FabSwingers.com forum: Christmas humour thread...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza????

Deep pan, crisp & even.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lmao...that's so bad it's good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.

Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A squirrel falls out of the pub d*unk after the nut gatherers Christmas do, 10 mins later he comes back in patting his pockets & slurs to the barman "hash anyone handed in some keys?, I'm locked out of me tree"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Santa's sleigh crash landed in a brothel....as usual he shouts out ho ho ho .... the madam said "you will have to wait about 10 mins for the third cos we're busy"....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/11/14 23:56:49]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is Santa so frustrated?

Because he only cums once a year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why is Santa so frustrated?

Because he only cums once a year."
And when he does its down a chimney

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Liking them

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By *urferniMan
over a year ago

Antrim

"Why is Santa so frustrated?

Because he only cums once a year."

No wonder he's always so happy on Christmas Eve. Ho ho ho - tonight's the night!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What did Adam say on the 24th December??

It's Christmas, Eve...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why is Santy always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live...

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By *em4ejacWoman
over a year ago

Cougarville

Advent Sex Calendar .

One down only 24 more to go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New Christmas carol just for the all the fabbers.

Cum all ye faithful

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"New Christmas carol just for the all the fabbers.

Cum all ye faithful

Sure, that'd only cover half the site

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"New Christmas carol just for the all the fabbers.

Cum all ye faithful

Sure, that'd only cover half the site

Well ye could sing it to the guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Twas the night before Xmas an all thru the house..

The whole same family were as d*unk as a louse. .

Nanny an grandad were singing a song..

An me Bro was in bed flogging his dong. .

Ma home from the cathouse an da outta jail..

They had just settled down for a good piece of tail..

When out on the lawn there was a big clatter..

I jumped outta bed to see what the fuck was the matter..

Away To the window I made a mad dash..

Flew open the shutters An fell on my ass..

But what to my bloodshot eyes did appear..

But a rusty old sleigh an a dozen reindeer. .

And a little old driver holding his dick..

I knew straight away it had to be St nick. .

On dasher on blitzen up over those walls or il cut off yer balls..

On to the chimney he fondered an fell..

An came right down the chimney like a bat outta hell..

He staggered an stumbled on over to the door..

Tripped over his cock an fell on the floor..

And I heard him explain as he rode outta site..

drink up ya all its gonna be one hell of a nite...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rocking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas social meet. Mistletoe hung where you can see, every couple hearts start to beat

Chorus

You will get a horny feeling when you hear voices singing 'Let get naked, Deck the hotel rooms with pairs of takers.

Rocking around the Christmas tree, have a horny holiday. Everyone's dancing sexually, in a new old fab version way.

Rocking around the Christmas tree, let the social fun begin. Later we'll have some creamy pie and we'll do some naughty things.

Chorus.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How did the Turkeys dance at the Christmas party?

Chick to chick...

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A woman from a charity organisation came to the door the other day to ask if we'd have an Ethiopian child for Christmas. I said yes, no problem. We normally have turkey but sure fuck it, it might be nice for a change?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm buying the missus slippers and a dildo for xmas, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

Disclaimer, this is a joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm buying the missus slippers and a dildo for xmas, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

Disclaimer, this is a joke"

ROTFLMFAO

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

"I'm buying the missus slippers and a dildo for xmas, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

Disclaimer, this is a joke

ROTFLMFAO "
my ex done that one yr and I got slippers too .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm buying the missus slippers and a dildo for xmas, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

Disclaimer, this is a joke

ROTFLMFAO my ex done that one yr and I got slippers too ."

I would literally pee myself laughing if that happened

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By *r and Mrs XceptionalCouple
over a year ago

sleepsville

mrs santa look out teh window and says looks like reindeer

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

"I'm buying the missus slippers and a dildo for xmas, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself

Disclaimer, this is a joke

ROTFLMFAO my ex done that one yr and I got slippers too .

I would literally pee myself laughing if that happened "
he did and said if anyone asked him what did u get her for Xmas he said slippers and a vibe if she don't like the slippers she can fuck herself . Thank god no one asked what he got me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet & the regular alphabet?

The Christmas one has Noel...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's the difference between Santa & Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at 3 Ho's...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's goes oh oh oh?

Santa walking backwards

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

pmsl..... excellent best joke so far

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just a warning folks to be careful at Christmas.

I came home from work today and every window in my house was wide open. The house was destroyed and everything inside had been cleared out. On further examination I realised every blood room had been totally emptied!!!

Yip that's the last time I hang the advent calendar where the kids can reach it.

Ho Ho Ho

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Last year my Mother-in-law died on Christmas day....feck knows how hubs is going to top that this year...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Now that's funny. 10 out of 10. Top of the class.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room"

Brrrum Tish!!

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.. Dammit, I knew I should've got one of those carbon monoxide alarms!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.. Dammit, I knew I should've got one of those carbon monoxide alarms!

Took the batteries out of mine last night, it wouldn't stop beeping

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.. Dammit, I knew I should've got one of those carbon monoxide alarms!

Took the batteries out of mine last night, it wouldn't stop beeping

A wise move

sure what's the worst that could happen?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.. Dammit, I knew I should've got one of those carbon monoxide alarms!

Took the batteries out of mine last night, it wouldn't stop beeping

A wise move

sure what's the worst that could happen?

"
I closed the door & opened the window.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Santa was out on the town last night, he pulled a cracker.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What is E.T. short for??

Because he has little legs.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

I have a Christmas present for my daughter in the attic. I'll pass it up to her on Christmas day.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

The Liverpool football team will be visiting a children's hospital on Christmas day this year.

"it'll be nice to bring a bit of cheer to people who are much worse off than us and are facing a long uphill struggle", said Gary Johnson, aged 6.

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By *inky Bi TrioCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,

The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,

Fuckin' slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.

And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down through the chimney he came with a crash.

His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some cathouse," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for awhile."

He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a black leather whip,

Next were some X-rated video clips.

A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,

And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And boxes of goodies I won't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,

If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.

He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,

"Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch "

The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,

And he let out a belch as they took to the air,

Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,

He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free..

"I'm comin' home, woman " he sang with a smirk,

"So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt "

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

2 snowmen in a field, one says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

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By *S74Man
over a year ago

Dublin

What goes in hard and come out soft, wet and sticky?

A chewing gum!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's Miley Cyrus having for Christmas dinner....

Twerky.

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By *ndrew1972Man
over a year ago

Roscrea

Many years ago in the North Pole Santa was having a very bad Christmas Eve. The elves had decided to go on strike & no more toys were been made. The sleigh hadn't been serviced & was all rusty. The reindeer had managed to escape & had vanished into the night. Mrs Claus was giving Santa an ear bashing because he hadn't put the Christmas lights up. "Sod it all" he said, "I'm staying in front of the telly tonight" As he sat down he realised the fire wasn't lit, there was no firewood in & the telly was on the blink. "Crap" he said "this night couldn't get any worse" Just then the doorbell rang, he stormed over, ripped it open & bellowed "WHAT" Then he saw a little fairy with a Christmas tree. "Hello Santa" said the fairy, "I've brought your Christmas tree, where would you like me to stick it"..... and so the tradition of a fairy on top of the tree began!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Mr69: what's a mathematician's favourite Christmas snack?

A Mince Pi.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Tampax have just launched their new tampon with bells and tinsel attached. It's for the Christmas period

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

The Korean Canine Society have just launched their festive campaign "A dog is not just for Christmas! It should do the following day's dinner as well!"

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

How did Dr Dre know what gift Eminen had got him for Christmas before he opened it?

Eminem is rubbish at wrapping

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why did the turkey get asked to join the band?

He was the one with the drumsticks.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Why did the turkey get asked to join the band?

He was the one with the drumsticks.

Badoom, tsshhh, literally

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's the best way to cure erectile dysfunction this Christmas?

Get a hotter girlfriend...

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By *ysteryman2009Man
over a year ago

Ireland

Whats the difference between Mrs Snowman and Mr Snowman .... Snow balls ....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why did the Orange take a prune to the Christmas party?

'Cos he couldn't find a date.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Farmers Daughter: mum how long can you keep a turkey in the freezer?

Farmers Wife: at least 3 months dear. Why do you ask?

Farmers Daughter: Dad put ours in the freezer on Christmas Eve but when he took it out on Christmas morning it was dead.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Who brings Christmas presents to baby sharks??

Santa Jaws...

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By *ysteryman2009Man
over a year ago

Ireland

Why is their a knob on the end of a mans penis .... so his hand does not slip off

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Which girl "band" has the cheapest selection of Christmas food...?

Lidl mix.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What are Take That going to be missing from their stockings this year?

An Orange.

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By *unsterStagMan
over a year ago

Limerick

A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says - Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas. Santa writes back, Dear Timmy send me me your mommy!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How did Mary & Joe know the baby Jesus was 7lb 6oz?

They had a weigh in a manger...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ran screaming from Dundrum shopping centre yesterday when I saw their Santa's grotto...

Turns out I've got Claus-trophobia.

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