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funny jokes for today?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Well here is my attempt

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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By *rchippyMan
over a year ago

omagh

A gypsy girls mother says to her on the morning of her wedding "Mary, you do know that paddy is wanna put his most prized possession into where you piss tonight." Mary says "Ah Ma, he will never fit his transit in the sink!"

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A tourist is walking along a scenic river when he comes across a man with a fishing rod. "good morning to you sir", says the tourist, "and what, may I ask, are you fishing for in this beautiful spot?"

"Mornin' boss" says the angler, in a tinker accent, "be god, sure I'm fishing for whales, so I am, true as God sir, whales".

Astounded, the tourist asks "what kind of whales are you hoping to find here in this little river? Blue whales? Killer whales? Minky whales?"

"Jaysus no sir, bicycle whales sir".

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Very good lads. Its good to have a good laugh

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Two blokes are in a pub. One says to the other, "I fucked your mum last night. We did everything. I did her up the arse. She gave me a tit wank, sucked my cock, the lot. Shot my load all over her face to finish." The other bloke puts down his pint and says, "Let's go home Dad. I think you've had enough."

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. What the fuck does that mean? The man asks. "He's found a fucking bomb"

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. What the fuck does that mean? The man asks. "He's found a fucking bomb""

thts gud

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. What the fuck does that mean? The man asks. "He's found a fucking bomb""
PMSL

thats a brill one and thanks for the laugh!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very good lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ha ha lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A truckie that has been on the rd for three weeks stops off at a brothel. He hands the Madame €500 and says "I want ur ugliest woman and a burnt chop please!!!

The Madame is astonished and says "but sir for that money you can have a quality 3 course meal and our finest lady.

He replies "I'm not really that horny ......I'm just home sick

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

Guy in a shop buying a fake Christmas tree,attendant asks if he is going to put it up himself.Guy replies dont be so disgusting I,m going to put it up in the living room

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

Whats the difference between your paycheque and a your cock ?

You dont have to ask your wife to blow your paycheque

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

I took my Gran to on of those spa,s where little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost me €50 but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

G'day mate ,Fosters helpline Whats the problem dude ??

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she,s been stung on the minge by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up "

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate Bye"

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

Barman says to Paddy "your glass is empty ,fancy another one?"

Looking puzzled Paddy says "What the fuck would I want with two empty glasses?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scientists have created a new version of the pill for men. It is 2cm long and 3 cm wide and you put it in your left shoe. Apparently it works by making you limp.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctors complaining of severe sunburn. The doctor prescribes him natural yogurt and viagara.

The man is puzzled and asks the doctor why yogurt and viagara.

The doctor replied the yogurt is for the sunburn and the viagara is to keep the sheets of him.

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By *agiceyesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

my new shop selling vibrators is doing well....

There's a real buzz about the place.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy the gypsy, was getting married to Mary, the gypsy. On the wedding day, Paddy asks his Da, what he should do on the wedding night, as Mary is a virgin. The Da batters the head of Paddy and tell him the wedding is off, saying "No fucking way are you marrying a virgin, if she's not good enough for her own Da, she's not good enough for any son of mine!!"

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By *rchippyMan
over a year ago

omagh

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever come in contact with a penis. "Well, once I touched a mans penis with my finger," she said. "You need to wash that finger with this holy water and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever come in contact with a penis, "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Wash your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she washes her arse in it!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wayne Rooney comes home and confesses to Colleen that he paid £2000 for an Escort....Fuck sake she says, for £2000 it better have full mot and tax!....

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By *rishropemasterMan
over a year ago

near Headford

so eleanor from new york is in an irish pub and chats up batchelor paddy - whispers in his ear "come back to my hotel and we'll 69". "jaysus what's that?" come back and i'll show you. So they assume the position and 5 minutes in she farts. He raises spluttering, "oh sorry paddy, it was the steak and onions" - "go down again". 5 more minutes and she farts again - he spits out and she says "sorry paddy - it was the guinness - go down again"

He says:

"if you think I'm going down there 67 more times...."

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By *rishropemasterMan
over a year ago

near Headford

[Removed by poster at 27/11/13 17:25:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A single man and a single woman went on the boat to France. The only cabin left was a double cabin so they both agreed to take it. The man slept on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man got very cold. He said to the woman. Would u get a blanket out of the press and give it to me. The woman said I've a better idea. Lets pretend we're husband and wife. Ok he said. Good she said get the blanket ur fucking self.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked my wife tonight to say something that made me happy and sad. She said of all your friends you have the biggest cock

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By *amollieCouple
over a year ago

Dublin

Yes some very good jokes there--thank you all !! must start using the forum more often.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I asked my wife tonight to say something that made me happy and sad. She said of all your friends you have the biggest cock "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Glad to say thread still continues... Come on guys & girls life is short so its important to not take 2 seriously and have a laugh at it also

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Since my wife died, I don't get out much!

I fucking hate that judge!

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

My wife's been leaving me messages all day saying she's in casualty. 

Well I hope she gets home soon, I have it recorded and I'm dying to watch it!

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By *icker.Man
over a year ago

another galaxy

An old man had to go to the doctor for a routine cheekup, he was hard of hearing so brought his wife in with him, after a quick examination the doctor said "i need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample". The old man sayes to his wife "what did he say". His wife shouted back "He needs your underpants"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a scottish sheep farmer?

One says "hey you get off my cloud"

the other "hey McCleod get off my ewe"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr Cabury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After eight. They got off at quality street. He asked her name "Polo" I'm the one with a hole she said with a wispa. "I'm marathon the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her creme eggs and slipped his hand into her snickers. He fondled her flap jacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a fab moment as she screamed in turkish delight. Three days later his sherbet dib-dab started to itch. Turns out miss Rowntree had been with mr Bassett and he has all sorts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man gets into back of a taxi and sets off on trip. After about twenty mins he notices driver has missed a turn so leans forward to tell him taps him on the shoulder "thats the turn there mate " with that the driver starts swerving all over road before eventually smacking into a shop.

"Jaysus" says the passenger "i only tapped u on the shoulder to tell you about the turn"

" im very sorry, its my first day" replies the driver "iv been driving a hearse for the past twenty years"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went up to a girl in a club the other night and said. "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"

"Let me guess", she sighed "your bedroom floor?"

"No" I replied, "A better looking girl"

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

There's no justice in this world!

If a girl walks into the pub with half her tits showing and I look at them, I'm the pervert...

If I walk into the pub with half my cock showing and a girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!?

 

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So charles saatchi was married to nigella lawson a woman who could be a chef in the kitchen , a tart in the bedroom and had access to class A drugs?

And he divorced her??

No wonder his advertising agency went out of business

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When i was younger sometimes my mates would go play without me..

Totally uncalled for

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I went up to a girl in a club the other night and said. "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"

"Let me guess", she sighed "your bedroom floor?"

"No" I replied, "A better looking girl""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was walking through stephens green and unfortunately I suffered an asthmaic attack.....the garda asked me "did I not hear them breathing in the bushes?"!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Was walking through stephens green and unfortunately I suffered an asthmaic attack.....the garda asked me "did I not hear them breathing in the bushes?"!!"

i dont get tht

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I went up to a girl in a club the other night and said. "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"

"Let me guess", she sighed "your bedroom floor?"

"No" I replied, "A better looking girl""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Asthma..... Heavy noisy breathing!!!! And to think I was gonna share a bag of chips with ya!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

18 year old, approaches an older lady in a club and asks her to dance...she looks in disgust and says...i dont dance with children,

He looks and sheepishly apoligise s saying..... Sorry I didnt realise your condition!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctor today with a little problem down below. When I went in it was the female doc on duty. I said I'd come back again another day. She told me to take a seat that she was a doctor for 20 years and there was nothing I could say or show her that she hadn't dealt with in the past. I said ok so and dropped my jocks. With that she pointed and laughed and said that's the tiniest Mickey iv ever seen in my life. What's wrong with it? I said it's swollen

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By *o_armagh_manMan
over a year ago

Banbridge Area

Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...

I walk into the pub with half my cock showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A tourist is walking along a scenic river when he comes across a man with a fishing rod. "good morning to you sir", says the tourist, "and what, may I ask, are you fishing for in this beautiful spot?"

"Mornin' boss" says the angler, in a tinker accent, "be god, sure I'm fishing for whales, so I am, true as God sir, whales".

Astounded, the tourist asks "what kind of whales are you hoping to find here in this little river? Blue whales? Killer whales? Minky whales?"

"Jaysus no sir, bicycle whales sir". "
Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I went to the doctor today with a little problem down below. When I went in it was the female doc on duty. I said I'd come back again another day. She told me to take a seat that she was a doctor for 20 years and there was nothing I could say or show her that she hadn't dealt with in the past. I said ok so and dropped my jocks. With that she pointed and laughed and said that's the tiniest Mickey iv ever seen in my life. What's wrong with it? I said it's swollen "
hehe love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Enda Kenny, barrack o bama, George Bush and a school girl on a plane, the plane was going down and there was only 3 parachutes. So barrack o bama says "I'm the president if America, I need one" and he jumps, enda Kenny says " I'm Taoiseach, so I need one" he jumps too, then it comes to George bush he says to the little girl " I have lived my life, u take the last one!" "No, there's 2 left" says the little girl, "enda Kenny took my school bag!!"

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