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Best ever Put Down

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

I was in a supermarket getting my essentials and two d*unks were arguing about money and one guys pal piped up and the other guy said ‘hey if I want you to squeak I’ll squeeze you’

Had me rolling in the aisle but still keeping my 2m distance.

What’s the best one liner put down you have heard or used ?

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

He’s got teeth like piano keys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

More pricks than a second hand dart board.

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By *onglegs888Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Upon being called fatty..... said fat bloke replied “I’m fat cos every time I fuck your mom she gives me a biscuit”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The line Clive Owen says in the film ‘Closer’ thank you, thank you for your honesty, now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag! Always thought that was pretty brutal!

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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago

Ho Chi Minge City

The best part of you ran down your mothers leg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

nice teeth

shame about the face

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

BOBFOC

Body off baywatch face off crimewatch

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By *MP3Man
over a year ago

Between Scylla and Charybdis

You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've taken better looking shits

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

NFFFFN

Nice from fare, far from nice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"BOBFOC

Body off baywatch face off crimewatch "

Someone said that to me when I told them they weren’t my type, thing is they’d never even seen my face, which I can confirm is better than my body

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By *olex99Man
over a year ago

Hull

When John Lennon was asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world. Lennon replied that Ringo wasn't even the best drummer in the Beatles. Savage putdown

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When John Lennon was asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world. Lennon replied that Ringo wasn't even the best drummer in the Beatles. Savage putdown"

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By *irth.Minge.FireMan
over a year ago

Seen in far off places


"When John Lennon was asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world. Lennon replied that Ringo wasn't even the best drummer in the Beatles. Savage putdown"

A classic!

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

That reminds me of Churchill. He had some belters. Apparently a female politician said that if he were her husband she would poison him at which he replied of you were my wife I would drink it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of my favourites I heard in a d*unken couples argument was "Your cock isn't big enough for that attitude, lower your voice"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is that your own brain or are you testing it for an idiot ?

You'll need to use brute force & ignorance to shift that & since you can muster up much brute force you'll have to use what you have got pleanty of.

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london


"You look like something I'd draw with my left hand."

Hahaaa

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

If you want my comeback you will have to suck it out of your mum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's time you left.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You look like a bull dog licking piss off a stinging nettle.

It's harsh but very funny

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester


"I think it's time you left."

Really ? What a t@@t !!!

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By *he_virgin_maryWoman
over a year ago

Here, there and everywhere!

Your a wanker, shame your father wasn't!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it's time you left.

Really ? What a t@@t !!! "

I know I am

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did ya get a pair of knickers with that haircut cos you look a right cunt.

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By *odd4funnMan
over a year ago

Walthamstow Leyton

Classic

I may be fat at least i can loose weight

You will always be ugly

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester


"I think it's time you left.

Really ? What a t@@t !!!

I know I am "

He obviously had trouble with his vision

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

She said "you've got a small organ"

He said "I didn't know I'd be playing in a church"

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

I hope your next shit a hedgehog.

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By *jonesMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

When I want your opinion ...I'll give it to you...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Behave or I will pul your fanny flaps over your head and make you look like a sugar puff

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By *lint-EverhardMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

Why dont you fuck off, and when you get there fuck off some more!

I've used this, only once but on a very rare occasion when it comes to mind during a very heated discussion.

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By *lint-EverhardMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

How can you be so ugly with only one head?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"BOBFOC

Body off baywatch face off crimewatch

Someone said that to me when I told them they weren’t my type, thing is they’d never even seen my face, which I can confirm is better than my body "

We're sure it is but we'd need proof, of course

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By *uicy jonesMan
over a year ago

near a big hill in s/ shropshire NOT in

Mother taking to her bratty 18 year old daughter !!!! Wish I'd swallowed years 18 .5 years ago !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shes a Kronenberg

Looks 16 from behind but 64 from the front.

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By *orbidden eastMan
over a year ago

london dodging electric scooters


"Upon being called fatty..... said fat bloke replied “I’m fat cos every time I fuck your mom she gives me a biscuit”"

That’s bad but yet so good

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You remind me of a bird, im thinking a Thrush. Why? Because you're an irritating c*nt.

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By *ee04Man
over a year ago

Essex


"BOBFOC

Body off baywatch face off crimewatch

Someone said that to me when I told them they weren’t my type, thing is they’d never even seen my face, which I can confirm is better than my body "

Thad have to be one stunning face

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Fuck off back to Burger King you Whopper

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By *uicy jonesMan
over a year ago

near a big hill in s/ shropshire NOT in

You got a pen? Answer yes ,,, reply well fuck off back in it then you ugly pig

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By *ee04Man
over a year ago

Essex

When I was at Uni I used to work Salford market every Saturday. One day we’re packing up the stall, a young girl walks past with 2 kids one a toddler the other in a pram.

The toddler is crying mum I want to see my dad, she has obviously had this for a while the kid is getting louder she stops turn s on the kid and screams. “I’ve fucking told you a hundred times I don’t know who your fucking dad is”

We couldn’t believe what we’d heard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two of my brothers were having an argument years ago and one called the other an ugly fecker, the which the other replied:-

'Era, away boy and have a gawk at yourself in the mirror. Do you realise if I had a dog with a face like your's, I'd shave his arse and make him walk backwards'.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"Better a lapdog to a slip of the a girl than a............. Git"

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By *ooskiMan
over a year ago

south coast

An old boss put his hand into his pocket.....rustles around and pulls out a 20 pence piece....hands it to a moaning staff member........and loudly says " here, phone someone that cares" and walks away.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She said "you've got a small organ"

He said "I didn't know I'd be playing in a church""

This tickled me a bit

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Another of Churchill's when he was accused of being d*unk;

I may be d*unk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than talk to you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see the fuck up fairy has visited us again

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

Said to my ex, whilst on phone to MrD...."at least MrD doesnt have to take viagra to get hard, he can get an erection on his own".

My ex is an evil git, he deserved that comment. He took viagra for our whole 18yr relationship....but failed to inform me & had an affair.

MsD

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are those kids twins?

Do they fuckin look like twins?

Naw, but am suprised someone woulx fuck yi twice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You got a head like a Witchdoctors rattle

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

A good one a pal used on a night out when he was approached by a rough looking woman

‘I’d rather fight her than fuck her’

She was a growler to be fair but I think she could have whooped his ass then ridden him.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Why am I talking to you, you are a Neanderthal.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Empty vessels, make the most noise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A good one a pal used on a night out when he was approached by a rough looking woman

‘I’d rather fight her than fuck her’

She was a growler to be fair but I think she could have whooped his ass then ridden him. "

Was it me?

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

What’s your favourite machine at the gym, the vending machine?

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By *ibbyhunterCouple
over a year ago

keighley

Woman to Groucho Marx sir if you were my husband I would poison you,Groucho to woman madam if you were my wife I would drink it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and the depth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Picked this one up from a friend - I’d rather rough my vagina up with a cheese grater and douse it in caustic soda than go anywhere near you.

It comes in handy when you gets messages like “can I get you pregnant”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Picked this one up from a friend - I’d rather rough my vagina up with a cheese grater and douse it in caustic soda than go anywhere near you.

It comes in handy when you gets messages like “can I get you pregnant”"

Damn, that is brutal!! Think we got a winner. It the famale equivalent of "I'd rather have a wank with sandpaper in my hand".

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By *lbatross77Man
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm not saying you're ugly but when you were born, they put tinted glass on your incubator.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh look, it's just like a penis, only smaller!

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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago

Ho Chi Minge City

I’m not saying you’re ugly, but when you were a kid your mum used to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Put your teeth down and gimme the ball....

To this day I still chuckle, and have no idea where it came from or why it was said just an ‘in joke’ that lasted years....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Genuinely lol’ing at some of these!

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By *hill1965Man
over a year ago

Camberley


"What’s your favourite machine at the gym, the vending machine? "
PMSL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your a mistake, your dad had a wet dream and your mum rolled over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You was a wank until your mum jumped on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Said to twins!

So which one of you was unplanned, not wanted and was the mistake?

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By *linyMan
over a year ago

Manchester/London

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

I’ve used this on several occasions

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

When you were born you were that ugly your mum used to PULL your pram around the town.

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By *nly us 4448Couple
over a year ago

London

Was once flashed on my way home. I simply asked in a loud voice if it came in adult size. He promptly put it away whilst I walked off laughing

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By *esireXposedMan
over a year ago

East sussex

Have you had a charisma bypass?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd teach it to walk backwards!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the greatest put downs I’ve heard was directed at ME!! Many years ago I was in a night club eyeing up a stunna!! I went up to her and asked her to dance, she politely said “ no thank you” well, me being the ignorant, twenty something, cock sure twat I was at the time, said to her “ blokes like me don’t grow on trees you know “ to which came back the reply , “ no I know! They swing from them!” Talk about shot down sharpish !! Lol xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dying to say a few because I’ve heard some absolute belters and said some shockers myself, but don’t fancy being reported to the fun police or genuinely offending folk... teaser of the level though ...

When disscussing a difficult person I was asked for a solution, apparently a “euthanasia booth” was not a credible response. A small exchange of words plus a request for a one to one chat mustered this cheeky put down “I’d rather follow a Jew into a shower block” than walk into your office for management advice..

No offence meant to anyone x plus I’m a nice guy x

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

caledonian

I’m a well balanced individual, I’ve got a chip on both shoulders

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By *arksxMan
over a year ago

Leicester / London

I said to someone with a crap reputation themselves who was trying to smear my character

"if you stop lying about me"

"ill stop telling everyone the truth about you"

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By *iercedlotsCouple
over a year ago

Stoke-on-Trent

Hubby was taking the piss out of a fat guy. He said " do you know why Im so fat ? Cus every time I fuck your missus , she gives me a chocolate biscuit"..... Priceless

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

"Who's put 10p in the dickhead?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if I want to look at something old and falling apart i'll holiday in venice

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By *heLaserGuyMan
over a year ago

Coventry

You've got a mouth like a cows cunt, and a cunt like a cows mouth

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Off you fuck!

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow


"Off you fuck!"

On of my go to retorts.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

They named a town after you - Leatherhead.

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By *aughty in TamworthMan
over a year ago

Tamworth

You are a cunt, you always were a cunt and you always will be a cunt. In fact if you entered a 'Cunt Competition', you'd come second... because you're a cunt!

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By *hippy57Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Ignorant guy I worked for,said to my mate,!see your working hard,can never do to much for a good guvner ,his reply ! Yeah and can never satisfy a pig !

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By *artinbobMan
over a year ago

Leicester


"Upon being called fatty..... said fat bloke replied “I’m fat cos every time I fuck your mom she gives me a biscuit”"

What a class reply lol

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By *artinbobMan
over a year ago

Leicester

In response to someone acting like an annoying twat.

“Who put 50p in the dickhead?”

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south


"Upon being called fatty..... said fat bloke replied “I’m fat cos every time I fuck your mom she gives me a biscuit”

What a class reply lol "
Not even the tide would take you out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I had youth and a bit more confidence on my side I was in traffic and a fit woman walked past and I held up my map book called her over and said "Hi can you tell me the best way into your knickers please"

She laughed and told me she loved it and never took offence, we both laughed as she walked off.

I thought I was a real charmer being cocky.

Then a few weeks later I tried it again......

I said it and immediately she responded "No thanks, I've already got one arsehole in my knickers thank you"

Boom.

Haha I actually told her that was the best and fastest come back ever.

I brought a Sat Nav after that

Haha

Be safe all......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your dad should have pulled out... Ouch..

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By *waggerladMan
over a year ago

Liverpool o

You have the look of someone that has at some time in thier life has had to pull a dangerous dog of there mother .........

so you could have a go at Fucking her

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow


"They named a town after you - Leatherhead. "

God bless Chubby Brown

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One guy said to me would I like 9" so I told him no thanks. I dont downsize. He didnt know what to say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also my friends 8 year old daughter was being a right little brat so I said its times like these when you realise you should have swallowed .

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By *annyFickerMan
over a year ago

Not too far away


"Oh look, it's just like a penis, only smaller!"

Ouch!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After we politely said no to a guy he came back with "didn't want to fuck her anyway.. She looks like she's been shot over more times than Sarajevo"

That made us giggle

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By *hippy57Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

I loved the one from only fools and horses,mickey pierce & Jed,

In nightclub go to chat up 2 women,one uses the chat up line,!excuse me do I know you from somewhere!

All snotty one women said!I do not think so!,

Mickey says ! Told you Jed that is not our old school mistress! Love it

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

Back in the less enlightened 80s, a guy I used to know was a station attendant for London Underground. He was manning the ticket counter one day and two women came up. One wanted a photo card and she handed over a photo. He said "I need two photos". She asked why and he was feeling cocky so he said "I always ask beautiful ladies for an extra photo so I can keep it".

The woman's friend said indignantly "What did you say?"

The first woman turned to her and said, nice and loudly so everybody in the ticket area could hear, "He said he wants to take a photo of me into the toilet later so he can have a wank over it".

He said later "I really didn't know what to say to that".

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By *ud and BryanCouple
over a year ago

Boston, Lincolnshire

We often get, "it's not Halloween yet".

Dave's favourite retort is, "Take your mask off then".

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By *waggerladMan
over a year ago

Liverpool o

After taking a barrage of insults with no reply let them and them go silent

Then ask 'Oh sorry were you waiting for my come back ?'

when they say yes .

well your going to have to scrape it of your mums teeth

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

Face like a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

Heard a kid say to his mate "Your Dad sells Avon"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your mom takes so many creampies, people call her the human sperm bank

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By *nsatiable78Man
over a year ago

Dundee

You have a body like a dropped lasagna

A face like you’ve been dooking for chips

With teeth like that you could chew an apple throw letter box/tennis racket

You’re so ugly your mother threw stones at the stork.

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By *mart55Man
over a year ago

north Devon barnstaple bideford or Exeter

Oi ugly not you your fucking ugly

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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield

I used to be a bus driver. One night had a group of people getting on outside a pub, going into the city centre. They'd already had a few drinks. One of them, a "voluptuous" woman in her 30s, was doing the usual trick of fumbling around looking for her money, hoping I'd get fed up of waiting and tell her to just sit down. When she realised I wasn't going to, she asked if she could get on for free "if I show you these", and motioned lifting up her top. I told her if she got those out, I'd have to charge her double.

Funnily enough, she quickly found the couple of quid she needed. The guy standing behind her thought it was funny. Not sure she did...

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By *mcouple2Couple
over a year ago

Warrington


"I was in a supermarket getting my essentials and two d*unks were arguing about money and one guys pal piped up and the other guy said ‘hey if I want you to squeak I’ll squeeze you’

Had me rolling in the aisle but still keeping my 2m distance.

What’s the best one liner put down you have heard or used ? "
I'm having that one

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By *mcouple2Couple
over a year ago

Warrington


"I used to be a bus driver. One night had a group of people getting on outside a pub, going into the city centre. They'd already had a few drinks. One of them, a "voluptuous" woman in her 30s, was doing the usual trick of fumbling around looking for her money, hoping I'd get fed up of waiting and tell her to just sit down. When she realised I wasn't going to, she asked if she could get on for free "if I show you these", and motioned lifting up her top. I told her if she got those out, I'd have to charge her double.

Funnily enough, she quickly found the couple of quid she needed. The guy standing behind her thought it was funny. Not sure she did..."

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By *hippy57Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

This 100% true,my ex wife,we been married 15 yrs about ,we just had a marathon session,having the cuddle and pillow chat,feeling quite smug with my performance,I said ,did you enjoy that honey,she replied !yes ,we should make the effort more often(as we had got a bit distant recently),fuck knows why I said it,!so marks out of ten how good it was!,mmm she thought about it then said 7 out of 10,I can tell you that pissed on my bonfire,I was gutted

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By *hippy57Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

That was typical her,another time I was getting packed to go on our yearly golf break for 4 days,she came in the bedroom after going into the loo,I asked if she OK,she said! I can't believe I just come on as you going away!,I said what the fuck you mean by that,!just saying her reply !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've heard this attributed to many others but QI said it was Isadore Duncan and George Bernard-Shaw.

Isadore: “Imagine a child with my beauty and your brains!”

Shaw replied: “Yes, but imagine a child with my beauty and your brains!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A personal favourite...

I wouldn't touch that with a glove on a stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One of my favourites I heard in a d*unken couples argument was "Your cock isn't big enough for that attitude, lower your voice""
. Oh I'm stealing this!

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

Not mine, but one from the Big Yin himself..

When heckled by someone in the audience at one of his shows, and the person wouldn't shut up, Billy replied with -

"Don't tell me how to do my job! Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?"

Riotous laughter and applause, whilst the heckler was shamed into silence, and left soon after.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

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By *irth Vader OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

If I wanted to listen to an arsehole I’d FART

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By *agic tongue mike.Man
over a year ago

Canterbury

A friend of mine whilst at university, gave probably the best put down I've heard. She was asked by a guy if she wanted him in her knickers. She replied, I already have one irritating cunt in them, why would I want another one. Had me rolling on the floor til my stomach ached.

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By *ensualpleasures69Man
over a year ago

leeds

My Bro in law jumped the days first bus and gave the driver a ten pound note for a £2 journey, driver said “I can’t change that!” Bro in law came back with “ and that’s why your a bus driver and not a fucking magician”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman at a function to Churchill who had come back from gents without zipping up... "Ahhh.. it's sticking out!!"

To which Curchill replied.."Madame, you flatter yourself. It's hanging out"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oxygen thief

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By *winkletoesukWoman
over a year ago

South Coast

My friend to her brother,

You're the abortion that climbed back out of the bucket...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A hypocrite is not an animal in Harry Potter!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One of my favourites I heard in a d*unken couples argument was "Your cock isn't big enough for that attitude, lower your voice""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I want an input from you..... I'll kick your kennel.

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By *jangoMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

You look like you've been set on fire, and put out with a golf shoe.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once read this in someone's annual write-up, when I served in RN....

If breathing wasn't a natural bodily function.... This man would be fucked.

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By *astledking19TV/TS
over a year ago

buckingham

You’re so dense that even light bends around you

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By *astledking19TV/TS
over a year ago

buckingham

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable......like a coma

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Frankly my dear.i dont give a damm. Rhett Butler-Gone with the wind.

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

You know what the difference between your momma and a washing machine is? When I dump a load in a machine, the machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

You're just the afterbirth, slithered out on your mother's filth. They should have put you in glass jar on a mantelpiece."

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By *innerforthreeMan
over a year ago

London/herts

I like some of classic old ones.... very offensive with out being rude....

"A modest man with much to be modest about"

Churchill about Atlee

And when accused of being d*unk once Churchill replied "My dear, you are ugly but in the morning I shall be sober but you will still be ugly...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

More Chins than a Chinese directory...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hitter, small bat

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