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The police knocked on my door earlier

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

They said my dogs were chasing people on their bikes

Straight away I knew it wasn’t my dogs

Cos they ain’t got bikes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do they have those no back legs wheels? Could be mistaken for a bike when they're at speed

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

They knocked on mine, too.

They showed me a photo of my ex wife, they said ‘I’m terribly sorry sir, it looks like she’s been hit by a bus’

I said ‘Yes, but she’s good with the kids’.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"They knocked on mine, too.

They showed me a photo of my ex wife, they said ‘I’m terribly sorry sir, it looks like she’s been hit by a bus’

I said ‘Yes, but she’s good with the kids’. "

Haha

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By *athan 123Man
over a year ago

rochdale oldham border

Terrible jokes lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had wine, these are great jokes!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I've had wine, these are great jokes! "

Haha perfect read my catalogue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got stopped by the police the other day while driving.

They said do you know this is a one way street?

I replied well I'm only going one way

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

They stopped me too!!

They said ‘Do you always drive as bad as that??’

I replied ‘No, only when I’m pissed’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They stopped me too!!

They said ‘Do you always drive as bad as that??’

I replied ‘No, only when I’m pissed’. "

That made me lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I found a penguin once. Copper stopped me and asked what I was doing with a penguin. Said I found it.

Don't you think you should take it the zoo? He said.

Next day he stopped me with the penguin again and said didn't I tell you to take that to the zoo?

I said 'I did. I'm taking it to the cinema today'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was being followed earlier by a Police car in a 30 zone. So i edged up to 40. Still tailing me i went up to 50.

Looked in my mirror an he's up my arse.. i floored it!

Gods honour im touching a ton..

Hes yards off my bumper.

I thought fuck this... this is getting dangerous. So i slowed..

Then pulled over.

I say can i help you orifice?

He says, look its 5 minutes till the end of my shift and i cant be arsed with the paperwork. If you can give me an excuse that i've never heard before, as to why you're going so fast.. i'll let you go with a caution.

I said, a few days ago my wife ran off with a copper..

And i thought you were bringing her back!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Was being followed earlier by a Police car in a 30 zone. So i edged up to 40. Still tailing me i went up to 50.

Looked in my mirror an he's up my arse.. i floored it!

Gods honour im touching a ton..

Hes yards off my bumper.

I thought fuck this... this is getting dangerous. So i slowed..

Then pulled over.

I say can i help you orifice?

He says, look its 5 minutes till the end of my shift and i cant be arsed with the paperwork. If you can give me an excuse that i've never heard before, as to why you're going so fast.. i'll let you go with a caution.

I said, a few days ago my wife ran off with a copper..

And i thought you were bringing her back!

"

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’

Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!

He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’

The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’

Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!

He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’

The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’. "

Classic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Muriel says he her husband.

You know after 50 years of marriage my nipples are still hot for you.

Husband replies that's because one is in your cup of tea and the other is in your porridge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy has a season ticket for his football team. Over the years he got friendly with an elderly couple who sat in front of him.

One match day he notices that the old guy is on his own.

Enquiring where she is the old man says she died.

After offering his condolences he asks isn't there anyone in the family who would want the seat.

He said oh no, they're all at the funeral

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Lol is reciprocated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went I a pet shop asked can I buy a wasp please.He said we don't sell wasps as pets. I said well you have one in the window

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Went I a pet shop asked can I buy a wasp please.He said we don't sell wasps as pets. I said well you have one in the window "

I know a joke about wasp noises on an lp but it's too long

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks peeeps i needed a good giggle... i dont get the wasp one ... i am blonde Doh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks peeeps i needed a good giggle... i dont get the wasp one ... i am blonde Doh "

The wasp on the window?

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent


"Thanks peeeps i needed a good giggle... i dont get the wasp one ... i am blonde Doh "

Haha, it was just a random wasp flying around in a shop window

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some really bad jokes but still made me laugh... ..

I do like a humourous thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some really bad jokes but still made me laugh... ..

I do like a humourous thread."

Bad jokes? This is my best material

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some really bad jokes but still made me laugh... ..

I do like a humourous thread.

Bad jokes? This is my best material "

Oops...

I'd hate to hear your bad material then... lol

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By *etite_RosyWoman
over a year ago

Now in MALAGA (SPAIN)


"Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’

Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!

He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’

The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’. "

Hahahahahahaha

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

A new couple are walking in the woods when the lady says ‘I need a wee. Keep watch while I go behind this bush?’

Her boyfriend agrees to this, but the thought of his girl squatting semi-naked gets him horny, so he sneaks his hand through the bush for a quick feel.

To his dismay, he feels something dangling between her legs!

‘Have you changed your sex??’ he asks.

‘No’ she replies, ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m having a shit’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They said my dogs were chasing people on their bikes

Straight away I knew it wasn’t my dogs

Cos they ain’t got bikes

"
bit early for christmas cracker jokes!

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

My lad who’s 14, funny name for a lad that I know, anyway he came in the living room and said there was a guy at the front door with a bald head.

I said tell him I’ve already got one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Terrible jokes lol "
i second that!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sure it's the dreadful hangover i'm suffering with, but I can't stop howling at these!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They said my dogs were chasing people on their bikes

Straight away I knew it wasn’t my dogs

Cos they ain’t got bikes

"

Now I know who stole my bikes. I thought they were stray dogs!

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