FabSwingers.com forum: The other side of the story

By *asual777 OP Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

The narrative of the ‘cheating husband’ is conspicuous by its absence so thought I d address this .

I suppose like many in the same position things have changed enormously in the marriage over the years . Whilst there is so much good , the intimacy aspect has waned slowly over the years and with it like many others my needs to feel validated/desired have become increasingly unfulfilled .

I was faced with two options . Please note we have had many conversations and therapy has been dismissed .

1. Not pursue other outlets: and become increasingly resentful

2. Pursue other options , like fab. Risk STIs (managed risk), getting caught (managed risk), falling for someone else (unlikely when you’re married to someone wonderful in so many ways including as a mother , despite her waning desire for you ).

I chose 2. Personally I am not sure option 1 was really an option long term . It’s easy to state that my mental health would not have been up to it and use that as an excuse , but it’s true I sincerely believe .

I am getting closer to explicitly stating that I need to compartmentalise the sex part. Not there yet .

Some will read this and think ‘scum’. Maybe true but always a little more complex when you hear the other side of the story ....

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

Option 3.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and have her agree to you being satisfied elsewhere

Option 4.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and if you can't come to an arrangement then you are fundamentally incompatible and so agree to seperate.

Don't betray youe loved one. It's not necessary. Keep your integrity and be upfront about fixing the issue together, or being apart.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

Communicate your feelings, ambitions, frustrations, fantasies; you might find that your waning relationship moves up a notch or two onto another plane (of consciousness).

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By *asual777 OP Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

Sorry Just to be clear . Wanted the narrative out there . Definitely not looking for advice . Option 3 as I said is what I am looking to progressing towards . 4 isn’t happening . Kids thriving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jeez..what to say...well l think its totally wrong that a person can deprive someone of something they love simply because they think they can or its ok to do so..its selfish..yes l fully understand how things can go in a marraige but the " well lm not interested so you have to go without too " attitude is wrong..on both sides if thats the situation...whats the solution ?.. totally depends on circumstances of course but life is so short and if either side love sex and are being denied it well then its time to move cause you dont want to reach a stage in your life and regret missing out on something you love because you let someone else make that decision for you.

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

"Sorry Just to be clear . Wanted the narrative out there . Definitely not looking for advice . Option 3 as I said is what I am looking to progressing towards . 4 isn’t happening . Kids thriving. "

Well no.. your option was talking about not being caught cheating etc. That's fundamentally different to my option where you get agreement from her that you get sex elsewhere.

You can do this without betraying the person in your life who trusts you most.

Also many many kids continue to thrive with coparents who live separate lives. Mine do. At least that way they see both their parents acting with integrity and don't catch them in disloyalty. That's a path to dysfunction.

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By *oft_sexy_sweetWoman
over a year ago

Dublin

The concept of my life partner coming onto a web forum to discuss the best way to cheat on me and get absolution from a bunch of strangers is stomach turning. Possibly worse than actually cheating.

You can't have it all ways. You can't cheat AND be the good guy. If you're gonna do it, at least own up to that. Lots of people go years, lifetimes even without sex by choice or otherwise. If you wanna stay the good guy you can choose to accept that, or be honest, or leave.

But the fact that you're not prepared to hurt your kids over it by leaving but you're fine with hurting your wife by cheating? This just shows that your resentment doesn't come from deprivation, it comes from entitlement.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck with this one mate

Batten down the hatches

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"The concept of my life partner coming onto a web forum to discuss the best way to cheat on me and get absolution from a bunch of strangers is stomach turning. Possibly worse than actually cheating.

Cheating also hurts the kids far more so than their parents just splitting up. It leaves them with a lifetime of issues that they may never fully recover from .

Just be aware OP the consequences u potentially face if you are ever caught the fallout affects far more than just your poor wife

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"Option 3.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and have her agree to you being satisfied elsewhere

Option 4.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and if you can't come to an arrangement then you are fundamentally incompatible and so agree to seperate.

Don't betray youe loved one. It's not necessary. Keep your integrity and be upfront about fixing the issue together, or being apart.

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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

"I want to have my cake and eat it."

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By *andytownMan
over a year ago

Gods Own Country

The best option EVER is to NOT post a status on a public forum discussing such personal information.

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By *issLipsandhipsWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere

"Option 3.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and have her agree to you being satisfied elsewhere

Option 4.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and if you can't come to an arrangement then you are fundamentally incompatible and so agree to seperate.

Don't betray youe loved one. It's not necessary. Keep your integrity and be upfront about fixing the issue together, or being apart.

This

Ps. If your wife KNEW you were cheating (which is what it is) then she could make her choice to stay (and work on it) or leave.

You aren't giving her any options herself therefore, it's all on your terms. Which is extremely selfish.

Sorry OP.....

I understand you are frustrated but you can't disrespect the mother of your children in that way.

* my two cents

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By *razyredheadWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

I don't know whether you hoped to get approval or catharsis or simply a pity fuck from posting this.

You do you, but for those of us who won't play with people without their partner's consent, we don't need to know your reasons. I have my reasons for making that choice & it's nobody's business what those reasons are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Am with you Op.

Option 2 is best and I understand where you are coming from.

You love your wife but want sex. Normal. You want to stay with her but she may not agree to open relationship. Understood. So:don't tell her.

Pay no heed to those who harp on about "integrity" or " cheating". It's your wife who changed the agreement, not you, by going off sex. Try and understand her reasons and see what can be done to get her interested again but, if not possible, play away but be careful and don't get caught. You cannot hurt her if she doesn't know and you are able in your own mind to compartimenalise what you are doing. Many people, mostly men, can easily do this-it's just sex- but many cannot: especially women as they are more driven by their feelings and emotions. There is much much more to a happy marriage than just sex. It can be so over-rated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sorry Just to be clear . Wanted the narrative out there . Definitely not looking for advice . Option 3 as I said is what I am looking to progressing towards . 4 isn’t happening . Kids thriving.

Well no.. your option was talking about not being caught cheating etc. That's fundamentally different to my option where you get agreement from her that you get sex elsewhere.

You can do this without betraying the person in your life who trusts you most.

Brave post OP.

My only response is re option4 since I can relate to it personally.

Kids can thrive through, despite of and in some cases because of seperation. Of course there will be a bumpy patch but life is full of change and challenge.

Parenting is all about communicating and supporting them through it, which is a lot easier done in an atmosphere of openness and honesty.

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By *ensualandslow321Man
over a year ago

Tullamore

"Option 3.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and have her agree to you being satisfied elsewhere

Option 4.

Be honest with her that you can't live without sex and if you can't come to an arrangement then you are fundamentally incompatible and so agree to seperate.

Don't betray youe loved one. It's not necessary. Keep your integrity and be upfront about fixing the issue together, or being apart.

Option 3 worked for me. Took a few years for me to confront the issue but I did about 5 years ago and we are both a lot happier since. Celibacy is not for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 17:58:03]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Good luck with this one mate

Batten down the hatches"

Hahaha.

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By *aid backMan
over a year ago

by a lake with my rod out

Do you miss intimacy and validation? Is that why you set up a couple's profile with someone to meet other couples ? You need multiple partners for intimacy ? And validation ? Or are you just talking bollox and trying to justify cheating??

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

I’m not sure what your reasoning is to post this surly your not going to get a pat on the back for your way thinking.

So op but the kids card rattles me. I can’t leave cause of my kids?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Or are you just talking bollox and trying to justify cheating??".

Op. You were warned to batten down the hatches. Just ignore unwanted unnecessary attention seeking comments like above.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you tried to find out why has sex life slowed down? Is there a way to fix it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

True story...

I met a guy about 7 years ago on here who spun the exact same story. Funny outgoing fella who had the gift of the fab and nearly fell hook, line & sinker for the sob story until he was telling what he thought was a funny story....

His mother-in-law was minding his kids and was looking for something that was supposed to be in his bedroom. She opened the wife's bedside locker and found their sex toys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So you were on a thread this week talking about how high a risk people on here having unprotected sex was and that you felt it was OK to criticise that.

I assume you have told your wife she is no longer in a monogamous sexual relationship (regardless of the minimum intimacy unless its absolute zero and you will refuse any advances she makes) so that she can safely manage her sexual health and risk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well…. That escalated rather quickly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Regularly does with all the gremlins waiting to pounce

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Regularly does with all the gremlins waiting to pounce

That’s not what I meant.

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of

Thing is nobody was asking for 'the other side of the story' (besides that we've actually only heard one side of the story) nor do we need to know. There's no absolution to be gained on the public fab forum quite contrary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheating is cheating, whether here to keep options etc, you are doing it behind partners back, that makes you a cheater and a dickhead in my book. If you arent happy move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m married, happily as well. My wife knows I’m having fun elsewhere because it was her idea. Her libido has take a dive in recent years (medical reasons) and until such time when it picks up, she suggest I play elsewhere. I agree that it’s all about communication

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

"I’m married, happily as well. My wife knows I’m having fun elsewhere because it was her idea. Her libido has take a dive in recent years (medical reasons) and until such time when it picks up, she suggest I play elsewhere. I agree that it’s all about communication "

It really feels like the best solution to the issue if you can make this work as a couple. I would be SO proud of my wife if she was able to agree to this during a time when her physical needs were different. It really shows that she understands you and prioritises your needs, and you guys are going to work through the difficult times together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m really lucky that way. She said it was partly because it had been so long and knew how high my drive can be, but mainly because I didn’t make her feel bad about it and I didn’t pressure her in any way and I didn’t cheat on her.

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By *razyredheadWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The narrative of the ‘cheating husband’ is conspicuous by its absence so thought I d address this .

I was faced with two options . Please note we have had many conversations and therapy has been dismissed .

1. Not pursue other outlets: and become increasingly resentful

I am getting closer to explicitly stating that I need to compartmentalise the sex part. Not there yet .

Some will read this and think ‘scum’. Maybe true but always a little more complex when you hear the other side of the story ....

You said therapy was ruled out and you have decided option 2 is best. But have you thought about going to a therapist regardless yourself without your wifes knowledge.....or are you worried that their answers wont suit you? Im not attacking you but nothing only good can come from a professionals advice

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By *ofusplusCouple
over a year ago

Limerick

Sounds like an amazing relationship (and wife) that you have

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

Old bog road

This is a common theme on all the Fab forums. Thank you for raising it, as you're voicing the stories of many Irish men. However, I find it counterproductive, as in general, you'll get unsupportive responses. Many people here on the Irish forum respond with moral outrage, rather than logical rational thinking, and dare I say it, sympathy and empathy. If you post this subject in the UK or French forum, the responses are more helpful and understanding. Best of luck in your relationship. I could think of many solutions, but won't offer them here. The bigger question is.. Why does sexual desire diminish in couples relationships.?

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I always find it curious that some people in this very thread have commented on previous threads about people meeting during lockdown and claimed that what others do is none of their concern. That they should be allowed to live and let live.

Strange that

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By *ofusplusCouple
over a year ago

Limerick

"This is a common theme on all the Fab forums. Thank you for raising it, as you're voicing the stories of many Irish men. However, I find it counterproductive, as in general, you'll get unsupportive responses. Many people here on the Irish forum respond with moral outrage, rather than logical rational thinking, and dare I say it, sympathy and empathy. If you post this subject in the UK or French forum, the responses are more helpful and understanding. Best of luck in your relationship. I could think of many solutions, but won't offer them here. The bigger question is.. Why does sexual desire diminish in couples relationships.? "

Your last question is one which many don't delve into properly. There is always a (fixable) reason, it doesn't just happen 'naturally'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant praiseworthy response.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have seen these threads over many years in the UK forum and the opinion there is as divided. Yes there are many more defenders but that's soley due to the numbers kn the forum itself.

To infer that people who believe that lying and cheating in your spouse are illogical, irrational and lack sympathy or compassion is a little self indulgent to your own point of view.

There are many sides to every argument and issue but just because you view your outlook as more enlightened doesn't always make it so

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/07/21 17:40:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I always find it curious that some people in this very thread have commented on previous threads about people meeting during lockdown and claimed that what others do is none of their concern. That they should be allowed to live and let live.

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality "

I mean everyone's morals are by definition a pic n mix

We all have different ideas of what's morally acceptable and what isn't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jeez..what to say...well l think its totally wrong that a person can deprive someone of something they love simply because they think they can or its ok to do so..its selfish..yes l fully understand how things can go in a marraige but the " well lm not interested so you have to go without too " attitude is wrong..on both sides if thats the situation...whats the solution ?.. totally depends on circumstances of course but life is so short and if either side love sex and are being denied it well then its time to move cause you dont want to reach a stage in your life and regret missing out on something you love because you let someone else make that decision for you."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality

I mean everyone's morals are by definition a pic n mix

We all have different ideas of what's morally acceptable and what isn't "

Indeed, however there's little live and let live displayed anytime this subject rears its head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality

I mean everyone's morals are by definition a pic n mix

We all have different ideas of what's morally acceptable and what isn't

Indeed, however there's little live and let live displayed anytime this subject rears its head "

I would say there is always a mix of opinions.

I would also day that these thread are by enlarge started by married people.

Once the thread is started people give their opinion.

I'd agree with you if it was constantly couples or singles bringing the subject up.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality

I mean everyone's morals are by definition a pic n mix

We all have different ideas of what's morally acceptable and what isn't

Indeed, however there's little live and let live displayed anytime this subject rears its head

I would say there is always a mix of opinions.

I would also day that these thread are by enlarge started by married people.

Once the thread is started people give their opinion.

I'd agree with you if it was constantly couples or singles bringing the subject up."

You're missing the point totally.

People who have commented on this thread and others have also commented on other unrelated threads about other subjects but certainly in relation to people meeting during lockdown.

They were very vocal about no one having the right on fab to judge others and that what others do is of no concern whatsoever to them. They also said it was ridiculous how quick others were to jump on a thread to have a dig at people for meeting despite covid restrictions and that it should always be live and let live. And yet here we are once more....

The subject of the thread is irrelevant. It's the hypocrisy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strange that

Pic n Mix morality

I mean everyone's morals are by definition a pic n mix

We all have different ideas of what's morally acceptable and what isn't

Indeed, however there's little live and let live displayed anytime this subject rears its head

I would say there is always a mix of opinions.

I would also day that these thread are by enlarge started by married people.

Once the thread is started people give their opinion.

I'd agree with you if it was constantly couples or singles bringing the subject up.

You're missing the point totally.

People who have commented on this thread and others have also commented on other unrelated threads about other subjects but certainly in relation to people meeting during lockdown.

The subject of the thread is irrelevant. It's the hypocrisy.

I got your point. That's why I replied to the other poster just about the pic n mix morality.

I'd have to see the actual end and context to comment on that.

Like for example if someone started a thread having a go at married people I'd possibly tell them to mind their own business. But when someone posts a justification on a public forum I feel OK to post on it.

So I can see potential hypocrisy but also how people might have different outlooks depending on context

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By *rcher42Man
over a year ago

Ennis

Honesty and integrity are important to me. You can live your life as you see fit but the hurt and damage that will be caused if you're found out will be catastrophic and it will be your fault because you lied. Also, maybe it doesn't matter but this is a swinging website and swinging falls under Ethical Non-Monogamy, ethical being the point. The conversation will be difficult and may result in the end of the relationship but maybe that's the best way forward for both your happiness.

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

Anyone who cheats knows what they doing no amount of trying to sweet talk you way by saying options or agreements. As a person you know what you are doing, you know it’s wrong the hurt your gonna cause to all concerned and yet it has to be justified. No I don’t walk in your shoes but you don’t need justification for this it’s your life your guilt

But cause others might not agree the tables get turned

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

Old bog road

The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *dfabMan
over a year ago

Dunboyne

I like my morals where I like knicker elastic. Loose!

Of course I'm biased, being a cheating bastard.

I do wonder though, how this relevance on the forum translates to the club scene?

From my relatively limited experience, if the club gets to the naked stage, glory holes, poles, beds, orgy, etc. I don't recall too many questions about marital status.

Maybe put yourself in your club mindset before answering next time.

Perhaps?

Maybe we went to different clubs

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues.... "

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

From what Ive heard its culturally normal in France, and not seen as the same life-shattering deception as it is here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

From what Ive heard its culturally normal in France, and not seen as the same life-shattering deception as it is here. "

I've heard so too, yet I'll bet there are just as many unhappy people there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/07/21 08:00:09]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

From what Ive heard its culturally normal in France, and not seen as the same life-shattering deception as it is here. "

Da ferries will be bustin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

I like how the women are still sluts though...

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By *ublinguy99Man
over a year ago

Dublin South

a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site"

Or..... and this is a fucking long shot... its how people feel about the subject?

But no your righto course.. people like filthy and caseylee defiantly need the help to get meets

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By *ublinguy99Man
over a year ago

Dublin South

"a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site

Or..... and this is a fucking long shot... its how people feel about the subject?

But no your righto course.. people like filthy and caseylee defiantly need the help to get meets

have i touched a raw nerve?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site

Or..... and this is a fucking long shot... its how people feel about the subject?

But no your righto course.. people like filthy and caseylee defiantly need the help to get meets

have i touched a raw nerve?"

Not at all. Do you have any actual response to the fact that your point was completely negated though?

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By *ublinguy99Man
over a year ago

Dublin South

"a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site

Or..... and this is a fucking long shot... its how people feel about the subject?

But no your righto course.. people like filthy and caseylee defiantly need the help to get meets

have i touched a raw nerve?

Not at all. Do you have any actual response to the fact that your point was completely negated though?"

just because you dont agree with it doesnt mean its negated. Why in your response did you feel the need to mention two other users?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a lot of the moralising being done on this post is being done by people who see it as an opportunity to make themselves appear more attractive in the context of the overall aims of this site

Or..... and this is a fucking long shot... its how people feel about the subject?

But no your righto course.. people like filthy and caseylee defiantly need the help to get meets

have i touched a raw nerve?

Not at all. Do you have any actual response to the fact that your point was completely negated though?

just because you dont agree with it doesnt mean its negated. Why in your response did you feel the need to mention two other users?"

Because they are two good examples of posters on this thread who clearly don't need to fake a stance to improve their chances in the overall aims of the site

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jeez Enough of the nitty picking. Quit yer silly bickering and nastiness and go out for some fresh air. If ya have nothing nice to say shut de f up!

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

I guess sometimes the guilt and self loathing can build a wall in the brain that stops rational thought and logic, and allows the kind of behaviour that wouldn't be in any way acceptable otherwise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jeez Enough of the nitty picking. Quit yer silly bickering and nastiness and go out for some fresh air. If ya have nothing nice to say shut de f up!

It is a fine soft day out

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of

"I guess sometimes the guilt and self loathing can build a wall in the brain that stops rational thought and logic, and allows the kind of behaviour that wouldn't be in any way acceptable otherwise."

I guess you mean posting this topic and needlessly exposing yourself to public fab bashing by the holier than holy super swingers.

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By *assie2019Couple
over a year ago

Kilkenny

Hey OP

I get where your coming from.

Sex and intimacy is a big part of a relationship. Have you tried talking to your wife about exoreing this side of things?

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By *asual777 OP Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

1. I have communicated on multiple occasions that I can’t live without sex . I have not yet been granted permission to look elsewhere .

2. I am never ever going to look for separation. We are , as parents , a very good team . The kids are happy , bright and Sociable.

3. I have frankly bored her with communicating my feelings desires fantasies .

4. I am not looking for absolution . My post is fairly clear . I am not looking to be the good guy. My post is fairly clear on that .

5. As I am not looking to be the good guy, and as I would not have stayed in the relationship had it not been for the kids I suspect , I am not looking to have my cake and eat it . I am looking to survive a complex situation Without risking impacting on the kids trajectory or my sanity .

6. Not posting was an option . Putting the other side of the story was a better one for me. Zero regrets .

7. I am not giving my wife options and that’s true , but she is giving me zero options too. No couples therapy , no open marriage , no visits to the gp to explore medical causes of a reducing libido . Celibacy is not an option . I know what I am like .

8. I don’t want to pity fuck. I have plenty of other forms to keep me busy.

9. If you don’t want to know my reasons don’t read my post .

10. Yes group meets give me validation . I said I miss feeling desired within the marriage . Group meets give me that over and over , over a period of 14/15/16 hours. Why would it matter to any poster what type of sex I had ? Group meets make falling for any single individual a lot less likely . And are a bloody good laugh. I leave full of enthusiasm to be the best co-parent, house mate, friend and colleague I can be , rather than a grumpy bloke wallowing Constantly ( I am avoiding using the term husband purposefully).

11. Thé kids card is not a card. It’s just that they do well with us . One of them is a mini-me whom I know how to soothe like no one else . Both love our contrasting but mutually additive parenting approaches .

12. I suspect peri menopause is why this is happening . I have talked about a gp visit a lot. I have not tried to stick on a HRT patch while she sleeps yet . I dream of this being addressed and me leaving here, despite the amazing people I meet and interact with on fab. It’s a dream becoming less likely to be realized by the day.

13. I am not spinning a story . We have no sex toys. Never had . After an adventurous start we moved into a very vanilla state . So vanilla even oral was largely off the table . I still dream of more frequent Uber vanilla marital sex . Even if still have to initiate all the time . And get rejected 340 days a year.

14. I didn’t criticise people who have bareback pics. I said it would lead to me being concerned about meeting with them and a concerned state doesn’t in me equate to being turned on. I get tested regularly . Never had a positive test . As you can see from all posted pics and video a condom is non negotiable .

15. Actually I try not to criticise because you don’t know how people feel after reading a critical post on here . I have started threads about a more kind fab. I am sure like everyone else though the odd post from me has made people feel shitty.

16. Nobody was asking for many thread topics . Should I run polls before I start a thread ? If you don’t like this thread stay away from it .

17. I am happy to be a dickhead as far as one poster Is concerned . Happy to have a longer conversation about my feelings about them if they d like .

18. Other people’s wives suggesting they play elsewhere is lovely and heart warming . It is not relevant or an option in my life. I will continue to try to make it a relevant option . I am glad the perfect scenario of a non pressuring husband being granted a green light to shag others exists elsewhere . I have tried talking, not talking , initiating , not initiating , read books , joined forums , individual therapy , the lot. No green light . I have given myself the green light. I have another quarter century all being well of amazing sex ahead of me and I am not dying with regrets. Is that entitlement ? Or a basic human need ?

19. I am hugely interested in why some posters get worked up. Some have obviously been affected by infidelity , and I am sorry if this post has brought this back for them but feel it’s important . There is however a sense also from what I can see of the ‘winning the argument’ type posts. I have zero interest in responding to that type of post. It’s Also a bit troll-y

20. I am fully aware of the consequences of being found out. I will ask you this though, do you have any data on what the Outcomes are for partners who want sex snd are denied it long term ? What do you think some of the poorer outcomes include ?

21. What ethical framework are you using ? Is it your opinion of infidelity ?

22. I am not sweet talking my way out of this . I ran out of options , for me, and chose the only path left : High risk high reward .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look I fundamentally disagree with alot of what you say above but rather than having a prolonged pointless back and forth as every point has been addressed what I would say is maybe consider deleting the above and editing out the more intimate details about your wife.

They don't need to be on a public forum. I'm sure you can agree that she deserves at least that level of privacy and respect as you said ye work well as a team for the kids etc...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

". I have not tried to stick on a HRT patch while she sleeps yet .

Also not sure if this part is ment to be a joke or a reply to a post I didn't see but yikes

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By *asual777 OP Man
over a year ago

i travel all over

". I have not tried to stick on a HRT patch while she sleeps yet .

Also not sure if this part is ment to be a joke or a reply to a post I didn't see but yikes"

You don’t know if that’s a joke or not !

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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago

on the hill NordWest of

Tbh I can't figure out your motivation to post so many private details on a public fab forum. It's not a healthy thing to do imo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

". I have not tried to stick on a HRT patch while she sleeps yet .

Also not sure if this part is ment to be a joke or a reply to a post I didn't see but yikes

You don’t know if that’s a joke or not ! "

Well yeah... im hoping your not seriously considering it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tbh I can't figure out your motivation to post so many private details on a public fab forum. It's not a healthy thing to do imo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tbh I can't figure out your motivation to post so many private details on a public fab forum. It's not a healthy thing to do imo.

Yes...l would agree ...it was once mentioned on a previous forum post where a question was asked and the poster got a direct reply on the forum along the lines of ..." asking such a personal question like that in a place like this "....if it really is troubling the OP he should discuss it with close friends or family and not faceless people/profiles of people he will probably never meet in real life..( that of course is not saying he wont get good advice here either its just too much of a personal issue l think for a public forum in a joint like fab )

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By *oft_sexy_sweetWoman
over a year ago

Dublin

Again... having the intimate details of my perceived failings as a partner laid out for a group of strangers on a sex site would be more of a betrayal than any cheating. This is an enormous, unforgiveable breach of privacy and trust. I hope she never finds out how callous you are.

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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

It's been an excellent read. I, for one, love these threads.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sorry Just to be clear . Wanted the narrative out there . Definitely not looking for advice . Option 3 as I said is what I am looking to progressing towards . 4 isn’t happening . Kids thriving.

Well no.. your option was talking about not being caught cheating etc. That's fundamentally different to my option where you get agreement from her that you get sex elsewhere.

You can do this without betraying the person in your life who trusts you most.

So true.. option 3 is what we both chose.. best decision of our lives..

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

Old bog road

This is an excellent thread. Multiple opinions. And the OP's long answer above is his choice to publish.

He is choosing a way to live, his life, his needs, his desires, his passions. His responsibility. And he is representative of many men in the same situation.. who don't talk about it to anyone. Can you imagine what that does to them over a lifetime?.

Yes, there are others involved, but I'm focusing solely on the OP and his situation.

If you want to be a voyeur for a bit, go over to Fabguys, and see the forum posts from so many men on this same topic, and how supportive those posters are of each other. For a broader world view watch podcasts by Esther Perel, and Suzanne Venker,.. Esther's advice to women.. " if you're not having sex with him, another woman will". To understand why men and women are biologically different, read Sex at Dawn, on swinging, polyamoury, promiscuity, sex, etc.

I now withdraw from the fray.

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By *ensualnFunCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

"The celebrated French author Veronique Ovalde wrote,

"Un homme prend une maitresse pour rester avec sa femme, tandis qu'une femme prend un amant pour quitter son mari"

(A man takes a mistress to stay with his wife, while a woman takes a lover to leave her husband.)

The conversation continues....

Awww. Cheating men are doing it for their wives. How thoughtful and kind of them.

But when it's written in French it's so much more sophisticated and liberal, no?

From what Ive heard its culturally normal in France, and not seen as the same life-shattering deception as it is here.

I've heard so too, yet I'll bet there are just as many unhappy people there"

I can assure you that cheating is cheating no matter what

And that looking else where when found out destroys as many lifes there as it does here.

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By *ensualnFunCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

This was not a judgment btw just a realignment of perception… made by a French person

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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

"He is choosing a way to live, his life, his needs, his desires, his passions. His responsibility. And he is representative of many men in the same situation.. who don't talk about it to anyone. Can you imagine what that does to them over a lifetime?

Not sure society needs more men making decisions that solely benefit themselves....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not sure society needs more men making decisions that solely benefit themselves.... "

Better than women making the decisions. Can you imagine!!-O

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By *rmrs1234Couple
over a year ago

Waterford

Not sure society needs more men making decisions that solely benefit themselves....

Better than women making the decisions. Can you imagine!!-O

indeed. it would be bliss. far better place imo

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By *issLipsandhipsWoman
over a year ago

middle of nowhere

"This is an excellent thread. Multiple opinions. And the OP's long answer above is his choice to publish.

Yes, there are others involved, but I'm focusing solely on the OP and his situation.

I now withdraw from the fray.

Or perhaps, instead of trying to justify your actions by listening to podcasts, Listen to yourself and the inner voice which is telling you it's wrong! He clearly knows he is giving in to instant gratification, otherwise he wouldn't be posting this thread!

One way or another his situation will come to a head.

He'll get caught, fall in love and leave her, or resent her having to do this and again, leave her.

These situations usually don't end well. It's clear they can't communicate their needs to each other and that in itself, is a receipe for disaster.

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By *ustustwo.1965Couple
over a year ago

"Sorry Just to be clear . Wanted the narrative out there . Definitely not looking for advice . Option 3 as I said is what I am looking to progressing towards . 4 isn’t happening . Kids thriving. "

The kids will still thrive without you there.

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By *ustustwo.1965Couple
over a year ago

"Again... having the intimate details of my perceived failings as a partner laid out for a group of strangers on a sex site would be more of a betrayal than any cheating. This is an enormous, unforgiveable breach of privacy and trust. I hope she never finds out how callous you are. "

Better still, she finds out.

She is far better off making her own decisions rather than a cheating husband deciding that she can't have that choice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fuck me man.. Step off the podium already and know when to stop!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

That will get you points with the "in" crowd

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

That will get you points with the "in" crowd

I couldn’t care less. That wasn't the objective of my post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

That will get you points with the "in" crowd

I couldn’t care less. That wasn't the objective of my post.

Ah no buddy your a single male. The only reason you could possibly have an opinion is to get the ride.

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

That will get you points with the "in" crowd

Who is the 'in crowd '?????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Those who believe they are in it know. I am not

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"Those who believe they are in it know. I am not"

I totally fail to see your point in relation to a reasoned response to the thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/07/21 23:47:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jesus wept.

The sense of privilege is sickening. Sort out your mess OP. Go to some individual therapy to help you find your way..Be honest with yourself and those you love? And care about.

Man up and talk to your wife and leave. Stop with the kids BS.

Your already messing around with a couples profile and all this will not end well.

If your found out, your kids will hate you -for everything!

Initially it can be hard, painful and tricky but in the end ,you’ll grow and learn from the experience and hopefully you’ll be a better person from it.

That will get you points with the "in" crowd

I couldn’t care less. That wasn't the objective of my post.

Ah no buddy your a single male. The only reason you could possibly have an opinion is to get the ride."

You know me so so well. Funny guy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Those who believe they are in it know. I am not

I totally fail to see your point in relation to a reasoned response to the thread "

Don't beat yourself up about it. We can't be good at everything.??

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"Those who believe they are in it know. I am not

I totally fail to see your point in relation to a reasoned response to the thread

Don't beat yourself up about it. We can't be good at everything.??"

Maybe u cant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't. And I know I can't. Some people can't but don't know they can't or can't accept they can't.

Now. Wasn't that alot of can'ts?

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By *phrodite72Woman
over a year ago

dublin/galway

"I can't. And I know I can't. Some people can't but don't know they can't or can't accept they can't.

Now. Wasn't that alot of can'ts?

I can

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can't. And I know I can't. Some people can't but don't know they can't or can't accept they can't.

Now. Wasn't that alot of can'ts?

I can "

BURN!! class.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can't. And I know I can't. Some people can't but don't know they can't or can't accept they can't.

Now. Wasn't that alot of can'ts?

I can "

Fair play then

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