FabSwingers.com forum: Post your favourite joke.

By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

After coming down with a good dose of man flu. Im stuck in bed feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully my wonderful fellow fabbers can help cheer me up?

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

Whats the definition of indefinitely?

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

When your balls are slapping of her ass, you're indefinitely

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

"Whats the definition of indefinitely?"

When her balls touch your fanny it's indefinitely

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"Whats the definition of indefinitely?

When her balls touch your fanny it's indefinitely"

Whatever you're into lad

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By *asual777Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

I can only assume that was a typo

What’s the difference between the jam and earth wind and fire ?

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"I can only assume that was a typo

What’s the difference between the jam and earth wind and fire ? "

I dunno shout?

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

"I can only assume that was a typo

What’s the difference between the jam and earth wind and fire ? "

No idea...

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

Well ya can't marmalade your cock up a woman's arse!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When your balls are slapping of her ass, you're indefinitely

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By *asual777Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

"I can only assume that was a typo

What’s the difference between the jam and earth wind and fire ?

No idea...

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

Well ya can't marmalade your cock up a woman's arse!

Same joke !

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By *adhatter and coCouple
over a year ago

Middle of mayo n peaceful tranquility

What has premature ejaculation and hide and go seek got in common. "READY OR NOT, HERE I COME"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Manchester United

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"Manchester United "

I nearly posted that earlier

YNWA

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"What has premature ejaculation and hide and go seek got in common. "READY OR NOT, HERE I COME"... "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Manchester United

I nearly posted that earlier

YNWA

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By *amesd1114Man
over a year ago

Dublin

What's long, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermit The Frog's fingers!

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By *amesd1114Man
over a year ago

Dublin

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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By *ome_wild_girlWoman
over a year ago

Antrim Town

What did one snowman say to the other?

Can you smell carrots?

I'll show myself the door.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between an Ass.., an Egg.. and a good ride ?

You can beat an ass and an egg

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By *elfastblondMan
over a year ago

Belfast

What type of Bees produce milk? Boobies

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By *usyatminMan
over a year ago

Wicklow, Wexford, Dublin and Carlow

James Bond books into the Ritz Carlton, it’s late in the evening and the porter carries his bags up to his room. He tips the porter, closes the door and decides he’ll pop down to the bar for a little night cap, so he changes into some suitable evening attire and makes his way downstairs. He’s sitting there at the bar, sipping a vodka martini - shaken. Not stirred when the most beautiful woman in the world sits down two stools away from him. James Bond, being the magnet he is, the woman leans over and breaks the ice. “ Excuse me. Could you tell me the time please? “

“ Certainly. “ He replies and pulls back his sleeve to reveal a big fuck off watch. It can change the guidance systems on nuclear weapons, cut through steel bars,... it’s a James Bond watch. It can do anything.

“ My, my, ‘ the lady says, ‘ that’s a fancy watch! “

“ Yes. ‘ he replies, ‘ my firm made it for me. It tells me things. “

Intrigued. The woman asks “ What do you mean? ‘ It tells you things ‘. “

“ It picks up little vibrations and it tells me things. “ He tells her.

He takes a little sip of his vodka martini. The lady looks confused so he pulls back his sleeve, looks at his watch and explains, “ For example. The vibrations it’s picking up just now. It tells me you’re wearing no underwear. “

The woman blushes and laughs “ Oh, but I am. I am. “

James Bond is utterly confused and examines his watch. Taps the face then the penny drops.

“ Oh. My apologies. It’s an hour fast. Would you like a drink... “

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"James Bond books into the Ritz Carlton, it’s late in the evening and the porter carries his bags up to his room. He tips the porter, closes the door and decides he’ll pop down to the bar for a little night cap, so he changes into some suitable evening attire and makes his way downstairs. He’s sitting there at the bar, sipping a vodka martini - shaken. Not stirred when the most beautiful woman in the world sits down two stools away from him. James Bond, being the magnet he is, the woman leans over and breaks the ice. “ Excuse me. Could you tell me the time please? “

“ My, my, ‘ the lady says, ‘ that’s a fancy watch! “

“ Yes. ‘ he replies, ‘ my firm made it for me. It tells me things. “

Intrigued. The woman asks “ What do you mean? ‘ It tells you things ‘. “

“ It picks up little vibrations and it tells me things. “ He tells her.

The woman blushes and laughs “ Oh, but I am. I am. “

James Bond is utterly confused and examines his watch. Taps the face then the penny drops.

“ Oh. My apologies. It’s an hour fast. Would you like a drink... “"

That's brilliant. Fair play for sharing. Must of felt like you were typing the bible out there

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By *ichael McCarthyMan
over a year ago

Lucan

An explorer is walking through the jungle when he comes to a clearing in the forest. In the middle is sitting a pygmy on top of a dead rhinoceros, the biggest rhino the explorer has ever seen. He approaches the pygmy and asks what happened to the rhino.

"Oh I killed him" says the little fella.

"You killed him?" says the explorer, "but he's enormous and you're tiny! How the fuck did you kill him?"

"Ah sure, I killed him with my club" the little fella says.

"Jesus", says the explorer, "it must be a fucking huge club?"

"Oh it is" says the pygmy "sure there's 200 of us in it!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ordered a chicken and an a egg off Amazon… I’ll let you know which comes first

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By *ig A300Man
over a year ago

North. love to chat please.

Whats the difference between a Bonus and a penis...?

Your Wife will blow your Bonus

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"Whats the difference between a Bonus and a penis...?

Your Wife will blow your Bonus

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

Whats the difference between a priest and acne.....

Acne doesn't cum on your face until your 16

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By *irdman21Man
over a year ago

dublin

Cops knocked on my door the other day,

Excuse me sir your dog is After been chasing some guy on a bike...

I says he couldnt have been my dog doesnt have a bike

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"Cops knocked on my door the other day,

Excuse me sir your dog is After been chasing some guy on a bike...

I says he couldnt have been my dog doesnt have a bike

Lolz

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By *he James gangCouple
over a year ago

NEWTOWNABBEY

What's the difference in an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between your job and your wife ?....after 20 years your job still sucks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police arrived at my door on morning

Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a bus.

It's true I said, but she's great with kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

Please scroll down!

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is my all time favourite

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:

‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.

The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.

The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’

The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.’

‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….

..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’

The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’

The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’

The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’

The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’

The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’

‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.

‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’

After a short pause. The rabbit said…

‘Mixin-me-toasties.’

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By *ensualnFunCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

"A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

Please scroll down!

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

The James Bond watch joke was superb; very witty!

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By *errardNo8 OP Man
over a year ago

Galway/Mayo

"A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

Please scroll down!

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....

"
qoooow absolutely brilliant.

Brave person too lol

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By *ameswXXXMan
over a year ago

Killarney

O ya u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Check out joke section in scotish thread..

See if you like the old french man out walking joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What have a frozen beer, a pregnant woman and a burnt pizza got in common??

They were all caused by someone leaving it in too long

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By *rank7737Man
over a year ago

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi' jam in lol

Shit joke i know haha

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By *ardyboy54321Man
over a year ago

Fermanagh

Teacher asks her class."can anyone tell me the name of Robin hood's girlfriend?

Little paddy raises his hand and says" yes miss its Trudy Glen"

"No paddy the answer is maid Marion"

But miss "what about the song?" Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen!"

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By *onnrodMan
over a year ago

moira

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers

My wife said "you bloody spoil those dogs...."

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By *Sparkie.Man
over a year ago

Ratoath

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nod to the earlier James Bond joke

... Ahh Mr Bond we've been expecting you.

Sorry i'm late i couldn't get any petrol.

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By *adhatter and coCouple
over a year ago

Middle of mayo n peaceful tranquility

Was just getting into bed last night and the wife said"did you put the wheelie bin out", oh I forgot I replied, I will do it in the morning, what about the cat she said,,, i said, ok well I can ask him, but I don't think he really will be able to push it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Arsenal

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By *ka ..Agent k ..Man
over a year ago

Two wives go out for a girlie's night out.

Both get d*unk and start walking home and had to stop for a pee (as you do

)

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties and the other grabed a wreath of a grave

Next Morning one husband called the other and said, no more girlie's nights out that's it!

My wife came home with no panties." The other husband said you think that's bad ,mine came back with a card in her crack that read, Fondest Memories from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.

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By *adhatter and coCouple
over a year ago

Middle of mayo n peaceful tranquility

If mosquito nets were used more in South Africa it would save millions of mosquitos dying needlessly from aids every year.

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By *he James gangCouple
over a year ago

NEWTOWNABBEY

Ken Dodd's dad's dogs dead!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a midget says “your hair smells nice” is that sexual harassment?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dwarf that walked into a whorehouse?

He got a box in the face

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