?

Figure that there's two sides to every story and make your own mind up based on your interactions with that person?

Take a dim view of the person telling you this information because you don't like gossip?

Would it depend on what person told you?

Would you ask the person who you've been told about for their side of the story?

Or something entirely different?

Just musing on a situation that I was in not so long ago - I'm perfectly happy with how I handled it, but I was just wondering what other people would do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would trust a very close friend. Leaving a bit of a room for second side of the coin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always look at motivation behind an action, then decide for yourself and tread carefully with both the person offering the info and the person they're trashing for a while

God knows ppl like to talk when they've had they're noses put out, but we're all adults....

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Depends on who is doing the telling and what their agenda is.

If it's one of the very few people I trust then I'd listen and it probably would change how I felt about the person being discussed.

If it's someone I'm not on such close terms with I would probably still listen but I would make up my own mind based on my own experience of the person being discussed.

I tend not to belong to any particular groups, not just on here but in real life, in work, in social circles. It means that when people are playing their games they see me as a potential ally and feel free to air all their grievances to me. It gets tedious at times and I find myself telling people I don't want to get involved on a regular basis. Sometimes they even listen when I say it!

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

I have been on the receiving end of this and it is rather unpleasant. For a while I stayed away because of it, and I was very self-conscious when I came back. I make my own judgements about people and I don’t listen to gossip.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I would trust the people I've known a while and that I know have my best interests at heart.

If it comes from an acquaintance then I tend ignore it, and I'm generally annoyed as I don't like being dragged into other people's arguements. And I also tend to question their motives? And if they have something to gain from me being on their side

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

It all depends on the situation, but normally I make my own mind up on someone. This is based on my interaction with them, not because someone told me something about them

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By *r MoriartyMan
over a year ago

The Land that time forgot (Norfolk)

I'm not into tittle tattle

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"Always look at motivation behind an action, then decide for yourself and tread carefully with both the person offering the info and the person they're trashing for a while

God knows ppl like to talk when they've had they're noses put out, but we're all adults....

Yep, I'd do something similar to this. Probably not tread carefully with the person I could trust but even if I was really good friends with them I'd try and remember that their truth might be slightly biased.

People really do talk and say negative things when their nose is out of joint, at the same time sometimes people are twuntish to a new level.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really tricky one, as all the variables in your original post suggest!

For me, it’s all subjective on what the information was, who it was about and who it came from.

I find that quite often when theres two sides of a story, both are correct. They’re the same side just being told from different perspectives- it’s not up to me to play judge. If both parties feel they’ve been wronged then they’re both entitled to feel that way. I have no interest in ever taking sides, im more than capable of being objective and not getting involved in other people’s business. Obviously this is not the case if something serious has happened.

I like to make my own mind up on people and hate someone taking that choice away from me. However, i cannot un-hear something that’s already been said, so even if I didn’t want to believe it and chose to ignore it, I would be more consciously looking to see if the person is repeating the behaviour I had been warned about.

I am a pretty good judge of character, I wouldn’t say I’m overtrusting, nor am I jaded and untrusting. I’m lucky I’ve not come across this on the site.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Depends why they are telling you , and what kind of person they are themselves. It’s rare , almost unheard of we would talk negatively about anyone else , other than serious stuff. Gossip always reveals more about the gossipers character. But if it’s not gossip like you need to know this , this person is dangerous or disloyal , thank them , but if the person is close you would already know that. Then maybe it’s a one off , out of character , If so, then you both should talk to the person and resolve it

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"I would trust a very close friend. Leaving a bit of a room for second side of the coin. "

I'd definitely be inclined to trust a close friend more, but I'd still make my own mind up, just be a bit cautious until I was sure of the other person

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

I'd either defend of be silent to both about it.

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"Always look at motivation behind an action, then decide for yourself and tread carefully with both the person offering the info and the person they're trashing for a while

God knows ppl like to talk when they've had they're noses put out, but we're all adults....

I've found that there is usually an agenda when someone is talking negatively about someone...it's not always obvious though.

We are all adults - but I have met some people that don't seem to be able to act like one

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

Depends how well u know both these people, I always believe both sides will have a story and both will be looking at it from there own perspective and not from the others I personally wouldnt get involved

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Always look at motivation behind an action, then decide for yourself and tread carefully with both the person offering the info and the person they're trashing for a while

God knows ppl like to talk when they've had they're noses put out, but we're all adults....

I've found that there is usually an agenda when someone is talking negatively about someone...it's not always obvious though.

We are all adults - but I have met some people that don't seem to be able to act like one

But we've never met!

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"Depends on who is doing the telling and what their agenda is.

If it's one of the very few people I trust then I'd listen and it probably would change how I felt about the person being discussed.

If it's someone I'm not on such close terms with I would probably still listen but I would make up my own mind based on my own experience of the person being discussed.

That's more or less my take on things - I trust very few people and refuse to be dragged into people's silly games. You're right that it seems to make people want to tell you things to try and make you an ally though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would trust a very close friend. Leaving a bit of a room for second side of the coin. "

Totally this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People have their own agendas, often we dont know what they are.

Personally I would listen to what they said then disregard it and make my own decisions based on what I might know of both parties.

And if they talk to me about another then what are they saying to others about me...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it depends what they have told me and why.

I normally trust someone and give them the benefit of the doubt until they give me reason not to and make my own mind up about a person.

Having said that if it was something that I believed if true would impact on me or those close to me or make someone unsafe, I would air on the side of caution and avoid that person at all cost.

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"I have been on the receiving end of this and it is rather unpleasant. For a while I stayed away because of it, and I was very self-conscious when I came back. I make my own judgements about people and I don’t listen to gossip."

I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope everything is okay now

I'd like to believe that everyone makes their own judgement about people, but unfortunately the world is not all rainbows and kittens, and some people do just like to cause trouble for others

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"Always look at motivation behind an action, then decide for yourself and tread carefully with both the person offering the info and the person they're trashing for a while

God knows ppl like to talk when they've had they're noses put out, but we're all adults....

People really do talk and say negative things when their nose is out of joint, at the same time sometimes people are twuntish to a new level. "

And boy have I met some twunts in my life!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tend to take people as I find them. If some thing was said then I'd listen to both side of the story and ask the accuser if there's any evidence or clear facts. Sometimes people are told something false and automatically take them for facts.

Best not to get involved in other people affairs unless you are sure.

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"Really tricky one, as all the variables in your original post suggest!

For me, it’s all subjective on what the information was, who it was about and who it came from.

I am a pretty good judge of character, I wouldn’t say I’m overtrusting, nor am I jaded and untrusting. I’m lucky I’ve not come across this on the site. "

A very balanced view, and I too believe that both sides are right from their perspective, and would always take any obvious emotion out of it and look at the facts.

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"Depends why they are telling you , and what kind of person they are themselves. It’s rare , almost unheard of we would talk negatively about anyone else , other than serious stuff. Gossip always reveals more about the gossipers character. But if it’s not gossip like you need to know this , this person is dangerous or disloyal , thank them , but if the person is close you would already know that. Then maybe it’s a one off , out of character , If so, then you both should talk to the person and resolve it "

It certainly does reveal a lot about the gossipers character, not generally pleasant things either

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it's on here, chances are I'll already have made my mind up about someone before someone else tells me something about them

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

"And if they talk to me about another then what are they saying to others about me..."

Precisely this

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

It's not from here is it ?

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I'd ignore it, it's none of my business what other people get up to and after one person tells a trusted friend, who then tells their trusted friend, pretty soon the whole of the forums know anyway

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By *ntrigued32Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Listen, observe and if all else fails ask.

I tend to go with my gut feeling alot too.

Jo.Xx

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By *ily White OP Woman
over a year ago

It's nice to see so many people saying they would make their own mind up about the person - it's restored my faith in humanity a bit

It's what I would, and have, done whenever I've been in this situation.

No current problems here, I've simply got too much time on my hands and musing over something that happened a while ago...my mind doesn't like to be idle

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Take as I find and make my own mind up is the way I try to be, and I'm not usually wrong - although there have been times where I have been told something that has served to back up my own impression - or have heard the same thing from completely separate and unconnected people that again serves to validate my own impression.

I think a lot can also depend on various factors including how well you know the person both doing the telling and that you are being told about, the level of appropriateness of what you are being told (some people here do not appear to know the meaning of discreet when it comes to what they freely share) and how you are told and what context.

You can often learn more about the person doing the telling than the one they are telling about too.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

I like to make my own mind up about people there’s always 2 sides to a story and usually a lot of Chinese whispers along the way...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if it was some stranger bad mouthing people

depending how bad it was i would probably report them to the police

god knows what else they are doing to the person

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"if it was some stranger bad mouthing people

depending how bad it was i would probably report them to the police

god knows what else they are doing to the person

That's a rather extreme reaction to gossip

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I make my own judgement.

I've grown up surrounded by so many negative people who would always have something bad to say about someone.

I trust my gut, any evidence and go by what I think, not other people, because usually, most people are full of shite.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

.. just say to the person mentioning it "I really don't give a shit, it's got nothing to do with me"

Then walk away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Work can be very gossipy so I just tend to listen if someone wants a moan but wont really make any judgements from that. Like someone said above I may see if I notice for myself the behaviour that was spoken about and if I need to be careful, but I try to let most of it pass me by.

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