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By *osmicGate OP   Man
over a year ago

louth

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.

His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.

His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went into a fetish shop and was about to try on a pair of shoes.

The member of staff asked me if I wanted a shoe horn.

I said "I've already got one thanks, that's why I'm here'

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By *osmicGate OP   Man
over a year ago

louth

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young boy walks into a brothel. He looks around and sees the reception area then heads towards the woman sitting behind the desk.

As this is going on the woman behind the desk looks up to see the young boy walking towards her. Dragging behind him a dead frog attached to a string.

The boy stops at the desk, which he can barely look over the top of.

"You're a bit young aren't you!?" the woman remarks.

The young boy sticks his hand in his pocket takes out €100 and slams it on the desk."I'd like a prostitute please!"

"Ok ok, fair enough." the woman says "Upstairs 3rd door on the left."

"Have you any girls with herpes?" the young chap requests.

The woman is taken aback "No no no, none of my girls have herpes!!“

Again the boy dives into his pocket and slams another €100 on the counter. THUD

" Oooooh, allllriiiight". Surrenders the woman. "4th door on the right!"

The young lad scurries of to the stairs and begins to climb nearly taking two steps for evey stair, as the woman watches the dead frog thumping up the stairs behind him. Then enters the room and shuts the door behind him.

10 mins later the boy comes out with a skip in his step. Dead frog trailing behind trundling along down the stairs.

The woman has become very puzzled by this whole scenario and decides to ask the question.

"Excuse me young man" she says loudly, just before the boy was about to exit.

The boy turns "Yes?"

"I have to ask, why are you dragging a dead frog along with you and why did you want a girl with herpes?"

"Well", replies the boy "I just fucked your girl and now I have herpes, right?"

"Right" the woman answers.

"So when I go home, I'm gonna fuck the babysitter and SHE'LL get herpes. Then, when my Dad comes home, to drop her home he'll fuck the babysitter and she'll give HIM herpes. So when Mum comes home later tonight, he'll fuck my Mum and he'll give HER herpes.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will come round and my Mum will fuck him and she'll give HIM herpes.......and HE'S the bastard that ran over my frog!!!

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By *osmicGate OP   Man
over a year ago

louth

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.

"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these."

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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By *DSGCouple
over a year ago

That place in

A married man was visiting his girlfriend, When she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said,“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

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