FabSwingers.com forum: just for laughs,who has the best joke?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After both suffering depression for ages me & the wife decided on a suicide pact...But strangely enough,once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better...So I thought...Fuck it..Soldier on mate!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this giraffe and a zebra walked into a pub. the zebra was twisted and collapsed on the floor so the giraffe got pissed off and went to leave. the barman rushed over to the giraffe and said,

"sorry mate, you cant leave that lying there....."

to which the giraffe slurred...."thats not a lion, thats a zebra"

hahahahahahahaha ha

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ive accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles....my next crap could spell disaster!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if only all men were like mobile phones, you could.....

1. choose the package that appeals to you most,

2. pick the size and features you really wanted,

3. upgrade to a newer model after 12,18 or 24 months,

4. set them to vibrate at all times....and.....

5. put dem on silent mode when dey do your head in!!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ive accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles....my next crap could spell disaster!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After both suffering depression for ages me & the wife decided on a suicide pact...But strangely enough,once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better...So I thought...Fuck it..Soldier on mate!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

thts a good one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. It is important to find a woman that loves to have sex. And MOST importantly… It is important that these three women never meet.

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By *oantrimcpl2010Couple
over a year ago

Lisburn

Christmas day will be like anyother day for me......Sat at the table with a fat bird that doesnt gobble anymore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We live in an age of ADHD and VIAGRA... Before you know it the world will be full of a bunch of old men with hard-ons and the attention span of a squirrel. LOL

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Christmas day will be like anyother day for me......Sat at the table with a fat bird that doesnt gobble anymore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Superman is feeling really horny so decides to fly around the planet a few times to use up some energy.

As he's flying, he sees Wonderwoman laying spread eagle in the middle of a field. He thinks, hey I'm superman, I could fly in, hit that and fly away before she knows what happened. So he swoops down, pumps quick, and fluids away.

Wonderwoman says, what the hell was that and the invisible man replies, I have no idea but my ass is killing me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied – “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology –

all we did was correct his eyesight...”

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

My missus has asked for something in silk for christmas...

No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong fucking colour!

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop.I don't know how these bastards sleep at night.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop.I don't know how these bastards sleep at night."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are all jokes about women one-liners?

So men can understand them.

**********

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

**********

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?

Because they've forgotten what happened.

**********

What does it mean when a man is laying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?

She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough.

**********

Why did God create man first?

Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

**********

What do you give a man who has everything?

Answer 1) Penicillin.

Answer 2) A woman to show him how to work it.

**********

How many men does it take to screw-in a light bulb?

One. He just holds the bulb up to the light fitting and waits for the room to revolve around him.

**********

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

**********

Did you hear about the husband who bought a tube of lubricating jelly, saying he was really going to satisfy his wife?

He was right. She smeared it on the bedroom doorknob.

**********

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?

**********

When is the safest time for sex?

When your boyfriend's away on business.

**********

Why do men get married?

So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.

**********

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because they're wet and wild when they come and they take your car and house when they leave.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop.I don't know how these bastards sleep at night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Men look at a woman's behind and go "Oh! What an ass!" Women look at a man's face and go "Oh! What an ass!"

lol!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the moment the best joke is Arsene Wenger and Arsenal lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bus driver asks boy, "why are you carrying a cat?!" the boy says, "this morning i heard my dad tell my mum, "I'm gonna eat that pussy!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"At the moment the best joke is Arsene Wenger and Arsenal lol

no footy tslk you lol

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By *araMan
over a year ago

dont get your viagra and tipex mixed up or you will have one huge correction lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"At the moment the best joke is Arsene Wenger and Arsenal lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my new Indian girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial I nearly came on the spot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How Fucking embarrassing....

My wife wandered round the house completely nude with the curtains open for all to see...

Now the neighbours will think i married her for her money....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/12/12 19:59:57]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Man lying in bed with his new Thai wife,She keeps stroking his willy. he says " Do you really like my willy that much"? "No" she replies i just miss mine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?

A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay ?

A: They don't have time.

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?

A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?

A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?

A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew."

lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An old man and old woman are getting ready for bed one night when the woman comes out of the bathroom and whips open her robe and shouts "super pussy" to which the man replies I'll have the soup please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dear noel edmonds send me 100k or i'll tell everyone u wanked me off on swap shop

deal or no deal????

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By *anSusieCouple
over a year ago

Midlothian

Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier. "Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you." She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me. "Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen."She said, "I'm a nun, you cunt."

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Paddy says to Murphy. 'Oh bejeazus! Have you heard de news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to der deaths!'

'Unber-feckin-leevable' said Murphy. I can't believe dey all had de same name!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello sexy and what can I do for you tonight?". Paddy replies "Do you see that sofa you're lying on""Yes" she replies. Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide" "Sure sexy. But why". She says. Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the fuckin remote.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol class sugar

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," & fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman & says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?" The Policeman chuckles & replies, "He sure did!""Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/12/12 21:38:23]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. He said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, well she used to take it on the chin but to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits now!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations,just had one woman from the sperm bank,fuck me did i give her a mouthful!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The nurse in the Kate Middleton saga has actually turned up alive and well!!

How's that for a practical joke you Ozzie fucks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations,just had one woman from the sperm bank,fuck me did i give her a mouthful!"

haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is there no phonebooks in china ????. There are so many wings and wongs u mite winga wong numba .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol boom absolute cracker!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If use all want a good laugh go and look in a mirror

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman tells her friend. "My husband is an angel." The friend replies, "you're lucky, mine is still alive"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

.......why is a christmas tree better than a man??? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what

they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The fog out there is amazing...I tried to catch some in a jar, but i mist!buddum bumm chuuuu

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