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Jokes or funny story.

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By *etmebeurfantasy OP   Woman
over a year ago

My town

I'm not feeling too well tell me either a joke or funny story to lift my mood.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Letme I stole this from the duke, its a little advice that may turn that frown upside down :

The

following report should help nervous swingers to navigate the treacherous waters of gangbang etiquette and avoid those common faux pas that can turn perfectly delightful public sex with random strangers into a semen-stained social embarrassment.

Most orgy invitations will specify what, if anything, should be brought by the attendees. Once my invitation arrived at Duke Towers I got my assistant to read it out-loud twice. Read everything carved into the bathroom stall door to make sure you didn’t miss any important details. Aside from a raging boner and a dish to pass, here is a list of other things you might want to consider:

-Personal lubricant

-Shitload of hand sanitizer

-Duct tape

-Viking helmet

-Not AIDS

Always be punctual when attending a gangbang. (This will be the only time during the evening when coming early is actually encouraged!) Remember, there are dozens of people you don’t know waiting for you to stick parts of your body in them. It is rude to make them wait. Showing up late not only reflects poorly on you, but also prevents you from getting in on the action from the beginning. I arrived early so I could watch everyone arrive and spy out potential troublemakers. Few things are more awkward than trying to strike up a conversation with a woman who already has some other dude’s junk jammed in her throat. Once I had located my targets I approached them before any other males had the change to annoy them with AFC ramblings. Talking in statement form is the way old friends talk to each other. Statements are the mode of the intimate, the confident and the giving. They invite others to share and make perfect metaphysical sense. Trust me on that-you do not have to spend nights lying on the grass staring up at our spread eagled milky-way galaxy figuring it all out. I have done that for you.

And while it’s not exactly considered rude to already have your cock out when you arrive, you should make the effort to dress it up a bit. The sight of a naked man with an engorged penis unceremoniously stumbling into a room full of strangers can be unpleasant and awkward. A little pirate hat or some glitter down the sides are nice touches.

Once an orgy began, it quickly became a room full of flying dicks and tits, and it’s easy to get caught up in all the dick-and-tit-flying and forget your manners. Here are some guidelines to help you avoid common mistakes usually made while fucking.

At a gangbang, it is certainly not expected that you bring a woman flowers, (The Duke never buys woman anything) but on the other hand, you don’t want to just mount her and start jackhammering her baby box like a monkey on angel dust. Women in general like a little romance and tenderness, and some doped-up skank writhing around in a dimly-lit furnished basement is no exception.

Mouth kissing is usually acceptable, but very risky in a group sex setting, and therefore not something I never do. Depending on where her mouth was (or more importantly what was in it) just prior to your encounter will make the difference between a pleasant pre-sex interaction and getting a mouthful of cum belch. Kissing other parts of her body runs similar risks. Absent a black light, you must assume any woman with whom you engage is currently coated entirely in dried spunk.

A quick tit slap or a poke in the neck with your cock will alleviate much of this risk and still accomplish the goal of tactile arousal. Remember, as much as you want to be polite and get a woman aroused, you also want to avoid touching her jizz-sprayed body as much as possible.

Whether it’s your big toe, car keys, or some other chick’s face, it is rude to stick anything into someone else’s asshole without permission. A simple, “Pardon me miss, but do you mind if I slam this into your pooper?” will not only be appreciated for its thoughtfulness. You must treat each asshole you encounter with the respect it deserves.

I know when you’ve got a boner that could punch a hole through a cinder block and the only available place to stick it is some other guy’s stink winker, it seems pretty tempting. But remember, this is a gangbang, not Ben Affleck’s tool shed. Try to exhibit some class.

Understandably, there are certain multiple-partner sexual positions where the men outnumber the women that will involve some inevitable ball touching and sack friction. This is unavoidable, and therefore acceptable. But again, sexual contact with other men should never be intentional and always kept to a minimum(3 second rule). And remember, never make eye contact with a man whose genitals are touching yours.

You may be nervous about potentially having a public orgasm. It’s easy to get lost in the moment and do something that will embarrass you or other guests. Don’t let your manners shoot out of your dick along with all that busted nut!

First comes the announcement. It’s good to make a show of it to let people know how much you are enjoying yourself, and it also allows any nearby women to get their faces into position. Simply yelling, “I’m coming!” is trite and clichéd. Something more colorful like, “Eat my dick bullets!” can serve as a real attention getter and let everyone know how excited the idea of ejaculating in front of them makes you. This will get them excited as well, and everyone will have a good time as you spray the room with your ball juice.

Next is to carefully consider where to launch your cock splatter. It is a good idea to practice at home ahead of time as much as possible so you can properly determine distance and volume. I practice on my regulars or my assistant. With those measurements in mind, always try to aim your exploding man cannon onto as many women within range as possible.

Don’t worry if the woman is not facing you or doesn’t seem particularly interested in having you shoot your love juice onto her. Rules of gangbang etiquette dictate that your earlier announcement is more than sufficient warning.

Final Thought

With a little practice and mindfulness, proper gangbang etiquette will become second nature. The most important thing to remember is to have fun! After all, what kind of hopeless faggot can’t enjoy a night of banging some nasty-ass bitches?

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

While riding one day a lone triker met a farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep along side him

The triker began a conversation

Triker. Hay Cool dog you got there mind if I talk to him?

Farmer . Dogs don't talk !

Triker . Hey dog how's it going ?

Dog . Yeah cool thanks

Farmers mouth open in shock

Triker . Is this your owner ? Pointing at the farmer

Dog. Yeah

Triker . How's he treating you?

Dog . Great he walks me twice a day feeds me great food and takes me to the river once a week to play

Triker . Mind if I talk to your horse ?

Farmer. Horses don't talk !

Triker . Hey horse how's it going ?

Farmer again mouth open in amazement

Horse yeah good , thanks for asking

Triker . Is this your owner?

Horse Yessireee

Triker . How's he treating you?

Horse . Very well. He rides me often brushes me and keeps me in a stable to protect me makes shire I'm clean and have fresh hay

Farmer is in total amazement

Triker . Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Farmer. Shouts the sheep is a lier

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A retired American tourist was hiking through the Welsh valleys one day when he came across a man in a poor state. As he got closer to the man he noticed that the man was somewhat the worse for wear. He'd a bottle in his hand and it was near empty. When he approached the man he could see tears pouring down the man's face. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He said "Son, is there a reason you're drowning your sorrows in that bottle?" The Welshman straightens himself up a little and wipes the tears from his cheeks and says pointing to one side of the valley, "you see that stone wall over there? That stone wall is 7 miles long and I laid every stone with my bare hands. Do you think they call me Gareth the stonemason? Nooo" The American looks and says.."is that all?". Before he could bestow some advice the welsemantic points to the other side of the valley and says "there's 25 thatched cottages over there and I thatched every one of them with my bare hands and do they call me Gareth the thatcher?..Nooooooo". The American replies..."is that the little reason your in that state?" Again as he was just about to dish out some advice, the Welshman interrupts in a sobbing voice.."but theres one sheep in the whole fucking Valley and what do you think they call me?".

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?

the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car??.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound??.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later,

The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car??.

That night, he hears the same strange noise ??that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning??, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you??. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth ??and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some 4?5? years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says,

I have traveled the earth?? and have found what you have asked for. There are

145,236,284,232 blades of grass and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth??.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk??.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door?? where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone??.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door ??made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door??, this one made of sapphire,

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know end.

He unlocks the door,

turns the knob,

and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

????But he can't tell you what it is because you're not

a monk

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