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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am so tired!
So sad, so disappointed.... so frustrated.
Honest to god I feel like crying.
Hopefully this writing will be therapeutic for me and will get some pressure off my chest.
I came in this country more than a year ago. For some reason, it felt like home and I fell in love with the city. Young professional, highly educated, open minded, flexible and above all positive! Full of energy and boldness.
And then it started. I worked hard for everything in my life and my successes are a result of blood and sweat. But the fact is...when I needed something, it appeared. My studies led me to the point of understanding that there is no luck, so I can't use the the term that I was lucky in my life...just that I was under a blessing.
And then it was time to pay my karmic debt. With huge interest!
Could not get a job whatsoever! I mean, I could find the ones that does not need any serious qualification, but I was tired of working at those jobs! I was one of the top students, awarded in my field of Project Management with rich experience and lots of achievements. And this is a booming job market.
I did everything right. I took professional advice regarding the CV, went to all job fairs, agencies, applied every single day on every single platform adjusting my CV and cover letters, mailing, phoning, knocking on doors...
Failure after failure after failure.
I have (or had) an extremely positive mindset. Always looked on bright side of thing and did not allowed myself to get depressed or desperate about the situation. But at some point, persistence grows into stupidity so I gave myself a fix date. If I don't find anything, it was just not meant to be...will pack my bags again and try somewhere else. And I finally got the job. In my field, with a decent salary and good people.
Then my relationship fell apart with the act of brutal savagery from my ex. After 10 years! As soon as I recovered from the misery not being able to find a job I was struck again. Hard.
Pick yourself from the floor and pack your bags. You are alone.
And my positive mind, my bright cheerful mindset managed did not to let me crash completely and fell into negativity. I have survived. I have faced my challenges and passed the test. I grew stronger! Found an awesome place in the city centre, with a big en-suite room with a balcony in a beautiful 3 bed apartment with two awesome roommates...10 min from my office
I was shattered, but as time passed I managed to silence my ego and get rid of my negativity that attacked me on regular basis, planting negative thoughts in my mind. I got better.
And now, for the first time in my life I can be honest regarding my sexuality, my kinks and my preferences. I am able to live it, to embrace it's full potential. I am an extremely sexual being. So full of energy, will and knowledge regarding it. Willing to give so so much! In need to finally grow with somebody embracing our sexuality, to explore even more, to develop ourselves together. The only piece of puzzle missing. A very big piece.
I have spread my nets around! Got involved in the society, munches, events, everything except Nimh (which prove to be a fatal mistake).
And yes, I have been struck again hard several times on that field as well. Which I should be used and accustomed to by now. But I was not.
The last two stories:
- I engage a chat with a beautiful girl here and we are having good crack. She states on her profile that she will never have kik communicate outside fet any way with anyone from here. I get a message from her on kik. We spend our days chatting, texting, sending pictures...and we have video calls almost on daily basis. But she is on her trip abroad and we can't meet until she returns. I get super excited and kind of fell for her in the meantime. She decided not to meet me because she is to anxious. Period. After 2-3 weeks of my time. Chatting video chatting, laughing.... Apparently it is too much for her to meet me over a cup of tea.
- The last girl, also beautiful and appears to be just the right fit. We spend our time texting, sending pictures, making jokes...having a blast. And making each other horny. Too good to be true we say from both sides. We want to meet badly but we have a different working schedule. After a week or more of our texting and trying to finally meet up, she notifies me that she had an awesome night with a guy she met at Nimh. Apparently, she managed to find time to meet with him. She could also say: thank you for making me horny for days with your texts and pictures...I put it into good use. She decided not to meet me since she didn't like the fact that I was not thrilled with it.
And then I do my mistakes. I get frustrated and sad. And in that state I reply to messages. But I am so tired of games. I am so tired of reviewing my every single message thinking will the other side take it wrong. I am so tired that it is so difficult just to find someone to sit with and have a conversation. That is all I want.
These are just some of the examples. I got stud up and dissapointed
on so many occasions lately. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I am not sure if my positive mindset has any energy left. It was struck to many times. I am not a bad guy. I am not a bad person. And yet, it seems impossible for me to show that.
I am just so tired and so disappointed. In the lack of compassion from other people, and in my mistakes caused by my growing frustration. Yes, I have become frustrated. I have become sad and I have become....I don't know what I have become.
God what I would give to be able to be alone, to raise myself above my lust, my libido and my sexuality. But I can't. I am self aware enough to know and accept my "demons".
I just feel I have no strength and positivity left inside of me. And that can probably be "seen" on me which makes me even further from my goal. Each strike brings me closer to the knockdown. And I am afraid that I will not be able to pick myself from the floor at some point.
I just don't know what to do..."
Jeez that was a struggle, getting to the end of the post I mean.. I take my hat off to you for being so honest, which I admire in a person, I have to be honest op, my mind went from thinking is this a story from a catfish programme to that poor man, even though I don't do self pity. It would appear to me that you have done very well for yourself in the short space of a year, career,new job, comfortable accomodation, and a new sense of hope. You say you are self aware, maybe take a step back and realise just how fortunate you are, as for the relationships.. im just not sure what it is your seeking, your encounters just seem quite intense for me. |
