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"Dear Aunty P After 87 (seems like) weeks of lockdown with my child I feel like marmalizing the little cherub this weekend. Do you have any suggestions, or alternatively the details of good boarding schools that are still taking customers? Thank you in advance "You need to get some wizard blood, inject it into the small person. Within 24 hours the mini-you shall receive a letter delivered by courier sparrow.... Bogwarts here they come. Once there they will learn to use their fandangled wizardy powers to get your bathroom sparkling clean. Will take a few years to nail it, they'll continually miss a spot and have to keep practicing. Once they've perfected the bathroom they're allowed to use skills on the rest of the house. Only then are they released and can't fucking wait to show you their skillage. You'll never have to clean again. | |||
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"I wanted to break up with someone so I invited her round last night to speak to her but then she let me put it in her bum and now I think I want to marry her The question is, do I want to marry her? or do I have bootylust?" Easy. If she left you a sweetcorn down your japs it's marriage, if not..... see ya beeeyaaaaaatch | |||
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"I wanted to break up with someone so I invited her round last night to speak to her but then she let me put it in her bum and now I think I want to marry her The question is, do I want to marry her? or do I have bootylust? Easy. If she left you a sweetcorn down your japs it's marriage, if not..... see ya beeeyaaaaaatch " Best buy yourself a new hat then Invites in the post | |||
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"There’s a spider in my room somewhere. I spotted him earlier, so I did the grown up thing of putting a glass over him. Should I set fire to the house and move? Or should I stop being dramatic and just love in my car? " Ahhh, you live in your car til lockdown is done, then invite POF over to meet your friend for a 3some. You will never see a grown man cry and turn into a toddler so damn quickly as when he lays eyes on that arachnid Film it so not only will you get a giggle but also £250 from you've been framed plus possible you tube royalties. | |||
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"I wanted to break up with someone so I invited her round last night to speak to her but then she let me put it in her bum and now I think I want to marry her The question is, do I want to marry her? or do I have bootylust? Easy. If she left you a sweetcorn down your japs it's marriage, if not..... see ya beeeyaaaaaatch Best buy yourself a new hat then Invites in the post "Ooooooo yaaaaaay The gift of a golden nugget is definitely NOT to be sniffed at. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have just completed a perfect circle. 1. Mop the kitchen floor 2. Wait for it to dry. 3. Put toast in toaster. 4. Put jam on kitchen unit 5. Let baggy housecoat hang open while filling kettle. 6. Think , 'What the fuck is that?' as jam hits the floor. 7. Look at shattered jam jar. 8. Put shattered jam jar in bin. 9. Get crocs on pdq....... 10. Brush whole of kitchen floor with teen brush and pan. 11. Put all glass slivers and fucked up jam in bin. 12. Mop kitchen floor. Am I doomed to spend life this way ?" G-Crumps, my dear G-Crumps........ You could always do your toast whilst in the bath so any crumbs, spillage or jam slopping will simply vanish down the plughole upon drainage. You're clean, floor is clean and nothing bad whatsoever could happen | |||
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"There’s a spider in my room somewhere. I spotted him earlier, so I did the grown up thing of putting a glass over him. Should I set fire to the house and move? Or should I stop being dramatic and just love in my car? Ahhh, you live in your car til lockdown is done, then invite POF over to meet your friend for a 3some. You will never see a grown man cry and turn into a toddler so damn quickly as when he lays eyes on that arachnid Film it so not only will you get a giggle but also £250 from you've been framed plus possible you tube royalties. " Thank you Auntie P! Unrelated, PoF- when this is over would you like to have a threesome with me and my friend? | |||
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"It was a teeny brush meaning small..... not teen brush as in young brush exploitation." Now that is a relief, I was about to call child slavery peeps on ya | |||
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"There’s a spider in my room somewhere. I spotted him earlier, so I did the grown up thing of putting a glass over him. Should I set fire to the house and move? Or should I stop being dramatic and just love in my car? Ahhh, you live in your car til lockdown is done, then invite POF over to meet your friend for a 3some. You will never see a grown man cry and turn into a toddler so damn quickly as when he lays eyes on that arachnid Film it so not only will you get a giggle but also £250 from you've been framed plus possible you tube royalties. Thank you Auntie P! Unrelated, PoF- when this is over would you like to have a threesome with me and my friend? " As long its completely unrelated to the spider, count me in | |||
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"I think I’m getting the ick??? Is it reversible? " Have you tried turning it inside out? | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have just completed a perfect circle. 1. Mop the kitchen floor 2. Wait for it to dry. 3. Put toast in toaster. 4. Put jam on kitchen unit 5. Let baggy housecoat hang open while filling kettle. 6. Think , 'What the fuck is that?' as jam hits the floor. 7. Look at shattered jam jar. 8. Put shattered jam jar in bin. 9. Get crocs on pdq....... 10. Brush whole of kitchen floor with teen brush and pan. 11. Put all glass slivers and fucked up jam in bin. 12. Mop kitchen floor. Am I doomed to spend life this way ? G-Crumps, my dear G-Crumps........ You could always do your toast whilst in the bath so any crumbs, spillage or jam slopping will simply vanish down the plughole upon drainage. You're clean, floor is clean and nothing bad whatsoever could happen" I'm serious now. It's bath n jam toast from now on ............ bit worried about glass up me faj tho | |||
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"Auntie P Yesterday, I spent quite a bit of money on new lingerie but it was in the sale (25% off). Obviously that means I actually saved money, right?? Also, I didn't tell S I was buying them "You gotta spin this round or you're dooooooooomed. When the new undergrundies arrive you're gonna have to hide them. That day you just so happen to feel a pamper session coming on for you both. Spoil the fucker rotten. Whilst super relaxed you pop to the loo and adorn your newly acquired sale items and walk back in with confidence and intent. "Hey baby, I got you a gift......" Putty in your hands. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have just completed a perfect circle. 1. Mop the kitchen floor 2. Wait for it to dry. 3. Put toast in toaster. 4. Put jam on kitchen unit 5. Let baggy housecoat hang open while filling kettle. 6. Think , 'What the fuck is that?' as jam hits the floor. 7. Look at shattered jam jar. 8. Put shattered jam jar in bin. 9. Get crocs on pdq....... 10. Brush whole of kitchen floor with teen brush and pan. 11. Put all glass slivers and fucked up jam in bin. 12. Mop kitchen floor. Am I doomed to spend life this way ? G-Crumps, my dear G-Crumps........ You could always do your toast whilst in the bath so any crumbs, spillage or jam slopping will simply vanish down the plughole upon drainage. You're clean, floor is clean and nothing bad whatsoever could happen I'm serious now. It's bath n jam toast from now on ............ bit worried about glass up me faj tho " Such a worry wart. Wedge the jar between your boobies. | |||
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"I think I’m getting the ick??? Is it reversible? Have you tried turning it inside out? " No I will try this. Thank you Auntie P x | |||
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"Dear aunty p I'm a man of the fab cloth and tomorrow I'm scheduled to do Sunday's confessions, problem is the congregation, they are truly a bunch of twisted, perverted cunts and leave me with one holey erection. What to do? "Tape it to a broomstick with gaffa tape. The removal of said tape will only hurt a ridiculous amount and remind it to be on it's best behaviour during such serious times. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P I have 29,635 loo rolls in my front room. Where should I put my 294,286 packets of farfalle?" Leave it all out in the rain and see how long it takes to reach full absorption plus measurements of before and after. Will keep you busy | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I don't get fanny snot. Am I not being turned on enough? Is my body failing me? Yours sincerely ConcernedQuimella"  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I don't get fanny snot. Am I not being turned on enough? Is my body failing me? Yours sincerely ConcernedQuimella" Fanny snot isn't something that happens always. You probably do get it but don't see it. Fanny snot you see is the pluggy thing that would remain inside you if you were to eat a bun and leave it there for 9 months (give or take) If you don't eat the bun then it doesn't need to stay up inside ya and gets discarded. Sometimes it falls down the loo like a ghost, no knowledge whatsoever, may not have even existed, other times you may feel like you have a bubble that needs to pop right at your chuff hole (that's probably fanny snot making it's escape) Other times you may have a wee and when you wipe you think "what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is that " it's like a slug with no head, clear but stringy and just 
You remember those wall walkers? The things you'd hurl at the wall and they'd walk themselves down, a bit sticky, a bit slimy..... yeah, that's fanny snot plug.
So my dear Meli, has nowt to do with being turned on, I bet you get wetter than an otters pocket where it matters, and even if you don't.... lady lube.
I would send you a fanny snot sample, but I'm unsure if it remains the same consistency once expelled and posted via royal mail. You may end up with what looks like a dairylea dunker | |||
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"Dear Aunty P I have met a lady on here, well when I say met I mean I stalk her profile every hour of every day. I have added her to Facebook under my pseudonym, read all her tweets, even started to use my lockdown essential exercises to walk to her house and hide behind her bins to watch her sniff her own armpits after a heavy joe wicks session. What else can I do to get her to fall madly in love with me?" It simply has to be the handwritten note. By handwritten I mean hand crafted. Make sure you wear gloves mind you whilst crafting. Get yourself a few sheets of A4 paper and all the daily newspapers. Cut out the letters from the newspapers and "write" that note. It won't look suspicious at all | |||
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"Dear aunty p I'm a man of the fab cloth and tomorrow I'm scheduled to do Sunday's confessions, problem is the congregation, they are truly a bunch of twisted, perverted cunts and leave me with one holey erection. What to do?
Sound advice. Thanks aunt.
Also just been informed its Sunday today so I'm screwed anyway
Tape it to a broomstick with gaffa tape. The removal of said tape will only hurt a ridiculous amount and remind it to be on it's best behaviour during such serious times."  | |||
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"Hi auntie p. I'm struggling to find motivation on fitting my kitchen. I'm spending too much time pervin on here, then wanking on porn hub, while listening to Oasis live on YouTube. Any advice? " Don't pay your internet bill. Will save money and keep you off the porn sites ya big ole pervo | |||
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"Dear Aunty P I have met a lady on here, well when I say met I mean I stalk her profile every hour of every day. I have added her to Facebook under my pseudonym, read all her tweets, even started to use my lockdown essential exercises to walk to her house and hide behind her bins to watch her sniff her own armpits after a heavy joe wicks session. What else can I do to get her to fall madly in love with me?"  | |||
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"Hi Auntie P, I want to fuck the Postie, I dont get out much! Should I get him in?" He's likely to be the only person tending your letterbox so I'd leave a note on the outside for him. Dear postie, my minge is healing over and I have decided you're the perfect candidate to save it from eternal damnation. Be a gent or I'll claymore the letterbox and blow your fucking arms off | |||
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"Dear auntie P, I hope you are well I’ve had corona so hopefully I’m done but.... I’m enjoying my time at home way too much.... just missing the odd interaction here and there Sending you hugs - prickly moma xx " Dear prickly moma, you have genuinely brought a tear to mine peepers. Build a moat around your dwelling and only spesh people are allowed past the grimacing corocodilia guarding your manor. The crocs will know the good folk from the bad, they'll sniff it out and feel the vibage. You need not leave. I do hope you are all good now sweet, rona can go fuck itself | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, What's the best way to remove embarrassing stains from a watermelon. Got a little frisky last night whilst watching Baywatch re-runs and just found out someone has plans to make a fruit salad later today........
A"You don't. It's a "new variety" and you sit and smirk watching everyone eat it, knowing what you did. You sick sick bastard. | |||
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"Hi Auntie P, I want to fuck the Postie, I dont get out much! Should I get him in? He's likely to be the only person tending your letterbox so I'd leave a note on the outside for him. Dear postie, my minge is healing over and I have decided you're the perfect candidate to save it from eternal damnation. Be a gent or I'll claymore the letterbox and blow your fucking arms off" Ooh, if he sticks it through the letterbox into my waiting derriere, that qualifies as social distancing right?  | |||
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"Hi Auntie P, I want to fuck the Postie, I dont get out much! Should I get him in? He's likely to be the only person tending your letterbox so I'd leave a note on the outside for him. Dear postie, my minge is healing over and I have decided you're the perfect candidate to save it from eternal damnation. Be a gent or I'll claymore the letterbox and blow your fucking arms off Ooh, if he sticks it through the letterbox into my waiting derriere, that qualifies as social distancing right? "Is this still the same postie or a new one? | |||
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"Between you and I, I FUCKING HATE having to cook 3 sometimes 4 different meals every bastard day for my kid when all she says when I ask her what to eat is “I dunno, anything” like ok do you want Bolognese, Noooo, curry, nooo, chicken dippers and smilies, boo don’t fancy that. FUCK OFF THEN, she’s 10 I know I’m cruel. " Not cruel at all, you're giving her a damn choice! That's where you're falling my love. By all means give her a choice, the choice to eat what you're cooking or to go hungry. Now, you can give her the option to help you select what to cook as you can't make your your mind, what does she suggest? Then list a few things you fancy (or what you think she might fancy) and ask if there's anything else she can think of. If she doesn't input, she gets what she's given. She will soon learn. Don't forget she may be stressed too and her appetite could be up n down, plus with not doing as much physical activity her body doesn't need as much fuel as when at school. I wouldn't stress it too much, just do you and let her roll with it. Or ... you could hang her from the washing line and play the cheeky girls on repeat until she bends to your will | |||
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"Hi Auntie P, I want to fuck the Postie, I dont get out much! Should I get him in? He's likely to be the only person tending your letterbox so I'd leave a note on the outside for him. Dear postie, my minge is healing over and I have decided you're the perfect candidate to save it from eternal damnation. Be a gent or I'll claymore the letterbox and blow your fucking arms off Ooh, if he sticks it through the letterbox into my waiting derriere, that qualifies as social distancing right?
Is this still the same postie or a new one? "The same one!
I know he fancies me too though!  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, I wish to master the amazing art of auto-fellatio but my mouth is still a good thirty centimetres from the top of my John Thomas. Would it be breaking lockdown rules if I called in my postman to stand on my back to push me down the last few inches? " Forget the postman, Testarossa has already claimed him. You need to tie a rope to your wardrobe, get in the position, back facing wardrobe and PULL. The weight of the tumbling clothes holder will surely do the trick. And if it doesn't and it knocks you out instead, well, you'll wake a few hours closer to the end of lockdown | |||
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"Between you and I, I FUCKING HATE having to cook 3 sometimes 4 different meals every bastard day for my kid when all she says when I ask her what to eat is “I dunno, anything” like ok do you want Bolognese, Noooo, curry, nooo, chicken dippers and smilies, boo don’t fancy that. FUCK OFF THEN, she’s 10 I know I’m cruel. Not cruel at all, you're giving her a damn choice! That's where you're falling my love. By all means give her a choice, the choice to eat what you're cooking or to go hungry. Now, you can give her the option to help you select what to cook as you can't make your your mind, what does she suggest? Then list a few things you fancy (or what you think she might fancy) and ask if there's anything else she can think of. If she doesn't input, she gets what she's given. She will soon learn. Don't forget she may be stressed too and her appetite could be up n down, plus with not doing as much physical activity her body doesn't need as much fuel as when at school. I wouldn't stress it too much, just do you and let her roll with it. Or ... you could hang her from the washing line and play the cheeky girls on repeat until she bends to your will " I’ve asked her to make a menu with all her favourite meals but if she had her way she’d eat tomato and basil sauce with pasta every day! | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, I wish to master the amazing art of auto-fellatio but my mouth is still a good thirty centimetres from the top of my John Thomas. Would it be breaking lockdown rules if I called in my postman to stand on my back to push me down the last few inches? Forget the postman, Testarossa has already claimed him. You need to tie a rope to your wardrobe, get in the position, back facing wardrobe and PULL. The weight of the tumbling clothes holder will surely do the trick. And if it doesn't and it knocks you out instead, well, you'll wake a few hours closer to the end of lockdown " Thank you Auntie Your ingenious wardrobe pulley system will surely help me to achieve my wondrous goal. I’ll keep you posted on my penile/mouth proximity progress and fully expect to top men’s pics with photos of my eventual success  | |||
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"Between you and I, I FUCKING HATE having to cook 3 sometimes 4 different meals every bastard day for my kid when all she says when I ask her what to eat is “I dunno, anything” like ok do you want Bolognese, Noooo, curry, nooo, chicken dippers and smilies, boo don’t fancy that. FUCK OFF THEN, she’s 10 I know I’m cruel. Not cruel at all, you're giving her a damn choice! That's where you're falling my love. By all means give her a choice, the choice to eat what you're cooking or to go hungry. Now, you can give her the option to help you select what to cook as you can't make your your mind, what does she suggest? Then list a few things you fancy (or what you think she might fancy) and ask if there's anything else she can think of. If she doesn't input, she gets what she's given. She will soon learn. Don't forget she may be stressed too and her appetite could be up n down, plus with not doing as much physical activity her body doesn't need as much fuel as when at school. I wouldn't stress it too much, just do you and let her roll with it. Or ... you could hang her from the washing line and play the cheeky girls on repeat until she bends to your will I’ve asked her to make a menu with all her favourite meals but if she had her way she’d eat tomato and basil sauce with pasta every day! " Urgh, my spawn was like that with supernoodles | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, For the last couple of weeks, the most erotic thing I can think of is being big spoon to a beautiful woman and waking her up with gentle kisses to the back of her neck. Do I have to hand in my pervert card?" Not in the slightest, these times are showing us what we really want in life. Your pervo card is only to be revoked in extreme cases of mind dilution lasting 4 score and seventy-twelve days. If you don't get a stonk on after that time whilst being seduced by a siren who's desire is for you to do whatever the fuck you want to her, then the card gets handed back | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, For the last couple of weeks, the most erotic thing I can think of is being big spoon to a beautiful woman and waking her up with gentle kisses to the back of her neck. Do I have to hand in my pervert card? Not in the slightest, these times are showing us what we really want in life. Your pervo card is only to be revoked in extreme cases of mind dilution lasting 4 score and seventy-twelve days. If you don't get a stonk on after that time whilst being seduced by a siren who's desire is for you to do whatever the fuck you want to her, then the card gets handed back " Might as well hand it back now, the chances of me being seduced by anyone, let alone a siren, in the next ever is functionally zero. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, For the last couple of weeks, the most erotic thing I can think of is being big spoon to a beautiful woman and waking her up with gentle kisses to the back of her neck. Do I have to hand in my pervert card? Not in the slightest, these times are showing us what we really want in life. Your pervo card is only to be revoked in extreme cases of mind dilution lasting 4 score and seventy-twelve days. If you don't get a stonk on after that time whilst being seduced by a siren who's desire is for you to do whatever the fuck you want to her, then the card gets handed back Might as well hand it back now, the chances of me being seduced by anyone, let alone a siren, in the next ever is functionally zero." Dreams count in this dilemma. It's all I have right now so gotta believe in them | |||
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"Between you and I, I FUCKING HATE having to cook 3 sometimes 4 different meals every bastard day for my kid when all she says when I ask her what to eat is “I dunno, anything” like ok do you want Bolognese, Noooo, curry, nooo, chicken dippers and smilies, boo don’t fancy that. FUCK OFF THEN, she’s 10 I know I’m cruel. " If I was self isolating with 10 year old child she’d eat what I put on the table.... 2 or 3 days in she’d get the message .... | |||
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My problem is that my prized chewy figurine has now developed a slightly pungent odour and I’m worried the guys at my local Star Wars appreciation group will suss it out when we get back together for our monthly play meet in June hopefully... any advice is appreciated xx | |||
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"Dear auntie p I’m concerned about my chewbacca figure. This morning in a common state of man morning feeling I decided to relive one of my teenage kinks and put a generous portion of shower gel on him and inserted him into my bum hole whilst stroking myself off to a steady beat. Once I’d done my filthy business onto a man sized tissue I quickly cleaned everything up and came out of the bathroom like the innocent young gentleman I am
My problem is that my prized chewy figurine has now developed a slightly pungent odour and I’m worried the guys at my local Star Wars appreciation group will suss it out when we get back together for our monthly play meet in June hopefully... any advice is appreciated xx"Easy peasy, he got Wookie-Rona and came close to death. He rotted a wee bit from the infection don't ya know. Next time use General Grievous, nobody will miss him Scummo | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, How can I balance my insanely out of control craving for chocolate with my desire not to gain even more weight by the end of this fandango? Mrs TMN x" Coat said chocolate in cabbage and sprouts. Even you ain't suck enough to put that in yer mouth | |||
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"Dear auntie p I’m concerned about my chewbacca figure. This morning in a common state of man morning feeling I decided to relive one of my teenage kinks and put a generous portion of shower gel on him and inserted him into my bum hole whilst stroking myself off to a steady beat. Once I’d done my filthy business onto a man sized tissue I quickly cleaned everything up and came out of the bathroom like the innocent young gentleman I am
My problem is that my prized chewy figurine has now developed a slightly pungent odour and I’m worried the guys at my local Star Wars appreciation group will suss it out when we get back together for our monthly play meet in June hopefully... any advice is appreciated xx
Easy peasy, he got Wookie-Rona and came close to death. He rotted a wee bit from the infection don't ya know.
Next time use General Grievous, nobody will miss him
Scummo "What about all those arms!! Think I’m gonna need more lube  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, How can I balance my insanely out of control craving for chocolate with my desire not to gain even more weight by the end of this fandango? Mrs TMN x Coat said chocolate in cabbage and sprouts. Even you ain't suck enough to put that in yer mouth " Hmmm. I might just be that desperate... | |||
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"Dear auntie p I’m concerned about my chewbacca figure. This morning in a common state of man morning feeling I decided to relive one of my teenage kinks and put a generous portion of shower gel on him and inserted him into my bum hole whilst stroking myself off to a steady beat. Once I’d done my filthy business onto a man sized tissue I quickly cleaned everything up and came out of the bathroom like the innocent young gentleman I am
My problem is that my prized chewy figurine has now developed a slightly pungent odour and I’m worried the guys at my local Star Wars appreciation group will suss it out when we get back together for our monthly play meet in June hopefully... any advice is appreciated xx
Easy peasy, he got Wookie-Rona and came close to death. He rotted a wee bit from the infection don't ya know.
Next time use General Grievous, nobody will miss him
Scummo
What about all those arms!!
Think I’m gonna need more lube
"Exactly what I was thinking! Ouch | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Like you, it’s been a tough week or two and I’ve been lucky to be helped by a Fab friend through messages. There’s still a long way to go but I’d like her to know I appreciate everything. What should I do?" I'm gonna take a stab up the poop chute and say you don't need to. I'm sure she knows and I'm sure it's reciprocated. If you aren't convinced you could always make yourself a lampshade with her face printed on it, I'm sure it would be horrific | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Like you, it’s been a tough week or two and I’ve been lucky to be helped by a Fab friend through messages. There’s still a long way to go but I’d like her to know I appreciate everything. What should I do? I'm gonna take a stab up the poop chute and say you don't need to. I'm sure she knows and I'm sure it's reciprocated. If you aren't convinced you could always make yourself a lampshade with her face printed on it, I'm sure it would be horrific " I’m on the case, doing my tribute pictures so close to mains voltage and a hot surface will add a pleasing sense of danger too | |||
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"Dear Aunty P After 87 (seems like) weeks of lockdown with my child I feel like marmalizing the little cherub this weekend. Do you have any suggestions, or alternatively the details of good boarding schools that are still taking customers? Thank you in advance
You need to get some wizard blood, inject it into the small person. Within 24 hours the mini-you shall receive a letter delivered by courier sparrow....
Bogwarts here they come.
Once there they will learn to use their fandangled wizardy powers to get your bathroom sparkling clean. Will take a few years to nail it, they'll continually miss a spot and have to keep practicing.
Once they've perfected the bathroom they're allowed to use skills on the rest of the house. Only then are they released and can't fucking wait to show you their skillage.
You'll never have to clean again."Yay! Thank you | |||
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