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By *asual777 OP   Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

I am hoping to be educated here as my BDSM knowledge is non existent . Whilst I have zero interest in the practice , I have always been fascinated by the dynamics . In Normal People Marianne takes part In masochistic practice largely because of her dysfunctional upbringing . She has very little self worth so having pain inflicted on her (by someone with psychopathic tendencies) feels natural . How do you check that your partner’s BDSM tendencies are not dysfunctional and do not require a therapist instead ? I have read many profiles of doms and subs and they seem very well presented and laid out with very few red flags but i am keen to know more

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

I'm sure that just by actually talking to someone before you take part in any of the activities would be important to set boundaries and limitations as well as showing up any red flags about someone's well being.

I would think there is a lot less people who have been brought up in a dysfunctional situation would actually want to let themselves be hurt like that again by anyone. In fact most would go out of their way to avoid it,and anyone be it a dom or domme who would carry on with someone who has issues like that is a disgrace.

The dynamic of it is built on trust and communication .It's a pity more don't seem to realise that .You can see it from reading profiles on here that a lot don't understand it at all.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

And just watching Normal people was an exercise in BDSM in itself

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By *asual777 OP   Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

Was a big fan but the book is much much better

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of


"And just watching Normal people was an exercise in BDSM in itself "

Id say fifty shades of grey is lesson 2 or 3

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Was a big fan but the book is much much better "

I lost interest in the book after a couple of chapters.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BDSM is not just black and white there are sooo many different flavours to it. I've been in the BDSM scene (if you could call it that) for years and have learned a lot from some lovely people.

I've done some pretty stupid and risky things in my early days because I didn't know what I was doing. Thankfully I've never had a bad experience.

Trust is key really, you need to build that with your partner. One thing to be aware of is when it comes to ropework you can cause temporary or permanent nerve damage if you don't know what you're doing. It's easily avoided but if an amateur suggests rope suspension that's a nope... I suppose like anything a bit edgy it's best to do some research, talk to some people etc.

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By *asual777 OP   Man
over a year ago

i travel all over


"Was a big fan but the book is much much better

I lost interest in the book after a couple of chapters. "

It was kinda left hanging in the programme but in the book I love how it acknowledges that both of their self loathing lessened through meeting each other and that was enough

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By *ewbiroshMan
over a year ago

Dublin 22

Don’t use cable ties or peal bananas ??

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

south side

A lot of our sexual and erotic preferences are established in our early developmental years. Sometimes we don't know why we are drawn to a particular kink or fetish, or bdsm, but we like it all the same. And some people find it irresistible, addictive maybe. It's good to explore why we behave like this. Shame, guilt, early erotic experiences all shape our sexuality. It's good to explore either in a therapeutic environment, or with a consenting play partner. It's our shadow, it leaks out whether we like it or not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's our shadow, it leaks out...."

Absolutely brilliant observation and well described. So perceptive.

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By *ts artMan
over a year ago

Londonderry


"I'm sure that just by actually talking to someone before you take part in any of the activities would be important to set boundaries and limitations as well as showing up any red flags about someone's well being.

I would think there is a lot less people who have been brought up in a dysfunctional situation would actually want to let themselves be hurt like that again by anyone. In fact most would go out of their way to avoid it,and anyone be it a dom or domme who would carry on with someone who has issues like that is a disgrace.

The dynamic of it is built on trust and communication .It's a pity more don't seem to realise that .You can see it from reading profiles on here that a lot don't understand it at all.

"
excellent points well said

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By *oft_sexy_sweetWoman
over a year ago

Dublin

Lots of people have vanilla sexual habits and tastes that stem from a dysfunctional past, and many people perform physically risky vanilla sexual acts frequently.

To imply that there is a link between damaged people and BDSM - on a swingers site no less - is both incorrect and insulting.

In any event to answer your question - the deep seated mental conditioning of your sexual partners is not your responsibility. It's not for you to question someone's entitlement to engage in a sexual act they enjoy or their reasons for enjoyment. As long as they are enthusiastically consenting, and you are treating them well, you can go ahead and presume they can look after themselves mentally even if they like to be spanked.

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By *uckypuppy007Woman
over a year ago

dublin


"Lots of people have vanilla sexual habits and tastes that stem from a dysfunctional past, and many people perform physically risky vanilla sexual acts frequently.

To imply that there is a link between damaged people and BDSM - on a swingers site no less - is both incorrect and insulting.

In any event to answer your question - the deep seated mental conditioning of your sexual partners is not your responsibility. It's not for you to question someone's entitlement to engage in a sexual act they enjoy or their reasons for enjoyment. As long as they are enthusiastically consenting, and you are treating them well, you can go ahead and presume they can look after themselves mentally even if they like to be spanked. "

what she said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d say it’s a lesson in How NOT to do it

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By *asual777 OP   Man
over a year ago

i travel all over


"Lots of people have vanilla sexual habits and tastes that stem from a dysfunctional past, and many people perform physically risky vanilla sexual acts frequently.

To imply that there is a link between damaged people and BDSM - on a swingers site no less - is both incorrect and insulting.

In any event to answer your question - the deep seated mental conditioning of your sexual partners is not your responsibility. It's not for you to question someone's entitlement to engage in a sexual act they enjoy or their reasons for enjoyment. As long as they are enthusiastically consenting, and you are treating them well, you can go ahead and presume they can look after themselves mentally even if they like to be spanked. "

I actually agree largely , and ‘my’ question was actually posed by Sally Rooney not me . I agree that there are many people who do vanilla stuff which are risky for example risking STIs, or emotional hurt. However I will qualify , that it is always our choice of not responsibility (perhaps that can be teased out in another thread ) to not engage with someone if their consent appeared to arise from a very dysfunctional place , and sometimes that can take a while to work out .

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By *m_impact_playMan
over a year ago

Dublin


"Lots of people have vanilla sexual habits and tastes that stem from a dysfunctional past, and many people perform physically risky vanilla sexual acts frequently.

To imply that there is a link between damaged people and BDSM - on a swingers site no less - is both incorrect and insulting.

In any event to answer your question - the deep seated mental conditioning of your sexual partners is not your responsibility. It's not for you to question someone's entitlement to engage in a sexual act they enjoy or their reasons for enjoyment. As long as they are enthusiastically consenting, and you are treating them well, you can go ahead and presume they can look after themselves mentally even if they like to be spanked. "

Maybe the subject deserves a podcast episode ???

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

It's not anyone else's business why different stuff turns other people on. The "why" doesn't matter.

Your jigsaw pieces either fit together or they don't

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By *ts artMan
over a year ago

Londonderry


"It's not anyone else's business why different stuff turns other people on. The "why" doesn't matter.

Your jigsaw pieces either fit together or they don't "

"Your kink isn't my kink and that's ok"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bdsm is an umbrella term for lots of kink based activities and lifestyles. The best book or TV show in the world cannot explain what or how you will feel if you experience one of these activities because how you have grown up and evolved emotionally and sexually is unique to you.

If you get two subby boys of the same age, upbringing and experience level and give them a consensual kick in the balls they will both experience it differently even if they both find pleasure in it ultimately.

The same goes for any two tops and let's say a spanking. It might set ones blood on fire but leave the other cold.

Bondage and Discipline. Dominance and submission. Sadism and masochism. These are the main three disciplines or activity groups in BDSM. Some people pick a little from the BD pot, they might take a chunk of Ds cos it tastes good for them and maybe leave the S/m pot alone because it's not their thing. Some people want a lot of S/m and B/D but no D/s. They just want the sensations.

The important things to remember about BDSM are:

Respect, Consent, and Communication.

Your level of intimacy and danger are yours and yours alone to decide. (Even in consensual non consent relationships)

I would advise you to dabble a little. There are an infinite amount of variations and combinations of things you can do that I believe BDSM really is appropriate most people but they are scared away by the extremes. It's not all gimp masks, begging and chastity belts.

Find someone experienced who can guide you no matter if you are potentially a top or a bottom. Take baby steps. Learn.

It's fun and light hearted or it can be the most intense emotional experience of your life. You choose

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By *exyfoxWoman
over a year ago

mid ulster

I found myself in a bdsm opportunity a few years ago and while a beginner snd no issues in my life .. a normal life ..normal person . No issues to work through but life three me an opportunity and I easily stepped into bdsm I found myself naturally submissive and find the bdsm lifestyle can be really rewarding for all concerned but it is about knowing who you are and knowing who you are involved with ..

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By *ts artMan
over a year ago

Londonderry


"I found myself in a bdsm opportunity a few years ago and while a beginner snd no issues in my life .. a normal life ..normal person . No issues to work through but life three me an opportunity and I easily stepped into bdsm I found myself naturally submissive and find the bdsm lifestyle can be really rewarding for all concerned but it is about knowing who you are and knowing who you are involved with .."

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