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"The illness thing for me is a red herring . Very few illnesses make sex impossible. For me it’s a sign that you two prioritise sex very differently" I mentioned it primarily for completeness since it does have some bearing on my current state of being. It’s actually been a string of things, not all of them physical. You are correct though: we do prioritise sex very differently and this has long been the case. Therein lies the issue. "We understand that sex is an important part of life and so do our best for each other." This is exactly what I aspire to in my own relationship. It’s not the most important part, but it is important. "Were you aware of these sex frequency issues when you decided to marry?" Yes I was. We’ve been together over 10 years and never had a very active sex life: twice in the week has always been rare, so it’s not exactly a new issue. It has deteriorated from there over time. You might ask next: if I knew this was an issue, why did I go through with marriage? It’s because in every other way we are a great match. Splitting over this would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. I also viewed the difference in our wants as being a problem with me: that I wanted too much and that was something to be fixed. While there is some truth in that, over time I’ve come to realise that the problem isn’t simply on my end, and that it’s more correct to think of it as a mismatch between us. It’s a problem with our sexual compatibility. "Do you guys talk about this? What is her take on it? I feel you need to lay everyone out for her and help her understand that you have unmet needs, and I hope she will understand that and prioritise your needs as well as hers." For a very long time we didn’t talk about sex at all. However I mentioned in my original post that we had conversations before the current dry spell and a whole lot of stuff was finally aired. The conversations were difficult but productive. While they created grounds to work towards improvements, it seems clear that we’re always going to have a disconnect in the bedroom. That said, during the conversations the idea of bringing other people into the bedroom did come up (I discussed this in another thread I started last week). That’s what led me to start lurking here. "In which case you will need to decide if this is something that you can live with, come to an arrangement about, or if this is an "irreconcilable differences" thing and you need to go your own ways." So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking. "Depends on what factors the couple prioritises as key. Those priorities can also change through out the relationship." Couldn’t agree more. In my case I feel that the sexual side of my relationship needs to move a bit higher up in the priority list, a need that has become more apparent to me with the passage of time. "Anyway the relationship eventually ended largely due to the anger caused by this situation" Sorry to read your story. I hope each of you are doing ok, and that I can avoid the same fate in my own relationship. "Bring your wife on a trip to Cap d adge, it ll lighten up the whole conversation, open the eyes and offer something new to stimulate you both. It might trigger a more playful and joyful continuous exploration of what could turn either or both of you on. It might break down the societal barriers to body and sexuality acceptance." Now there’s an idea! Would take some convincing but it would certainly be a way to shake things up. I’ll keep it in mind actually 😊 "Relationships become house shares, and hopefully buddies over time. It takes a lot of innovation to keep the sexual spark alive and playful. We forget to be playful and joyous and adventurous. We sometimes need a kick in the ass to rediscover our curiosity and spirit of adventure" Sounds very accurate to me. | |||
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"So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking. " I'm sorry I think I misunderstood your post. 99% of these posts are about cheating justification and men looking to be told it's ok. Your post isn't about that at all. I feel for you (and them) on one hand because you made compromises to be with your chosen partner, like everyone does (nobody is perfect for anybody really)... and on the other hand you have decided that she is worth it despite being mismatched in that one area. You knew and you made your choice and are living with the great bits and the not so great bits in order to be with the person you love. The assholes are the ones who know that there is a sexual mismatch before partnering up and then afterwards use that as a reason to be disloyal. | |||
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"So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking. I'm sorry I think I misunderstood your post. 99% of these posts are about cheating justification and men looking to be told it's ok. Your post isn't about that at all. I feel for you (and them) on one hand because you made compromises to be with your chosen partner, like everyone does (nobody is perfect for anybody really)... and on the other hand you have decided that she is worth it despite being mismatched in that one area. You knew and you made your choice and are living with the great bits and the not so great bits in order to be with the person you love. The assholes are the ones who know that there is a sexual mismatch before partnering up and then afterwards use that as a reason to be disloyal. " Sexual mismatch??? It's a bit like when a young guy has his first pint of Guinness. He mightn't like it, but then when he's older, he try's again, and for some reason he's taste buds likes it. Maybe sexual matching is like a drink, tastes change?? Please drink alcohol sensibly!! | |||
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"Posting this mainly to vent a little, but also because I seem to enjoy tormenting myself with envy. [I’m going to preface what I write below by saying that I am ok, even if I may come across otherwise. Thanks in advance for your concern. It’s just frustrating] My sex life has never been truly fulfilling. It has never reached the heights that I desire for it to take me to. It bothers me. Right now I’m in the middle of a long dry spell within my marriage - it’s been 6 months without sex and will likely be several more months at least before that changes. Surprising as it may be given what I’ve said above, this dry spell isn’t what bothers me. There are important reasons for it (health issues) and it’s ok with me that sex is off the cards for a while. What bothers me, what keeps me awake at night is the knowledge that even when it resumes, it will still be inadequate for me. Sex that takes place once a week at best (less often when life gets in the way which happens a lot) and is completely vanilla. It’s lovely when it does happen, but lovely isn’t exactly stoking the flames of desire, is it? There’s a long and complex history behind the current state of matters, way too much for me to get into here. However what it boils down to is this: my wife and I have very different wants, needs and priorities when it comes to sex. The gaps between us are quite large. Not long before the current dry spell visited upon us we had some frank and honest conversations about the disconnect and started trying to work together on it. We didn’t get very far though before circumstances changed and put everything on pause. However the break has given me a lot of time to reflect on our sexual dynamic and I can’t say it’s a happy picture. So that’s my spiel: I ain’t gettin’ any and even if I was it would leave plenty to be desired. I’d love to hear from others, both similar to me and the polar opposite. How much sex are you having? How much do you want to be having? What’s working well and what’s not? Hopefully there’ll be some interesting discussion at least." I commented on your other thread there. Mrs | |||
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