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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A couple of old ones to get started.

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head under the pillow.

The tooth fairy took all his teeth out.

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up my pillow was gone.

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By *elnkazCouple
over a year ago

cheshire

What do you call a boomerang that's broken?????

A stick...

Del

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call a boomerang that's broken?????

A stick...

Del"

What’s brown and sticky.

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/04/20 23:46:42]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

*extends arm, hand facing up*

Whats that????

*extends arm, hand facing down*

A dead one of them

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q. How many times does 1 go into 0?

A. 69

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?

He got cock blocked.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

Hey, I can do an impersonation of someone....

"Don't push me, don't push me"

Who am I?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hey, I can do an impersonation of someone....

"Don't push me, don't push me"

Who am I?"

Give up, who are you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's brown and sticky?

A stick "

See above

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham


"Hey, I can do an impersonation of someone....

"Don't push me, don't push me"

Who am I?

Give up, who are you? "

Humpty dumpty

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Finally got an Asda delivery slot for my shopping.

I’ve ordered Turkey, sprouts and some Christmas crackers!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Finally got an Asda delivery slot for my shopping.

I’ve ordered Turkey, sprouts and some Christmas crackers!!!! "

Haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's brown and sticky?

A stick

See above "

Damn missed it lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A boy was playing outside when a football came over the fence.

“Throw the ball back you little shit”

The boy ran into the kitchen “ mum what’s shit?” Mum replied “ oh err it’s food”

Boy goes out again. Ball comes over the fence.

“Throw the ball back you little bastard”

He runs into the kitchen.

“Mum what’s a bastard?” Mum thinks for a moment. “Oh er it’s children”

He goes out again. Ball bounces into the garden once more. “Throw the ball back you little fucker”

“Mum, mum what’s fuck?” “Ahh” mum says “it’s getting dressed”

The next day his friends come round for his birthday. He opens the door.

“ come in you bastards, the shits on the table my mum is upstairs getting fucked”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A boy was playing outside when a football came over the fence.

“Throw the ball back you little shit”

The boy ran into the kitchen “ mum what’s shit?” Mum replied “ oh err it’s food”

Boy goes out again. Ball comes over the fence.

“Throw the ball back you little bastard”

He runs into the kitchen.

“Mum what’s a bastard?” Mum thinks for a moment. “Oh er it’s children”

He goes out again. Ball bounces into the garden once more. “Throw the ball back you little fucker”

“Mum, mum what’s fuck?” “Ahh” mum says “it’s getting dressed”

The next day his friends come round for his birthday. He opens the door.

“ come in you bastards, the shits on the table my mum is upstairs getting fucked”. "

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By *azinga-1Man
over a year ago

Scotland


"Hey, I can do an impersonation of someone....

"Don't push me, don't push me"

Who am I?

Give up, who are you? "

A stick

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was halfway up a mountain when a man ran up to me and said “ I don’t like your altitude”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the elephant ask the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?

She gagged.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down

and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because

you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,

so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought

at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,

she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

" Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the idiot who lost ten pounds on the Grand National and twenty pounds on the action replay?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down

and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because

you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,

so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought

at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,

she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

" Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use"?"
this one made me spit iut my drink hilarious good joke

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

Some of these brought a smile to my night, thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did anyone hear about the nice Dr I met ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did anyone hear about the nice Dr I met ? "

No?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did anyone hear about the nice Dr I met ?

No? "

He was an Ultra Sound guy hehe

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By *irty Boy-123Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Paid a tenner for some velcro.

Think I might of got ripped off!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Jack and bob go to the pub. Jacks got no arms or legs.

Jack says to bob “ I want to enter the darts competition”

Bob says “ how the fuck are you going to enter a darts competition you’ve got no arms or legs?”

Jack says “ Put the darts in my mouth and throw the fucking dartboard at me “

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.


"What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain."

Love it!

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

What do you call a Magician who has lost his Magic?

Ian.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a Magician who has lost his Magic?

Ian."

Oh thank you thank you hahaha

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

Gary Barlow has blocked me!

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths

Blacksmith: “Are you any good at shoeing horses?"

I said: “No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

A cow and a sheep meet on a one way bridge.

The cow says Moooooove over, the sheep replies Baaaaaalocks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss "

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-saw-arse

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

What do you call a deaf dinosaur?

Anything you want he can’t hear you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don’t witches wear knickers?

To help them grip the broom.

What ET short for?

Extra-terrestrial... no he’s got little legs.

What’s the difference between Madeline Macann and a submarine?

Nothing, they are both full of seamen and at the bottom of the ocean.

What the difference between Michael Jackson and a PlayStation?

Nothing, they are both made of plastic and both get turned on by little boys.

Two muffins in a oven, One says to the other..... shit it’s hot in hear.

The other muffin screams..... OMG it’s a fucking talking muffin.

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By *ltrMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Woman and a boy are in a taxi and drive by a red light area , the boy asks what are the the ladies stood on street corners doing with next to no clothes on the mother says they are ladies of the night looking for love because they are lonely . the taxi driver pipes up tell him the truth they are dirty fucking hookers who just do sex for money. The little kid says mummy do hookers have chilchildren.the mother answers yes where do you think taxi drivers come from

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