FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to Ireland

Dilema

Jump to newest
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So I know well by know there are people on here without consent of partners and everyone to their own , not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality but I've found that a friends partner of a good few years has been on here and been quiet successful in meets etc since recognising and confronting him nearly a year ago now he has left the site for a few months but now has returned again and has had recent meets again. My head is torn between whether to tell my friend or not. I have confronted him again and expressed my dilema. I'm obviously after encouraging him to own up himself and going to give him time to do the right thing. But I'm still torn about if he doesn't confess whether I should tell her or not.

Although I am quiet discrete about who knows about my swinging lifestyle the fact I'd have to explain how I know about his antics doesn't and relieve my own antics to her isn't really a problem. But I'm not to find of the idea of being the reason a relationship is destroyed.

Not going to name anyone but was hoping for views and opinions and maybe advice about what to do , if you don't want to post her feel free to pm me.

Thanks

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *aid backMan
over a year ago

by a lake with my rod out

put yourself in her shoes would you like to know what's going on? and also be prepared for the friendship to end too as he will tell her that you knew before and didnt tell her.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear your woes. Hmmmm? I don't envy your position & have never been in this situation myself, my first thought was you should tell her/him as if it was my friend I would expect them to tell me. But that's in vanilla world, if your friend doesn't know about your swinging that's a whole different ball game.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm aware of all that and I know myself I'd wana know. But is everyone of that opinion? I guess I just wana see other views besides this side of it. I want to do what's best for her. Not what's best for him or for our friendship as I know myself how much it's going to hurt her

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm aware of all that and I know myself I'd wana know. But is everyone of that opinion? I guess I just wana see other views besides this side of it. I want to do what's best for her. Not what's best for him or for our friendship as I know myself how much it's going to hurt her "

Then you need to tell her.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sorry to hear your woes. Hmmmm? I don't envy your position & have never been in this situation myself, my first thought was you should tell her/him as if it was my friend I would expect them to tell me. But that's in vanilla world, if your friend doesn't know about your swinging that's a whole different ball game. "

As I said I'm not too worried about the implications for me if I tell her I just want to do what's best for her. I know I'd prefer to hear it from my partner even if a friend did know as I might forgive but if a friend told me there would be way less of a chance of that happening. But how long do I give him? There's never a right time

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I made the mistake once to tell my best friend that her boyfriend at the time was sleeping around. He turned it all around and said that I'm lying because I came onto him and he said no.... she was madly in love with him and it took almost 3 years for her to talk to me again. Still, after almost 20 years it's a subject I was never able to bring up with her and our friendship was never the same again.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sorry to hear your woes. Hmmmm? I don't envy your position & have never been in this situation myself, my first thought was you should tell her/him as if it was my friend I would expect them to tell me. But that's in vanilla world, if your friend doesn't know about your swinging that's a whole different ball game.

As I said I'm not too worried about the implications for me if I tell her I just want to do what's best for her. I know I'd prefer to hear it from my partner even if a friend did know as I might forgive but if a friend told me there would be way less of a chance of that happening. But how long do I give him? There's never a right time "

Time's up.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do you want to tell at all?

It is their business and no good will come of the situation either way.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hmmmm a hard one to be in i think but if it was me i would tell her i think at the end of the day u gave him a chance and again he ended up on hereso he doesnt really care all that much i think ur mate deserves better than that i think.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I made the mistake once to tell my best friend that her boyfriend at the time was sleeping around. He turned it all around and said that I'm lying because I came onto him and he said no.... she was madly in love with him and it took almost 3 years for her to talk to me again. Still, after almost 20 years it's a subject I was never able to bring up with her and our friendship was never the same again. "

I've the conversation on my phone confronting him etc so not worried about that

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know she doesn't know he's on here?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I made the mistake once to tell my best friend that her boyfriend at the time was sleeping around. He turned it all around and said that I'm lying because I came onto him and he said no.... she was madly in love with him and it took almost 3 years for her to talk to me again. Still, after almost 20 years it's a subject I was never able to bring up with her and our friendship was never the same again. "

Something similar happened to friend of mine. Hubby lied about who came onto who, and the girls don't talk at all now. She believed her husband. So I'd be careful about getting involved

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *hillMan
over a year ago

cobh

Stones and being in glass houses come to mind..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it... "

No situations are different I know that. People have good reason re being pleasured etc as years go on but they are young and as he said the only reason he does it is because this place is like a drug to him, no mention of needs not being met or what not. So in my view he's being a bit of a douche bag having a perfectly good cake but still wanting fatty donuts

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

say fk all, and stay well out of it would be my tuppence worth on the subject

when the stuff hits the fan, your the one who will come out worst in it all from both sides

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"How do you know she doesn't know he's on here?"

Because he told me

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"say fk all, and stay well out of it would be my tuppence worth on the subject

when the stuff hits the fan, your the one who will come out worst in it all from both sides

"

I know it's going to have consequences for me but that's not going to be a good enough reason for me not to tell that would be making this about me and it's not it's about doing what's right for her

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there kids involved in this relationship

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it...

No situations are different I know that. People have good reason re being pleasured etc as years go on but they are young and as he said the only reason he does it is because this place is like a drug to him, no mention of needs not being met or what not. So in my view he's being a bit of a douche bag having a perfectly good cake but still wanting fatty donuts "

there may be more to it then he said... I doubt he would have told you if your friend didn't enjoy sex etc...

If she's a really good friend, just chat to her and get the feelers outs, talk about sex, cheating etc. Maybe she knows... Personally, looking back, I wouldn't tell my friend again. I probably would try and give her hints but that's all.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Is there kids involved in this relationship"

No kids

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it...

No situations are different I know that. People have good reason re being pleasured etc as years go on but they are young and as he said the only reason he does it is because this place is like a drug to him, no mention of needs not being met or what not. So in my view he's being a bit of a douche bag having a perfectly good cake but still wanting fatty donuts

there may be more to it then he said... I doubt he would have told you if your friend didn't enjoy sex etc...

If she's a really good friend, just chat to her and get the feelers outs, talk about sex, cheating etc. Maybe she knows... Personally, looking back, I wouldn't tell my friend again. I probably would try and give her hints but that's all.

"

that sounds like good advice

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Something similar happened to friend of mine. Hubby lied about who came onto who, and the girls don't talk at all now. She believed her husband. So I'd be careful about getting involved "

That's a fair point but tbh, I'd be glad to be rid if that's how she reacted.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it...

No situations are different I know that. People have good reason re being pleasured etc as years go on but they are young and as he said the only reason he does it is because this place is like a drug to him, no mention of needs not being met or what not. So in my view he's being a bit of a douche bag having a perfectly good cake but still wanting fatty donuts "

Understandingly this place is very liberating,but he's not exactly having a affair with the babysitter her sister or best friend,at the end of the day your the one who may come out worst for wear

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *razy-CplCouple
over a year ago

and surrounding areas


"So I know well by know there are people on here without consent of partners and everyone to their own , not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality but I've found that a friends partner of a good few years has been on here and been quiet successful in meets etc since recognising and confronting him nearly a year ago now he has left the site for a few months but now has returned again and has had recent meets again. My head is torn between whether to tell my friend or not. I have confronted him again and expressed my dilema. I'm obviously after encouraging him to own up himself and going to give him time to do the right thing. But I'm still torn about if he doesn't confess whether I should tell her or not.

Although I am quiet discrete about who knows about my swinging lifestyle the fact I'd have to explain how I know about his antics doesn't and relieve my own antics to her isn't really a problem. But I'm not to find of the idea of being the reason a relationship is destroyed.

Not going to name anyone but was hoping for views and opinions and maybe advice about what to do , if you don't want to post her feel free to pm me.

Thanks "

if ur a good friend think u should tell her, as we know someone who told her friend her partner was cheating and there the best of friends, so it depends on the relationship u have with ur friend,she was glad her friend told her, but be prepared as u will never know how ur friend is going to react

crazy cpl

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oughandCurvyCouple
over a year ago

galway


"say fk all, and stay well out of it would be my tuppence worth on the subject

when the stuff hits the fan, your the one who will come out worst in it all from both sides

"

I'm with you on this one!

I made the mistake of telling a friend that her bf was cheating, not even by choice she asked me out right and I told her the truth. Long story short they settled their differences and neither spoke to me again!

I'd stay clear!

Mrs. Curvy

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *at-cWoman
over a year ago

Ballyshannon

She's going to have to explain to people why they broke up, is she going to say 'My friend (your name) is on the same swing site as him and spotted him'? If so who will she be telling this information. While you're okay with her knowing about you, are you okay with her having discretion about who she tells?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She's going to have to explain to people why they broke up, is she going to say 'My friend (your name) is on the same swing site as him and spotted him'? If so who will she be telling this information. While you're okay with her knowing about you, are you okay with her having discretion about who she tells? "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *idandnancy69Couple
over a year ago

carrickfergus


"She's going to have to explain to people why they broke up, is she going to say 'My friend (your name) is on the same swing site as him and spotted him'? If so who will she be telling this information. While you're okay with her knowing about you, are you okay with her having discretion about who she tells? "

I'd be bricking it incase all the details came out in the wash

Nancy

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thought this site was for swingers and not self appointed judges and jurys who can never know the many reasons why a person is on this site. I reckon it is none of your business and no good can come to anyone by you getting involved and telling his partner. Don't even think of telling her.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stay out of it

Xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thought this site was for swingers and not self appointed judges and jurys who can never know the many reasons why a person is on this site. I reckon it is none of your business and no good can come to anyone by you getting involved and telling his partner. Don't even think of telling her. "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friends fella is here and i wouldnt even dream of opening my mouth... none of my business if they cheating.. i know im doing nothing wrong cause im single.. im not saying i agree with what they doing but im staying well out of it.. i would never tell anyone. Discretion is the key to swinging... not like you are going meeting them..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *s. AppletreeWoman
over a year ago

curtain twitching sleepy village


"Stay out of it

Xx

"

completely...tis none of your busy unless she is your sister, mother or daughter

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thought this site was for swingers and not self appointed judges and jurys who can never know the many reasons why a person is on this site. I reckon it is none of your business and no good can come to anyone by you getting involved and telling his partner. Don't even think of telling her. "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks everyone for yer advice. Happy swinging x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thought this site was for swingers and not self appointed judges and jurys who can never know the many reasons why a person is on this site. I reckon it is none of your business and no good can come to anyone by you getting involved and telling his partner. Don't even think of telling her. "

I wasn't judging anyone. I was looking for advice as it was beating me up what to do since she was a friend. Hadn't happened before. Vanilla world morals.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met a friends other half at a meet and greet a while back. They were on their own without the other friend knowing. It put me in a difficult position but I firm believer in what happens on the swing scene stays on the swing scene regardless who it is you come across (no pun intended). You never know the other side of the coin and would you want your discretion compromised by another person on the site without them knowing the full story?

I also considered what other swingers would think of me for not being discreet if I had of told the friend and possibly compromising people who had been with the person I met at the meet. Sometimes it just makes more sense to turn a blind eye and say nothing.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *arky90Couple
over a year ago

Killarney

You probably best staying out of it.....you never know what kind of can of worms you may open by telling your friend.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *o pants partyCouple
over a year ago

Dublin


"not judging anyone or questioning any bodies loyality????

That's exactly what you have done regarding your friends partner,nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,if I were you I'd keep out of it... "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

follow your heart. there are no good choices in these situations. as long as you are happy to look at yourself in the miror, you are doing the right thing.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple"

seriously man? that is your advise?

swinging is not about just fucking...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *o pants partyCouple
over a year ago

Dublin


"If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple

seriously man? that is your advise?

swinging is not about just fucking...

"

Then what is it about? ????

That is exactly what swinging is about !@!!!!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple

seriously man? that is your advise?

swinging is not about just fucking...

Then what is it about? ????

That is exactly what swinging is about !@!!!!!"

If it was just about fucking, people would play with anybody...

It is about fantasy realisation and desires realisation, however not at any cost. It is not just about fucking, it is about the right fucking with the right people.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *o pants partyCouple
over a year ago

Dublin


"If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple

seriously man? that is your advise?

swinging is not about just fucking...

Then what is it about? ????

That is exactly what swinging is about !@!!!!!

If it was just about fucking, people would play with anybody...

It is about fantasy realisation and desires realisation, however not at any cost. It is not just about fucking, it is about the right fucking with the right people."

I agree but at the end of the day is still fucking no matter what way you look at it. ......

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ickirishallsortsMan
over a year ago

Lickie Manor

I’ve not been through the same thing but i have had experience with a friend who was playing offside and was seeing a girl...

Truth is you really dont know if she knows already deep down and just wants to ignore it.

A lot of people have COPE relationships, where they ignore things going on around the family so they can appear to be happily perfect.

Your caught between a rock and a hard place, your right its not your place to say, but just thinking about her in this situation shows what a nice person you are. Above everything thats been said on this tread, this dilema says more about you than anyone other stakeholder, you should stand back and take a bow, you asked for advice, you want to do the right thing, there are not many people like you in this world.

Stand back and take a bow.

Obvious suggestion that you could do is first of all talk it through with your friends partner, explain you want to have no involvement between them and you want to get it sorted because it is causing you stress in your own life. You did this. Kudos to you. It’s come back, you are now being stressed agiain because of his behaviour.

If your friends partner agree's to it then call him up or ask him round. Sit down and talk about it and make it clear to him you do not have any intetion of having an arguement and that now is the time if he wishes to come out, then he should at least have the decency to consult his partner about it so she still have a choice on whether or not to leave him and start a fresh whilst she can.

Now some people can happily keep a secret of knowing all along and not telling the people involved but others can’t so if you are the latter then just invite her around for a coffee, (if he tells her) and tell her out right you knew but it was neither yours or your partners place to say and that is why you encouraged her partner to tell her himself.

You have to expect the worst and hope for the best in this situation, expect she will get angry for not telling her earlier, but hope she will understands.

Betrayal. Seeing red. Unforgivable. Unbelievable. These are words people often use to describe when they find out friends knew their spouse was having an affair.

But there’s often another element of upset that hurts as much as the affair it self — the cover-up. The cover-up occurs when friends know about an affair and fib for their friend as they lie and sneak around.

Which brings us to the question of the moment - This is the big elephant in the room!

Would you help cover up an affair for your female friend? Consider for a moment your girl friend was having the affair on this guy, what would you do then, would you protect her?

When I was in my early twenties, I was out with friends and saw my best friend, who was a husband out in a group. I noticed his reflection in the mirror over a bar and knew that something was going on.

He usually seemed annoyed or bored at family gatherings, but this night he looked happy; charming even. I turned and saw him sitting at a table of people… but all of his attention was going to the lady to his right. They weren’t kissing or even touching, but I knew instantly that what I was seeing spelled trouble for my friends partner and her family.

The next day I confided in my father about the incident and asked what I should do. “Don’t say anything,” was his response. I was relieved and confused at the same time. “But Dad, I think he may be having an affair.”

My Dad’s response was that he might indeed be having an affair — but marriage was complicated and since I wasn’t sure of what I had seen, I should just keep it to myself.

That was almost 10 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Was my friend having an affair? Yes; and it ended a marriage. He married the woman I saw him with at the table that night, and is still married to her today. While I never said anything about what I saw, I know by staying out of it, I made the right choice.

The pain of finding out your friend’s partner has had an affair is inconceivable. Even research shows that fidelity is still one of the most sacred aspects of marriage, and according to most studies most people who have affairs report being happy in their marriage.

My fathers wisedom and age, and expierience of life, (he was 60 and my frined was 25 set the tone, my father was more expierienced on earth than I was and so I defered to his position and expierience).

I was interested in finding out what people thought: could you be friends with someone who participated in infidelity, or worse, could you help to cover it up?

So I too asked around. I asked single people and married people. I asked people who were married for a few months and people who had been married for decades. I asked people who had affairs and people whose spouses were unfaithful.

There was a temendous difference in opionion based on a life of expierience.

While some of the people I asked said an affair wouldn’t necessarily end their marriage (more so in the couples who had been married a long time) I could not find one person who would be comfortable being friends with someone who had known about an affair.

One person said, “I’ve a different level of responsibility to try to work things out with my husband, however I don’t have a responsibility to work something out with a friend. If one of my friends knew my husband was having an affair and didn’t tell me, I’d be fine never talking to that person again.”

Others shared different views, for example I have a client, who had an affair after 15 years of marriage. She isn’t proud of the affair but in a weird way it did improve their relationship. “Things had been so bad between the two of us for so long, I just wanted to feel something again. I was really naïve when someone started to pursue me. It felt like I had been walking in the desert for a long time and someone was offering me a glass of water. I wish I had thought of the long-term consequences to my marriage. It took us a long time to rebuild, but we did it. While I’m really proud of the marriage we have now, I wish we could have gotten there a different way.”

People often have affairs because they imagine that the liaison will give them something that they are not receiving in their relationship.

Being attracted to someone else can be a good thing… when you use that as motivation to improve your relationship. It can reconnect you to something you and your partner no longer share. If you find yourself the confidant, you will most likely assume your friend feels that he or she doesn’t have the energy or resources to fix their relationship – so what is the harm in having a little fun?

While it will take a lot to fix the relationship, the reality is the energy they will expend dealing with the fallout of an affair is far bigger than they can even imagine.

What is a friend to do when they find out about a dalliance or infidelity? There is no clear cut answer, though most agree that they don’t even want to get involved in the first place.

Everyone must decide for themselves, and much of your decision will depend on your own set of values.

One thing I would recommend; think through the consequences of covering for your friend’s partner.

It is a slippery slope from finding out about the affair to being part of the cover-up. Decide what works for you, and let your friend know your limits as you work to ameliorate the situation.

Do your best to help your friend keep some degree of clarity in this process. If you find yourself living vicariously through your friend’s affair, look at your own relationship and do something about it before it becomes its own casualty of an affair.

Ask yourself the obvious question:- If it was your female friend having the affair, would you cover for her. If so then your values are based on priority. You are fluctuating, your values are a moving target. If this is the case then stay out of it becuase your not yet ready to process the complexity of the situation.

In short when I was 20, I would have taken one particular path, when I was 30 I would have taken a differnet route, now at 40 I know I would have done it altoghter differnet, who knows what I would do at 50, I will defer to my fathers wise perspective.

What I am saying is, take a step back, your under no time constraints, sit back, think, use all the time you need. But ultimately ask yourself if this is really your problem.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ecretly seductiveWoman
over a year ago

Palookaville


"I’ve not been through the same thing but i have had experience with a friend who was playing offside and was seeing a girl...

Truth is you really dont know if she knows already deep down and just wants to ignore it.

A lot of people have COPE relationships, where they ignore things going on around the family so they can appear to be happily perfect.

Your caught between a rock and a hard place, your right its not your place to say, but just thinking about her in this situation shows what a nice person you are. Above everything thats been said on this tread, this dilema says more about you than anyone other stakeholder, you should stand back and take a bow, you asked for advice, you want to do the right thing, there are not many people like you in this world.

Stand back and take a bow.

Obvious suggestion that you could do is first of all talk it through with your friends partner, explain you want to have no involvement between them and you want to get it sorted because it is causing you stress in your own life. You did this. Kudos to you. It’s come back, you are now being stressed agiain because of his behaviour.

If your friends partner agree's to it then call him up or ask him round. Sit down and talk about it and make it clear to him you do not have any intetion of having an arguement and that now is the time if he wishes to come out, then he should at least have the decency to consult his partner about it so she still have a choice on whether or not to leave him and start a fresh whilst she can.

Now some people can happily keep a secret of knowing all along and not telling the people involved but others can’t so if you are the latter then just invite her around for a coffee, (if he tells her) and tell her out right you knew but it was neither yours or your partners place to say and that is why you encouraged her partner to tell her himself.

You have to expect the worst and hope for the best in this situation, expect she will get angry for not telling her earlier, but hope she will understands.

Betrayal. Seeing red. Unforgivable. Unbelievable. These are words people often use to describe when they find out friends knew their spouse was having an affair.

But there’s often another element of upset that hurts as much as the affair it self — the cover-up. The cover-up occurs when friends know about an affair and fib for their friend as they lie and sneak around.

Which brings us to the question of the moment - This is the big elephant in the room!

Would you help cover up an affair for your female friend? Consider for a moment your girl friend was having the affair on this guy, what would you do then, would you protect her?

When I was in my early twenties, I was out with friends and saw my best friend, who was a husband out in a group. I noticed his reflection in the mirror over a bar and knew that something was going on.

He usually seemed annoyed or bored at family gatherings, but this night he looked happy; charming even. I turned and saw him sitting at a table of people… but all of his attention was going to the lady to his right. They weren’t kissing or even touching, but I knew instantly that what I was seeing spelled trouble for my friends partner and her family.

The next day I confided in my father about the incident and asked what I should do. “Don’t say anything,” was his response. I was relieved and confused at the same time. “But Dad, I think he may be having an affair.”

My Dad’s response was that he might indeed be having an affair — but marriage was complicated and since I wasn’t sure of what I had seen, I should just keep it to myself.

That was almost 10 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Was my friend having an affair? Yes; and it ended a marriage. He married the woman I saw him with at the table that night, and is still married to her today. While I never said anything about what I saw, I know by staying out of it, I made the right choice.

The pain of finding out your friend’s partner has had an affair is inconceivable. Even research shows that fidelity is still one of the most sacred aspects of marriage, and according to most studies most people who have affairs report being happy in their marriage.

My fathers wisedom and age, and expierience of life, (he was 60 and my frined was 25 set the tone, my father was more expierienced on earth than I was and so I defered to his position and expierience).

I was interested in finding out what people thought: could you be friends with someone who participated in infidelity, or worse, could you help to cover it up?

So I too asked around. I asked single people and married people. I asked people who were married for a few months and people who had been married for decades. I asked people who had affairs and people whose spouses were unfaithful.

There was a temendous difference in opionion based on a life of expierience.

While some of the people I asked said an affair wouldn’t necessarily end their marriage (more so in the couples who had been married a long time) I could not find one person who would be comfortable being friends with someone who had known about an affair.

One person said, “I’ve a different level of responsibility to try to work things out with my husband, however I don’t have a responsibility to work something out with a friend. If one of my friends knew my husband was having an affair and didn’t tell me, I’d be fine never talking to that person again.”

Others shared different views, for example I have a client, who had an affair after 15 years of marriage. She isn’t proud of the affair but in a weird way it did improve their relationship. “Things had been so bad between the two of us for so long, I just wanted to feel something again. I was really naïve when someone started to pursue me. It felt like I had been walking in the desert for a long time and someone was offering me a glass of water. I wish I had thought of the long-term consequences to my marriage. It took us a long time to rebuild, but we did it. While I’m really proud of the marriage we have now, I wish we could have gotten there a different way.”

People often have affairs because they imagine that the liaison will give them something that they are not receiving in their relationship.

Being attracted to someone else can be a good thing… when you use that as motivation to improve your relationship. It can reconnect you to something you and your partner no longer share. If you find yourself the confidant, you will most likely assume your friend feels that he or she doesn’t have the energy or resources to fix their relationship – so what is the harm in having a little fun?

While it will take a lot to fix the relationship, the reality is the energy they will expend dealing with the fallout of an affair is far bigger than they can even imagine.

What is a friend to do when they find out about a dalliance or infidelity? There is no clear cut answer, though most agree that they don’t even want to get involved in the first place.

Everyone must decide for themselves, and much of your decision will depend on your own set of values.

One thing I would recommend; think through the consequences of covering for your friend’s partner.

It is a slippery slope from finding out about the affair to being part of the cover-up. Decide what works for you, and let your friend know your limits as you work to ameliorate the situation.

Do your best to help your friend keep some degree of clarity in this process. If you find yourself living vicariously through your friend’s affair, look at your own relationship and do something about it before it becomes its own casualty of an affair.

Ask yourself the obvious question:- If it was your female friend having the affair, would you cover for her. If so then your values are based on priority. You are fluctuating, your values are a moving target. If this is the case then stay out of it becuase your not yet ready to process the complexity of the situation.

In short when I was 20, I would have taken one particular path, when I was 30 I would have taken a differnet route, now at 40 I know I would have done it altoghter differnet, who knows what I would do at 50, I will defer to my fathers wise perspective.

What I am saying is, take a step back, your under no time constraints, sit back, think, use all the time you need. But ultimately ask yourself if this is really your problem. "

well thought out and mr lick.... and I mostly agree. I have seen this happen many times and many times the friend who was trying to protect her friend from hurt by telling her ends up the bad guy. ....I would stay away personally ... It's not your battle and you don't know all the circumstances

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *at-cWoman
over a year ago

Ballyshannon

Regardless of the moral issue with hiding it from your friend - you are talking about letting a non-swing person know you are a swinger, that you use the same playground as her partner, it would be hard to expect her to view it rationally and differentiate clearly between you, is he a dirty f&*(%$ for using this site and if so are you? As said take time to consider it, but, from my own experience, once you have confided in a friend about doing this, it's painful the amount of times you sit and dearly wish you could take it back and make it a secret again. My advice to anyone considering revealing this side of them - what you don't say can't be repeated!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *obbie65Man
over a year ago

kildare

Who's knows what is going on in another's marriage. This is a parallel universe here and I reckon it's a case of "honour amongst thieves".

Fab world and real life should not mix.

She may well be enjoying the life they have together.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *rishpleasureMan
over a year ago

about

Seems to me most on here advising you to butt out are more worried about the concept of one Fab member shopping in another rather than the specific issue. Only you know your friends and what the likely outcome may be. Once you realise that you too may be hurt , if your friendship is strong than have you really any other option but to speak up....

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’ve not been through the same thing but i have had experience with a friend who was playing offside and was seeing a girl...

Truth is you really dont know if she knows already deep down and just wants to ignore it.

A lot of people have COPE relationships, where they ignore things going on around the family so they can appear to be happily perfect.

Your caught between a rock and a hard place, your right its not your place to say, but just thinking about her in this situation shows what a nice person you are. Above everything thats been said on this tread, this dilema says more about you than anyone other stakeholder, you should stand back and take a bow, you asked for advice, you want to do the right thing, there are not many people like you in this world.

Stand back and take a bow.

Obvious suggestion that you could do is first of all talk it through with your friends partner, explain you want to have no involvement between them and you want to get it sorted because it is causing you stress in your own life. You did this. Kudos to you. It’s come back, you are now being stressed agiain because of his behaviour.

If your friends partner agree's to it then call him up or ask him round. Sit down and talk about it and make it clear to him you do not have any intetion of having an arguement and that now is the time if he wishes to come out, then he should at least have the decency to consult his partner about it so she still have a choice on whether or not to leave him and start a fresh whilst she can.

Now some people can happily keep a secret of knowing all along and not telling the people involved but others can’t so if you are the latter then just invite her around for a coffee, (if he tells her) and tell her out right you knew but it was neither yours or your partners place to say and that is why you encouraged her partner to tell her himself.

You have to expect the worst and hope for the best in this situation, expect she will get angry for not telling her earlier, but hope she will understands.

Betrayal. Seeing red. Unforgivable. Unbelievable. These are words people often use to describe when they find out friends knew their spouse was having an affair.

But there’s often another element of upset that hurts as much as the affair it self — the cover-up. The cover-up occurs when friends know about an affair and fib for their friend as they lie and sneak around.

Which brings us to the question of the moment - This is the big elephant in the room!

Would you help cover up an affair for your female friend? Consider for a moment your girl friend was having the affair on this guy, what would you do then, would you protect her?

When I was in my early twenties, I was out with friends and saw my best friend, who was a husband out in a group. I noticed his reflection in the mirror over a bar and knew that something was going on.

He usually seemed annoyed or bored at family gatherings, but this night he looked happy; charming even. I turned and saw him sitting at a table of people… but all of his attention was going to the lady to his right. They weren’t kissing or even touching, but I knew instantly that what I was seeing spelled trouble for my friends partner and her family.

The next day I confided in my father about the incident and asked what I should do. “Don’t say anything,” was his response. I was relieved and confused at the same time. “But Dad, I think he may be having an affair.”

My Dad’s response was that he might indeed be having an affair — but marriage was complicated and since I wasn’t sure of what I had seen, I should just keep it to myself.

That was almost 10 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Was my friend having an affair? Yes; and it ended a marriage. He married the woman I saw him with at the table that night, and is still married to her today. While I never said anything about what I saw, I know by staying out of it, I made the right choice.

The pain of finding out your friend’s partner has had an affair is inconceivable. Even research shows that fidelity is still one of the most sacred aspects of marriage, and according to most studies most people who have affairs report being happy in their marriage.

My fathers wisedom and age, and expierience of life, (he was 60 and my frined was 25 set the tone, my father was more expierienced on earth than I was and so I defered to his position and expierience).

I was interested in finding out what people thought: could you be friends with someone who participated in infidelity, or worse, could you help to cover it up?

So I too asked around. I asked single people and married people. I asked people who were married for a few months and people who had been married for decades. I asked people who had affairs and people whose spouses were unfaithful.

There was a temendous difference in opionion based on a life of expierience.

While some of the people I asked said an affair wouldn’t necessarily end their marriage (more so in the couples who had been married a long time) I could not find one person who would be comfortable being friends with someone who had known about an affair.

One person said, “I’ve a different level of responsibility to try to work things out with my husband, however I don’t have a responsibility to work something out with a friend. If one of my friends knew my husband was having an affair and didn’t tell me, I’d be fine never talking to that person again.”

Others shared different views, for example I have a client, who had an affair after 15 years of marriage. She isn’t proud of the affair but in a weird way it did improve their relationship. “Things had been so bad between the two of us for so long, I just wanted to feel something again. I was really naïve when someone started to pursue me. It felt like I had been walking in the desert for a long time and someone was offering me a glass of water. I wish I had thought of the long-term consequences to my marriage. It took us a long time to rebuild, but we did it. While I’m really proud of the marriage we have now, I wish we could have gotten there a different way.”

People often have affairs because they imagine that the liaison will give them something that they are not receiving in their relationship.

Being attracted to someone else can be a good thing… when you use that as motivation to improve your relationship. It can reconnect you to something you and your partner no longer share. If you find yourself the confidant, you will most likely assume your friend feels that he or she doesn’t have the energy or resources to fix their relationship – so what is the harm in having a little fun?

While it will take a lot to fix the relationship, the reality is the energy they will expend dealing with the fallout of an affair is far bigger than they can even imagine.

What is a friend to do when they find out about a dalliance or infidelity? There is no clear cut answer, though most agree that they don’t even want to get involved in the first place.

Everyone must decide for themselves, and much of your decision will depend on your own set of values.

One thing I would recommend; think through the consequences of covering for your friend’s partner.

It is a slippery slope from finding out about the affair to being part of the cover-up. Decide what works for you, and let your friend know your limits as you work to ameliorate the situation.

Do your best to help your friend keep some degree of clarity in this process. If you find yourself living vicariously through your friend’s affair, look at your own relationship and do something about it before it becomes its own casualty of an affair.

Ask yourself the obvious question:- If it was your female friend having the affair, would you cover for her. If so then your values are based on priority. You are fluctuating, your values are a moving target. If this is the case then stay out of it becuase your not yet ready to process the complexity of the situation.

In short when I was 20, I would have taken one particular path, when I was 30 I would have taken a differnet route, now at 40 I know I would have done it altoghter differnet, who knows what I would do at 50, I will defer to my fathers wise perspective.

What I am saying is, take a step back, your under no time constraints, sit back, think, use all the time you need. But ultimately ask yourself if this is really your problem. "

Holy mother ha thanks for that sound

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If i were you id use him as a fb and swing on here together as a couple

seriously man? that is your advise?

swinging is not about just fucking...

Then what is it about? ????

That is exactly what swinging is about !@!!!!!

If it was just about fucking, people would play with anybody...

It is about fantasy realisation and desires realisation, however not at any cost. It is not just about fucking, it is about the right fucking with the right people."

Well said handsome. No click no dick ha see you soon xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it was me I would want to know the truth and if I found out people I cared about knew and I didn't I would be raging, reading some of the above answers really depressed me. I guess there is no right or wrong answer to your question, it is what you feel is the right thing to do and how close you are to your friend.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

fkn hell, I think that was THE longest reply ever made on the forums !!!!

I read that on a pc, but if someone had read it on a phone, fk me... that would have been some scroll down lol !!!!!

soreeeeee scrolling finger

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"fkn hell, I think that was THE longest reply ever made on the forums !!!!

I read that on a pc, but if someone had read it on a phone, fk me... that would have been some scroll down lol !!!!!

soreeeeee scrolling finger "

No 1 prize for longest post ever goes to lickirish

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eecCouple
over a year ago

Swords

[Removed by poster at 13/11/14 18:26:40]

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow user no longer on site.. things must not have went too well for the poor lady that posted here...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Or she decided to create a new profile so that guy won't find it and can't show it to people

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *olinn3000Man
over a year ago

Carlow

In my opinion you should stay out of it!

After all you are on the site...each to his own and all that

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top