FabSwingers.com forum: Bad Joke Thread IV ©

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A fisherman walks into a bar with his prize catch.

Barman, "Why the long plaice?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deja Moo...the feeling you've heard this bull before.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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By *heelofTimeCouple
over a year ago

Two Rivers

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet............?!

A teabag

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city

"What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet............?!

A teabag "

How does moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet............?!

A teabag

How does moses make his tea?

Hebrews it."

Loose tea Israeli how he does it...

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A bra and a set of jump leads walked into a bar. The bra ordered two pints but the barman refused saying "no way, you're off your tits and your pal looks like he wants to start something"

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city

A burger and chips walks into a bar.

The bartender says, sorry we don't serve food here

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By *amsam69Man
over a year ago

dublin

What did the copper say to his bellybutton? Your under-a-vest

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"What did the copper say to his bellybutton? Your under-a-vest"

Now that's truly bad

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By *amsam69Man
over a year ago

dublin

"What did the copper say to his bellybutton? Your under-a-vest

Now that's truly bad

Why thank you i do try ????

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

??"

Too good for this thread.

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By *eralt80Man
over a year ago

cork

What do you get if you cross an airline with oral sex?

Cuni-Lingus.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

??"

I take my hat off to you!

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city

Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

"how flexible are you" he said.

I said "I can't make Thursdays"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is Cilla Black?

Is Barry White?

It sure makes Stevie Wonder

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water""

made me think!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do cows go on a Saturday night?

To the mooovies.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Two cows in a field. One says "mooooooo". The other says "ah fuck ya, I was just about to say that!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

??"

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

My local cafe is serving Oasis soup....you get a roll with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/05/17 16:58:58]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just finished reading the dictionary...turns out the zebra did it..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can say what you want about deaf people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen

Don't take her out again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did batman say to robin before they got in the car...

Get in the car robin

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By *uthTVDerbysTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

My girlfriend said she wanted to try being my slave in the bedroom.

Not sure how I will fit a pyramid in there though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Scotsman was up a ladder cleaning the bedroom windows when he noticed 50p fall from his pocket. He was taken to hospital for stitches after the 50p hit him on the back of his head.

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By *uthTVDerbysTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

I only believe 12.5% of what

the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh brilliant some of the jokes on here ...

" I will take it as a compliment" , " I must have said it wrong then " best line out of Downtown Abbey so far

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A Scotsman was up a ladder cleaning the bedroom windows when he noticed 50p fall from his pocket. He was taken to hospital for stitches after the 50p hit him on the back of his head."

A-ha! See Jock, I told Ya.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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By *arge Hardon ColliderMan
over a year ago

Not far away

I don't like those jokes about dwarves that are doing the rounds and won't be part of it.

.....I'm bigger than that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl asked me the other day if I prefer legs or breasts. I said " to be honest, a freshly shaven pussy really turns me on".

Apparently, I'm not allowed back in KFC!!

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By *oby.mobyMan
over a year ago

waterford

DOGS CAN'T OPERATE MRI MACHINES but catscan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An irish mothers letter

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

Your father has a new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maggy has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Uncle d*ck drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you 100 dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if you say " gullible " really really fast its sounds like "oranges"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"if you say " gullible " really really fast its sounds like "oranges""

The worst bit about this one I know a few that would believe it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I awoke early this morning

The Earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perched on my windowsill

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun

It seemed his very trilling

Brought up the morning sun

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed

Gently shut the window

And crushed his fucking head!

I am NOT a morning person!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How does the Moon cut the Sun's hair?

Eclipse it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonkey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns sitting in a bath

One nun says to the other wears the soap?

The second nun says yes it does doesn't it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bridey says to Sheanie.."do we have sexual relations ???"

"I dunno " he says " but if we do they didn't turn up at your mother's funeral ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is a Rodeofuck? You start by screwing your wife doggie-style, then you put your hands on her shoulders then whisper in her ear that her sister is a better lay than her. Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man
over a year ago

"A bra and a set of jump leads walked into a bar. The bra ordered two pints but the barman refused saying "no way, you're off your tits and your pal looks like he wants to start something"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Because he was sat on the DECK

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why are mounts & knolls funny places?

Because they're Hill areas...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/06/17 20:31:54]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the egg blush??.

Cos someone saw its yoke

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man
over a year ago

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

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By *unlinguyMan
over a year ago

South Dublin

2 irish men walk OUT of a bar...

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By *arge Hardon ColliderMan
over a year ago

Not far away

Man: Can I smell your pussy?

Woman: No you can NOT!!

Man: Oh ok, maybe it's your breath then?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Note: The Dyson ball vacuum cleaner's name is misleading.

It's actually just a normal vac...

Who knew.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I recently got banned from b and q. Some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Carrot & Broccoli are driving down the road when Carrot says "Oh no, we've got a puncture"

Broccoli answers "We'll have to use Asparagus"...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How does the Pope buy stuff online?

He uses Papal...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Helvetica walks into a bar.

The barkeep says "Hey, we don't serve your type in here"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mermaid was looking for a job in a whorehouse but there weren't enough openings ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish I hadn't told the gay lad next door that you can use margarine as lube if you ever run out.

He's been Storking me ever since

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

Why don't French people eat two eggs for breakfast????

Cos 1 egg is an ouef....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cows in a field

One cow says to the other are you not worried about this mad cow disease going around the other cow replays no sure I'm a helicopter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant"

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

She says, "I think it must be the second coming!

The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me and my mate Dave where in the pub when he pipes up.

"Back when I was younger I shagged my teacher"

"That's fucking disgusting dave" I foamed

"Is it fuck, she was fit and gagging for it and I was a horny teenager!"

" Dave! You were fucking home schooled"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why don't owls mate in the rain?

It's too wet to woo.

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