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The Breakup...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Perhaps a slightly morbid topic for such a sunny Sunday morning but here goes and all advice welcome.

I left my partner about 10 months ago after our relationship completely broke down. She did 3 prett unforgivable things and I just had to move out for my own health.

Yet, I still find myself thinking about her every day and I have so many conflicting thoughts. I suppose it doesn’t help that she is also the mother of my 2 kids so I can’t exactly cut ties with her. Has anyone else experienced this before and what helped?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven’t been in that situation would imagine no matter what has happened it must be very difficult not to think about a person with whom you have such a shared history x

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

A relationship breaking down is like a bereavement.. very few people got over it quickly,and it's worse if you have feelings for the person still on top of that children involved so you have to have contact. I would concentrate on your children... the feeling will pass and you will move on.. It's better to be friends for your children sake than being together and having resentment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP are you still thinking that you may be sble to get back together? Sometimes, it's easy to remember the good things and let those overshadow the bad. Unfortunately you need to remember the bad too. That is just to enable you to move on. As for the kids. I think both of you have a responsibility to reconcile in order to provide an ongoing relationship that will enable your kids to flourish as they should. Sort you and her in your head first. Then once you've done that. You can hopefully have a better appreciation for each other and one that will enable both to provide to the kids what tbey deserve from you both. You have responsibility to your children to make that happen.

I know it may not be that easy but being open and honest with each other will enable you both to hopefully work toward that. Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

There are times I think about it alright but my family and friends would never forgive me for going back to her knowing what she has done. I suppose my point is that I’ll never be able to just ‘move on’ completely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 unforgivable things and you needed to moce out for your own health

Reread that everytime you think about going back.

That sounds toxic is that the home you want to raise 2 kids in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone said to me before I left my husband, the first year is the worst. Being on your own after being in a couple for years takes a lot of adjusting, particularly if you have children who you perhaps now see less than you used to, and who also suffer as a result of your actions. It can seem as if it would all be easier if you turned back the clock and went back to playing happy families. But your own mental health and happiness must be prioritised in order to be the best parent that you can, and is this best served by living with someone whose actions have shown repeatedly that they do not respect you. Everyone may deserve a second chance but to return to a situation of a pattern of poor behaviour is self-destructive and cannot be in the long term interests of your children either. Consider counselling if you are struggling, an empathetic outsider provides you with a safe place to express your emotions and can help turn your focus to future plans instead of past regrets. Best of luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Another thing to be wary of is discussing your ex with family and friends, while they no doubt have your best interests at heart, this may further alienate you from your ex and foster bad feelings, you will be co-parenting with this person for a long time. It's not always easy but discretion goes a long way and also helps you not to become bitter by going over and over past hurts.

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By *onygirl19Woman
over a year ago

co dublin

It took me 9 years to get over my daughters father . It’s not that I wanted to hang on , I would have loved to meet someone else , but I literally loved him so much I just couldn’t . I literally cried every night for the first couple of years . I know that sounds pathetic , but all I wanted was him , but he had got someone else pregnant behind my back and ended up staying with her after a very dramatic year of twoing and frowing and so much heartbreak . I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone the way I loved him . As I said , I wanted to move on , but just couldn’t , and I did try everything , lots of good counselling , tried dating etc etc . Hopefully one day I’ll meet someone where I’ll feel that depth of love again

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town


"Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!"
sometimes the truth can stare at us in the face we just need someone to point it out. Your family and friends have your best interest at heart as well as the well-being of your children I wish you well op.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!"

I had to get my ex's older sister to intervene once in a situation involving the kids, simple truth is that he wouldn't have listened to me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!

I had to get my ex's older sister to intervene once in a situation involving the kids, simple truth is that he wouldn't have listened to me. "

That’s the exact same issue here. If I try and suggest something she just threatens to take the kids away from me. Absolute madness that I still think about her but that’s life I guess

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!

I had to get my ex's older sister to intervene once in a situation involving the kids, simple truth is that he wouldn't have listened to me.

That’s the exact same issue here. If I try and suggest something she just threatens to take the kids away from me. Absolute madness that I still think about her but that’s life I guess "

Have you considered mediation?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

She is completely against it. Same with counselling during our relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She is completely against it. Same with counselling during our relationship. "

A shame but not surprising in the circumstances you describe. Hang in there, hope the situation improves for you soon. As regards moving on emotionally, you will get there eventually, it's not a quick process.

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

The way I see it is this way. You fall in love with who you think the person is, then usually learn who they really are during the relationship.

Most people find that who they thought the person was, and who they are are different people. So a woman will try change the guy to make him that guy they first met, for example.

Along the way to make the relationship work we lie to ourselves.

The breakup comes and in reality you are breaking up with someone you never loved, you never knew and who is really a totally different person.

In a breakup instead of accepting we never loved them to begin with, we run all the "what ifs" and basically just keep lying to ourselves.

In other words, the sooner you accept she is not a person you know, the sooner you can just see her as a stranger who is raising your children and stop seeing her in a relationship light.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I found myself in a similar situation. Violence, property damage, using s child as a chess piece. It’s not nice. I lived with that for a few years. It was someone I met through social media (she also introduced me to fab) who showed me it was okay to want to be happy. Things are different now. I was lucky that apart tempers lessened. My biggest regret was the damage I caused to the my friends life. I entered into that friendship with a ton of baggage. Damage was done that can’t be undone even though I wish it could with all my heart. OP it’s hard, it gets easier. All you can do is be there when needed and protect from afar.

Best of luck.

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By *onygirl19Woman
over a year ago

co dublin

You need to get legal advice as well as everything else, if you weren’t married you need to get guardianship over your kids so that you have equal say in everything . Long gone are the days when the mother had to god given right to the kids . We’re supposed to be equal these days

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By *onygirl19Woman
over a year ago

co dublin


"The way I see it is this way. You fall in love with who you think the person is, then usually learn who they really are during the relationship.

Most people find that who they thought the person was, and who they are are different people. So a woman will try change the guy to make him that guy they first met, for example.

This sounds s bit harsh , but do you know what , this is exactly right , 100% accurate. We all have a public face , a private face , and then there’s the real you , that no one’s sees or really knows , sometimes we don’t even know ourselves .

Along the way to make the relationship work we lie to ourselves.

The breakup comes and in reality you are breaking up with someone you never loved, you never knew and who is really a totally different person.

In a breakup instead of accepting we never loved them to begin with, we run all the "what ifs" and basically just keep lying to ourselves.

In other words, the sooner you accept she is not a person you know, the sooner you can just see her as a stranger who is raising your children and stop seeing her in a relationship light."

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By *osmicGateMan
over a year ago

louth


"Perhaps a slightly morbid topic for such a sunny Sunday morning but here goes and all advice welcome.

I left my partner about 10 months ago after our relationship completely broke down. She did 3 prett unforgivable things and I just had to move out for my own health.

Yet, I still find myself thinking about her every day and I have so many conflicting thoughts. I suppose it doesn’t help that she is also the mother of my 2 kids so I can’t exactly cut ties with her. Has anyone else experienced this before and what helped? "

No quick fix but the old cliche time is a healer is very true..in another 5 months it wont be so bad and so on so on..dont beat yourself up lad she did awful things so its her fault..hold your head up high and think positive even if you feel like dying inside ..it will get better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You need to get legal advice as well as everything else, if you weren’t married you need to get guardianship over your kids so that you have equal say in everything . Long gone are the days when the mother had to god given right to the kids . We’re supposed to be equal these days "

Very good advice, the site treoir.ie gives guidance on the options for unmarried fathers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for all the advice guys

I guess we are fortunate enough that both kids are under 3 so they will know no different when they are growing up but I would like to state that I am dealing with someone who has very strong personality traits and can be very difficult to deal with. There was a time last year where I nearly had to take the kids from her but thankfully it never came to that but since then I’ve had to keep a closer eye on things via her own family. V v difficult and there were some things that I could not keep to myself and my family had to be told. Anyway, I even feel a bit better after getting that off my chest!"
Ur main focus is ur kids and their best well being .Theres only so much you can take from a relationship before it's best to leave. I'm gone 10 years and took my 3 kids all under 7 at the time.. Ur friends and family are right in u staying away.. U need to look after urself too.. U might never fully move on but I'd never know whose gonna walk into ur life.. Best of luck..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You need to get legal advice as well as everything else, if you weren’t married you need to get guardianship over your kids so that you have equal say in everything . Long gone are the days when the mother had to god given right to the kids . We’re supposed to be equal these days "

I have automatic guardianship rights as we were living together for more than 12 months after Jan 2016 (new legislation came into law then). Still nowhere equal though. I find it tough because she had been going out with some highly undesirable guys since I left - I made it clear that I didn’t want these people around the kids which she agreed but her family have told me otherwise. So there’s a massive distrust issue now. I guess I find it hard to meet new people now knowing that something big could happen that could effect the kids, but I’m getting there!

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By *onygirl19Woman
over a year ago

co dublin

Sorry I wrote a whole big reply to a post above, and it didn’t show . But the gist of it was , yes you never really know what someone is like , we all have a public face , a private face and then our true selves that no one ever sees , we may not even know ourselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yes paul been there the only cure is time use will be civil again cos u have to for kids sake

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I left my marraige of 12 years over 2 years ago over lies abuse threats. I have 2 sons. I use to think about going back but when I had a look forward I knew I had made the right decision.

I spent months planning to leave.

If you left for the right reasons and prepared urself for the move, then in my advice stay gone.

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