FabSwingers.com forum: Shit jokes hilarious when you're d*unk

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Doctor Doctor there's a strawberry growing out of my ass

Let's get you cream for that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife left me the other day took the Bob Marley albums and the Satellite dish

No Woman No Sky

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Fucking LOLS

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By *lippery-when-wet-180Woman
over a year ago

South Dub

Two Kerry men go camping. They get to the site after long trek. Realise they forgot the bottle opener. Kerry man 1 says to Kerry man 2 you go back get the opener, he replies no fucking way you'll eat all the food! K1 says no I won't , go on. K2 leaves. After 9 long days of starving and dying of thirst. K1 opens the food. K2 jumps out of a bush screaming "I fucking knew it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two Kerry men go camping. They get to the site after long trek. Realise they forgot the bottle opener. Kerry man 1 says to Kerry man 2 you go back get the opener, he replies no fucking way you'll eat all the food! K1 says no I won't , go on. K2 leaves. After 9 long days of starving and dying of thirst. K1 opens the food. K2 jumps out of a bush screaming "I fucking knew it"

Get your coat, you've pulled

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By *lippery-when-wet-180Woman
over a year ago

South Dub

Get your coat, you've pulled"

What did I pull

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.

'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a travellers favourite aftershave hugo BOSS

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city

A screwdriver walks into a pub, the barman says, we've got a drink named after you.

The screwdriver says, you've got a drink called Dave.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Came downstairs this morning to find the hamster cage smashed and tangled against the wall.

The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about any grocery of drug store."

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, "I need to get some condoms."

The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, "Um, what size?"

The lady responded, "Hmm, one that would fit a Camel."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site" the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. " well that's wonderful says the bank manager it's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?" " yes says the little girl if those cunts from techcrete deliver the fucking bricks on time."

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My sexy next door neighbour knocked and asked me if I new anything about underwear going missing off her washing line?

I nearly shit her pants!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Just been told the police want to interview me, well I'm fucked if I can remember applying for a job

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife found out that I was a cross dresser, she got so angry so told me to get out of the house.....so I went up stairs packed "her" clothes and left!!!

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By *eganbabygirlWoman
over a year ago

Newry

What's a foot long and slippy?

A slipper

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By *eganbabygirlWoman
over a year ago

Newry

A farmer's wife had run away, know how he found her?

He tracter down

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By *easingTimMan
over a year ago

Loughlinstown

Why did the d*unken Mexican push his wife off a cliff??

TE-QUIL-A!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask, where are you going? I'm taking these horses to the races, but it's empty! Says the copper. I know says Paddy, I'm taking the non-runners first!

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By *yintotryCouple
over a year ago

Belfast

"My sexy next door neighbour knocked and asked me if I new anything about underwear going missing off her washing line?

I nearly shit her pants!"

Did make me laugh lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young girl goes into a barbers with her dad, she's eating a muffin standing beside him, the barber looks at her and says your going to get hairs on that muffin young lady, the young girl looks up and says, yeah I'm going to get tits too you dirty bastard.

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

Two auld ones pulling carrots. 'Jaysus mary this one looks just like my fellas willie...'

'Is it the shape of it?'

'No'

'Is it the colour of it?'

'No'

'Is it the length of it?'

'NO...Its the fuckin dirt of it!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jammin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the first sign of travellers in the bible.

Hosanna in the hi ace

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

First sign of soccer? Jeasus took the cross!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First sign of soccer? Jeasus took the cross!"

Jesus going up for a high cross and getting nailed lol

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By *ore of thatMan
over a year ago

skerries

What you call a mayo man with an all ireland medal ..????

An antique collector. ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what you call a women with one leg bigger than other.....eileen

what you call women with both legs the same....noleen

women puts add in paper for her perfect man....someone who will never leave, never beat her and is dynamite in bed.

after lots of pretenders she is loosing hope when the door bell rings,she answer can see anyone until she hears down here she looks down to man with no arms or legs. he says im ur perfect man to which she giggles: what makes ya thibk that she says.

well ive no legs so i cant leave u and no arms so i cant beat you says the man

yes ok she says but what about being my lover

to which he interupts..howd ya think i rang the doorbell love

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny!!

Ok you did say when you're d*unk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny!!

Ok you did say when you're d*unk

"
very good lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife's in a right fuckin' mood!!!! Someone's stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line...... She's not bothered about the knickers so much, she just wants the 24 pegs back!!!!!

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

"My wife's in a right fuckin' mood!!!! Someone's stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line...... She's not bothered about the knickers so much, she just wants the 24 pegs back!!!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner

'Ok, I want to buy a pet but I don't want a boring normal pet; no cats or dogs or budgies, I want something different'

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede

'Really?' says the man

'How much?'

The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 quid. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says

'Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

The centipede says nothing

Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says

"Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

Again, the centipede says nothing

Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund

An hour later the man opens the match box and says

'Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

The centipede says

'I heard you the first time, you twat'

'I was putting my shoes on..'

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

teacher askes a student wheres packistan

kid replys outside playing with packisteve

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By *ittleman300Man
over a year ago

tralee

Just got a puppy from the local blacksmith, first thing he did when he got home was make a bolt for the back door

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By *adame BWoman
over a year ago

C'est moi Boudoir

"A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner

'Ok, I want to buy a pet but I don't want a boring normal pet; no cats or dogs or budgies, I want something different'

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede

'Really?' says the man

'How much?'

'Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

The centipede says nothing

Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says

"Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

Again, the centipede says nothing

Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund

An hour later the man opens the match box and says

'Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?'

The centipede says

'I heard you the first time, you twat'

'I was putting my shoes on..'"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My sexy next door neighbour knocked and asked me if I new anything about underwear going missing off her washing line?

I nearly shit her pants!"
that's funny lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boy goes into the bakery and asks the baker for a loaf of bread. The Baker asks the boy, brown or white? And the boy replies, it doesn't matter I've got my bike outside

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By *eauhoMan
over a year ago

City Centre

Why couldn't Anthony Kiedis get his dvd player to work?

A scart issue.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50

Chicken Sandwich: £2.50

Hand Job: £10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

whats the differnce between a midget and a dwarf

very little

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in a restaurant last night, and I noticed the waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen

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By *adame BWoman
over a year ago

C'est moi Boudoir

"A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50

Chicken Sandwich: £2.50

Hand Job: £10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!""

Blessed are the cheese makers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the gay magician....

His disappeared with a poof

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

Doctor doctor...it hurts when I do this...

Don't do that.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I touch myself her, here, here, here and here, in fact it hurts wherever I touch myself.

Yes, your finger is broken.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What does a perverted frog say?

A: Rubbit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies lingerie range, in hindsight Shatner knickers wasnt a good choice of name in the 1st place

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I absolutely hate Russian Dolls....They are so full of themselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year..

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By *adame BWoman
over a year ago

C'est moi Boudoir

I refused to believe that my road-worker father was thief....... but, when I got home, all the signs were there!

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By *ommickMan
over a year ago

cork

"I refused to believe that my road-worker father was thief....... but, when I got home, all the signs were there!

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By *otnwild69Couple
over a year ago

cork city

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

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By *adame BWoman
over a year ago

C'est moi Boudoir

The first time I got a Universal Remote Control, I thought, “well, this changes everything!!

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By *arry and AnnCouple
over a year ago

Louth

Recently, I was accused of being homophobic. I'm definitely not. Most of the men I've slept with have been gay

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By *otnwild69Couple
over a year ago

cork city

2 peanuts go walking in the park late one night..................one was a-salted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between an American and a yogurt ?

A yogurt has a culture

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

Doctor: Do you play sports?

Me: Does sex count?

Doctor: Yes.

Me: Then, no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The lady asked if I would like thighs or breasts, I said I preferred shaved vagina and anal, apparently this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC

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By *excouple69Couple
over a year ago

wexford

I heard there opening a restaurant on the moon.

Food is great but there's no atmosphere

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I bought myself the new U2 Sat Nav. It's rubbish. . .

The streets have no names and I still haven't found what i'm looking for !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't Pakistan play soccer?

Every time they get a corner they set up a shop....

What did the young Scottish kid in hospital get for Christmas?

... A Wii Fit...

Why do Jews have big noses?

... Because air is free...

I've never really met a proper Jew..

...they seem to be only Jewish..

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By *eisurepleasureMan
over a year ago

belfast

Man goes into petshop

Says" i want to buy a wasp"

Petshop "we dont sell wasps"

Man" youve 2 in the window"

Its the way i tell em

Frank Carson

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man goes into petshop

Says" i want to buy a wasp"

Petshop "we dont sell wasps"

Man" youve 2 in the window"

Its the way i tell em

Frank Carson"

Good old frank. He was a legend haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Father Son talk

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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By *otstuffkerry1Couple
over a year ago

tralee

i used to tell a joke about the jonestown massacre... i dont any more ... the punchline is too long

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your the man who invented tip-ex??

Correct me if I'm wrong..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats a mans idea of foreplay, a half hour of begging

A four letter word that everyman is afraid of (more)

Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Elderly couple in church and the wife turned to her husband and said ...

"I've just let out a silent fart, what should I do now??"

Her husband replied ...

"Replace your hearing aid batteries, the old ones are dead!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took a girl for a date, to a restaurant on the moon. Great food. No atmosphere though

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By *iktikiCouple
over a year ago

cork

Whats the similarity between a priest and a kebab.

If you get a bad one they'll both tear the hole off ya

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan.""

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By *oserMan
over a year ago

where the wild roses grow

[Removed by poster at 09/12/17 01:06:23]

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By *ohndunboyneMan
over a year ago

Dunboyne & Dublin

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

Billy Connolly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home..

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

That reminds me of the fella who rushed into the pub and said to the barman "quick, can I have seven double brandies" as he looked over his shoulder. The barman lined them up and the man rapidly downed all of them. The barman said "Jesus, you drank them fast". "Yeah" says your man, "you'd drink them fast too if you had what I have". "Fuck" says the barman, "what do you have?"

"Oh" says your man, "I have about fifty cent"

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

Teacher asked her class if they knew any 12 letter words

Little johnny shouted Masturbation as the class giggled the teacher replied

My word that's certainly a mouthful

Little johnny replied no miss that's a blow job ????????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the rudest kind of elf?

A gofuckyourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowoman snow balls

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more d*unk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m d*unk and me knees are killin’ me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

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By *andsomeman100Man
over a year ago

Ah sure now...

Good one

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I turned up to my blind date thirty minutes late.

I said, "Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in work."

"That's okay," she smiled. "Where do you work?"

I replied, "In a glue factory."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What does a perverted frog say?

A: Rubbit

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees

the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken

wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's

surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens

caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise

and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna! do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck

tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's

amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with

about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by

carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat.

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of s. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.

Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion

and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"

The Lion replies, "Fucking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

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By *xyzptlk088Man
over a year ago

Galway

What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist?

A hockey player will actually shower after 3 periods.

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man
over a year ago

One day Ollie complained to a fab friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at superdrug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.

It only costs €10."

Ollie figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the €10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting.

It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the superdrug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the €10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.

They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Two aboriginal blokes were in a bar talking and one says to the other,

"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn,

your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second aboriginal bloke says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

guy walks into a doctors office with a head of lettuce sticking out of his ass...doctor tells him it looks bad but may only be the tip of the iceberg

******************************************

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