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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Pierre, the French fighter pilot(hold the chuckles, this ain’t the entire joke) and his girlfriend

are out on a leisurely picnic enjoying fine Parisian cheeses and wines when caught up in the moment Pierre’s girlfriend murmurs,

“Kiss me Pierre.”

He pulls a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon out of the picnic basket and proceeds to pour it across her face then passionately kiss her.

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with red meat I like red wine.”

Stirred by the intimate turn the picnic is taking, she slips the top of her dress over her shoulders and says in a seductive tone,

“Kiss me lower Pierre.”

Pierre responds by pulling a moderately aged Pinot Griggio from the picnic basket and pours it across her supple breasts then licking and kissing them clean. Aroused now Pierre’s girlfriend asks once more

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with white meat I like white wine.”

Pierre’s girlfriend then removes the rest of her dress and stands before him and gestures none too subtlely at her woman parts

“Kiss me lower Pierre!”

He responds by pulling a bottle of aged cognac from the basket, pouring it on her crotch and lighting it on fire. Horrified she puts the fire out and screams,

“Pierre, what did you do that for?!”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

In the days just before the final judgement, Satan decides to be lienient on the next three Humans to fall. And chooses to test them for a return to Life.

The first guy: An alcoholic, who in his gluttonous state, drank himself to death. Was given the option to spend 100 years in a locked room with only the best Beverages ever known. He Gladly accepted and was locked away.

The second guy: An Adulterer, Died of a heartattack while cheating on his wife, took the option of 100 years in a room with the most beautiful women to have ever lived. He, as well, accepted the offer. In turn was lock away.

The Third: Your Hippy next door. The First ever known, Marijuana overdose, was given 100 years In the largest field of the Greatest strains of ever created. Like the others, he is happier than a pig in shit, and is locked away.

100 years later:

Guy 1: The Alchoholic, Is released and stumbles out of the room Fat, Bloated, disgusting, And with a 100 year hang over. “I swear, I’ll never Ever Drink again.” Pleased with the out come, Satan gives him another chance at living.

Guy 2: The Adulterer, upon the door opening, he comes out, reaking of perfume, with the best hair in the Underworld, And Queer as a three dollar bill. “I don’t think I’ll ever look at women the same way again.”

Amuzed Satan releases him the land of the living.

Guy 3: The Pothead… After opening the door Satan sees that hardly any of the crops have been touched and after wandering around for a few minutes he hears someone crying softly. He finds the Pothead in a shallow hole. “What’s wrong?” Satan asks. With a tear in his eye, The Pothead looks up and says “You got a lighter, Man?”

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.

Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hmmm this is a tough one

4th July.......

George Bush........

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I got arrested the other day. Apparently wrapping your bits in a copy of The Beano and masturbating doesn't count as comic relief.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bill and Sally met while on a singles cruise and Bill fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only miles apart, Bill was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they returned home.

Within a couple of months Bill had taken Sally dancing, to concerts, movies and museums. Bill became convinced that Sally was indeed his soul mate and true love.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Bill took Sally to a fine restaurant. While having drinks and waiting for their salad, Bill said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a small box out of my jacket pocket and ask you a life changing question, It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now."

Sally took a deep breath and replied, "Bill, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh, wow, I see," Bill replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a few moments in deep thought, then added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A wealthy, elderly, business executive was having a torrid affair with a young, Italian secretary. One night she confides in him that despite her precautions she is pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money for her to go to Sicily to secretly have the child. Further, if she stayed in Sicily to raise the child he would also provide child support until the child turned 21.

She agreed, but asked him how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the monthly child support payments to begin being transferred to a prearranged bank.

One day, almost seven months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange post card in the mail today."

"Oh, well, just give it to me, I'll try and figure it out later" he replied.

The wife watches as her husband takes the post card, turns it over, reads it, turns white and faints.

On the card was written, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. One with meat balls, three without. SEND LOTS OF EXTRA SAUCE!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young australian lad moves to London and goes in search of a job at Harrods.

The manager asked "do you have any experience in sales ?"

The young man answers "yeah i was a salesman back home in Mundeera, Queensland.

the manager like the cheeky aussie lad so gave him a job, The first day was a bit challenging and busy got through it.

After the store was closed the manager came down and asked "ok how many sales did you make today?"

The lad says "1"

The manager just stood there and groaned and continued "Just the 1 our sales people average 20 - 30 sales a day how much was the sale for? "

"£124,237.64p" came the reply

With this the manager almost choked £124,237.64p! what the hell did you sell him ?

Well first i sold him a small fishing hook, then i sold him a medium fishing hook then i sold him a new fishing rod.

Then i asked him where he was going fishing and he replied down the coast so i told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and i sold him that twin engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didnt think his old Honda civic would pull it, so i took him down to car sales and sold him the 4x4 in there.

The manager was almost speachless "You mean to tell me a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4 truck ?

No no no he came in here to buy a box of Tampons for his lady friend and i said "Well since your weekend buggered you may aswell go fishing !!

xxx Lois xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dubliners in Hell

Two guys from Dublin die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"

They reply, "'Well, we're from Dublin bud, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out eh".

The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Dublin, it's even wetter than Cork, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little, eh."

This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Dubliners in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Dubliners reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Dublin. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."

The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Dubliners back in their anoraks and hoodies. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!

The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Dubliners look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Dublin has won the All-Ireland Hurling Championship!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A mother is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the

elephant cage.

The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says

to his Mom, “What’s that long thing hanging down from the elephant?”

Mom replies “That’s his trunk.”

The boy goes, “I know that! No, what’s that big thing hanging down

in between the trunk and tail.”

Mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs, just says “Oh,

that’s nothing” and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at

the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad “What’s that long thing

hanging down from the elephant?”

Dad replies, “Son, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, “But Mom said it was nothing.”

Dad replied, “Well, your mom’s been spoiled!”

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……………………………….. fifty times”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mary is a school teacher and every week teaches her young students a new word, on Friday she tests them on it

Friday comes around so she asks “Our word of the week is “Fascinate- hands up who can use that word in a sentence”

Molly’s hand immediately goes up “Miss Miss”

“Me ma took me to da Zoo and I saw all the animals it was fasinatin” – very good Molly,Mary replied but the word is fascinate.

Kate put her hand up “Miss Miss”

“Me da took me shopping, I saw lovely frocks and all it was fasinatin” – very good Kate, Mary replied but the word is fascinate.

Mary then spies Johnny’s hand and ponders oh no!

“Miss Miss” my Aunty has a cardigan that has 10 buttons holes in it but her tits are that big she can only fasten eight”

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By *uckscouple2007Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

"Pierre, the French fighter pilot(hold the chuckles, this ain’t the entire joke) and his girlfriend

are out on a leisurely picnic enjoying fine Parisian cheeses and wines when caught up in the moment Pierre’s girlfriend murmurs,

“Kiss me Pierre.”

He pulls a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon out of the picnic basket and proceeds to pour it across her face then passionately kiss her.

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with red meat I like red wine.”

Stirred by the intimate turn the picnic is taking, she slips the top of her dress over her shoulders and says in a seductive tone,

“Kiss me lower Pierre.”

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with white meat I like white wine.”

Pierre’s girlfriend then removes the rest of her dress and stands before him and gestures none too subtlely at her woman parts

“Kiss me lower Pierre!”

He responds by pulling a bottle of aged cognac from the basket, pouring it on her crotch and lighting it on fire. Horrified she puts the fire out and screams,

“Pierre, what did you do that for?!”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!” "

thought the punch line was going to be "with Fish I have white wine" lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ere, it's September..... lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

heres a sep joke lol xx

Got a flat tire... pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, Did your tire go flat? I said No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stunna, that's a classic! I'm wetting myself here.

Paddy xxx

"heres a sep joke lol xx

Got a flat tire... pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, Did your tire go flat? I said No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up lol"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

so was i paddy lol xx

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