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By *un4too OP Couple
over a year ago
north cork |
Not my words but if you've been or plan on going this is comedy gold! We have been a few times and have witnessed situations like this.
Here goes.
We have been going to GC regularly for 20+ years as a couple and seen the hype regarding Kiosk 4 rise steadily over the years on this forum. The reality being that when you finally get there the sunbeds are shite and worn, the sea is rough and to have a piss means to wander 500yds into the dunes risking losing your skin on the soles of your feet. Possibly layed next to you will be "Janice and Colin" from Cornwall who have saved like mad for their 2 weeks in "nirvana". Colin has spent the last 6 months reading the forums and posted daily about how they "can't wait" and asking "will Gran Canaria be ready for us", Janice is pleasantly unaware of Colin's plans that she's going to be having a trip to Kiosk 4 and that her floral bikini bought specially from H&M is not going to be needed, she's already modelled it numerous times in the mirror pulling down the top to see just how far it can go without showing her nipples. Colin will just make do with his Khaki shorts bought for a stag do in Lloret de Mar 10 years previous, he knows they won't be on long. Anyway, after arriving the previous day and spending the evening wandering around the Cita, passing the Comeback bar numerous times with Colin's eyes out on stalks they awoke to glorious sunshine. "I think we will go to the beach today love" says Colin, "ok" says Janice, so with that off they go in search of the beach. Colin knows exactly where they are going, he's spent hours on the forums planning the route. "How much further" says Janice after they've been walking half hour and still not seen sand, "just around the corner" says Colin thinking to himself that he's fucked up somewhere when looking at the map. Finally they reach the beach and turn right, Janice is now 50yds behind, sweating profusely, Colin although sweating profusely himself is focused, he's waited 6 months for this. After losing his flip flop countless times in the sand he finally reaches Kiosk 4, Janice still sweating is now 200 yes behind, her cork wedges wasn't the best idea for walking on sand. Colin surveys the view, he's a bit unsure he's at the right place, nobody is fucking, the average age is 60, the majority are overweight and he thinks most are foreigners because there isn't a Union Jack towel in sight. Not to worry though, he spots 2 spare sunbeds together, on the back row but it doesn't matter. Janice finally catches up and mutters the word "cunt" under her breath at him. They wander over to the free sunbeds, Colin makes eye contact with a few people and says "morning" to which they reply "morgen". Not to worry he thinks, the language of love is universal, his grandfather will forgive him after all the war was a long time ago. Janice puts down her Tesco bag for life which contains their towels, 5 bottles of sun cream and her kindle and his book. She looks around, and all she can see his naked bodies of varying sizes, what does stand out though is the wrinkles! Under her breath she hisses to Colin " Colin they are all naked, we are in a nudist area", Colin ruefully smiles and replies " are we love, ah well, when in Rome" and drops his Khaki shorts to the floor, un sticking his sweating balls from the side of his leg in doing so. His eyes, concealed behind his petrol station purchased sunglasses are scanning the full 360 degrees. Janice once again mutters the word "cunt" at him as she hastily sits down on her bed. This wasn't part of her plan. Colin removes his vest, reaches into the bag for life and pulls out a towel, and his fake Louis Vuitton man bag. The towel gets layed out perfectly before reaching into his man bag and pulls out his cordless White Dr Dre's and his Wilbur Smith book, on goes Bon Jovi at full volume. Colin sits with his sunbed back at 90 degrees to enable maximum viewing and puts his hands behind his head. His legs are open to allow the breeze to cool his sweating balls. Janice doesn't lay out her towel, she wraps herself in it and begins to struggle like 2 puppies fighting in a sack, she's getting undressed and attracting far more attention than she likes. Colin likes this. In one swift movement Janice spins round throws down her towel and lays down. The only other people to see her naked before have been her Mother and Colin, she once went topless in Corfu for a bet when she was 19 though. Unlike Colin she lays fully flat, her legs tightly closed. She somehow manages to reach into the bag for life and pull out the factor 50, she isn't taking chances! Colin meanwhile coats himself in Coconut oil paying particular attention to his flaccid cock. For the next hour Janice reads her Kindle, Colin pretends to read his Wilbur Smith, only realising after half hour it's upside down. Bon Jovi continues to play. The breeze is quite brisk, sand is in the air, Colin's cock has taken on the look of cylindrical sandpaper and a small "dune" has formed under Janice's ample bosum.
Colin's attention is drawn to Janice waving her arm and mouthing to him, "what" he shouts, totally forgetting the fact that Bon Jovi are deafening him, "you want a piss"? Everyone looks now knowing that Janice needs a wee. Colin removes his Dre's and tells Janice the only place to go is in the dunes. She mildly protests before putting back on her flowered bikini whilst still laying down. Colin is staying naked, although he puts on his flip flops. Part 2 of his plan is coming to fruition! Off they head into the dunes, it isn't long before Janice discovers the sand is hot, very hot intact and begins to develop a walk like a very fast Flamingo to avoid her feet being in contact with the sand. Colin this time is lagging behind has he keeps losing his flip flop. Colin notices they are being followed by 7 single guys, all aged 40 plus, naked apart from T shirts and a rucksack. Part 2 is now definitely coming to fruition, after all Janice did tell him she'd like 5 black guys, on this occasion 7 brown guys will have to suffice though. Janice finally finds sanctuary in a small bush in the dunes and squats down to finally gain comfort by emptying her somewhat full bladder. Mid piss she looks up, in front of her furiously wanking semi flaccid cocks are 7 guys. Colin stands to one side, only he isn't flaccid he's more excited than he's ever been. Colin in his excitement begins to wank too, only he's forgotten that his cock his like sandpaper and it only takes 3 or 4 jerks for a layer of skin to come off. Up jumps Janice her face like thunder, and walks back past a now not so excited Colin. As she does so she once again mutters the word "cunt". Back at the sunbeds a period of silence ensues as Janice refuses to speak to Colin. This gives Colin time to reflect about everything he's read about Kiosk 4 and the dunes of Maspalomas.......it's a myth, it's grossly exaggerated, it's a fucking long walk, it's very hot, there's no toilets and it's full of wrinkly old Germans. He decides never to believe everything he reads ever again!!!! |
this brings it all painfully home to me, im a regular, and the first time myself and the girlfriend went, after walking in the sahara for two hours, we finally saw flesh, unfortunately and unintentionally, we ended up sunbathing at the gay kiosk for two hours, before we realised there was a lot of pricks around us haha painful memories... 
