FabSwingers.com forum: jokes

By *itty14 OP Couple
over a year ago

kilkenny

Ah that special moment when you slide on a condom.turn and look in the mirror and say to the chemist

"Yes ill take this one thanks"

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By *laveishMan
over a year ago

kildare

a nun is lying in the bath

hears a knock at the door..

"who is it "

hears a voice

" its the blind man "

" oh come in " she says

man comes in

"nice tits " he says as he proceeds to fit a blind to the window

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By *egularFunMan
over a year ago

...

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three

Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” she asks.

One of the Japanese men replies, “We are all very hungry.”

The waitress asks, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?”

A second businessman replies, “Because menu says, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang...and then it came back to me....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three

Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” she asks.

One of the Japanese men replies, “We are all very hungry.”

The waitress asks, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?”

A second businessman replies, “Because menu says, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”"

haha love it

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By *egularFunMan
over a year ago

...

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a

seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her

house, where she is outside waiting for him.

“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a

fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at

dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in

the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his

girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits

back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table

and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a

little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it

starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY,

ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

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By *lo1 slo2Couple
over a year ago

newry

a woman walks int a chemist and says "do you have cotton balls" the chemist says "do i look like a fuckin teddy bear!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m really flattered. Aint nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctor with a little problem down below. When he goes in its the female doc on duty. he says I'll come back again another day. She says take a seat that she was a doctor for 20 yrs and there was nothing he could say or show her that she hadn't dealt with in the past. he says ok so and drops his pants With that she points and laughs and says that's the tiniest Mickey ive ever seen in my life. What's wrong with it? he says it's swollen

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By *onzoIRLMan
over a year ago

Midlands

A teacher in school tells her kids that the word of the day is 'contagious' and asks who can use it in a sentence, so the first girl says 'I had the flu & Mammy said I couldn't go to school because the flu is contagious', 'very good', says the teacher, the next boys says 'I had chickenpox & was confined to my room because Daddy said I was contagious', 'very good', says the teacher, the next little boys says, 'my neighbour was painting the front of his house with a 2inch brush & my Daddy said it will take the contagious'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I
"A teacher in school tells her kids that the word of the day is 'contagious' and asks who can use it in a sentence, so the first girl says 'I had the flu & Mammy said I couldn't go to school because the flu is contagious', 'very good', says the teacher, the next boys says 'I had chickenpox & was confined to my room because Daddy said I was contagious', 'very good', says the teacher, the next little boys says, 'my neighbour was painting the front of his house with a 2inch brush & my Daddy said it will take the contagious'.

Very good, I like that one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A pickle cucumber and a penis were talking about life the cucumber said when i get big and hard they chop me up and toss me into a salad the pickle said when i get big and hard they chop me up and drowned me in vinegar, thats nothing compared to what Im going through when i get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head and put me in a dark damp cave and bang my head against the walls until i throw up and faint .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I phoned babe station last night, the girl answered and said 'hello sexy, what can I do for you?' so I said to her 'fuckin hide, I've lost the remote and the wife's coming down the stairs'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What a fantastic Christmas morning fuck, I'll give you ten minutes and we can do it again," said my girlfriend.

"Sorry, I would love to, but I had better get back to my wife and kids, I only popped out to get some batteries," I replied

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man goes to the doctor with a little problem down below. When he goes in its the female doc on duty. he says I'll come back again another day. She says take a seat that she was a doctor for 20 yrs and there was nothing he could say or show her that she hadn't dealt with in the past. he says ok so and drops his pants With that she points and laughs and says that's the tiniest Mickey ive ever seen in my life. What's wrong with it? he says it's swollen"
think someone took my joke from the other joke forum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I phoned babe station last night, the girl answered and said 'hello sexy, what can I do for you?' so I said to her 'fuckin hide, I've lost the remote and the wife's coming down the stairs'"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A nymphomaniac goes into the doctors complaining of a sore throat. The doctor says " please go behind the screen and take off all your clothes"

The nympho asks "where shall I put them?"

The doctor replies "on top of mine!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The daughter her mummy and granny were all discussing sex. The daughter said she got £20 for a blowjob last night. Her mummy was shocked and said "in her day all she got was a £5" to which the granny chipped in and said "you two are lucky because in my day we were only too grateful to get something warm in our bellies"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Conjunctivitis.com, now thats a site for sore eyes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man in Bar orders Champagne.

Lady next to him says "What a Coincidence. I've ordered Champagne too!"

"I'm celebrating"

"Me too what a coincidence!" "What are you celebrating?"

"Hubby & I have tried for years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!...

"What a coincidence. I'm a Farmer. For years my Hens were infertile.Today all laid Eggs!"

"Wow ! How did that happen?"

"I used a different Cock."

The lady smiled, clinked her glass and said "What a coincidence!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this man walked into a doctors surgery wearing nothing but wrapped in cling film.

the doctor said, mmmm i can clearly see your nuts....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bought my son a new Man Utd 'lamp' for Christmas. Apparently it sits well in the middle of the table.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."

He said, " I'm not"

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By *rishsteveMan
over a year ago

carlow

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!

There is not one dirty word in this, and you have to admit it's really funny!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

20 Things you can only say at Christmas:

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over thebreasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'llburst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able tohandle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after youput it in.

16: You'll know it's ready when itpops up

17: Just pull the end and w

ait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I've been gobbling

nuts all morning

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mother and 18 year old daughter watching tv together.during ads one comes on for shampoo.daughter asks mum ...what is shoulders

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By *vsnikkiTV/TS
over a year ago

Limavady

TRUE story at nativity play yesterday.

Narrator: What will this baby calf grow up to be?

Small child: a cow

Narrator: What will this baby lamb grow up to be?

Small child: Irish stew.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

who are u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A scouser walked into the local job center marched straight up to the counter and said;

'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied;

'Your timing is amazing. We've Just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.

The hours are a bit long, but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.

The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'

The Scouser said 'you’re bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said

'Well you started it!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/12/13 21:04:28]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tipex.

This morning I woke with a huge correction.

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By *ysteryman2009Man
over a year ago

Ireland

Why is their a knob on the end of a mans penis ..... In case his hand slips off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife is amazing at deep throating 12 inches.

Just a shame the cow only does it with pizza

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Michael Schumachers crew have just been to visit him in hospital.

They changed his drip and the wheels on his bed in a disappointing 9.7 seconds...

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By *andytownMan
over a year ago

Gods Own Country

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr Wenger, Mr Mourinho, Mr Rodgers, Mr Moyes and Mr Martinez.... The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a portugese beer to each of the others. The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for all the guys except for Moyes. Then Mr Moyes said; Hey guys what about my pint...??? Rodgers looked at him and said; Sorry David, this is the fourth round and you are not in it!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fuck funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was looking at his wife laying on their bed, no teeth in,tits on her belly,hair a mess and smoking a cigarette. Then she cocked her leg and let off a massive fart. "You are a mess and l'm disgusted with you" he said. "l'm still the woman you love and married" she said. "Sometime we just let ourselves go a bit." "Yes, but we're on our fucking honeymoon!" he replied

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are back

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a

little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere,

but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric

toaster and electric bread maker.

She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place

to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well

because there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late

for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her

first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Yorkshire farmer sees a man drinking from his stream,

so he shouts,

"Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer lad, it's full o' hoss piss an cow shite an it cud kill thee!!"...

The man says,

"Excuse me sir, I am a Muslim from Pakistan, could you be speaking much clearer and slower, thank you please!"...

The farmer replies,

"If... You... Use... Two... Hands... You... Won't... Spill... Any!!"

Is this a dig at Muslims or Pakistanis or are you just being generally racist and offensive ?

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By *0shadesofashWoman
over a year ago

DUBLIN

My fella is so fucking ugly, even the dog shuts his eyes when he humps his leg.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My fella is so fucking ugly, even the dog shuts his eyes when he humps his leg."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Irish man was out drinking all day,came time to go home and when he tried to stand up fell flat on his face ,tried another time , again fell straight down , he decided to crawl outside , hoping the night air might help , again he tries to pull himself to an upright position but fell again , twice more he tried before giving up and crawling home , crawled up the stairs and just about managed to get himself into bed . Next morning , his wife starts screaming at him .... You were in the pub all day again ,

How do you know he replies

Because you left your wheelchair in the pub

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

A perfectly pc joke.

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Catholic end up sitting beside each other on a plane .

They end up having a congenial discussion on the differences between their religions and end up leaving the plane feeling enlightened at the end of an uneventful flight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Except it's not a joke.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A perfectly pc joke.

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Catholic end up sitting beside each other on a plane .

They end up having a congenial discussion on the differences between their religions and end up leaving the plane feeling enlightened at the end of an uneventful flight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A perfectly pc joke.

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Catholic end up sitting beside each other on a plane .

They end up having a congenial discussion on the differences between their religions and end up leaving the plane feeling enlightened at the end of an uneventful flight.

Then the plane disintegrates behind them in a huge explosion

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By *0shadesofashWoman
over a year ago

DUBLIN

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Except it's not a joke."

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?"

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A perfectly pc joke.

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Catholic end up sitting beside each other on a plane .

They end up having a congenial discussion on the differences between their religions and end up leaving the plane feeling enlightened at the end of an uneventful flight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/03/14 19:42:47]

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

[Removed by poster at 18/03/14 19:46:21]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong."

That's very big of you to admit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

That's very big of you to admit

The YOU should have been a clue MM but hey, we know how childish you are.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

That's very big of you to admit

The YOU should have been a clue MM but hey, we know how childish you are."

Ah now, don't spoil it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

That's very big of you to admit

The YOU should have been a clue MM but hey, we know how childish you are.

Ah now, don't spoil it!

Now THATS funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

That's very big of you to admit

The YOU should have been a clue MM but hey, we know how childish you are.

Ah now, don't spoil it!

Now THATS funny

Side splitting.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Except it's not a joke.

It's certainly not funny and that was the whole point.

I thought I'd play it safe since almost every post before it could be construed as offensive to someone or something if people are that way inclined.

*brushes hand over head

What was your point?

Wow! You're just too cool for me and I have no answer for your hand brush, or anything else, going over your head

Didn't think so, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

That's very big of you to admit

The YOU should have been a clue MM but hey, we know how childish you are.

Ah now, don't spoil it!

yur just a big kid michael but we loves u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In the midst of a rape john manages to ring the rape help center. When he gets an answer he snaps " I have her held down . . . What do I do now "

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By *0shadesofashWoman
over a year ago

DUBLIN

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."

He said, " I'm not" "
great love it

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Authorities searching for the missing plane have just found the wings.

Unfortunately mr and mrs wing haven't a fucking clue where the plane is

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between a rottweiller shagging your leg and a jack russell shagging your leg?

The rottweiller gets to finish!!

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

"Authorities searching for the missing plane have just found the wings.

Unfortunately mr and mrs wing haven't a fucking clue where the plane is "

Considering the tragedy and devastation of the situation this 'joke' is a travesty.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Ooooo, tough audience!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a

seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her

house, where she is outside waiting for him.

“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a

fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at

dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in

the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his

girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits

back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table

and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a

little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it

starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY,

ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”"

LMAO....... Good one!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/03/14 09:02:41]

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip..."

You can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm not quite sure how it offends you though. If I told it in twenty years time I wonder if you would still deem it offensive?

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip...

You can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm not quite sure how it offends you though. If I told it in twenty years time I wonder if you would still deem it offensive? "

I never mentioned offensive, I said inappropriate.... And yes I wouldn't like to hear a joke about it in 20 yrs time. Just like I wouldn't like to hear one made about concentration camps or 911 for example

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Panda Bear gets up to leave a Madamme after doin his business

The Madamme asks where he thinks he's going?? Do U not what I am?? The bear looks puzzled.The madamme throws a dictionary at him n tells him to look up prostitute..a woman who sells her body for money...the Panda throws the dictionary back at her and tells her to look up a Panda Bear, Black bear that eats shoots and leaves

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip...

You can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm not quite sure how it offends you though. If I told it in twenty years time I wonder if you would still deem it offensive?

That's fair enough. There wouldnt be many stand up comedians in the world if inappropriate jokes weren't allowed. There wouldnt be very many jokes in this thread either, come to think of it. Was this the only one you found to be inappropriate?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My fella is so fucking ugly, even the dog shuts his eyes when he humps his leg."

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

I'd call it debate rather than bickering.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

I'd call it debate rather than bickering.

Mm maybe you're right. I did however laugh a little at your joke so don't give me the sad face

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

I'd call it debate rather than bickering.

Mm maybe you're right. I did however laugh a little at your joke so don't give me the sad face

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By *urious fem ddWoman
over a year ago

dublin

I'm ALWAYS misplacing my car keys. My OH keeps telling me about a device that will beep loudly when you clap your hands together.

Today, after spending 5minutes looking for the keys...I said I want one...its mothers day soon.... I want one

He said, you can't have the clap for mothers day

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

"Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

I'd call it debate rather than bickering.

Def not bickering. Difference of opinions.

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Even a joke thread turns into bickering.

I'd call it debate rather than bickering.

Def not bickering. Difference of opinions.

Yep. That's what makes the world an interesting place.

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip...

You can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm not quite sure how it offends you though. If I told it in twenty years time I wonder if you would still deem it offensive?

Just read the whole thread and yes there is a couple more....

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"Ooooo, tough audience!

I enjoy a good joke not an inappropriate quip...

You can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm not quite sure how it offends you though. If I told it in twenty years time I wonder if you would still deem it offensive?

Just read the whole thread and yes there is a couple more....

Lol, just read the second half of the next one....

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

Spare a thought for the man who told his wifehe was going to China on the Malaysian lplane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment!

Alternatively

When someone is murdered, the first person investigated is usually the spouse.

That's tells you all you need to know about marriage!

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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago

around

I have a few jokes to tell, but im not allowed to name and shame

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"I have a few jokes to tell, but im not allowed to name and shame

Lol. My apologies!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the zoo the other day and there was only a.single solitary dog there ... It was a shitzoo

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"I went to the zoo the other day and there was only a.single solitary dog there ... It was a shitzoo "

Badoom tish!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boxes of condoms now come in a variety of contents.

They have boxes of 3 for the dirty weekenders - ie friday saturday and sunday nights.

Boxes of 5 for students - ie monday tues weds thurs n friday nights.

Boxes of 12 for married men - ie January February March April etc etc.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him

occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly, tighter and tighter!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Inland Revenue."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On first morning back from a sex filled honeymoon the new wife asks her new husband "what do you want for breakfast?"

He relied "sex"

Later she asked him " what does he want for lunch?"

He replied " sex"

Later on she asked "what he wanted for dinner?"

He replied "sex"

The same questions received the same answers for the next few weeks.

Until one night the sex mad husband comes in late after working overtime to see his obliging bride sliding down the bannisters in the nude to which he asked inquisitively "what the fuk are you doing?"

She replied "keeping your dinner warm"

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By *urferniMan
over a year ago

Antrim

Elderly lady is visiting the doctor and mentions that her husband is no longer able to perform his marital duties. The doctor gives her some little blue tablets and explains that if her hubby takes one, it should restore his virility.

The lady says that her hubby won't take tablets, so the doctor suggests crushing one up and putting it in his coffee.

A week later and the lady is back with the doctor. "How did the tablets work for your husband?" he asks.

"Wonderful!" says the lady. "I put one in his coffee like you suggested, and within minutes he was ravishing me, making passionate love to me over the table. It was the best sex we have had for years!The only downside was we have been barred from Starbucks........."

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