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Dad jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ok, random thread but I'm feeling giddy lol Throw out your corniest jokes!

Do you like turnips???........ Cos I'm gonna turnip at your door and fuck ya

I'll get my coat

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

"Is your dad Liam Neeson?

Because I'm Taken with you"

...I get asked that all the time here

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Do you like dragons?... Yes?

Cos I'm gonna be dragon my balls across your face lol

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By *rutus83Man
over a year ago

naas


"Do you like dragons?... Yes?

Cos I'm gonna be dragon my balls across your face lol"

Lol that one got me blocked

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Do you like tapes and cds? Yes?

Cos I'm gonna tape my dick to your forehead so you can cds balls

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By *rishdudeMan
over a year ago

T

I’m reading a horror book in Braille

Something terrible is about to happen....I can feel it.

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

[Removed by poster at 06/01/20 00:19:13]

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear... the other’s a great year!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At first I refused to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a lollipop man.. but all the signs were there!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Bear walks into a bar, says to the barman can I have 2 pints, 2 whiskeys.................................................. And a packet of crisps

Barman says why the big paws

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

I told my son I was named after Gandhi

He said, “But dad, your name is Tim.”

I said, “I know son, but I was named AFTER Gandhi"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror??..... Haloumi

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Paddy and Seamus working on a site, foreman says get this room wired as quick as you can I'll call back shortly.

Foreman comes back and Paddy's swinging from the rafters saying "I'm a light bulb I'm a light bulb"..... Foreman says pack up your tools Paddy and go see a doctor....... Seamus starts packing his tools up too and the foreman says where are you going?...... Seamus says sure how can I work in the dark?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Any other takers?

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By *allyWally19Woman
over a year ago

The Road to Nowhere

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night....I should have put it on aloha setting

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south


"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night....I should have put it on aloha setting"
did you hear about the gay Australian who couldn't get out of Sydney

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Confuscious say man who walk into airport door sideways ,is going to bankok.

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

When you're out with your Dad and an ambulance goes past...

"He'll never sell any feckin ice-creams going that fast!"

...ahhh, there's nothing like an Irish Dad

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south


"

When you're out with your Dad and an ambulance goes past...

"He'll never sell any feckin ice-creams going that fast!"

...ahhh, there's nothing like an Irish Dad "
Confucius says he who farted in church sitting in own pew

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This teen comes home from school and starts doing his homework ,he asks his dad .." how do you give a woman an orgasm ?" . The dad Loses the plot and gives his son a clip on the ear and how dare he ask such questions and sent him straight up to his room .a while later ,the wife comes home and asks where the son is .." l sent him up to his room to finish his homework cause he started asking all these sex questions saying twas his homework ". The wife replies.." you shouldn't have done that ,sex education is part of their school curriculum these days ,they have to learn all about sexual responsibility ,go up and tell him to come down for his dinner "...so the dad goes up to the son's room and opens the door only to find the son stretched out on the bed tearing the cock off himself , startled ,the son just looks at his dad ,then his dad says .." when you're finished your homework come down for your dinner "...

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

A kinky but dizzy diva is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier

The first joke comes and Dizzy diva is stoic

Second...

Third....

Not even a smile ...

The cute Diva gets to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke bursts out laughing

“Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!”

Dizzy D wiped away tears of laughter and replies...

“Hey, I just got the first one!”

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was pulling my boxers off at the end of the bed and the wife says you really spoil those dogs!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I've been told my cocks feels like 9 inches but smells like a foot

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

Can I tell a dad joke if I am not a dad or is that racist?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was pulling my boxers off at the end of the bed and the wife says you really spoil those dogs! "

Hahaha oh my god

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blind man walks into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog around his head.

"Can I help you? " said the shopkeeper.

The blind man says "it's ok I'm just having a look around "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards...

He was just going through a stage.....

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

Two elephants fell off of a cliff...

Boom boom....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Two elephants fell off of a cliff...

Boom boom....

"

What's white and slides across the dancefloor.....

Cum Dancing

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By *awkeye_30Man
over a year ago

Limerick

Did you hear about the mad egg?

He got caught running down the street with his yolk hanging out...

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea


"Two elephants fell off of a cliff...

Boom boom....

What's white and slides across the dancefloor.....

Cum Dancing "

I'm going to use that one

My local paper had a competition for the best pun. I sent in ten entries hoping one of them would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did....

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By *illium_cobblersMan
over a year ago

swords EI & Derby UK

talking the wife at breakfast i said "our milkmans a randy git, says he has fucked every woman on his round bar one"......after a little thought she said, "that will be that ugly fecker at number 12"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried to give up sexual innuendos but it was hard so hard

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

I was orphaned ans raised by my uncle. He was schizophrenic but he was good people

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By *rutus321Man
over a year ago

Offaly

My wife left me because I'm insecure,oh wait she's back we were out of milk

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By *urvySingleLadyWoman
over a year ago

Limerick/Galway

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow." She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me." She exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

??????

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south


"A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow." She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me." She exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

??????"
John Wayne was walking with his dog by the cliff and the fell off he said dog gone

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south


"A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow." She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me." She exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

??????John Wayne was walking with his dog by the cliff and the fell off he said dog gone "
My grandfather would still be swinging today as he alway made love to the sound of the Church bells , If that fucking fire engine had not gone by lol

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Always remember the three unwritten rules of life...

1)

2)

3)

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

My wife told me to cheer up, it could be worse. She said I could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water.

I know she means well.

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

I found a new swingers club called Mars. It's a good venue but no atmosphere...

A woman there came up to me & wanted to have sex with me but I had to disappoint her, we had sex.

They held a special night with free entry for dwarves. I went in for a look but didn't stay long, it was a very small crowd.

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By *um64Man
over a year ago

Cork, Dublin

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

Testicles, gonads, balls, nuts...

Ok ok, I'll stop talking bollocks...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate David had his ID stolen...

I just call him Dav now

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Did you know pigeons die after sex???...... Well the ones I fucked did anyway

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did you know pigeons die after sex???...... Well the ones I fucked did anyway "

Aww poor pigeons

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife told me to cheer up, it could be worse. She said I could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water.

I know she means well. "

Mickey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow." She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me." She exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

??????"

Love it!

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By *sbotangoMan
over a year ago

Close by

2 interesting facts about me

1) my penis is the same length as two argos penis.

2) ive been banned from argos

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Guy calls in sick to work, boss asks how sick are you...... Guy says well I'm in bed with my mum

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By *r_mrs_studmuffinCouple
over a year ago

narnia

An 18 year old Mayo girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. That I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a €2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a €4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and €2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You ride her again.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anyone looking to buy a theremin?

Great condition, but I haven't touched it in years.

I'll also throw in a 75" tv. Screen is perfect but faulty volume switch. You can't turn that down!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What do you call 100 lepors in a swimming pool??...... Porridge

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By *abKenMan
over a year ago

Dundalk

1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard...

He went downhill very quickly after that

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath...?

Throw your washing in....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

I took my Rottweiler to the vet because he was cross eyed. The vet said "can I pick him up to have a look at him?" So he did & then he told me he was going to have to put him down. I said "What! Just because he's cross eyed," He said "no, because he's very heavy"

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By *eebl6666Man
over a year ago

castlebar

What do you call a cow with 2 legs

Lean beef

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

My uncle Eric was a shit ventriculist, he used to put his fingers up my arse and told me to say nothing...

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Max was in deep trouble with his wife, he'd forgotton their 20th wedding anniversary... That evening his wife told him in no uncertain terms how upset and disappointed she was that he'd forgotton this important milestone.

In fact if he didn't make it up to her by getting something that goes 0 to 200 in 6 seconds on the drive she'd consider divorce proceedings..

Well the following morning max got up earlier than usual for work and when his wife eventually got up she came downstairs and noticed a gift wrapped parcel on her driveway... Intrigued as to what it could be she grabbed her nightgown and ran out to pick it up and to bring it in and find out what ot was.

Opening it she found it contained bathroom scales..

Max is still missing....!!

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By *ustin-SiderMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I clipped the side of someone's car today at a crossroads.

A really short midget got out of the mini and started inspecting the scratches on the side of his vehicle.

He looked at me. "I'm not happy!" He said.

"Oh?" I says. "Which one are you then?"

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By *lippery-when-wet-180Woman
over a year ago

South Dub

I knock on the fridge door before I open it in case theres a salad dressing

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By *rutus321Man
over a year ago

Offaly

I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright noooooooow

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