FabSwingers.com forum: Spying on your kids

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do parents have the right to spy on your kids?

For example, go through their internet history, track their were abouts on their phone, read their texts etc...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

To spy on their kids*

Don’t want anyone spying on mine

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

And I think no - you need to trust their kids, teach them boundaries etc.

You’ll just make sneakier kids who won’t trust you and will keep things from you, if you go snooping

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scary thought other parents spying on my kids

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By *U1966Man
over a year ago

Devon

No trust is very important it works both ways

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depending on age

What age are you thinking ?

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By *oppet22TV/TS
over a year ago

huddersfield

No you don't yes you are responsible for them but they need room to make there own mistakes on life and learn from them

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

I think it's a fine line to tread. Obviously you would want to keep your kids safe but you also do not want to give them reason to despise you. But ultimately I'm far from qualified to answer, this is just my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Depending on age

What age are you thinking ? "

You decide

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

We checked our kids Internet history regularly. As it happened it was a good job we did. Parents have a duty to keep their children safe and the net is a very bad place for people who think they know how to handle themselves but really don't.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

When they’re young - yes. It the same as leaving them on their own anywhere, you don’t do it if you don’t know they’ll be safe.

When they’re older, respecting their privacy is more important

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It also depends on age. My auntie bought my twin year old cousins an iPhone each (none of us agree with it but whatever, not our kids) and they both have ticktock. She doesn’t monitor it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do but my daughter is 10. Any app she downloads has to be approved by myself. I read all her messages every night between her and her friends. I ring parents and kick off if I see their kids being nasty. I listen to conversations when she’s on FaceTime. I’m just a nosey bastard but you have to be these days. I have the life 360app so I can track her iPad and phone, can literally watch her walking down the street on the map. Can see how fast she’s travelling when she’s in a car with someone like her dad or a friends parents car.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes! Depending on age of course and depending on your child too. My youngest isn’t even allowed in her bedroom on the internet. And I check her phone too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And I think no - you need to trust their kids, teach them boundaries etc.

You’ll just make sneakier kids who won’t trust you and will keep things from you, if you go snooping

I know it's morally questionable but i don't think it's as black and white as that. We still have a duty of care to keep them as safe as possible and, let's face it, kids don't always make the right decisions.

It's something that should be out in the open. If kids feel free to come to their parents when they have a problem (online or in real life) then there's no need for sneaking around but who can guarantee this?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I do but my daughter is 10. Any app she downloads has to be approved by myself. I read all her messages every night between her and her friends. I ring parents and kick off if I see their kids being nasty. I listen to conversations when she’s on FaceTime. I’m just a nosey bastard but you have to be these days. I have the life 360app so I can track her iPad and phone, can literally watch her walking down the street on the map. Can see how fast she’s travelling when she’s in a car with someone like her dad or a friends parents car. "

I get that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"And I think no - you need to trust their kids, teach them boundaries etc.

You’ll just make sneakier kids who won’t trust you and will keep things from you, if you go snooping

Aye it’s a hard one eh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We checked our kids Internet history regularly. As it happened it was a good job we did. Parents have a duty to keep their children safe and the net is a very bad place for people who think they know how to handle themselves but really don't. "

I would agree with this, too much, too freely accessible on the net.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Nope. we openly talk about internet safety and the kindness of words, anything that makes a I'm not sure thought appear and the phone is brought to me for guidance, I won't be there for all times so I need to be happy that wise decisions can be made, otherwise I am irresponsible parent for handing over a phone to a child in the forest place.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Same. Apart from I don’t get involved with the parents over bickering. It’s usually 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. If it was serious I probably would. She only has a couple of friends on her phone anyway. I’ve set it so that she can only receive calls from family and those couple of friends. You have to! They can be very naive! My eldest was a lot more mature than my youngest.

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Once bit, twice shy here. Do I spy? No. Can I monitor? Yes and I do. Part of parenting is protection, sometimes from themselves, sometimes others.

They know and they're tech savvy enough to get round it if they choose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And I think no - you need to trust their kids, teach them boundaries etc.

You’ll just make sneakier kids who won’t trust you and will keep things from you, if you go snooping

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally agree

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I would agree with this, too much, too freely accessible on the net. "

Too many nasty people who aren't who they claim to be. It was easier when ours were young, phones didn't even take pictures let alone access the net.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Once bit, twice shy here. Do I spy? No. Can I monitor? Yes and I do. Part of parenting is protection, sometimes from themselves, sometimes others.

They know and they're tech savvy enough to get round it if they choose."

Yeah, huge difference between spying and monitoring.

I had a friend growing up who’s parent spied on absolutely everything she did, online and offline. It drove her crazy, she moved out as soon as she could and cut her family off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Depending on age

What age are you thinking ?

You decide

My kids are grown up but if they were younger yes i would take steps to ensure their safety.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

This. My kids are still young but there are children who are in my youngest’s class ( 7-8 year olds) who have their own Instagram pages, and you get some right nasty folk on there!

Obviously there will come a time when I have to stop checking on them (like when they are 35

) but for now I’ll do what I must to keep them safe.

Their School (and local Council actually) also actively encourages parents to monitor their children’s online presence and to watch out for bullying etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once they get to a certain age you really don’t want to look!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had it the other way as well. Had parents ringing me cos my kid has told their kid about murderers and people that snatch children and basically frightening the life out of her friends. But I just say yeah what’s your point? Most my child’s friends parents know I work in a prison though and my kid has always been fully aware there’s lots of bad people in the world.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 07/05/20 15:04:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think up until a certain age it's fine and important, especially if your kid has access to the internet. I do think there comes a point though where you've got to trust your child and accept they are growing up and just pray to THE LORD ABOVE US that they are sensible and safe.

It's difficult because it's not like you snoop because you want to be nosy and get the juicy gossip, it's more because you want to protect them and make sure they're not in danger.

I don't want my baby to grow up.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Once they get to a certain age you really don’t want to look!

Too true!

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

I do check my kids internet history on a regular basis. Also used to have a program that I could basically see there pc screen.

Diaries I wouldnt read and avoid reading personal conversations. My daughter with downs I do check much more often. And glad I do as had a few times where the conversation wasnt appropriate at all.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

It’s a tough one and it’s finding that balance.

When my lad first started going out on his own, I got a running commentary even though it wasn’t asked for...... I’ve crossed the road, I’ve arrived in the park etc. He had a set time to be home always called to say on way home or can I stay out later.

I had a tracker on his phone, which he didn’t know about. One time he wasn’t in the park but gone to town on transport. When asked if he’d had a good time and what he’d done when arrived home, he said he’d been in the park and it was ok. This is when he got caught out as he lied.

I explained how I knew. Why it was important I have a rough idea where he is, you can go to town if plans change but you need to let me know. It’s basic trust, if you lie about a simple thing what else are you lying about.

It’s not happened since

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

I’ll add I don’t need to worry about internet as filters on high and if he’s not sure about a website he asks first and knows I can see exactly where he’s been, if I choose to

Mobile chat is private as past the review stage of how to use it, the good and the bad. It learnt a lesson the hard way when he handed his phone to a friend and they did something.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes.

Parents have a duty of care to their children. It’s not spying it is an important part of parenting in modern times where tablets and the like can open children up to bullying, grooming, abuse etc.

It’s all well and good thinking children are responsible enough and not to worry but they are CHILDREN.

Why wouldn’t you monitor? To those that say to build trust- I’d rather show my children I don’t trust them/other people than sit by in ignorance while they are coming to harm.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes.

Parents have a duty of care to their children. It’s not spying it is an important part of parenting in modern times where tablets and the like can open children up to bullying, grooming, abuse etc.

It’s all well and good thinking children are responsible enough and not to worry but they are CHILDREN.

Why wouldn’t you monitor? To those that say to build trust- I’d rather show my children I don’t trust them/other people than sit by in ignorance while they are coming to harm."

Totally agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Parents need to be more tech savvy too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes.

Parents have a duty of care to their children. It’s not spying it is an important part of parenting in modern times where tablets and the like can open children up to bullying, grooming, abuse etc.

It’s all well and good thinking children are responsible enough and not to worry but they are CHILDREN.

Why wouldn’t you monitor? To those that say to build trust- I’d rather show my children I don’t trust them/other people than sit by in ignorance while they are coming to harm."

This, plus I would add there is a legal responsibility for them as well.

Imagine finding out they had been accessing inappropriate content, and passing it on to their friends? That could get them in a whole heap of trouble!!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Parents need to be more tech savvy too."

They do and they need to realise that in 99% of cases their children will hide bad things from them.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Yes.

Parents have a duty of care to their children. It’s not spying it is an important part of parenting in modern times where tablets and the like can open children up to bullying, grooming, abuse etc.

It’s all well and good thinking children are responsible enough and not to worry but they are CHILDREN.

Why wouldn’t you monitor? To those that say to build trust- I’d rather show my children I don’t trust them/other people than sit by in ignorance while they are coming to harm.

This, plus I would add there is a legal responsibility for them as well.

Imagine finding out they had been accessing inappropriate content, and passing it on to their friends? That could get them in a whole heap of trouble!!"

Imagine something awful happening to your kid that you could have prevented.

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

My teenrager is almost 14. I've never asked for her passwords but she often logs in from my laptop or phone and so the information saves. If I had any big concerns of course I would snoop.

Luckily we have a good relationship and in the past she has told me of cyberpervs and bullying she encountered and we solved it together. I have faith in her to do the sensible thing without my meddling.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve no idea why but once I was getting all messages sent by my son come up on my phone and he was sexting a young lady from the UK!!!

So no I don’t want to spy on my kids as they are just as perverted as I am,yuk!!!!!

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

"Parents need to be more tech savvy too."
my kids hate that I'm very savvy lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was worried about this but then I found out its a big thing in schools now. My kids have had the old bill come in a few times to tell them about imternet safety.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Parents have responsibilities and mutual engagement with how kids trust and freedoms are sustained, is better than underhand behaviour that can knock trust as well as force habitual underhand evasion. Lessons learned young can be valuable but also debilitating as people age.

Parents can instil appropriate barriers and supervision that doesn't need to include anyone potentially feeling ashamed or afraid to be themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My nephew is only 2 and he cries for YouTube as soon as his eyes open in the mornings lol. If I had my way I would like to limit the time children spend online, because I think they should be doing other things rather than staring at screens for hours every day. I say yes definitely keep an eye on them.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I think it's a fine line to tread. Obviously you would want to keep your kids safe but you also do not want to give them reason to despise you. But ultimately I'm far from qualified to answer, this is just my opinion."

Definitely.

My parents were of the view that I had no privacy. It led me to believe that they could never be trusted, and so I ended up handling things on my own I shouldn't have done.

Btw, still don't trust them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes.

Parents have a duty of care to their children. It’s not spying it is an important part of parenting in modern times where tablets and the like can open children up to bullying, grooming, abuse etc.

It’s all well and good thinking children are responsible enough and not to worry but they are CHILDREN.

Why wouldn’t you monitor? To those that say to build trust- I’d rather show my children I don’t trust them/other people than sit by in ignorance while they are coming to harm.

This, plus I would add there is a legal responsibility for them as well.

Imagine finding out they had been accessing inappropriate content, and passing it on to their friends? That could get them in a whole heap of trouble!!

Imagine something awful happening to your kid that you could have prevented. "

I try not to helicopter, but I alsp dont even want to imagine, she is my world x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course I’d monitor what my daughter is up to online and whilst out and about.

I’m not naive enough to believe she’s going to be a perfect little angel who can be trusted 100%

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By *edHeadedFunWoman
over a year ago

Didsbury

I would say it depends on their age, with both my boys had I had full access to all social media up until around 14 with their knowledge. It's not so much you that you may not trust them but there are other factors. My youngest for example has ADHD and Aspergers so there were extra limits needed and having access to his social media helped a lot with some issues that happened. But I wasn't looking there constantly. They are 24 and 19 now and both talk to me openly (the 19 year old maybe too openly)

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I'm certainly not saying that no parent should ever monitor any child ever. But there's a balance to be had. My parents royally fucked up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm certainly not saying that no parent should ever monitor any child ever. But there's a balance to be had. My parents royally fucked up."

I am sure theres a book about that.

Mine did too, but there comes a point where I decided I would be me, despite them, rather than because of them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/05/20 16:03:44]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm certainly not saying that no parent should ever monitor any child ever. But there's a balance to be had. My parents royally fucked up."

I can only judge from my group of friends growing up. it seemed the overly strict and the couldn’t give a fuck camp brought about the same results.

The balance in the middle is where the better behaved ones seemed to be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Throughout my son’s life we tried to set age appropriate boundaries and talked with him about what was expected of him. Then we trusted him. Apart from one period when he was 6 which he didn’t talk about until years later he was always open with us about his activity. He liked to show us what he was doing. As a result he has developed into a fine young adult, with considerable moral fibre. He was so open with us that when he went to University he shared his location so his mum would be less worried about him. He even informed us when he lost his virginity and other stories I would never have told my parents. My own parenting was much stricter, loving mostly but built on a very different set of values.

We were happy that he blocked us from seeing most of his activity on his Facebook account and Instagram as a teenager as he needed his privacy. However now he wants us to share in those aspects of his life. I think we did ok.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’ve no idea why but once I was getting all messages sent by my son come up on my phone and he was sexting a young lady from the UK!!!

So no I don’t want to spy on my kids as they are just as perverted as I am,yuk!!!!!

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I'm certainly not saying that no parent should ever monitor any child ever. But there's a balance to be had. My parents royally fucked up.

I can only judge from my group of friends growing up. it seemed the overly strict and the couldn’t give a fuck camp brought about the same results.

The balance in the middle is where the better behaved ones seemed to be. "

I think I am who I am, as said above, in spite of my parents, not because of them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought it is one of those daily chores of all parents.

They trust them really.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

All I will say is that by monitoring/spying/interfering or whatever you want to call it we stopped a very bad thing from happening.

Parents know their kids, they know when to step in and when to butt out in most cases.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"All I will say is that by monitoring/spying/interfering or whatever you want to call it we stopped a very bad thing from happening.

Parents know their kids, they know when to step in and when to butt out in most cases. "

I'm not doubting your specific situation at all x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All I will say is that by monitoring/spying/interfering or whatever you want to call it we stopped a very bad thing from happening.

Parents know their kids, they know when to step in and when to butt out in most cases. "

Yes. Like I said my two are totally different. You know your own kids.

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By *oneyBear100Couple
over a year ago

Gatwick area

In an ideal world we'd love to say no. But now and again if you are a responsible parent you have to take a more active eye or interest.

Gotta keep them safe.

Our rules where when our Son was growing up that Mr would do occasional spot checks but he never denigrated or said a word negatively unless he saw a risk.

Kids gotta grow up sometime and so long as they know porn isn't like the real world it's a life lesson on it's own!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"All I will say is that by monitoring/spying/interfering or whatever you want to call it we stopped a very bad thing from happening.

Parents know their kids, they know when to step in and when to butt out in most cases.

Yes. Like I said my two are totally different. You know your own kids. "

Yes, we only needed to monitor one of ours closely. The other wasn't that bothered with it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"All I will say is that by monitoring/spying/interfering or whatever you want to call it we stopped a very bad thing from happening.

Parents know their kids, they know when to step in and when to butt out in most cases.

I'm not doubting your specific situation at all x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The 'Arkangel' episode of Black Mirror had a pretty interesting take on this.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Knowing what I got up to as a kid and teenager, I would go with a yes.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Depends on the age.

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

Yes. I do check their phones. Their dad gave her snapchat and instagram accounts...she is 10.

They both have tiktok accounts. Son is 11. I check who they are chatting with, posting etc. I found some guy was messaging our daughter on insta....blocked him.

Their dad has verbally abused me via our sons mobile phone 2 years ago. Heck he got them phones against my wishes sure!!

My ex doesnt check all this stuff. He even created a FB account for our son when he was just 9. Ridiculous. I deleted it.

I monitor all their online stuff. Its my responsibility.

MsD

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Get a group of kids together on a social media platform and its only a matter of time before things go Lord Of The Flies.

A few years ago I had to read through months of chat logs of a group of young teenagers, some of the stuff was eyewatering and if it wasn't for their ages, probably criminal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well to be honest i used to do that until she was 16 after that ive seen stuff she was browsing i shouldnt see att all..so ive stop it and trust her but if course you alwais have that worry but its all bout trust..

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

I agree with this I checked my kids to when they were younger they grown up now

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By *alking HeadMan
over a year ago

Bolton

My kids didn't get mobiles till they were at secondary school, and those phones were only capable of texting and phoning. I could have afforded to buy them internet capable phones, but they didn't NEED them. I find it quite easy to say no to my kids. They learnt from an early age that mithering for stuff wasn't the way to go. They had internet access via laptops. Those were kept in their rooms and I could restrict access to unsuitable sites and how often they could access the internet. It's not difficult, if you read the instructions!

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By *adame 2SwordsWoman
over a year ago

Victoria, London

Spying is trying to control

There is no such thing as love and control, it's one or the other.

My mom stalked me online because I wouldn't engage, walked away from my family because of the controlling ways

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would never spy/snoop on my kids. One of them did it to us and found out far more that they wanted to know!

You have to trust that you've brought your kids up to make sensible and informed choices and decisions.

I just had a conversation with my girls actually.

They were taking the dog for a walk and asked if they could take my car to a local beauty spot. Neither of them are insured. So I said "yes but if you get caught,you stole it"

Take the car if you want but think about the bigger picture before you decide. Which they did and didn't take the car. I wouldn't actually have let them take it but they are young adults and needed to reach that conclusion for themselves

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