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alternative horoscopes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The Real Horoscope: just for giggles

ARIES

You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.

TAURUS

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI

Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

CANCER

You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO

The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO

You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually gay and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA

You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO

You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS

You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN

You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS

You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES

You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

as a leo, i agree with the first bit

The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything.

The rest. Well as for living on welfare, I can safely say that my work pays for most of my local town to be on welfare. With that the IQ is not in question.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reinforces my belief that all horoscopes are a load of rubbish

I'm a Leo and yes I'm adventurous but none of the rest applies thank god I say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yikes better change my date if birth I am cancer would not like me at all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Yikes better change my date if birth I am cancer would not like me at all. "
lmao im gemini

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did the top thread just disappear?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yikes better change my date if birth I am cancer would not like me at all. lmao im gemini "
cheeky keeping away from you darling too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/01/13 17:03:08]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did the top thread just disappear? "
yes it did

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep. Mine is strange considering the chat i had with a site member yesterday scorpio btw

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im an aries ffs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this made me LOL !! haha cracker needed a laugh lol

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