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Advice on separation

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
30 weeks ago

I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did...

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago


"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..."

Have you tried individual and then couples counselling? Or what about sex counselling?

I don’t know your wife but I find women tend to shut off when their mind is not in it, has something or many things over the years happened? The constant criticism could mean she’s not happy either.. hence the counselling. I’d see if a woman could give some insight though.. sorry regardless as I couldn’t imagine what that’s like..

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
30 weeks ago

East / North, Cork

The only person who knows the right move for you is you. Try couples counselling/therapy, but ultimately you need to trust in yourself, because you deserve to have love and happiness in your life.

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By *om TangoMan
30 weeks ago

aughnacloy monaghan area

I finished my marriage at Xmas. I was sick of pretending we were married. It really took me down, hit depression, couldn’t see a reason to live anymore and buried my head in work. Long story but from the day I ended it I’m feeling much better. Kids were very understanding.

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 02/04/24 09:47:36]

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago


"Have you tried individual and then couples counselling? Or what about sex counselling?

I don’t know your wife but I find women tend to shut off when their mind is not in it, has something or many things over the years happened? The constant criticism could mean she’s not happy either.. hence the counselling. I’d see if a woman could give some insight though.. sorry regardless as I couldn’t imagine what that’s like.. "

OP I would go with this as the first step. Sometimes as couples get more comfortable their communication styles become different and while you may be saying things to her and her to you, you mightnt actually be hearing each other. Its not easy and a tough road, but least after that you can say you tried and walked away (if you do) after saying that. Best of luck

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By *oshSardineMan
30 weeks ago

Castleknock

My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife and especially your kids.

I left, took me about a year and I kept putting it off because it was Christmas, it was one of the kids birthday, there was always something that would give them a reminder that their father left. So I did it just before my birthday. When I told her I was leaving, it literally was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was hard though and it is hard ever since. Mentally I am much healthier and happier. The children were upset but they knew that it wasn’t great listening to their mother scream most days at their dad and that upset them more. I lost all my friends bar two, one a male and one a female. Without them, I’d probably be in worse bother.

I was from a small village and she slated me to everyone. She went to my work and told some serious lies about me to my employers. I had to prove it was all lies and I had to get her to retract it but the damage was already done and she knew that. I was paying the mortgage and giving her money for the children and she went to court looking for more. The judge told her to stop lying. Eventually we got divorced, that was a nightmare in itself. She got legal aid and I had to pay my bills. There’s no winner in that. Two of the children are in college and they don’t bother with their mother too much now. My youngest is finished school next year and the three of them I love very dearly and mean the world to me.

This isn’t a poor me, poor me story. It’s just to say that most days I think about if I had of stayed, would the kids be different or not scared as I’m sure they have mentally. I have that guilt of me not being there all the time their mother was bringing in different men and me collecting them after a text late at night saying they didn’t feel safe there or wanting to stay the night in their ‘home’. The guilt and sadness of having to drop them home and a lump in my throat when they got out and gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye dad, I love you. But I also know that I’m alive for my children now and into the future and I’m not so sure if I had of stayed if I would have as I was constantly ill due to stress and it was my doctor that told me that the stress would kill me eventually if I didn’t do something.

There is no one who can tell you to stay or leave, however, if it’s really bad for you now at the moment, imagine what it is going to be like when you say, I’m done and I’m leaving because you maybe closing one chapter but you are opening an entirely different book. Don’t slug your wife off, don’t call her names, keep them in your head if you want, bite your tongue. Your kids don’t want to see mum and dad fighting.

Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on.

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By *og-ManMan
30 weeks ago

somewhere

Poshsardine

Thank you for writing your story and glad to see you're in a better place now

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago


"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..."

You have verifications dating back from 2022 so you have been on this site for 2 years at least. So let me ask this question does she know you are here?

If not then you are cheating and trust me unless you are a fantastic actor she knows something is up with you, that you are hiding something and that constant criticism - that’s her response to you not being honest with her and not communicating with her.

What men see as constant criticism is often a cry for help and you have either not listened properly or you are actively ignoring it. I say this as someone who was accused of constantly criticising about a dishwasher knives - sharp ones only to stop and then get told me being stabbed by one and our 3 year old at the time also being stabbed was actually my fault because I wasn’t watching him - instead I was clearing dishes away while rushing out the door trying to get the kids off to Creche with no help while he only had himself to get ready.

The gaslighting from the constant criticism claims often ring alarm bells with me because of this. The fact you are here leads me to believe those bells are true.

Your marriage is over - don’t pretend it isn’t any longer - you are not doing her any favours sticking around.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
30 weeks ago

Thank you all for your messages. There's some good thoughts, advice and experiences shown. I appreciate it all.

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By *ano53Man
30 weeks ago

Wicklow

Breaking up in marriage... Is the best thing I ever did ... Despite the tough times .. and there will b plenty big those.

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By *ano53Man
30 weeks ago

Wicklow

Plenty tough times I mean ...but worth it

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By *astelloWoman
30 weeks ago

Far far away


"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife and especially your kids.

I left, took me about a year and I kept putting it off because it was Christmas, it was one of the kids birthday, there was always something that would give them a reminder that their father left. So I did it just before my birthday. When I told her I was leaving, it literally was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was hard though and it is hard ever since. Mentally I am much healthier and happier. The children were upset but they knew that it wasn’t great listening to their mother scream most days at their dad and that upset them more. I lost all my friends bar two, one a male and one a female. Without them, I’d probably be in worse bother.

I was from a small village and she slated me to everyone. She went to my work and told some serious lies about me to my employers. I had to prove it was all lies and I had to get her to retract it but the damage was already done and she knew that. I was paying the mortgage and giving her money for the children and she went to court looking for more. The judge told her to stop lying. Eventually we got divorced, that was a nightmare in itself. She got legal aid and I had to pay my bills. There’s no winner in that. Two of the children are in college and they don’t bother with their mother too much now. My youngest is finished school next year and the three of them I love very dearly and mean the world to me.

This isn’t a poor me, poor me story. It’s just to say that most days I think about if I had of stayed, would the kids be different or not scared as I’m sure they have mentally. I have that guilt of me not being there all the time their mother was bringing in different men and me collecting them after a text late at night saying they didn’t feel safe there or wanting to stay the night in their ‘home’. The guilt and sadness of having to drop them home and a lump in my throat when they got out and gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye dad, I love you. But I also know that I’m alive for my children now and into the future and I’m not so sure if I had of stayed if I would have as I was constantly ill due to stress and it was my doctor that told me that the stress would kill me eventually if I didn’t do something.

There is no one who can tell you to stay or leave, however, if it’s really bad for you now at the moment, imagine what it is going to be like when you say, I’m done and I’m leaving because you maybe closing one chapter but you are opening an entirely different book. Don’t slug your wife off, don’t call her names, keep them in your head if you want, bite your tongue. Your kids don’t want to see mum and dad fighting.

Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on. "

Best of luck with the future and your honesty.

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By *ozzlesMan
30 weeks ago

galway

I got some good advice from people during and after my seperation and while I'm very happily seperated now and get on fine with my ex it wasn't all plain sailing.

For what it's worth here's some of the advice.

It will take 5 years to get to a place of new normal.

5 years is a long time for your kids.

Your finances will take far longer than your emotions to recover.

Your current partner isn't half as bad as you think right now but you won't know it for about 5 years.

Kids are resilient, with love, kindness and support they will survive it.

Men traditionally do not fare well in separations ( although this is probably slightly outdated advice).

Don't seperate unless you have to.

Seek all options to fix what can be fixed even if in the end it breaks. To know you tried will be a valuable comfort to you in the future.

Try to be in the other person's shoes just for a little bit each day.

Best of luck.

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By *adger BrocMan
30 weeks ago

Co. Cork

Apart from death and taxes everything else in life is a compromise.

No two relationships are the same so its almost impossible for anyone, especially those on here, to give you advice on your individual situation.

The decision on what compromises you want to make is your decision only and you will know when you are ready to make it. Think long and hard and be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Life can be tough just be tough enough for it.

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By *antra MassageMan
30 weeks ago

Wicklow


"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife and especially your kids.

I left, took me about a year and I kept putting it off because it was Christmas, it was one of the kids birthday, there was always something that would give them a reminder that their father left. So I did it just before my birthday. When I told her I was leaving, it literally was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was hard though and it is hard ever since. Mentally I am much healthier and happier. The children were upset but they knew that it wasn’t great listening to their mother scream most days at their dad and that upset them more. I lost all my friends bar two, one a male and one a female. Without them, I’d probably be in worse bother.

I was from a small village and she slated me to everyone. She went to my work and told some serious lies about me to my employers. I had to prove it was all lies and I had to get her to retract it but the damage was already done and she knew that. I was paying the mortgage and giving her money for the children and she went to court looking for more. The judge told her to stop lying. Eventually we got divorced, that was a nightmare in itself. She got legal aid and I had to pay my bills. There’s no winner in that. Two of the children are in college and they don’t bother with their mother too much now. My youngest is finished school next year and the three of them I love very dearly and mean the world to me.

This isn’t a poor me, poor me story. It’s just to say that most days I think about if I had of stayed, would the kids be different or not scared as I’m sure they have mentally. I have that guilt of me not being there all the time their mother was bringing in different men and me collecting them after a text late at night saying they didn’t feel safe there or wanting to stay the night in their ‘home’. The guilt and sadness of having to drop them home and a lump in my throat when they got out and gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye dad, I love you. But I also know that I’m alive for my children now and into the future and I’m not so sure if I had of stayed if I would have as I was constantly ill due to stress and it was my doctor that told me that the stress would kill me eventually if I didn’t do something.

There is no one who can tell you to stay or leave, however, if it’s really bad for you now at the moment, imagine what it is going to be like when you say, I’m done and I’m leaving because you maybe closing one chapter but you are opening an entirely different book. Don’t slug your wife off, don’t call her names, keep them in your head if you want, bite your tongue. Your kids don’t want to see mum and dad fighting.

Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on. "

My story is similar.

Prepare an exit plan. It took me a while, but I've a successful new life now. I had €20 euros a week to live on, when I left, lived in a derelict house, held down a job, and looked after the kids. Surround yourself with people who will support you, they may not be many, but the support of a few is all you'll need. Ask them to support your exit strategy. Best of luck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
30 weeks ago

Lads, thank you for opening your lives and experiences. You are all so kind for sharing. I really do appreciate it and it's certainly given me food for thought, deep thought.

Thank you so much. Only wish we could chat over coffee. I guess people don't realise it can be lonely to be a guy, we just don't share our feelings often.

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By *oshSardineMan
30 weeks ago

Castleknock


"Poshsardine

Thank you for writing your story and glad to see you're in a better place now

"

Thanks BogMan.

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By *oshSardineMan
30 weeks ago

Castleknock


"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife

Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on.

Best of luck with the future and your honesty."

Thank you Castello.

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By *uriousVoyeurMan
30 weeks ago

Northside


"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did...

You have verifications dating back from 2022 so you have been on this site for 2 years at least. So let me ask this question does she know you are here?

If not then you are cheating and trust me unless you are a fantastic actor she knows something is up with you, that you are hiding something and that constant criticism - that’s her response to you not being honest with her and not communicating with her.

What men see as constant criticism is often a cry for help and you have either not listened properly or you are actively ignoring it. I say this as someone who was accused of constantly criticising about a dishwasher knives - sharp ones only to stop and then get told me being stabbed by one and our 3 year old at the time also being stabbed was actually my fault because I wasn’t watching him - instead I was clearing dishes away while rushing out the door trying to get the kids off to Creche with no help while he only had himself to get ready.

The gaslighting from the constant criticism claims often ring alarm bells with me because of this. The fact you are here leads me to believe those bells are true.

Your marriage is over - don’t pretend it isn’t any longer - you are not doing her any favours sticking around. "

Is it even a remote possibility that he's here BECAUSE of the constant criticism? He's stated that he's tried talking and tried to rekindle things to no avail! But you can tell that she knows he's here and that's why she's always critical! I get that you've based that assumption on your own experience of criticism but not every situation is like that! OP,my advice would be to suggest counselling to your wife and do what you can to save the marriage. At least then if it fails you can say that at least you tried! I wish you all the best for whatever the future holds!

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago

Abort.

Live your best life.

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
30 weeks ago

My town

I wasn't married, but might as well been , house child together. If honest for a year we both seemed like lodgers together. Maybe if we done couples counselling it might of helped. Fast forward that year we both lost respect for each other, both ended up cheating. For the sake of our child we separated no point living and staying together for our daughter. I've other children from a previous as well. We had not the best break up (never a good break uo I guess ) both blamed one another point was we both to blame. We both happy mow and fairly friendly to one another no point in being anything else , we have our daughter we gotta think of her. If we had of stayed for the sake of it. Honestly it would ruin us and our daughter and my other children. For me my family my situation it was the best thing and I can honestly say he feels the same too . What woukd we be staying for ?

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago


"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..."

2 years ago I walked away from it, I had tried counselling, had asked him to do some with me or on his own, he wouldn't. He was constantly negative about everything in life and it got me down hugely. It was the best decision I ever made, it was like a weight of blocks came off my back that day I ended it. And in fairness he is now so much happier and healthier, hard decision but the right one for us both. Kids still adjusting but it takes time.

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago

I'm going through the exact same thing but me and her separated 8 months ago

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By (user no longer on site)
30 weeks ago


"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..."

Walked away from a 20 year relationship when I was in my early 40s, left behind a beautiful house, property abroad, a great standard of living and basically started again.

It was a very tough decision (because I thought I was too old to start again) but ultimately it changed my life for the better, I regained my confidence and my sense of self worth and absolutely love my life now.

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By (user no longer on site)
29 weeks ago

That’s some of the best advise I’ve ever heard. Fair play. Was going to post as had similar situation happen to me. Thanks for writing it.

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By *his40Man
29 weeks ago

centre

Walked away at 35 practically nothing only the clothes I was wearing

First 2/3 years I found it lonely in a social point of view (going out weekends restaurants pubs etc)as emigrated away so had no friend s etc close by

15 years away now

It’s got so much easier life did , now all my friend s here social life is brilliant , money have plenty that I could almost semi retire , all work contacts and friend s here such that when I go back to Ireland I feel lonely

Single can’t see that changing as too used to that lifestyle now , can do what I want no one to answer to , freedom is as much as I want , life is what it should be

Best decision I ever made and am a firm believer in life is simple it’s the people themselves that create problems

What ever decision u make I wish u well but for me looking back I regret not having done it sooner as was only wasting my life away

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By *his40Man
29 weeks ago

centre


"Abort.

Live your best life."

Totally agree

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By (user no longer on site)
29 weeks ago

You can’t make sour milk fresh again so I finished my marriage once I realised it was done and I was no longer happy, and we were rowing more than laughing. I kept thinking that I had to stay married for my kids, but now that it is all done, they are happier for it. They have two happy loving homes instead of one, for want of a better word, uncomfortable environment. I also found out I had stage 3 cancer in the middle of it all! It has taken a bit of time to adjust and learn to co-parent and be financially independent, but to be honest, it was the best thing I ever did. Best wishes whatever your decision may be. Milly

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