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Sad marriage, but possibly only in my mind!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???

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By *r MercMan
over a year ago

dublin

Well it’s up to the both of you to make time for each other wine her dine her dance her and romance her it’s worth it

And remember Marriage is grand

Divorce is 250 grand

So rekindle the love and find the spark that brought you together in the first place

Wish I could with my ex wife but C’est la vie

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Like the quote! There would be financial consequences plus I’m big into the house and garden but I’m unhappy. Thanks for reply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you actually discussed your feelings with your wife?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Yes, it arrived like a wave every few months. I love her but I just don’t like the relationship anymore. She is a great person and I’d say if we separated it would really tear her up. I think I need to just bite this bullet and be happy with my lot.

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of

Talk to her. Tell her who you feel, what you miss, maybe make some suggestions how to change it around, see how she reacts and take it from there. Your kids are old enough, they don't need 24 hour care anymore, claim back some me time...

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of

*how you feel...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Start planning nights out and weekends away. The 17yr old could babysit the 10yr old for some money every few weeks. Everyone is happy. All you need to do is find the spark again. Some married people go into autopilot years in and forget they need time together aswell.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes, it arrived like a wave every few months. I love her but I just don’t like the relationship anymore. She is a great person and I’d say if we separated it would really tear her up. I think I need to just bite this bullet and be happy with my lot. "

Why should your happiness be less important than hers? Why not try counselling? Or if she is resistant to the idea, go by yourself, it might help you sort out exactly what it is that you want. Because its not clear from your initial post -, you say you are unhappy in your marriage, how is staying and cheating going to help in that case?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Cheers Casey. I suppose this post is me trying to have conversation with myself. Appreciate previous regarding putting more effort in and I agree. It was only last week I was watching music videos and she came in. I said I’d love to dance naked some time to those with her. She said maybe but not at home!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Cheers Casey. I suppose this post is me trying to have conversation with myself. Appreciate previous regarding putting more effort in and I agree. It was only last week I was watching music videos and she came in. I said I’d love to dance naked some time to those with her. She said maybe but not at home! "

She possibly feels inhibited by your children, a short break away from the kids might be a good start towards some intimate time and some honest communication.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doing something new and fun together can help you see each other with fresh eyes

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By *eductively_SweetWoman
over a year ago

wexford


"Yes, it arrived like a wave every few months. I love her but I just don’t like the relationship anymore. She is a great person and I’d say if we separated it would really tear her up. I think I need to just bite this bullet and be happy with my lot. "

Don't you take your wife on dates anymore if not maybe you should. Date the woman she is without all the labels of mother wife home maker etc.. go back to the start date her make her feel attractive and lusted after like you once did then you'll find the woman that got lost under all those labels

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

Most of us are far from angels Op so no one is here to give out...

However...

There is a big difference between wanting to be on your own and wanting to be with another woman If it's excitement you're after, maybe take up kick-boxing or sky diving. If you want space then a few early morning hike might help clear the head

Stay strong big fella

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi OP. I'm going through a marriage separation for the last year after being married for 11 years. It's something I'd never ever wish on my worst enemy. I never seen it ending but my Ex fell in love with someone else from work and there was no going back from there. The irony is that they are both on this as well and they'll have their occasional hook ups. Anyway only you can decide what's the best move to make. No matter what happens someone's heart will be broken..there's no doubt about that. Maybe you could mention swinging to her to see if she'd be interested..spice up the marriage a bit. Anyway best of luck and I hope you both come out on the good side of this.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

It’s all kids stuff. We simply do not have fun times. Most of you are probably have erotic, intertesting experiences. It’s like that has stopped for me! Two weeks ago I went for my first Thai massage, I’m been honest. It was lunchtime in Galway, it was super, and yes, unexpected, she offered the happy ending, which wasn’t the end as the massage continued after. I loved it, the erotic feelings were super. Is that my future! Sounds sad and I know I paid for it and that is wrong but Christ it was a lovely experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am not in a relationship but know lots of couples who split after the kids left to the real world still they are friends just different discuss it with her she might feel the same or their could be a argument just depends but you really should talk to each other

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s all kids stuff. We simply do not have fun times. Most of you are probably have erotic, intertesting experiences. It’s like that has stopped for me! Two weeks ago I went for my first Thai massage, I’m been honest. It was lunchtime in Galway, it was super, and yes, unexpected, she offered the happy ending, which wasn’t the end as the massage continued after. I loved it, the erotic feelings were super. Is that my future! Sounds sad and I know I paid for it and that is wrong but Christ it was a lovely experience."

So why not create fun times and erotic experiences with your wife? Long term relationships take effort, especially when kids are taking up your time and energy. It's important to put each other first - assuming you decide that there is a future for you both.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I play devils advocate here and ask if your bi-curiosity has a bigger part to play then you seem to acknowledge? That's not in judgement,dont get me wrong but it seems you have the urge to explore but you haven't spoken much about it to you wife aside from telling her you wanna dance in the nude. From an outside perspective you're almost looking for reasons to cheat as opposed to reasons not to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s all kids stuff. We simply do not have fun times. Most of you are probably have erotic, intertesting experiences. It’s like that has stopped for me! Two weeks ago I went for my first Thai massage, I’m been honest. It was lunchtime in Galway, it was super, and yes, unexpected, she offered the happy ending, which wasn’t the end as the massage continued after. I loved it, the erotic feelings were super. Is that my future! Sounds sad and I know I paid for it and that is wrong but Christ it was a lovely experience."
definitely having no erotic or interesting experiences at all I'm afraid..it's not easy being a single man on this and trying to get even 1 reply from someone.. That Thai massage sounds very interesting, I'll have to check it out. If it felt right then why can't you have some happiness.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Atlantic, great post! The bi thing! When I walk down a street it is without doubt the women that catch my eye. Love their shape, hips especially. The bi thing, I just want to hold and play with another cock plus it seems to be a more accessible form of an erotic experience. I could be gullible!!

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere

I'm separated awhile now and my only regret was it didnt happen earlier. For one reason.... we would have been younger . I was always the sexual one so I know all about the frustration . You do appear to be looking for reasons to cheat as pointed out. Yes there would be upset for you wife and kids... but I can tell you if they ever found out you were on a site like fab it would be more damaging.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Big blonde, this site is my escape at moment.

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere


"Big blonde, this site is my escape at moment. "

Yes I get that and I understand it, but it's far from a solution. What I'm saying is .... what you're eeling is guilt hence the thread.. guilt will grind you down. Btw....it's just my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Big blonde, this site is my escape at moment. "

You can only hide from your issues for so long.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks everyone for chat. I did to find a pair of balls or use them!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I read this online ten minutes ago, have a read...

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere

Sounds oh to familiar.

Some people think the grass is greener on the other side ,when in fact they should look after and nourish their own grass.... but sometimes it's better to walk away because some people will always wonder what if.

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

Grab her go for breky or just lunch or a coffee . Forget about sex for the time being . Just start to get to know each other bit bye bit and slowely get more close together kissing and cuddling and then have sex eventually . Tel her how much you luv her .

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin


"I read this online ten minutes ago, have a read...

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.""

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

OMG there's your answer mate .

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of


"OMG there's your answer mate . "

No it's not, every situation is different and every person is different. The whole essay sounds like blabla hurt ego shit and hindsight romanticism.

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By *onygirl19Woman
over a year ago

co dublin


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???"

She may be feeling exactly the same. Sounds like the two of you need a proper talk .

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By *ohndunboyneMan
over a year ago

Dunboyne & Dublin


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???

She may be feeling exactly the same. Sounds like the two of you need a proper talk . "

Sounds about right.

I think if you write everything down that you are feeling OP, that would help.

If you just launch into a discussion with her, you'll react to some of her responses, which means that you will forget to say some of the things you are feeling.

Write it down. When the kids are in bed/away some night and you're both having downtime, tell her you have something you would like her to read.

Walk away for an hour then. Give her time to absorb what you have said and a chance to think about what you've said and how to respond. Offer her the chance to wait a few days for her to write how she feels, or be prepared to discuss there and then when you return.

Just my tuppence worth and I do hope that you resolve it.

PS no harm in the happy ending

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By *lowersMan
over a year ago

Derry


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???

She may be feeling exactly the same. Sounds like the two of you need a proper talk .

Sounds about right.

I think if you write everything down that you are feeling OP, that would help.

If you just launch into a discussion with her, you'll react to some of her responses, which means that you will forget to say some of the things you are feeling.

Write it down. When the kids are in bed/away some night and you're both having downtime, tell her you have something you would like her to read.

Walk away for an hour then. Give her time to absorb what you have said and a chance to think about what you've said and how to respond. Offer her the chance to wait a few days for her to write how she feels, or be prepared to discuss there and then when you return.

Just my tuppence worth and I do hope that you resolve it.

PS no harm in the happy ending "

It really does the heart good to see how many people are pitching in to help and advise someone they likely do not know and never will. Well played everyone and OP I hope you find what you’re looking for!

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By *j47Man
over a year ago

limerick


"Cheers Casey. I suppose this post is me trying to have conversation with myself. Appreciate previous regarding putting more effort in and I agree. It was only last week I was watching music videos and she came in. I said I’d love to dance naked some time to those with her. She said maybe but not at home! "

Take something positive from ur posts and try it out

She said maybe but not at home

Book a cottage for couples down there in west cork and play music videos all weekend

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???"
break up first sign of relationship gone sour is wen sex stops it will be hard but i think in long run you and her might be happier with other partners im sure you can still spend time with kids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've got a lot of conflicting issues there OP that you need to get a handle on before you even think of straying into casual hook ups, affairs or seperation.

One strong aspect that comes through here is your conflict between guilt and persuit of sexual excitement, and as previously stated here guilt is a very corrosive emotion for a genuine person.

I think you should find a good counselor to talk through these worries with. Given yourself time, get to the root of these feelings in therapy and when you've got a handle on them, I think then and only then should you talk to your wife about them.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but you have to be open to the possibilities that either or both of you have some destructive personality traits that are causing unhappiness and unfulfillment. We all have some negative traits, we're human, but recognising them and growing towards a more self aware person who tries to a more fair to yourself and others is the only path to happiness ultimately.

Swing and sites like this are a passtime, harmless and even rewarding if you are in the right form of self awareness....but they can be a spiraling road to despair if you use them to avoid facing yourself, your relationships or the negative traits of those you love that may be causing you pain.

Good luck OP, take time to get a handle on your life and give yourself a chance to see the wood from the trees.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Many thanks for all the teplies.

Folk here have put in genuine effort to give me advice and most is to work at the relationship first. This is exactly why I posted the message. Thanks again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went through the same. We eventually parted company and remain the best of friends. We have talked and are both happier since we split. As I said still best of friends but we were both dying inside when together

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???"

Something no one else seems to have noticed in your post is that you feel the need to be on your own. Technically that might rule you out of this site, where the object is to not be on your own, at least some of the time, so I don't think you really want to meet someone.

It sounds to me like you need to do a few things for yourself, I might be wrong, but I feel like you are maybe feeling a lack of personal identity, a loss of your core self. You don't necessarily need to leave your wife, for whom you admit strong feelings, you maybe just need to do some of the stuff that you used to do, before the kids came along, before the responsibilities of being a husband and father took over.

Someone else suggested counselling, I would agree. You can't beat talking over your thoughts with a non judgemental listener. Wishing you the best of luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was you ... & i took the steps you are contemplating ... but not 1st before some personal counselling ... before you burn any bridges talk to the fireman ... & also consider couoles counselling ... a mediated meeting can be very empowering for both ... with the facilitator in the room things can be said that just talking to each other may not be said ... & who knows your wife may have similar feelings to you.

Speak/talk first ... then leave if you feel you have to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes, it arrived like a wave every few months. I love her but I just don’t like the relationship anymore. She is a great person and I’d say if we separated it would really tear her up. I think I need to just bite this bullet and be happy with my lot.

Why should your happiness be less important than hers? Why not try counselling? Or if she is resistant to the idea, go by yourself, it might help you sort out exactly what it is that you want. Because its not clear from your initial post -, you say you are unhappy in your marriage, how is staying and cheating going to help in that case?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Cheers Casey. I suppose this post is me trying to have conversation with myself. Appreciate previous regarding putting more effort in and I agree. It was only last week I was watching music videos and she came in. I said I’d love to dance naked some time to those with her. She said maybe but not at home!

She possibly feels inhibited by your children, a short break away from the kids might be a good start towards some intimate time and some honest communication."

I like this Casey Lee person. OP you would do well to take this advice I think...

Mrs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I read this online ten minutes ago, have a read...

I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.""

Oh God. I'm crying

Mrs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Too late we realise what we have lost

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Too late we realise what we have lost"

Or some of us kick ourselves for sticking with it so long before we bailed.

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By *otstuffkerry1Couple
over a year ago

tralee


"Cheers Casey. I suppose this post is me trying to have conversation with myself. Appreciate previous regarding putting more effort in and I agree. It was only last week I was watching music videos and she came in. I said I’d love to dance naked some time to those with her. She said maybe but not at home!

Take something positive from ur posts and try it out

She said maybe but not at home

Book a cottage for couples down there in west cork and play music videos all weekend "

And you could lend him your van?

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By *igBlondeDommeWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere


"You've got a lot of conflicting issues there OP that you need to get a handle on before you even think of straying into casual hook ups, affairs or seperation.

One strong aspect that comes through here is your conflict between guilt and persuit of sexual excitement, and as previously stated here guilt is a very corrosive emotion for a genuine person.

I think you should find a good counselor to talk through these worries with. Given yourself time, get to the root of these feelings in therapy and when you've got a handle on them, I think then and only then should you talk to your wife about them.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but you have to be open to the possibilities that either or both of you have some destructive personality traits that are causing unhappiness and unfulfillment. We all have some negative traits, we're human, but recognising them and growing towards a more self aware person who tries to a more fair to yourself and others is the only path to happiness ultimately.

Swing and sites like this are a passtime, harmless and even rewarding if you are in the right form of self awareness....but they can be a spiraling road to despair if you use them to avoid facing yourself, your relationships or the negative traits of those you love that may be causing you pain.

Good luck OP, take time to get a handle on your life and give yourself a chance to see the wood from the trees. "

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By *avie tCouple
over a year ago

otherside of nowhere

Maybe it's not your homelife...wife kids etc that are causing you to dispair...have a chat with your g.p.and see what happens sometime we feel we need a reason...when the truth might be that we are going through a prolonged down spell...

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By *verage Joe BlackMan
over a year ago

Border Area


"First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.

Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me. Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own. Anyone else in same boat? Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it. I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful. We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that. Mid life ???"

Lets take it piece by piece.

(First off I don’t need anyone giving out that I posted this cause it’s not fun! Please only reply if you can help me.)

No. This is a forum, providing opinions. No-one can help you. You can help you. The best you can hope for here is a collection of responses that may randomly or coincidentally provide some useful advice. You've summarised your problem in a paragraph, and only from your perspective. One paragraph for 20 yrs..? So the advice you will get will be of little value.

(Married for over 20 years, kids, 10, 17. Marriage gone stale for me.)

Correct. Thats what happens. Thats marriage. It is the single hardest thing that most people will ever get involved in. And the longer it goes on the harder it gets. And when kids arrive to change the dynamic it puts intolerable strains on the marriage too. Take heart from the fact that its not just you. It will be your wife too. And tens of thousands of other people in Ireland.

(Really strong feelings for her but I feel I need to be on my own.)

What does that mean? You love her or you dont. Or real life has impaired your ability to assess your feelings any more properly.

Do you like her? Like is more important than love in a marriage. Like takes you through things that love doesn't. Like means there are fundamental things that you admire about the person and will then cause you not to resent her which makes living together and working together to run the home much easier. Does she make you laugh? Can you talk to her about anything? Does she have traits you admire? These are reasons to like, and this will help you navigate the challenges of hum drum everyday life. Love wont. Its a different thing.

(Anyone else in same boat?)

Yes, most marriages, to a lesser or greater degree. Can you think of three married couples you know that you can say are truly deliriously happy?

(Should I just shut up and stick with it or try and cheat on this site even though I know that won’t solve it.)

This is your most confused - or perhaps most telling - sentence. There are generally two or three reasons why married people are on here. (1) They use the site for its main purpose - the couple are swingers and are in the lifestyle, (2) One or other of the married couple has given up on sex / couple have polar opposites libidos (3) Bored/Unhappy/Craving excitement

Your sentence tells me you fall into category 3. You don't say your wife doesn't enjoy/want sex. You don't give enough detail in your post about what your wife might feel or want. So from the very narrow perspective of what you have told us, it looks like (3) - but the caveat is that you have not given us full context and we don't know your wifes side. No disprespect, but you could just be the type that has given up, doesn't help out at home, comes home and expects everything done and your wife is fed up with that and so does not react to you in the same way or has perhaps lost respect for you. But I can't say that for sure based on the info you have provided. But you are not conveying anyting fundamentally wrong other than "rut".

So why do you think hooking up with people on here and fucking will solve anything? If you still have feelings for your wife I'm not sure what that will accomplish except making things harder through feelings of guilt, deception, etc.

(I’m not foolish enough to think that all your sex lifes and relationships are wonderful.)

They're not. See further above.

(We never go out, rarely party and I really miss that.)

So by this sentence you're demonstrating its not about sex, so again, why even suggest that you want to come on here, find some people and fuck them? That doesn't add up.

(Mid life ???)

Yes. This stuff hits in mid life. Don't know the psychology behind it but it hits most people, to look back then look ahead and panic / wonder where you are and why its not better.

Ultimately, the advice you get on here will do no good as its generic and not specific to you, your wife and your particularly circumstances. That entire spectrum has to be taken into account when trying to map out a solution, and that can only happen eithe rthrough councelling or by confiding in close friedns who know you (or ideally both of you) who can give balanced advice. Cos right now, its just you're bit we're getting.

This is not meant to sound harsh or unhelpful. And genuinely, good luck to whatever you decide. But remember one thing: there are three parties in this, not two - You, your wife and your kids. Don't forget them or their feelings in this too. Sometimes we have to be selfish and other times we have to take selfless decisions too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Talk to her. Tell her who you feel, what you miss, maybe make some suggestions how to change it around, see how she reacts and take it from there. Your kids are old enough, they don't need 24 hour care anymore, claim back some me time..."

I was in a similar place years ago when my children were in their early teens. I was a mother, a wife, worked full time and felt there must be more to life than this though I loved them all. But I felt I was so many things to other people but I had lost my own identity. My hubby was working long hours and we had both got stuck in a rut. Its very common apparently. I did go to my doctor a few times who was extremely good and listened to me. He put it in black and white....questions like 'when did you start feeling like this?' ..'do your kids not rely on you as much or too much' Etc but the question that stuck in my mind is 'Does your hubby know how you feel as he could be feeling exactly the same!!!' That made me think.

His advise was COMMUNICATION.

So we did. My hubby doesnt find it easy to open up and talk about his feelings as he is of the old school where men were the provider and never complained. But perserverence prevailed and we talked and talked. I discovered how much he appreciated me and what I did and I felt the same about him. We talked about before the children, the fun nights out and decided to have a 'date night' every few weeks. It was a pizza or a movie, a meal and the odd time a hotel for the night. All Im saying is before you throw a relationship away, try everything but communication was the key. It was hard at times but luckily it worked for us.

Good luck xx

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

You gotta work at your marriage.

Speak to your wife, if you cant communicate with her its not looking good relationship wise.

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