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Seeking to forgive

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading

Forgiveness can be a cruel pursuit. At least for the individual who wants to forgive someone who has hurt them.

I feel like often times forgiveness is more useful to the benefactor than the recipient.

It’s quite often happened that the people who I have forgiven don’t even know they’ve been forgiven.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean allowing someone back into your life. Some of the most beneficial things I have gleaned from forgiving another has been from a distance.

Letting something go that is taking up too much bandwidth in my own mind.

Don’t misunderstand me, you have a right to feel hurt, and I’m not saying you must forgive someone.

But I will offer this...

If you are weighed down with a lot of unnecessary baggage maybe it’s time to leave some stuff behind.

As soon as I have been hurt my mind prompts me that forgiveness is the best way, though I am often not ready. It is a process. I go through stages of grief.

Sometimes I think I am ready to forgive and I try to let it go in my mind, but it grips on with its finger tips. It has a life of its own.

I have forgiven people multiple times for the same thing. That’s not to say they repeatedly hurt me, but more that the hurt is fractured and I must revisit it numerous times to truly let it go.

The way the brain processes memories and in turn the way your mind experiences and interprets emotionally hurt feelings is strange and often unhelpful.

A memory of a situation can trigger pain. Your mind doesn’t realise it’s looking back and interprets the hurt as though it’s in real time.

I try and refuse to let this happen. If I catch myself in this loop I give myself another focus (often unsuccessfully).

I know when I am getting closer to forgiveness, I feel it. Sometimes I resent it. My feeling ARE VALID. I’ve been wronged.

But I always ask myself. Do I want to carry this around any more?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree OP. Never carry someone else's baggage!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You don’t have to forgive someone to be able to move past it and not have ‘baggage’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I needed to read this today. Thank you OP ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reading such a long post has made my eyes hurt. But I forgive you...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

You don’t have to forgive someone to be able to move past it and not have ‘baggage’.

"

I disagree with you for two reasons!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Good post. Well intended.

Does it occur to anyone that sometimes people do not want your forgiveness ?

Does it occur that when you are butt hurt it is down to your perception of a situation ?

Maybe the person you think wronged you doesn't see it that way.

Who do you think you are to forgive people like you are God , Jesus or the Pope ?

To forgive is to heal YOURSELF.

Forgive and fuck off..... I say.

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"

You don’t have to forgive someone to be able to move past it and not have ‘baggage’.

"

I agree. Just my thoughts. thats all

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"I needed to read this today. Thank you OP ??"

My pleasure

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"Reading such a long post has made my eyes hurt. But I forgive you... "

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

You don’t have to forgive someone to be able to move past it and not have ‘baggage’.

"

This.

Forgiveness is just one option when it comes to moving on

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"Good post. Well intended.

Does it occur to anyone that sometimes people do not want your forgiveness ?

Does it occur that when you are butt hurt it is down to your perception of a situation ?

Maybe the person you think wronged you doesn't see it that way.

Who do you think you are to forgive people like you are God , Jesus or the Pope ?

To forgive is to heal YOURSELF.

Forgive and fuck off..... I say. "

Hmmmmm. Interesting points

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Some things are unforgivable and would require saintliness to forgive.

I forgive quite easily although I don't forget.

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By *ock2shareMan
over a year ago

Happyville

I think you should flog yourself and stop being such a snowflake.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Interesting post. Thank you OP. I’m also of the belief that forgiving someone isn’t the major goalpost. It’s coping with whatever and accepting it for whatever reason you personally can.

Forgiveness, for me, is acceptance of what has happened and is about me not you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are.

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"Interesting post. Thank you OP. I’m also of the belief that forgiving someone isn’t the major goalpost. It’s coping with whatever and accepting it for whatever reason you personally can.

Forgiveness, for me, is acceptance of what has happened and is about me not you."

Yessss

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are."

I like how you put that

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are."

Forgiveness is good for the soul 'they' say.

There's no need to do the dickhead thing of shouting I forgive you down the street to someone who couldn't give two bleeding hoots......

Retribution isn't forgiveness.

I enjoyed your post . thank you

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are."

I find being indifferent to a person works just as well. Someone did something awful to me once. A friend said "she's dead to me" and I found that helped me far more than forgiveness from that moment on the person no longer existed to me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Interesting post. Thank you OP. I’m also of the belief that forgiving someone isn’t the major goalpost. It’s coping with whatever and accepting it for whatever reason you personally can.

Forgiveness, for me, is acceptance of what has happened and is about me not you."

Wholeheartedly agree. I dont need to grant anyone forgiveness for the way they attempted to hurt me, but I need to focus on processing these feelings and understanding their words or actions mean nothing in a big picture of life. And being able to get over a trauma of something or hurt of some sort requires so much energy sometimes or work that why would I spare any for making them feel better when I need it all for myself to work through it? I'm talking big things.. not trivial.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are.

I find being indifferent to a person works just as well. Someone did something awful to me once. A friend said "she's dead to me" and I found that helped me far more than forgiveness from that moment on the person no longer existed to me "

Was it me when I dissed your undies ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are.

I find being indifferent to a person works just as well. Someone did something awful to me once. A friend said "she's dead to me" and I found that helped me far more than forgiveness from that moment on the person no longer existed to me "

Yes! That's my strategy too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!"

this

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By *zreal_rdg OP   Man
over a year ago

Reading


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!"

Love this

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!"

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering

If you new the reasons to why then it would make it easier to forgive.....

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering

[Removed by poster at 25/05/20 11:17:21]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people "

True, but I took it to mean the way you think about them and the trauma they inflicted.

I guess everyone processes stuff differently though, as long as everyone is happy then it all leads to the same solution

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people "

We don't know what goes in one's mind. We cannot control what other people say, think or does to you. What happens to you is 10%, how you react to it is 90%.

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people "

I totally agree with you. ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. .."

Does that bother you?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

We don't know what goes in one's mind. We cannot control what other people say, think or does to you. What happens to you is 10%, how you react to it is 90%."

Yes I agree 100%. That's why I either forgive or become completely indifferent

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

True, but I took it to mean the way you think about them and the trauma they inflicted.

I guess everyone processes stuff differently though, as long as everyone is happy then it all leads to the same solution "

I was responding to the assumption that the person who's wronged you is holding on to anger

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Unforgivable things have happened to me as with most people, but I was told that to forgive was the only way to heal myself (whether they know they have been given or want forgiveness is irrelevant). Didn’t think this would work at first, but it really does. In a way it is a selfish act I suppose but there we are.

I find being indifferent to a person works just as well. Someone did something awful to me once. A friend said "she's dead to me" and I found that helped me far more than forgiveness from that moment on the person no longer existed to me

Was it me when I dissed your undies ?"

Yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?"

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was responding to the assumption that the person who's wronged you is holding on to anger"

Sorry, I’m not firing on all cylinders this morning!

Yes totally agree with that then, I suspect most people never even think about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P"

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!"

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its quite a noble undertaking to keep it up in the way you have. To form that kind of association.

But sometimes bridges are best burnt. That provides a freedom of its own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!"

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!"

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving....

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving...."

I definitely agree in understanding the why behind the action.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P"

It doesn't require trust. You can forgive and move on. If you do have trust issues with that person, and you believe that the person cannot be trusted, I would move on or limit my interactions with that person. What I wouldn't do is, hold on to the anger and resentment to the person who hurt you. You need to be smart enough to walk away from that person so that they would not be in a position to hurt you in the future!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving...."

What if you don't have an answer to that 'why'?

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By *rctopusMan
over a year ago

Borehamwood

Old Jewish proverb: Forgiveness is the sweetest form of revenge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P

It doesn't require trust. You can forgive and move on. If you do have trust issues with that person, and you believe that the person cannot be trusted, I would move on or limit my interactions with that person. What I wouldn't do is, hold on to the anger and resentment to the person who hurt you. You need to be smart enough to walk away from that person so that they would not be in a position to hurt you in the future! "

Well great for you for being confident, strong and sticking to your morals and convictions.

It's hard when you love someone but despise what they did.

It does come down to trust tho, like you say you would limit interactions or walk, that's YOU trusting YOU to do so.

I was hurt very very badly and it's taken me over a year to properly forgive. Why? Because now I know I'm strong enough to walk, because I've finally started to believe in myself again and my self worth. I also understand people make mistakes and you may want to forgive them and try to many times, and only can when you accept their "why" and they truly realise the depth of the hurt caused.

When that why makes no fucking sense at all to you and just causes even more confusion it's hard. You can want to forgive. You can say you forgive, but you don't realise you haven't until you feel the hurt like it was happening now. A reminder that hits you like a fucking stake through the heart and a knife in the back at the same time.

You're telling me it's easy, or that maybe I'm weak or thick perhaps for not walking away?

I'm none of those things, I was confused. Very very confused.

P

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving....

What if you don't have an answer to that 'why'?"

If they can't give you a reason to "why" then the least they can do is apologise. They may not know them selves "why" they acted the way they did....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P

It doesn't require trust. You can forgive and move on. If you do have trust issues with that person, and you believe that the person cannot be trusted, I would move on or limit my interactions with that person. What I wouldn't do is, hold on to the anger and resentment to the person who hurt you. You need to be smart enough to walk away from that person so that they would not be in a position to hurt you in the future!

Well great for you for being confident, strong and sticking to your morals and convictions.

It's hard when you love someone but despise what they did.

It does come down to trust tho, like you say you would limit interactions or walk, that's YOU trusting YOU to do so.

I was hurt very very badly and it's taken me over a year to properly forgive. Why? Because now I know I'm strong enough to walk, because I've finally started to believe in myself again and my self worth. I also understand people make mistakes and you may want to forgive them and try to many times, and only can when you accept their "why" and they truly realise the depth of the hurt caused.

When that why makes no fucking sense at all to you and just causes even more confusion it's hard. You can want to forgive. You can say you forgive, but you don't realise you haven't until you feel the hurt like it was happening now. A reminder that hits you like a fucking stake through the heart and a knife in the back at the same time.

You're telling me it's easy, or that maybe I'm weak or thick perhaps for not walking away?

I'm none of those things, I was confused. Very very confused.

P"

I hear you. Your experience has made you stronger and resilient! By forgiving, you have gained your inner strength. Well done!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have to forgive if I can or it eats at me. It can take time though x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving....

What if you don't have an answer to that 'why'?

If they can't give you a reason to "why" then the least they can do is apologise. They may not know them selves "why" they acted the way they did...."

But then they are controlling you by their actions or inactions. You haven't achieved freedom, because you are putting conditions before forgiving!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I watched a thingy on you tube the other day and it made a lot of sense to me.

She said like you, that she thought she had forgiven, and completely intended to forgive but it was almost like walking round and round and coming back to the hurt, anger and disappointment and realising she hadn't forgiven no matter how many times she tried (the subject was her husband's infidelity)

The day she truly forgave him and felt warmth and friendship towards him again was as they left the divorce court.

It was at that moment that things were moving on and because of that she let go of the fear he would do it again.

So forgiveness I believe has to do with fear too.

I think I'm very much that way

P

Forgiveness is to do with being courageous. Courage to let go and courage to live in freedom!

Which links in to trust, having the courage to trust the person who wronged you won't do it again, the courage to believe they truly understand how much they hurt you. And if you don't trust that, you carry the fear.

So you need to do what you can to create a safe space. Whether that safe space is trusting them and having faith in yourself to handle it if they did cross the line again or letting go of the person right away, not giving them the opportunity to do it again.

P

It doesn't require trust. You can forgive and move on. If you do have trust issues with that person, and you believe that the person cannot be trusted, I would move on or limit my interactions with that person. What I wouldn't do is, hold on to the anger and resentment to the person who hurt you. You need to be smart enough to walk away from that person so that they would not be in a position to hurt you in the future!

Well great for you for being confident, strong and sticking to your morals and convictions.

It's hard when you love someone but despise what they did.

It does come down to trust tho, like you say you would limit interactions or walk, that's YOU trusting YOU to do so.

I was hurt very very badly and it's taken me over a year to properly forgive. Why? Because now I know I'm strong enough to walk, because I've finally started to believe in myself again and my self worth. I also understand people make mistakes and you may want to forgive them and try to many times, and only can when you accept their "why" and they truly realise the depth of the hurt caused.

When that why makes no fucking sense at all to you and just causes even more confusion it's hard. You can want to forgive. You can say you forgive, but you don't realise you haven't until you feel the hurt like it was happening now. A reminder that hits you like a fucking stake through the heart and a knife in the back at the same time.

You're telling me it's easy, or that maybe I'm weak or thick perhaps for not walking away?

I'm none of those things, I was confused. Very very confused.

P

I hear you. Your experience has made you stronger and resilient! By forgiving, you have gained your inner strength. Well done!"

Other way round, by gaining my inner strength gave me the power to forgive.

I wasn't weak before, but the confusion was conflicting.

P

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By *edVelvet08Woman
over a year ago

Kettering


"When you forgive those who hurt you, they no longer have control of your future happiness. Their anger keeps them a prisoner to your past, while you enjoy the present!

Loads of people are completely unaffected by their actions towards other people

I totally agree with you. ..

Does that bother you?

Depending on the extent of their actions, to me their heartless and you may disagree with that!!!

Why would you hold on to that anger and resentment? What happens when you let it go? I am not here to debate with you. I am just asking you questions, so that I can understand your thinking!

Like in my previous quote knowing the reason to "why" they acted the way they did is a start to understanding and forgiving....

What if you don't have an answer to that 'why'?

If they can't give you a reason to "why" then the least they can do is apologise. They may not know them selves "why" they acted the way they did....

But then they are controlling you by their actions or inactions. You haven't achieved freedom, because you are putting conditions before forgiving!"

There are no conditions. If they can't give you a reason to why but apologise that does not mean forgiveness.. it's peace of mind.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

I forgive but never forget and it's not going to happen a second time

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