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"Stood watching 4 guys walking around a grave yard for 15 mins carrying a coffin. Thought to myself they've lost the fuckin plot!!" Hahaha | |||
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."" That's too good for the bad joke section | |||
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"Cops arrested a battery and a firework last night, they charged one and let the other off" | |||
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen." That's too good for the bad joke section " Jaysus I have loads & i've been told they are bad.... Saw a scarecrow playing with himself. Thought to myself he's clutching at straw | |||
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen." That's too good for the bad joke section Jaysus I have loads & i've been told they are bad.... Saw a scarecrow playing with himself. Thought to myself he's clutching at straw" Maybe I'm just easily amused... Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? Turned into a field | |||
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"Did you see the film about the tractor?? Me neither but I saw the trailer...... Now there's some bad jokes" They bad | |||
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"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"" | |||
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg". Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!! " | |||
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."" He gets excited and asks for sex. Afterwards he tells her it was lovely and if he had known she was that tight he would have asked her ages ago. She replied "If I'd known you get it up I'd have taken my tights off! | |||
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"A man told his wife he bought the newly released Official Olympic branded condoms. They are made in Gold, Silver and Bronze colours. Wife asked "can you wear the Silver ones tonight?" He replied "why? Is it because it contrasts with your neatly trimmed auburn pubic hair?" Wife replied "No!! It would just be nice if you fucking came second for a change!!" " | |||
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg". Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!! " brilliant!! | |||
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"I witnessed an attempted murder earlier..... Luckily only one crow showed up. " | |||
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg". Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!! " I love that !!! Class | |||
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" " lmao ha ha ha ha. | |||
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" " | |||
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"As mum got ready for her bath her inquisitive sibling pointed to her vagina and enquired "whats that mummy?" The mummy was somewhat embarrassed and replied, "thats where your daddy hit me with a knife" Child replied " what a shit!! Right on the cunt! " Sibling? | |||
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"As mum got ready for her bath her inquisitive sibling pointed to her vagina and enquired "whats that mummy?" The mummy was somewhat embarrassed and replied, "thats where your daddy hit me with a knife" Child replied " what a shit!! Right on the cunt! Sibling?" I would have thought that in East Antrim it's quite normal for siblings to be your Mummy! (It's a joke, please don't shoot me!) | |||
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"Binary, simple as 001 010 011" My Linux read that joke and is now breaking its primary drive laughing. | |||
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" " I had a racing snail once. I removed its shell to make it go faster. It didn't work. If anything it made it more sluggish .... | |||
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"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent." Pterrible. | |||
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"what do u call a donkey with three legs.......A wonkey" What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye? A winky wonky. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, one eye, and listens to country music? A honky tonky winky wonky. Red. | |||
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"what do u call a donkey with three legs.......A wonkey What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye? A winky wonky. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, one eye, and listens to country music? A honky tonky winky wonky. Red. " Do you know his cousin, He's always filthy? He's called Manky honky tonky winky wonky... | |||
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"Why don't really old women have sex? Have you ever opened a toasted cheese sandwich..." Aww and I love a good cheese toastie. Or I did. | |||
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"Why don't really old women have sex? Have you ever opened a toasted cheese sandwich..." Pmsl good but very bad | |||
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"my last one..... Mr & Mrs Blobbly are in bed, Mrs Blobbly says "blib blob blobble blub bibble bob bubbly blib". Mr Blobbly says "for fuck sake just swallow it". " This has to be your best one so far As Mrs Blobby would say "keep them cumin" | |||
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"my uncle must have been the worlds worst ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my arse and get me to say nothing" Brilliant!! | |||
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"the yoke of an egg is white or the yoke of an are white....." Lol had 2 read it twice | |||
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"the yoke of an egg is white or the yoke of an are white..... Lol had 2 read it twice " I'm obviously thick. I just can't see it. Clue please? | |||
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"the yoke of an egg is white or the yoke of an are white..... Lol had 2 read it twice I'm obviously thick. I just can't see it. Clue please?" the yoke of an egg is yellow,....lol | |||
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" " PMSL ... thank you | |||
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"What's worse than a dead dog on your piano? ......... ......... An infected pussy on your organ! " Haha brilliant. Gonna rob that one | |||
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"A couple were having a dinner party in their house near the beach. The woman fancied something different so she sent her husband off to collect some snails along the beach. Off he went with his bucket and started collecting them. As he was returning home he bumped into an old flame that he still fancied and they got chatting. She invited him back to hers and they went at it for hours. It was 3 in the morning when he got home and realised he had no key with him. After a few attempts at opening the door he could hear his wife storming down the stairs and she was going to be really angry Just before the door opened he quickly emptied the snails all over the steps and as his wife looked out he looked down at the snails on the ground and said "right lads,come on, we're almost there" " | |||
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" I was asked the other day in a job interview Where do I see myself within the company in. Five years time ???? I replied I Do. Not. Know. Has I have not got. 20 20 vision " next please. | |||
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