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Relationship Anarchy - A short instructional manifesto by Andie Nordgren

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy

Andie Nordgren

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Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Love and respect instead of entitlement

Find your core set of relationship values

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you

Build for the lovely unexpected

Fake it til’ you make it

Trust is better

Change through communication

Customize your commitments

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another. Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Love and respect instead of entitlement

Deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement is about respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship. Staying away from entitlement and demands is the only way to be sure that you are in a relationship that is truly mutual. Love is not more “real” when people compromise for each other because it’s part of what’s expected.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Find your core set of relationship values

How do you wish to be treated by others? What are your basic boundaries and expectations on all relationships? What kind of people would you like to spend your life with, and how would you like your relationships to work? Find your core set of values and use it for all relationships. Don’t make special rules and exceptions as a way to show people you love them “for real”.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you

Remember that there is a very powerful normative system in play that dictates what real love is, and how people should live. Many will question you and the validity of your relationships when you don’t follow these norms. Work with the people you love to find escapes and tricks to counter the worst of the problematic norms. Find positive counter spells and don’t let fear drive your relationships.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Build for the lovely unexpected

Being free to be spontaneous — to express oneself without fear of punishments or a sense of burdened “shoulds” — is what gives life to relationships based on relationship anarchy. Organize based on a wish to meet and explore each other — not on duties and demands and disappointment when they are not met.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Fake it til’ you make it

Sometimes it can feel like you need to be some complete super human to handle all the norm breaking involved in choosing relationships that don’t map to the norm. A great trick is the “fake it til’ you make it” strategy — when you are feeling strong and inspired, think about how you would like to see yourself act. Transform that into some simple guidelines, and stick to them when things are rough. Talk to and seek support from others who challenge norms, and never reproach yourself when the norm pressure gets you into behaviour you didn’t wish for.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Trust is better

Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship. Sometimes people have so much going on inside themselves that there’s just no energy left to reach out and care for others. Create the kind of relationship where withdrawing is both supported and quickly forgiven, and give people lots of chances to talk, explain, see you and be responsible in the relationship. Remember your core values and to take care of yourself though!

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Change through communication

For most human activities, there is some form of norm in place for how it is supposed to work. If you want to deviate from this pattern, you need to communicate — otherwise things tend to end up just following the norm, as others behave according to it. Communication and joint actions for change is the only way to break away. Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart — not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve “problems”. Communicate in a context of trust. We are so used to people never really saying what they think and feel — that we have to read between the lines and extrapolate to find what they really mean. But such interpretations can only build on previous experiences — usually based on the norms you want to escape. Ask each other about stuff, and be explicit!

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

Customize your commitments

Life would not have much structure or meaning without joining together with other people to achieve things — constructing a life together, raising children, owning a house or growing together through thick and thin. Such endeavors usually need lots of trust and commitment between people to work. Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you, and freeing them from norms dictating that certain types of commitments are a requirement for love to be real, or that some commitments like raising children or moving in together have to be driven by certain kinds of feelings. Start from scratch and be explicit about what kind of commitments you want to make with other people!

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

I came across this recently and thought it was a very interesting read.

I broke it up into seperate posts so that each segment could be discussed individually.

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By *lueLotusWoman
over a year ago

the wilderness

Yes, these are very interesting. Very useful reading for anyone trying to break out of old 'norm' patterning. Thanks

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By *oodOmensfor2Couple
over a year ago

Ennis

This is very interesting reading. Lots of valuable points on how to make non traditional relationships work.

Thanks for sharing.

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By *astelloWoman
over a year ago

Far far away

Excellent posts on this. Societal norms and family of origin create the structures that we live by, but it may not be the right path for us.

I find the term anarchy quite puzzling as its more evolutionary process than confrontational.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West

I liked a few different things I read above because as a single guy who prefers longer term non monogamous connections it has taken me a while to really understand what it is I want and what I have to capacity to maintain.

I like a mental and emotional connection and even a little attachment with the right person.I enjoy having this with more than one person.

After twenty years of monogamy though, I didn't really understand what I wanted at all at first and it took a bit of calibration and exploration to both discover and be able to articulate what it is I desire and how my needs are met.

On top of that. It took me a while to break free of the kind of thinking and institutional, culturally induced behaviour that sat on my shoulder and told me that even something as simple as kissing more than one person at a social event was wrong an bound to blow up in my face

Labels are divisive but sometimes they can help to paint a picture that helps communication. I don't feel like I swinger. Nor to I feel polyamorous. Ethical Non Monogamous makes sense but it grates on me to have to use the word Ethical to describe myself. I'm not Ethically straight. I'm just straight.

Anarchy too has so many negative connotations about it today it's not a word I'd bring into conversation to try to describe my current approach to relationships.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

The word "ethical" in that sense, doesn't describe the sexuality... It describes the morality. It describes a standard that you hold yourself to in your relationship/sexual choices.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West


"The word "ethical" in that sense, doesn't describe the sexuality... It describes the morality. It describes a standard that you hold yourself to in your relationship/sexual choices."

I get that. I just think it's redundant to use it as a single person.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

A single ethically non-monogamous person would make it clear from the outset that they are potentially looking for more than one partner and is honest about that to new partners, so as to ensure everyone knows this in advance. That way everyone knows what they are getting into and can be a choice by the new partner if they are comfortable or not.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

A single ethically non-monogamous person with no intention of getting into any kind of relationship and who is just looking for sex will be open and honest about that intention to partners in advance and allow them to decide if they are happy with that or not.

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West


"A single ethically non-monogamous person would make it clear from the outset that they are potentially looking for more than one partner and is honest about that to new partners, so as to ensure everyone knows this in advance. That way everyone knows what they are getting into and can be a choice by the new partner if they are comfortable or not.

"

I get that too. I'm not lacking in understanding about what the words mean or how they work in practice.

But I can just as easily say I am single and non monogamous. There's no need to for me emphasise that I'm ethical. I am ethical.

For example by tinder profile says

I enjoy dating and longer term casual, non monogamous liaisons and while I am open to it I'm not actively looking for a long term relationship.

I could just as easily write that I am a Relationship Anarchist who is Solo Poly and Ethically Non Monogamous. They both mean the same thing to me but one just feels easier to understand much less serious and rigid.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

I guess it's about communicating that to partners so they understand that standard that you hold yourself to and therefore showing that you will treat them in an ethical manner. It can be a reassurance that you are both on the same page (or not). It would be nice that that was implied in all human interactions but that's not the case. You can of course behave that way anyway without implicitly stating the ethical bit, but they don't know that until they are told.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

I do take your point though... But I feel there are behaviours as I described above that ethical non-monogamists do, but non-monogamists may not

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By *electableicecream OP   Man
over a year ago

The West


"I guess it's about communicating that to partners so they understand that standard that you hold yourself to and therefore showing that you will treat them in an ethical manner. It can be a reassurance that you are both on the same page (or not). It would be nice that that was implied in all human interactions but that's not the case. You can of course behave that way anyway without implicitly stating the ethical bit, but they don't know that until they are told."

We can agree to do disagree on this. Anyone that I have developed enough of a connection to get involved with will already know enough about me too not have to be explicitly told that I am ethical so it's not a word I would use.

In the case of a couple it makes sense to me. For example there are a lot of single profiles on Feeld that are listed as ENM because they are part of a couple and don't identify as poly or swingers'.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

An interesting discussion.

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