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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff!

Dum dum thissshhh!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two women picking carrots..

Bridey says to Josie "This carrot looks like my fellas mickey "

Josie says "is it the length of it or the width of it"

"No" says Bridey "Tis the feckin dirt of it "

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By *ohndunboyneMan
over a year ago

Dunboyne & Dublin

News flashes:

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally r@ped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau

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By *oserMan
over a year ago

where the wild roses grow

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did one mouse say to the other mouse. Cum around the corner an I'll show you my hole

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By *oserMan
over a year ago

where the wild roses grow

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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By *j47Man
over a year ago

limerick

Something u eat today bit causes u grief for the rest of ur life

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Ur wedding cake

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An older gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm they decide to visit the doctor. The doctor listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the Doctos's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the doctor. "Okay," says the doctor, "let's try it reversed-Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn stat.......

He had a arm like a baby cock

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What sort of overalls does Super Mario prefer?

Denim denim denim

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a woman's arse

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

Whats the difference between a hurley and a skanks fanny?

You'd survive a lick of a hurley.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Two lads walking in a republican area spot a suspected loyalist..

Republican 1..."an gceapann tú go bhfuil an fear sin ins an UVF?

Republican 2..."ní ceapaim!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Me: I can't stop singing the green green grass of home

Dr: sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome

Me: is it common

Dr: its not unusual

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By *oserMan
over a year ago

where the wild roses grow


"Two lads walking in a republican area spot a suspected loyalist..

Republican 1..."an gceapann tú go bhfuil an fear sin ins an UVF?

Republican 2..."ní ceapaim!"

"

Pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone left their lunch on my bus other day...so i called my controler and said bag left on bus...he said is it ticking? and i said no I think it's ham...lol

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

A nurse is getting changed after her shift, puts her hand in her pocket & pulls out a rectal thermometer. She stares at it for a few seconds & says "shit, some asshole has my pen"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fella rings in sick one morning..boss asks what's wrong..the workman says " I've a terrible headache "

Boss replies "any time I get one of those I go home and give the missus a good hard shag.. I always feel better after"

About an hour after the workman shows up..Boss says "are you improved ??"

Workman says " yes....and you have a lovely house"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marriage is like a deck of cards..starts off with two hearts and a diamond and ends with you wishing for a club and a spade.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Marriage is like a deck of cards..starts off with two hearts and a diamond and ends with you wishing for a club and a spade. "
..except when the deuce is cumming

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Opened a birthday card yesterday and a load of rice fell out...

Typical Uncle Ben

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock.. knock.. a you's all heard that 1. .lol

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By *hors.HammerMan
over a year ago

Newbridge

Angela arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a

chair, her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothes

around her bedroom with abandon.

The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good

time.

"Oh," she sighed, "I had a fantastic time!"

"I should guess so," her mother remarked. "Your knickers are still

stuck to the ceiling."

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