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Bad Joke Thread III ©

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I hear people complaining about Iceland selling Reindeer steak but no-one complains about Lidl donkey...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I went to that new fetish restaurant in Temple Bar last night.

I got toed in the hole...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Devastated.

A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *oodbuddy 51Man
over a year ago

Puerto Rico, Gran Canaria


"Devastated.

A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the fish cross the road?

Because my fucking streets flooded AGAIN

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind of dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary?

A Thesaurus!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rudolph the well hung reindeer,

Had a great enormous cock,

All he could ever do with it,

was beat it off inside a sock,

All of the female reindeer,

Had pussies that were just too small,

Poor old well hung Rudolph,

Could not get any sex at all,

Then one horny Christmas eve,

Santa came to say,

"Rudolph with your cock so strong...

Fuck my arsehole all night long..!"

Then all the reindeer loved him,

A few of them were heard to say,

"Rudolph the well hung reindeer...

You're so lucky Santa's Gay"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How does Santa like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp & even...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

What's white and blue, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?

A fridge in a denim jacket!

Is this a competition for worst joke?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyDownUnderWoman
over a year ago

Westmeath

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own."

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyDownUnderWoman
over a year ago

Westmeath


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions ."

Settle

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

Settle "

I have two laughing faces after my comment, it was a lighthearted comment. No badness intended. Just a joke

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyDownUnderWoman
over a year ago

Westmeath


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

Settle

I have two laughing faces after my comment, it was a lighthearted comment. No badness intended. Just a joke "

Aah my sarcasm is lost

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

Settle

I have two laughing faces after my comment, it was a lighthearted comment. No badness intended. Just a joke

Aah my sarcasm is lost "

Sorry, my mistake. Probably should have detected it. Damn Heineken

Fresh start??

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyDownUnderWoman
over a year ago

Westmeath


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

Settle

I have two laughing faces after my comment, it was a lighthearted comment. No badness intended. Just a joke

Aah my sarcasm is lost

Sorry, my mistake. Probably should have detected it. Damn Heineken

Fresh start??"

Hmm. Very few get me in this country ... don't take it personally

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions .

Settle

I have two laughing faces after my comment, it was a lighthearted comment. No badness intended. Just a joke

Aah my sarcasm is lost

Sorry, my mistake. Probably should have detected it. Damn Heineken

Fresh start??

Hmm. Very few get me in this country ... don't take it personally "

I get that sometimes too.

I genuinely didn't mean anything bad and still don't.

Now, this is supposed to be a joke thread so:

What do Liverpool fans do after Liverpool win the league?

Turn off their playstation

I'm a liverpool fan by the way but it's funny nonetheless.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's yellow & swings from cake to cake?

Tarzipan...

Nice cake Mother.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

Why does Snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyDownUnderWoman
over a year ago

Westmeath

You know how tennis players get tennis elbow as part of their injuries. What do Gynecologist's get?

A. Tunnel vision

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. They're very efficient & not very funny.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats a ghost favourite food?

Spookghetti....

OK will pull another cracker and post more classics soon

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My boyfriend told me to choose between him & my career as a reporter.

Well I've got news for him...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For sale .. Vacuum cleaner as just gathering dust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tried to catch some fog the other day.

I mist.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ilentgirlWoman
over a year ago

That place in

How do u cook sausages in the jungle

Under a gorilla

Sorry

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut but if a man does it....

He's gay, definitely gay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut but if a man does it....

He's gay, definitely gay.

"

I told you I was just experimenting

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course darling.

Woman: Would you die for me?

Man: No, mine is an undying love...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Just a thought...

If your birthday is in September, I guess your parents also saw their New Year in with a bang.

Happy New Year!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

George Micheal died from choking after opening his selection box...

He was careless with his wispa

Too early?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Why should you never by Ukranian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fallout...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

A man goes to the zoo. The only animal in the zoo was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eiseguy83Man
over a year ago

Waterford

Called into the local blacksmiths today asked him had he ever shooed a horse before. He said no but he did tell a donkey to fuck off once

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *addy36Man
over a year ago

Mayo

I had a couple of good jokes about hoovers but I was told they suck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had a couple of good jokes about hoovers but I was told they suck "

Actually they were so bad they blew

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom Boom.

My last girlfriend was a material girl. Glass eye, rubber lips,wooden leg....

I ate lots and lots of string yesterday I shit you knots

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl asked me yesterday if I legs or breasts. I said " if I'm honest, I prefer a nice shaven pussy", apparently I'm not allowed back in KFC!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 10/01/17 10:04:45]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral makes your day, anal makes your hole weak

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

Two lads on a boat getting attacked by a shark.

1st lad: Will he eat me whole?

2nd lad: No he'll spit that bit out.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Mr69: Candy says she's had enough of my Star Wars obsession & wants to leave me...

Divorce is strong in this one.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 10/01/17 14:33:03]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife said she was going to leave me because of my unhealthy obsession with the 60's band The Monkeys. I thought she was joking...... and then I saw her face!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the only kind of Bee that produces milk........?

A BOO-BEE !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you from Dublin 6w?

Cuz i can see myself Terenure clothes off

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

Why are men smarter during sex?

Because they're plugged into a fucking know it all!!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What does a house wear?

A dress.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you have three dyslexic's in a room does that make a riot?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why can't dinosaurs touch their toes?

Because they're all dead

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's long & thin, covered in skin, red in parts & goes in tarts?

Rhubarb of course.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How do you find Will Smith in a snow covered landscape?

Look for the fresh prints...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *mwateryouwearMan
over a year ago

cork

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago

South Dublin Area


"What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman can make that joke on Fab with no repercussions ."
.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

You should have seen the teens face when he opened his present & saw a pile of corrugated cardboard....well he did ask for an ex-box!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What did the Pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A friend asked me "what's the best way to sneak food into the pictures?"

"I have a few Twix up my sleeve" I said...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man
over a year ago

..

..while on my travels tru Leitrim the other eve i saw a blonde rowing in a boat out in the middle of a field and another blonde comes along and yells out to her Hey your reason why us blondes get bad names if i could swim i would swim out there and kick your ass

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Mr69, 14/2/17: Candy rang & said "3 girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "Thats probably why they received flowers"...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a Celtic Soccer player has had to pay out £250000 in compensation to an Elvis Impersenator who was involved in an unsavoury incident at Night Club last year....

the Man on receiving the judgement said

" thank you very much "

Elvis has left the building

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *oleadorXXMan
over a year ago

dublin

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Told my mate i was having problems in the bedroom so being a doctor he prescribed me a few viagra

I thought "How the fuck is this gonna help me assemble my new wardrobe?"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can play the piano?

A) Clever Dick.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a dinasour with one eye?

A) a doyouthinkhesawus.

Thank you, I'm here all week.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Encore, ok.

A man walks into the doctors naked and wrapped only in cling film from head to toe.

The doctor says on seeing him "I can clearly see your nuts."

Boom boom.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Last one, I'm due on stage....

I always wanted to be a doctor when I grew up but I just didn't have the patients ( patience- get it!)

Stage door left.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *onathan kMan
over a year ago

sligo ballymote

love them all laughing my whole off

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Mr69, 14/2/17: Candy rang & said "3 girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "Thats probably why they received flowers"...

"

Mr.69 you need a good spanking

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many condoms can you get from a tyre ??

365 in a Goodyear!!!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Is it me or have anyone else noticed that exit signs are on their way out!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

[Removed by poster at 17/02/17 22:37:04]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a Deer with one eye?

A) no idea

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expect it...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a Deer with one eye and no legs?

A) still no idea!!!

Hahaha, laughing at my own now. Taxi.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?

A) Russell

That taxi here yet

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

A) cliff.

What has a man gotta do to get a taxi around here?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Right last one I am due back at the asylum.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

A) Doug

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Ok seeing as you asked and I know you are curious......

What do you call a man without a spade on his head then?

A) Douglass

Taxis here who wants a lift.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Asked to be dropped off at the corner as I felt the crowd needed more! Ahe

A man walks into the Doctors and says Doctor, Doctor i feel like a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together man says the Doctor

Ta ding.

Taxi.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

A man walks into the Doctors and says Doctor, Doctor people keep ignoring me.

Doctor- next

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Mr69, 14/2/17: Candy rang & said "3 girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "Thats probably why they received flowers"...

Mr.69 you need a good spanking "

Mr69: Ooh! I prefer a grope!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Teacher: class, what's your favourite letter?

Student: G.

Teacher: Why is it your favourite Angus?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

chicken and a cow walk in to a bar

barman says i dont want to hear any cock and bull stories

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

bono and the edge walk in to a bar

barman say not u2 again

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Mr69, 14/2/17: Candy rang & said "3 girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "Thats probably why they received flowers"...

Mr.69 you need a good spanking

Mr69: Ooh! I prefer a grope! "

Work away Mr.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eisurepleasureMan
over a year ago

belfast

What do u call an italian with a rubber toe?

ROBERTO!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do u call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

Woman with no legs?

Noleen

Japanese woman with one leg?

Irene

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Called into the local blacksmiths today asked him had he ever shooed a horse before. He said no but he did tell a donkey to fuck off once "

Brilliant

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *edsNewCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Bedford

I found a hole in my trainer the other day, big enough to get my finger in..

She's made an official complaint and my gym membership has now been suspended.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *apt blackMan
over a year ago

Lurgan

Teacher: why weren't you at school yesterday Jonny?

Jonny: my grandpa got burnt Miss

Teacher: it must have been serious

Jonny: they don't fuck about at the crematorium miss.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

What do call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum hole?

Warren

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

[Removed by poster at 19/02/17 13:04:36]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What do you call a guy standing under a bridge............Arch

What do you call a guy standing under a bridge without any hair........Archibald..

My all time favorite .

What do you call Postman Pat when he's made redundant.............Pat

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What have brussels sprouts and pubic hair got in common?

U just brush them aside and carry on eating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate David lost his id.... now he's just Dav.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a kangaroot?...

One's a Marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Medical fact of the day: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine per day it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What have the Shift key and a stint in prison got in common?

They both make your 'o' an 'O'...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Here ya go Letme, hope you're feeling better soon.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Found a strip of Viagra in a drawer yesterday so I slipped Mr one in a drink.

No good though, it didn't work. turns out they were past their swell by date...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ir1967Man
over a year ago

in da sticks, london, amsterdam, madrid


"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. They're very efficient & not very funny. "

Well since that light bulb exercise takes in some countries 10+1 , Germany recently introduced the single handed light bulb replacement technology , for efficiency sake indeed and it prove to work well

Other countries still apply 10 + 1 solution with devastating economic effect

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bob has no arms..

Knock, knock

Whos there. Its not Bob..

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I got a rescue dog but he only responds when I talk to him in Spanish...

I think he's Espanyol...

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By *ittleman300Man
over a year ago

tralee

Guy boasting about fucking twins,how can you tell them apart asks his friend, no problem was his reply, Jane has black hair and Derek has a moustache

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By *eauhoMan
over a year ago

City Centre

Did you hear about the man who mistook viagra for laxatives?

He didn't know whether he was coming or going...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get 4 elephants into a mini?

2 in the front and 2 in the back!

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter!

How do you know if there's 4 elephants in your fridge?

The mini is parked outside!

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By *uff pleaserMan
over a year ago

dublin

wet to the doctor the other day for a check up , he told me ive to stop masterbating . i was y doc, he said cox im trying to examin u

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Mr69:I went to bed with a blind girl last night!

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on!

I said "You're pulling my leg".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the German chicken cross the road? To show that not all chicken crossing the road jokes are humorous and also because it was efficient to do so!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Why did the Esk...Inuit climb through his Igloo window?

Because he had lost his Huskys...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say an Englishman laughs three times at the same joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it,the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives me some hope.

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see his flat mate.

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

When I was younger I told my parents and family I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up and they all started laughing at me.

Guess what, there not laughing now!

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

Anyone else noticed that exit signs are on the way out?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What do you call 2 guys sitting above a window?

Kurt and Rod...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives me some hope."
That reminds me of a good joke. First Englishman what was the final score in the match this afternoon? Second Englishman: nill-nil"First Englishman : what was

the score at half time?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Remember to use condoms!

Because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50 ? Colonel sir!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers please"

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By *ccasional couple 32Couple
over a year ago

mayo

What do you call a bag of fannys??

Clitorus all sorts !

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By *safunwituMan
over a year ago

Enniscorthy

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he plays with Pooh...

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just met a woman with 12 nipples. Sounds Fun dozen tit ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mother in law is a very generous lady...she gave me and half the town an STD on more than one occasion!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Why were The Middle Ages also called The Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of Knights...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Girlfriend asked me to throw out all my meatloaf cds and tapes ,

I would do anything for love but I won't do that ,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was shopping in tesco with herself yesterday when she turned around and called me a lazy cunt !!!

I was so shocked i nearly fell out of the trolley !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is big and heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers please""

Lol

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By *ork fellaMan
over a year ago

Macroom

3 strangers drinking in a pub, first one says this place is crazy dear, in my local I pay for the first 2 drinks and get the third free. Second guy says thats nothing in my local I pay for the first drink and get the second free. Third guys says thats nothing in my local you pay for the first drink and then get the second third fourth fifth sixth and seventh drinks free, go out around the back then and you get the ride too. First two lads say jesus does that happen often there?? Third fella says not sure its never happened to me but always happens to my sister!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road...... cos the chicken was still stuck on his cock..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does Santa like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp & even...

"

Hear about the circumcionist that lost his job? He got the sac

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the nicest guy in a hospital?

The Ultra Sound Guy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy in a swimming pool with no arms and legs?

Bob

Difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day,anal sex makes your whole week

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I removed all the German numbers from my phone

Now it's Hans free

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By *ilf46Man
over a year ago

South East Area , Leinster

Hear about the magic tractor !!

It went down the lane and turned into a field !!!!@@@??

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had...

He started counting but fell asleep...

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Welsh man's favorite love making position.....

on the edge of the cliff so the sheep push back harder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 02/04/17 13:55:18]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's big and red and throbs between your legs...

A Ducati

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Welsh man's favorite love making position.....

on the edge of the cliff so the sheep push back harder."

Welshman national dress...

Green wellies?

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

think you're laughing on your own to that one.......

We must be only nation that openly advertise brothels on our roads.

Normally seen when going over cattle grids you have sheep in triangular signs....

One of our favorite songs is Baa Baa Baa barbara Anne

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By *aid backMan
over a year ago

by a lake with my rod out

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

Both can smell it but can't taste it!

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

There was a tragic incident in the Nestlé factory this morning when a pile of products fell on a staff member.

To make matters worse, every time he screamed "the milky bars are on me" his co workers just cheered!

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By *lik UrgeeMan
over a year ago

mallow

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails???

Single !??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Mourinho has promised Manchester's second team supporters that they will be in a major European competition next year.

Even if he has to write the song himself...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When aged 69 Ludwig van Beethoven was asked...

Why did you join fab...

He replied...

Pardon....

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By *ork fellaMan
over a year ago

Macroom

Whats the first thing that comes out of a Mans penis when he gets an erection? The wrinkles!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alan"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did Bono fall off the cliff?

He was standing too close to the Edge

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The kids asked me what my plans were for the weekend.

The same as jesus' I said.

Disappear on Friday and reappear on Sunday...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

2 cows in a field in Scotland...

How do you know which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the horse say to the one legged man.

How ya getting on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you cook a monkey....????????

Gor....illa!!!??????

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By *ubarufanCouple
over a year ago

Shannon

[Removed by poster at 11/05/17 02:20:53]

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By *ubarufanCouple
over a year ago

Shannon

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish shop?

HELLO LADIES.

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By *quirt hunter1Man
over a year ago

all over

Did you hear about the cabbage that died there was a big turnup at the funeral

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan


"Did you hear about the cabbage that died there was a big turnup at the funeral "

The priest started the ceremony with "lettuce pray".

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan


"Did you hear about the cabbage that died there was a big turnup at the funeral

The priest started the ceremony with "lettuce pray". "

There wasn't mushroom in the chapel.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan


"Did you hear about the cabbage that died there was a big turnup at the funeral

The priest started the ceremony with "lettuce pray".

There wasn't mushroom in the chapel. "

Missus cabbage said she'd always beetroot to him..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man tells his doctor he keeps thinking he's a dog. When the doctor tells him to get up on the couch and he will examine him, the man replies "I'm not allowed on the couch".

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan


"A man tells his doctor he keeps thinking he's a dog. When the doctor tells him to get up on the couch and he will examine him, the man replies "I'm not allowed on the couch"."

Ah that's ruff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Cuz I put in the wrong socks this morning

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

In honour of Gary's dental quip...

I put my phone under my pillow when I went to sleep last night, I woke up & it's gone but there's a €2 coin instead!

Damn Bluetooth fairy...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Status Quo are in the studio waiting for Francis Rossi to show up when the door flies open with an excited Rossi shouting "lads, stop everything, I have a brand new song!

Rick Parfitt replies "what`s wrong with the old song?"

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A man walked up to a bar with a lump of tar under his arm. Says he... "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road"

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A man stole a calendar... He got 12 months.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Which reminds me... A man who used to work at a calendar printer's for fired for taking a day off

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city


"A man stole a calendar... He got 12 months. "

what do calenders eat ?

Dates.

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